According to the most popular British talk show host on American premium cable, net neutrality is one of the most important regulations for the future of telecommunications (and, by extension, all of humanity under the age of 50). Net neutrality is about making sure your ISP can't control what you view on the Internet and how fast you view it -- or, as the aforementioned talk show host put it, "Preventing Cable Company Fuckery." How could anyone possibly be against something as basic as that? The answer, as the following reactions to net neutrality prove, is "by being hilariously stupid."
6An Anti-Net-Neutrality Group Made A Pseudo-Porn Parody
Protect Internet Freedom is a group of concerned folks, not cable company lobbyists / possible reptilians, trying to raise awareness of the evils of net neutrality. How? For starters, by making an anti-net-neutrality porn parody ... parody. For real:
The video (which is safe for work, unless your workplace bans cringing) starts with a woman going to her door and being greeted by a buff cable guy. Just as the porno grooves indicate that boning is about to commence, the cable stud is brushed aside by a bunch of nerds in suits, representing the government. The "Department of the Internet" officers then go into the young horny lady's home and start rifling through her shit. They inexplicably make her replace her webcam, ask her about listening to music in the shower, and then make her sign a contract which is intended to look unnecessarily confusing, but actually looks pretty similar to what you really sign with an Internet provider.
Protect Internet Freedom
But minus the blowjob, which is bullshit.
The woman begs for the hunky cable guy to stay, but he dejectedly tells her that the government is in charge now. The pesky Department of the Internet returns in another video, in which a woman calls them to complain that her bill has gone up (something that has zero to do with net neutrality) and has to deal with an unhelpful government employee who would rather be throwing darts at the Bill of Rights. Literally.
Protect Internet Freedom
At least he's using patriotic darts.
Once again, the problem here is that no wacky fantasy these people can think up comes even close to the Kafkaesque nightmare of dealing with a cable company in the real world. Nothing in these videos is based on anything resembling a valid concern, but they manage to fail even on a metaphorical level. Is the hunky cable guy supposed to represent Comcast, Verizon, and the like? If so, we really have to wonder how no one involved with producing the video caught the far more literal interpretation of their message: "So if I support net neutrality, the government will stop cable companies from fucking me?"
5There Are Already Insane Net Neutrality Conspiracy Theories
What would any controversial debate be without some tinfoil loonies stopping by to throw their two crazies in? So what will it be this time? Is net neutrality a sordid anti-American censorship plan by Obama? Is it a way to take away your guns? Is ISIS involved, somehow? All of the above, actually.
We weren't familiar with that laptop brand.
Field Marshall Logic (aka Rush Limbaugh) announced on his radio show a labyrinthine conspiracy that probably took a lot of pushpins, yarn, and lead paint chips to come up with. Exhibit A: On February 25th, three men were arrested in New York City on suspicion of trying to join ISIS. One day later, the FCC announced new rules to try and preserve net neutrality. COINCIDENCE?!? Impossible.
The third triangle in this Triforce of Stupid was an ATF proposal to ban armor-piercing rifle ammunition (which was quickly shot down). So clearly, Obama was using the cover of the ISIS arrest to enact net neutrality laws so that he could ban the sale of one specific type of ammunition. How any of these things are related is only known to the hamster on the wheel in Limbaugh's head.
We're starting to suspect he makes this stuff up just to Photoshop himself in action poses.
Another conspiracy comes from the fact that the FCC hasn't released the official regulations that are being proposed, and critics were declaring this evidence of a cover-up less than 24 hours after the initial announcement. The turd in this conspiracy's punch bowl is that it's standard procedure for regulations like this to be unavailable to the public until lawmakers have had a chance to read it over and make their objections. The only difference is that, until now, nobody gave a shit about all the other boring-as-hell telecom regulations they couldn't read. But rest easy, gentle reader, for when they are released to the public, you will have several weeks to read and not understand the official regulations before they're added to the Federal Register.