#3. Beauty and the Beast -- The Beast Has Casually Killed Several of His Servants
After agreeing to be held hostage by a hideous enchanted rage monster in exchange for the release of her senile old father who is probably going to die of exposure on his way back to the village anyway, Belle gradually begins to fall in love with the Beast despite his explosive bouts of furniture-rending fury. She is able to look past the horror of both his temperament and his physical appearance, and she begins to enjoy her time in the castle alongside the Beast's retinue of hilarious talking objects. In the end, her love transforms both the Beast and his winsome crew of sassy furniture back into the human beings they once were, and everyone lives happily ever after.
The Dark Implication:
In the throes of his raging tantrums, the Beast has murdered dozens of his servants.
Remember how part of the curse on the Beast was to transform all of his servants into sentient objects, like Cogsworth the clock and Lumiere the rapist candlestick? Now take a look at the scene when Belle wanders into the forbidden west wing of the castle and discovers the Beast's bedroom torn asunder by a vengeful fart of pure chaos:
This is how he masturbates.
See all those smashed tables, chairs, and mirrors?
"Run before he does this to your real face!"
The stone walls of the Beast's castle echoed with the screams of at least half of those splintered objects as they were destroyed. We already know that every single dish and piece of cutlery in the kitchen can sing and dance, so the odds that every piece of the Beast's bedroom set had a first name and spoke with a cartoonish French accent are astronomically high. One of Belle's good friends in the castle is a no-nonsense advice-dispensing wardrobe, and the Beast literally crushes two wardrobes into jagged shards right in front of her face.
"LOVE ME OR I'LL KILL AGAIN!"
Those were probably two handmaidens or something. When the curse lifts at the end of the movie, the Beast's bedroom is going to look like a mass grave.
#2. Oblivion -- Several Tom Cruise Clones Are Wandering Aimlessly Around the Earth
Oblivion, better known as that Tom Cruise movie you didn't see, stars the aforementioned Tom Cruise as Tech 49 Jack Harper, a man left behind on the blasted postwar landscape of Earth to maintain the drones responsible for mining resources to help the human race continue their fight against the Scavs, the alien civilization responsible for unleashing nuclear death on our home world.
But in a shocking twist ending, Tom Cruise is (SPOILER!) actually a clone created by the aliens to destroy Earth from the inside out. So he teams up with Morgan Freeman, and the two of them fly a warhead up to the alien mothership and detonate it in a blaze of world-liberating glory.
"Fuck you, Xen- uh, Sally."
Back down on Earth, we see Tech 52, another Jack Harper clone who is slowly regaining his pre-clone memory, meet Harper's estranged wife, Julia, and the movie fades out, implying that the two of them will live happily ever after.
The Dark Implication:
There are at least 50 other Jack Harper clones wandering around the planet who may suddenly start to remember Julia and come for her at any time. The main character was Tech 49 Jack Harper, who worked in Tower 49. His nemesis/eventual wife-stealer is Tech 52 Jack Harper, who worked in Tower 52.
4'9" and 5'2" are also their respective heights.
What do you imagine those numbers mean?
This isn't CG. They just used an MRI of what's inside Tom Cruise's scrotum.
Yep, an entire army of Jack Harper clones, of which Tech 49 and Tech 52 were the 49th and 52nd members, respectively. We know that Tech 49 was responsible for a very specific area of Earth, so it's safe to assume that every other sector of Earth is being monitored by a different Jack Harper clone. There could be a Tom Cruise doppelganger in every single state of the union for all we know.
Now that the alien mothership has been destroyed, those clones are no longer receiving any kind of orders. They'll gradually begin to wander around the planet, still operating under the belief that they are working for the humans and that anyone left on the planet's surface is in fact an alien in disguise. And that's the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that they all suddenly remember Jack Harper's wife and go marauding across the American wasteland to try to claim her.
"None of them have pants ..."
That's 50 different guys, all sharing the exact same memories of the exact same woman, believing with all of their heart that they are her true husband. That's going to be like a kickboxing tournament in a house of mirrors where everyone's feet are made of laser guns.
#1. Star Wars -- The Ewoks Ate the Stormtroopers
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi introduced the Ewoks, a race of walking teddy bears whose primary galactic mission was to sell as many action figures as George Lucas could force his foreign labor department to produce. Despite being less than 3 feet tall and possessing the frightened, awestruck intelligence of time-traveling children, the Ewoks managed to destroy the technologically superior Galactic Empire with rudimentary log traps and can-do scrappiness.
A similar accident happened to George Lucas' head prior to filming the prequels.
Thanks to their adorable heroism, the Rebels warm up to the Ewoks and join them in their postwar celebratory banquet, completely forgetting that, at one point, the Ewoks tried to eat Han Solo. It's literally the first thing that happens when they meet him.
The original scene had them stripping him and seasoning him overnight in a special blend of 11 herbs and spices.
The Dark Implication:
The Ewoks totally ate all of the defeated Stormtroopers.
Remember the victory banquet, where the Ewoks sing that annoying song and play the bongos on hollow Imperial helmets?
"Wait, where did you get those ribs you gave us?"
Where did the bodies attached to those helmets go? Look around that campfire -- do you see any prisoners? No, you do not, because we have seen exactly what the Ewoks do with their prisoners -- they ceremonially roast and consume them. They were prepared to eat Luke, Han, and Chewie in celebration of discovering a golden butler robot in the middle of the forest. For all we know, the Ewoks were already planning on eating them before they confused C-3PO for a god, which raises all sorts of unanswerable questions about their belief structure. An event as big as the downfall of the Galactic Empire probably requires the Ewoks to gather up and glaze every dead body on the battlefield for an intergalactic pig pickin'.
Tell us Kenner couldn't have made a kick-ass playset around that.Miles DuBonnet is the pseudonym of Jeremy Kaplowitz, whose twitter account recently won the 2014 Jeremy Kaplowitz Award for Funniest Twitter Account Ever!
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