#3. Magdalena Solis Cut People's Hearts Out for the Sake of an Elaborate Scam
Image Source Black/Image Source/Getty Images
Magdalena Solis was part of an elaborate scam involving two grifters, the Hernandez brothers, who were bilking the small farming village of Yerba Buena, Mexico. That sounds pretty tame compared to the other stuff on this list, but let's just say that at some point things got a bit ... out of hand.
In 1962, the brothers had shown up and claimed they were Incan priests who had a wealth of Incan gold the gods wished to share with the village, but the only way to appease the gods was to bring regular offerings of money and cleanse their bodies of demons. And the only way to cleanse their bodies of demons was to have sex with the Hernandez brothers. Like, all the time.
Only someone with no experience cleaning semen stains would choose the word "cleanse."
The villagers weren't terribly bright (for instance, the Incas were in Peru, not Mexico), but after a while they did grow tired of having sex with the Hernandez brothers with absolutely no sign of their promised bounty of gold. So the brothers recruited a prostitute named Magdalena to pose as a reincarnated Incan goddess inexplicably fluent in 20th century Spanish. They revealed Magdalena to the villagers in a puff of smoke during one of their cave rituals, and Magdalena immediately fell perfectly into character by demanding that everyone have sex with everyone else and drink from goblets of chicken blood garnished with marijuana leaves.
When the villagers inevitably got bored with Magdalena, still wondering where in the blue hell their gold was, she responded by ordering two of her "doubters" stoned to death in the ritual cave. And at this point, it went from a cheap "sex and money for promises of gold" scam to something else entirely.
India TV News
Hell hath no fury like a trio of sociopaths being denied stolen goods and sex.
The victims' blood was gathered in the ceremonial ganja goblets and consumed. And thus Solis and the Hernandez brothers had discovered a bulletproof way of perpetuating their scam -- kill a villager or two every so often as a blood sacrifice and the others will be too terrified to voice any doubts.
Who knows how long the scam might have continued had a random teenage boy not walked by the cave on his way to school and spotted Solis and her absurdly desperate followers bashing one woman's face in with rocks and chopping another man's heart out with machetes. The boy ran like hell to the nearest police station, and a patrolman followed him back to the village to check it out, because he apparently hadn't seen enough horror movies to know what happens to cops when they go investigate strange murder caves by themselves.
"Everything looks to be in order here."
When the officer didn't return, the police decided to posse up and rolled into the village to discover his body hacked to pieces and his heart removed. The boy had also been killed in the same horrifying Temple of Doom fashion. They cornered Magdalena's cult in the ritual cave and arrested most of them, although the Hernandez brothers were killed in the ensuing shootout. Solis and her surviving followers were tossed in state prison for 30 years. The Incas remained in Peru, where they had been the entire time.
#2. The Giggling Granny Poisoned Her Entire Family
The Sunday Times/Baris Simsek/iStock/Getty Images
Nannie Doss had a thing for arsenic, and with it she poisoned the tittyshits out of virtually every member of her family before delivering an affable, chuckling confession to police, earning her the nickname "The Giggling Granny." By the time she was finally caught, she'd killed her mother, two sisters, two daughters, a nephew, a grandson, and four husbands, for motives best described as "no goddamned reason whatsoever."
AP via The Body Report
To relieve stress, some people prefer yoga. Different strokes.
And what is really chilling about this story is how long her murder spree continued before anybody caught on, although her first husband, Charley, did grow suspicious after their two middle daughters mysteriously died of "food poisoning," because it literally used to be that easy to murder people. Charley ran off, taking their eldest daughter with him but leaving the youngest behind with Doss, because apparently he didn't like that child.
The Sunday Times
Joan Crawford ain't shit.
Nannie Doss stayed married to her second husband, Frank, for 16 years, during which time she probably killed her newborn grandson by stabbing him through the skull with a hatpin and definitely killed her older grandson with a generous dose of poison. Frank, for his part, was an abusive drunk, and Doss eventually got sick of him and dumped rat poison into his whiskey, which is a recognized but generally frowned upon cure for assholes.
Doss got married three more times, and each husband wound up dying mysteriously. She even killed her third husband's mother, just after poisoning him and burning their house to the ground to keep it from going to his family. In between her fourth and fifth marriages, she moved in with her cancer-stricken sister and poisoned her, too, because why the hell not? "Might as well kill my own mother while I'm at it," she presumably thought, before doing exactly that. At this point, the authorities must have assumed that Nannie Doss was shrouded in some ancient mummy curse, because the only other explanation is that they were all terrible at their jobs.
The Springfield Union via RareNewspapers.com
To be fair, budget cutbacks severely limited the number of Magic 8 Balls made available to police officers.
Doss finally got caught when she poisoned her fifth husband badly enough to send him to the hospital for three weeks, but not enough to kill him. The day he was sent home, Doss filled him with enough arsenic to kill 20 freaking people. Finally, one of the doctors became suspicious of Doss and ordered an autopsy, which confirmed that her husband had been poisoned.
Police confronted Doss, and she immediately confessed, laughing throughout the entire interview while gleefully admitting to murdering 11 members of her family. Doss kept right on smiling as she boarded the bus to prison to serve out her life sentence, commenting to a reporter as she left that she didn't feel bad at all about the outcome. Life magazine even asked her permission to publish her life story, because they apparently forgot that she had murdered children in addition to her drunken asslord husbands.
Seen here during one of the rare moments when she wasn't murdering someone.
#1. Adolfo de Jesus Constanzo Murdered People for Black Magic
Adolfo de Jesus Constanzo was a former apprentice to a Haitian priest who blossomed into a master-level Crazy Mage armed with the legitimate belief that he had the power to see the future and cast powerful spells, provided he kept his black magic cauldron well-stocked with sacrificial human body parts. He had a cult of devoted followers to fulfill this task for him by kidnapping (mostly) random people and torturing them to death to appease Kadiempembe, a devil-like figure and the bestower of his magical gifts. We assume this same demon was responsible for granting him the handsomest Emilio Estevez mullet in recorded history.
And just a hint of Sean Astin.
Yeah, that's not how you were picturing him, was it?
Constanzo was a warlock for hire, selling his spells and clairvoyance abilities to drug dealers and law enforcement officials alike in Mexico. He stewed human brains, blood, bones, and guts in his cauldron alongside scorpions, spiders, and other witchcrafty totems to create spells to make his clients invisible to police detection and invulnerable to gunfire.
You take some arachnids, throw them in a pot, add some water and a brain -- baby, you got a potion goin'!
Even the drug dealers were afraid of Constanzo -- when one cartel refused to make him a full partner after they'd enjoyed so much success with his spells, seven of their members mysteriously disappeared, turning up several days later floating in a river with fingers, ears, hearts, brains, and freaking spines removed, like they'd been attacked by the goddamned Predator. Constanzo had a handful of other rival drug traffickers fed to his cauldron and even had a member of his own cult hacked into dark wizard porridge to set an example for the rest of the team (the example being "We should probably find other jobs").
The heat didn't really come down on Constanzo until his group kidnapped and mutilated an American college student, at which point the U.S. government put intense pressure on Mexican officials to solve the crime. Police followed a member of Constanzo's cult to his terrifying ritualistic murder ranch after the man blew through a checkpoint, and they found remains of 15 people buried along the property. The missing student's brain was discovered floating in a potion in Constanzo's cauldron, presumably waiting to be graded by Professor Snape.
F. Presentation counts, Adolfo.
Constanzo's gang was hunted down and arrested, and Constanzo himself was finally cornered in an apartment surrounded by 180 police officers, because magic probably isn't real, but we aren't taking any fucking chances. Rather than allow himself to be captured, Constanzo instructed one of his henchmen to shoot him. The police discovered the evil wizard's body riddled with bullets, because apparently that henchman wasn't taking any chances either.
Do you have a cell phone with a camera? Then you're halfway to winning our pocket film contest. Bust out that phone and show us the funny in 30-seconds or less for your chance to win. Check out the contest details and submit here.
Related Reading: Some of the world's worst serial killers are still free today, including a real-life Hannibal Lector from Kazakhstan. For a look at some deranged murderers who just haven't been found yet, check out Soren Bowie's list of Etsy serial killers. Of course, the worst serial killers are animals- and that article will have you fearing them properly.
Speaking of killers...