#2. ALF Sexually Assaults a Seal
You can't spell "seal fucker" without "ALF"!
Let's all just stop for a moment and drink in that image. Note the expression on the seal's face. Note the sweat flying off of ALF's face. Note his inexplicable command of "So hurry up already!"
While many people remember ALF as the star of the '80s sitcom about an alien from the planet Melmac who secretly lives with a human family, ALF also got a child-friendly comic book, which lasted for several years. Judging by the covers, things got, well, a bit weird:
Thank you, artist, for drawing ALF's crotch bulge.
Readers who bought the seal issue in anticipation of seeing 20 pages of ALF sticking his furry dick into a number of screeching zoo animals were disappointed (and quite frankly deserved to be). The whole thing is, in reality, a long and tortured joke referencing the mock warning on the cover: "Caution: Do not buy if safety seal is missing!" In the 1950s, concern that comic books were corrupting America's youth led to the creation of a "Seal of Approval" by the Comics Code Authority. This seal was basically a stamp printed on the cover to let parents know their children will not grow up to be criminals if they read the comic.
Only kids who skipped their comics became criminals.
The idea behind this cover was that ALF is holding a metaphorical Seal of Approval in place, while telling you, the reader, to "hurry up already" and buy the comic. But at some point the artist said, "Well, wouldn't it be even better if ALF was raping the seal?" He then realized he was talking to an empty office, because everyone else had knocked off for the day.
Of course, they clearly knew how it would look, given the inclusion of the mock disclaimer: "No animals were injured during the making of this cover." Although the seal plainly looks traumatized.
Warner Bros. Television
We're suddenly getting the true meaning about ALF's compulsion to eat pussy cats.
#1. Old-Timey Comic Children Were Constantly About to Be Murdered by Strangers
Oh no! He's about to punch pupils into her eyes!
If there's one thing old-timey comic books knew, it was that you could sell a shitload of copies with a cover promising an elementary school child was about to get stabbed to shit. This Little Orphan Annie cover, featuring both Annie and her dog about to get ventilated by a shadowy figure with a dagger, was typical of the genre.
Here's an even more horrifying take, featuring Richie Rich:
Just a suggestion, try using some of that money to buy a fucking flashlight.
In a cover that's equal parts Home Alone and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Richie is completely unaware of the shadow creeping down the hallway toward him. It's tough to make out, but if you look closely, you can see that whomever (or whatever) is casting that shadow has a goddamned hook for a hand:
Also shown: Richie's loyal sidekick, Giant Bag of Cash.
Probably the most alarming example of the "come see this child be the victim of a gruesome crime" genre is this edition of Little Archie, in which a home invader is about to kill little Archie in bed. If he's lucky.
If he's unlucky, the masked figure might just be ALF.
If you've ever wondered what Archie Andrews, the perpetual teenager who never smokes, curses, or engages in any typical rebellious teenager behavior was like back in elementary school, then Little Archie is the comic book for you. And what you find is that beneath Archie's good-natured personality is a dark pit of childhood trauma. In the comic itself, the burglar enters through a window in a living room, which we suppose is a little less disturbing than the molestation implied by the cover. In the comic, the intruder does have a loaded gun ... and Little Archie winds up using it.
That's right. It starts when Archie's father tries to tackle the burglar, but dives into some furniture instead. At that point, Little Archie goes all Dirty Harry, and he uses a slingshot to knock the gun out of the burglar's hand.
Skills that would surely prove useful later in life.
Little Archie then picks up the burglar's own gun and tries to murder his freaking ass. He misses, but nearly kills his own father in the process. Holy shit!
"Whatever, I'm still ahead of those Wayne and Parker boys."
If you can't read that last panel there, little toddler Archie's reaction to nearly being killed, attempting murder, and nearly blowing out his own father's brains is to blithely comment on one of his missing roller skates in the yard. Call us crazy, but we're thinking this would not have been the first life ended at the hands of Little Archie.
Follow Adam Hirschfeld at Cracked here.
Related Reading: Ready for some more insane comics? We've got Robin with a machine-gun right here. If you'd prefer your children's comics with a dash of old-timey homophobia, well...you're messed up. But we can help. And we've got all these hilariously awful examples of product placement to boot.