When projects like a movie adaptation of a CW show that was cancelled in 2007, a non-sequel to a Nintendo 64 game, and a drama film by the guy from Scrubs manage to get millions of dollars, it's easy to get the impression that Kickstarter users will fund literally anything as long as there's a vaguely famous name involved. Well, some celebrities tried to test that theory, and they found out that, nope, even the Internet has its limits. Hence this ridiculous bunch of failures:
6 An "Adult" Rom-Com By Sabrina The Teenage Witch
CBS Television Distribution
You may remember Melissa Joan Hart from Clarissa Explains It All or Sabrina The Teenage Witch, depending on whether you're a normal '90s kid or an uncultured swine. She's also had roles in a few movies, including Drive Me Crazy, which was ... well, it was a film.
20th Century Fox
Nope, not a fake poster from Entourage.
Apparently, Hart doesn't get many interesting movie offers because people still see her as Sabrina, so she launched a Kickstarter for a movie that will completely transform her image. Called Darci's Walk Of Shame, the film is described as a "funny, sexy, screwball, adult, romantic comedy" that will give her an opportunity to "make out with hot sexy guys."
No, Hart doesn't actually say that last phrase in the project page. Come on. Her mom does.
Why It Failed:
Yep, the project includes a remarkably awkward introduction video in which Hart's real mom explains to her what a "walk of shame" is, because that's the central conflict of this film: Darci has a one-night stand and needs to sneak past her family and friends before they notice, but "she faces an obstacle course of hurdles that would make a hardcore Marine fall to his knees and sob like a baby." So it's like a Mr. Bean episode, but even sexier.
The video also reveals that Hart plans to break away from Sabrina The Teenage Witch by ... hiring the same people who made Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Also, doing this:
The talking cat has really let himself go.
With such a winning plot, it's quite a shame that they only got $50,000 out of the $2 million they wanted before they cancelled the Kickstarter. It's especially surprising considering the extravagant rewards they offered, such as having Melissa Joan Hart follow you on Twitter for a full year -- if you give $300. Eh, we're pretty sure we could get the kids from The Adventures Of Pete & Pete to follow us around in real life for half that.
5 Uwe Boll Is Uwe Boll
Gaiam Vivendi Entertainment
German director Uwe Boll is the Uwe Boll of video game movies. His auspicious list of credits includes being the director of House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Far Cry, and BloodRayne, all of which were notable for being garbage. One of his better-performing films was an adaptation of the psycho-simulator game Postal, which has a whopping eight percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Incidentally, "eight" is also the mental age of the film's target audience.
Gaiam Vivendi Entertainment
It remains the most believable film about the 9/11 truther movement.
Boll is still getting work, making such films as Bigfoot Vs. Zombies and Zombie Massacre 2: Reich Of The Dead (we are not clever enough to make that title up), but it sounds like nobody is letting him near video game properties anymore. That's probably why in 2013 he had to go to Kickstarter to get funding for his latest masterpiece, Postal 2. A sequel to a critically-panned film from a director who has made some of the worst shit Hollywood has ever seen? What could go wrong?
Why It Failed:
You may think it's obvious why the campaign failed, but you have no idea. The Kickstarter description reads like Boll hit his head while writing it and treated the concussion with a generous dose of mescaline. There's really no way to improve this, so we'll just show you:
This will be in every psychology textbook one day.
The rewards were pretty fascinating as well. The more you donated, the more involvement you got in the movie, up to and including directing an actual scene that the backer wrote themselves, which is a pretty big responsibility -- could even an inexperienced amateur manage to suck as much as the Uwe Boll? For $5,000, Boll proposes that "you will sit and watch a film of your choosing with him at his home in Vancouver," which sounds more like a terrifying demand than a fun reward.
The Kickstarter was cancelled after only getting $29,977 out of the $500,000 needed, but Boll still had some faith in the crowdfunding model. Last month, he came back with another Kickstarter for Rampage 3, a story about a mass murderer played by the teen bully from Air Bud. Despite reducing his expectations and only asking for about $50,000 this time, the Kickstarter didn't even get close to that amount. Boll handled this with the grace and maturity we've come to expect from him: by telling Kickstarter, Hollywood and everyone else to get fucked.
The video ends with Boll claiming he's quitting movies to become the Uwe Boll of golfing all day. We have to say we feel pretty bad for the person who donated $10,000 to have a speaking role in Postal 2, though. Now that beautiful dream will never come true.