Every movie villain seems like they have it pretty together -- a brilliant plan, a cunning mind, a proven desire to solve problems by killing them dead. Why, if it weren't for the indomitable will of our hero, they certainly would've gotten away with replacing all the world's garden hoses with snakes. But sometimes, you'll find moments in your favorite films that make you reconsider that assumption. What you thought was the sinister mastermind failing in a fight against the forces of goodness suddenly looks a lot more like a head injury patient that wandered away from the ward getting beaten up by some jerk with great cheekbones.
5 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - The Queen Chooses the Worst Poison Ever
The Queen wants to be the fairest in all the land, and is willing to crush anyone who stands in the way of her hotness. When she learns Snow White is lookin' pretty fly these days, the Queen immediately attempts to murder the girl, showing the brutal lengths she's willing to go to. In other words, if she was alive today, the Queen would almost certainly have her own show on Bravo.
After the Queen's first plan -- asking a random dude to murder an innocent girl -- somehow fails, she decides to take the matter into her own hands. She creates a poison apple that will put Snow White into a comatose state until she's awakened by "Love's First Kiss." The Queen reasons that the dwarves, thinking Snow White is dead, will bury her alive, thereby ensuring that no one will ever kiss her. Personally, we wouldn't rule out committed necrophiliacs, but we guess that's why we don't write for Disney.
"Sleepsual assault is as far as we go."
So why did the Queen choose literally the worst way to take out Snow White, short of feeding her regular apples until she got too fat to compete in the high-stakes beauty pageants that apparently rule this realm? We get that the Queen is using magical poison in the film, and that maybe these side effects and qualifiers are listed on the fine print of that particular concoction. Hey, you know what's a lot like magical poison, but without all those loopholes? Regular goddamn poison.
Or a crossbow. Seriously, just a bolt to the wordhole, while singing "I'm the Queen, that makes this legal!" Boom, done.
Also, if Snow White's "eternal sleep" kept her beautiful, then how would that even solve the Queen's problem? The Queen isn't angry because Snow White is taking all her boyfriends, she's angry that Snow White exists. It would be like if you murdered someone you couldn't stand the sight of, then embalmed them and propped them up so they'd always be visible in your bathroom mirror.
4 RoboCop (2014) - Two Random, Powerless Goons Are Sent to Kill RoboCop
The 2014 RoboCop remake more or less follows the story arc of the original film. If you are not familiar with the story arc of the original RoboCop, kindly step the hell away from our website, for you are Unclean. All you need to know is that evil businessman Dick Jones is replaced with evil businessman Raymond Sellars, evil corporate mercenary Clarence Boddicker is replaced with evil corporate mercenary Mattox, and awesome robocop RoboCop is replaced with a shittier robocop.
Yeah, that's pretty much our reaction too.
After RoboCop disobeys orders and busts his own police chief for corruption, Mattox remotely shuts him down and moves him back to the OmniCorp lab. Sellars decides that he can make more money by pretending RoboCop went down in the line of duty, so he orders Mattox to kill him. Mattox tells two low-ranking guards to do the deed, because apparently the working environment at OmniCorp isn't big on personal responsibility. We see exactly how low-level these chumps are when they show up at the lab and find out they don't have security clearance to walk through the door.
"My God, the door is locked? We never trained for this!"
The scientists in the lab reactivate RoboCop, who immediately incapacitates the two hapless guards and proceeds to carve a swath of destruction through OmniCorp HQ that ends with him putting a bullet in Sellars. An evil businessman has once again been foiled by his only weakness: violence.
We don't blame Mattox for making someone else do his job -- we have interns feed us grapes while we dictate articles to them, so we're in no position to judge. But he needed to send someone who had access to RoboCop. The damn janitors probably had a better security clearance than those schmucks did. It's even more baffling when you remember that the movie's very first scene showed us that OmniCorp has the ability to designate anyone as a "Red Asset" that RoboCop's programming won't allow him to shoot. That means the guys who were sent to kill RoboCop were inexplicably not designated as being invincible against RoboCop, the only person who could stop them. And who has control over who gets to be a Red Asset? None other than Mattox, as he demonstrates when he finally confronts RoboCop himself.
"Oh, yeah. I probably should have emailed HR about those two ... Eh, whatever."
RoboCop's buddy stops Mattox, and RoboCop later manages to override his programming and kill Sellars because something something the power of love. But none of that would have happened if they hadn't sent the two least-qualified goons in history to stop a robotic killing machine. Maybe they had terrible performance reviews, and OmniCorp simply has a very aggressive termination policy.