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We took whole articles, and then, using a USDA-inspected process, selected only the finest informational snouts and hooves and lovingly crafted the equivalent of fact hot dogs -- for you, the Internet. So that you may share them with your unenlightened friends on social media -- or put them in your macaroni and cheese. Whatever. We're not the boss of you.

They might even make you look smarter. We call them Crackedoids.

11 Celebrities Who Were Secretly Total Badasses

You might know about his late-in-life death metal career, but Christopher Lee was a real-life badass since before your parents were doing illegal things that would one day screw up your genes.

5 Acts of Nature That Rearranged the Face of the Planet

Krakatoa went to 11 ... million.

We suspect Christopher Lee has a Krakatoa-loud sonic scream, but he's just keeping it under raps for a special project.

7 Deadly Things You Won't Believe Most People Survive

Yeah, the whole preflight seatbelt talk is tedious, but if the top of the plane comes off, you'll be glad you weren't sneaking a last peak at your Kindle instead of paying attention.

Christopher Lee would have definitely survived, because Christopher Lee is a safety-badass who wears his seatbelt.

6 Military Units Whose Training Would Traumatize Rambo

No, the Storm Corps are not a local news weather outfit.

But Christopher Lee would have staff-bludgeoned their asses handily.

The 5 Most Insane Original Uses of Famous Products

Apparently some board-certified hoo-hoo doctors actually approved this.

But we don't think Christopher Lee would have cared for the scent.

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