The 6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World
A superhero symbolizes his society's loftiest ideals. For example, Captain America embodies America's freedoms, just as Batman reflects our national pastime of dressing as winged rodents and climbing on bat-shaped grappling hooks.
So what do the following heroes say about their native lands? We have zero clue, but if you put them together on a super-team, you'd have one fine Justice League of Crazy.
#6.
Cutey Honey
Cutey Honey debuted in 1973 and is notable for being the first Japanese manga heroine. However, no one would mistake Honey for a feminist icon, as her ridiculous superpowers are right out of an anime nerd's wettest of dreams.
But first we have her origin story, which reads like the plot of Terminator Salvation mixed with Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. Honey Kisaragi thought she was an ordinary teenager until she discovered that she was a super-powered android version of her dead human self. She then realized that upon shouting "Honey Flash!" her clothes would self-destruct and she would turn into a busty redheaded crime fighter.
"Honey Flash," literally.
The most ridiculous part of all this is that Cutey Honey's garments have exploded in every damn adventure for the past 30+ years. Heck, even Bruce Banner finally learned to buy purple chinos in bulk, but, as this clip from her 2007 TV show demonstrates, Cutey Honey is still streaking for justice.
There's so much wrong here we don't know where to start. First note that the camera lingers on her sparkling, barely legal nudity way too long.
The slow-motion sequence finally stops after this crook is blinded by either her roundhouse kick or the sight of her horrifying robo-vagina. We're not sure which.
"Look at my uncanny valley!"
#5.
Flash Bomba
Flash Bomba is the creation of famed Filipino graphic novelist Mars Ravelo. Because an accident crippled his legs, Flash trained the rest of his body to become super strong. After overcoming his handicap in a Lifetime-afternoon-movie-worthy fashion, Flash did what any plucky paraplegic would do: beat up a Tikbalang--a mythic beast with a man's body and horse's head--and steal its magic powers.
What amazing abilities did this reverse centaur give Flash? Crap ones. The Tikbalang was so irked that our hero got Murderball on his ass, he bestowed Flash with freakishly swollen hands and feet. Not just a little swollen; "Dom DeLuise drunk in an apiary" swollen.
In addition to being able to palm a dozen basketballs, Flash Bomba's hands have other "handy" super-human applications. He can summon demon horses (of course!) and clap loud enough to stop tornadoes, as seen in his 2009 TV series.
Notice that the crowd is appreciative but only lukewarmly so. It's like they're thinking, "America gets Superman. Japan gets that girl whose clothes blow up. We get Hamburglar at the Manila Gay Pride Parade."
And he has gout!
#4.
Splatter
Splatter is an ally of Captain Canuck, a Canadian version of Captain America who is frequently mistaken for Guardian, Marvel Comics' own Canadian Captain America. So yeah, as the sidekick of a Z-list rip-off, Splatter is just about the saddest hero alive.
His powers are even more depressing. Splatter carries a special paintball gun and travels around the urban jungle via trapeze ropes. When he sees criminal activity, he marks the offender with a paintball splat so Captain Canuck knows whom to punch. Imagine if Robin did nothing except scream "LOOK! CRIME!" and you'll get a sense of Splatter's worthlessness.
Form of... California Raisin!
Splatter's alter ego is Manuel Ferrara, which is incidentally also the name of an award-winning French porn director. It's more plausible that Splatter is Manuel Ferrara's secret identity rather than vice versa.
robo vagina really why woul they have robot vaginas seriosly "robot vaginas" eh at least there impenetreble to rape via you try she cuts youre penis to complete uselessness worse than nam prostitutes they put razor blades in there vaginas google it its real
ReplyPunctuation!
Why, Cracked? Why have two pornographic entries on the first page, and have a transvestite boner-killer on the second? That's just cruel.
ReplyI could not stop laughing at this!! Great article! I
ReplyThe artist of the image under the title of #6 is Toten. He's a really good artist.
ReplyBolt Crank is god who eats and poop up universe . Really, just read the last chapters of the manga.
Reply"Look at my uncanny valley!" OhahaHAHAHAHAHHHGHHH! *chokes on his own tongue*
ReplyAnd that was the third time I died.
Now we need sales figures for ZsaZsa before and after this review appeared.
Replythumbs up if you also watched the cutey honey vid more than once
ReplyWhere is Chapulin Colorado?
ReplyI'll admit, I actually read the Zsa Zsa one.
ReplyMy reaction throughout the entire thing was: WTF?!?!?!
Remember kids, never eat a pink meteor, unless you want an instant sex change operation.
ReplyHe didn't seem too sad about that, actually.
DC's Legion of Superheroes had a Matter-Eater Lad, but I don't think he ever transformed the matter into weapons. That would be ridiculous.
ReplyManuel Ferrara is not only a porn director, but a porn star. LOVE his movies. (One of the few good-looking men in the porn industry)
ReplyI had to google it, but that man is very pretty.
hey people its ok for the writer of the article to watch porn but not the commenters of the article. no no
In zsa zsa, why do they sometimes seemingly randomly speak in American accent English? DId she fight that frog? Or did it just go away? Why a giant frog? What the Hell is going on in the Phillipines?
ReplyEnglish is also a widely spoken language in the Philippines. In fact it's one of its two official languages or something. It's in american accent since it was brought there when Americans occupied the country.
It's really interesting to watch a movie from a country in which several languages are used that you might have knowledge of. I have a Bollywood movie, "ROBOT", that I watch with subtitles. When the Japanese and English mixed right in with the pagan gibberish, it made the movie even funnier.
slutty & sluttier 1 was definitely better than part 2
Reply"First note that the camera lingers on her sparkling, barely legal nudity way too long."
ReplyHow do you mean? I don't understand.
By the way the Filipinos commented here, you'd think they've just won an Olympics or something.
ReplyIts the Filipino trait, I guess. You should see the reaction of a bunch of Filipino gays when our Ms. Universe candidate last year won 3rd runner up (I think). You'd think she won.
what are u talking about captainfruity. aside from jerico, i dun see any other filipinos around.
Eat Man isn't that bad really. But the Filipinos are behind on that aspect. :p I looked up that Zaturnah was created around 2002. The fifth season of Sailor Moon in Japan was in 1997, wherein three always female characters were taken from the manga, and made into three male characters who transformed into women. In outfits more provocative than the original sailor senshi (scouts in the dub).
ReplyIt's been years since I last watched Cutey Honey but... aside from the standard transformation that includes a long nude scene... She has a "limit time" for her powers, and she knows when her power is running low because her clothes start disappearing. And yes, her fights are always long. In a nutshell, she gets almost naked twice per chapter, instead of just once like in Sailor Moon.
ReplyI own the Super Shamoo comic book. His job in the comic is stopping kids from sniffing gas (seriously!).
Reply