#2. Egyptian "Rapunzel" Features Adult Ogre Breast-Feeding (and More)
The Version You've Heard
Rapunzel is a young girl who gets locked in a tower by an evil witch, and the only way anyone can get in or out is by Rapunzel letting down her insanely long hair for them to use as a rope, because ladders evidently do not exist in this land. A handsome prince comes along and climbs up her hair, and eventually the two of them overcome the evil witch and get married.
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We're pretty sure this story was written to boost conditioner sales.
But in the Egyptian Version
Yousif, a young prince, hears a story about Louliyya, a beautiful woman hidden away somewhere in the desert whom no one has ever set out to find without dying in the process. He decides that the absolute nothing he knows about this girl is worth the considerable effort and risk and plunges into the punishing sands to find her. So, pretty similar to the version you know up to this point. Nothing to see here. Move along.
But then Yousif happens upon a giant female ogre, with "her breasts swung over her shoulders." Realizing there is not a moment to lose, Yousif springs into action and sucks on each of her pendulous boobs. The ogre is thrilled with this and pronounces Yousif her "Milk-son." And that really is all the explanation we get -- the story just treats this as a legitimate strategy for getting past an ogre.
"You don't even want to know what you have to do to stop a male ogre."
Yousif finally comes to a large palace, where he discovers Louliyya letting down her hair for her father (also inexplicably an ogre) to climb up. Yousif sneaks in and convinces Louliyya to escape with him, presumably leaving the episode with the ogre boobs out of his explanation. A magic tambourine tips off her father (as they do), and he hauls ass after them.
Louliyya creates a field of thorns, some bamboo forests, and a giant lake to impede her father's pursuit, because she is apparently magic as hell and just never bothered to do anything cool with it before. The ogre tries to drink the lake out of his way, but it fills him too much and he explodes in the process. As he detonates, he curses Louliyya and Yousif into a dog and a bird, respectively, but they eventually turn back into humans and get married.
We apologize if the stupidity of that sentence gives you an aneurysm.
True love can overcome the wrath of overbearing parents, as long as you murder them. And you may have to do some sexual favors for strangers along the way.
#1. The Scottish "Snow White" Involves Attempted Cannibalism and Ends in a Three-Way
The Version You've Heard
An evil queen desires to be the most beautiful woman in the land, but is thrown into a murderous frenzy when she learns that her stepdaughter, Snow White, is way more attractive. So she poisons Snow White with an apple, but Snow White is revived by the kiss of a handsome prince. Then the queen gets herself ghosted, and everyone lives happily ever after. Also, there are dwarfs.
But in the Scottish Version
A shamelessly vain queen named Silver-Tree learns from a trout in a well that her stepdaughter, Gold-Tree, ranks several notches higher on the beauty scale. Putting way more stock in a fish's opinion than any grown person should, the evil queen pretends to be deathly ill and tells her husband, the king, that the only thing that can cure her is eating the heart and liver of their daughter.
"Trust me on this; it's science."
The king, understandably living in perpetual fear of his wife's irrationally blazing craziness, instead sends the daughter off to be married to a prince (because it's just that easy) and feeds evil Queen Silver-Tree the vital organs of a goat.
But the evil queen calls on the fish again and finds out that the girl is alive, because fish can't keep their goddamn mouths shut. So she leaves to finish the job, tracking down the stepdaughter and jabbing her with a poisoned needle. When he finds her lifeless body, the grief-stricken prince seals her up in her room (instead of, you know, calling a doctor), never to be opened again. But the prince soon remarries, and his second wife goes into Gold-Tree's room and discovers her dusty old corpse. She plucks the poison needle out of the body, and Gold-Tree immediately springs back to life (something that, in retrospect, the prince probably should have tried).
And here's our favorite part: The prince, now with two fully functioning wives, boldly exclaims, "I shall have both of you!" -- and the two women are totally OK with it. Yes, kids, this story's "happily ever after" involves a threesome.
He got his happy ending.
Don't be selfish, ladies. There's plenty o' prince to go around.
For more things way, way different in foreign places, check out 9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals and The 6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World.