#5. Weary Santa
Finally, a Christmas decoration that has aged in exact tandem with your own slow disenchantment with the holiday. What was probably a perfectly normal-looking Santa doll three decades ago has entropied into an eerily accurate depiction of St. Nicholas finding out that no one believes in him anymore and that Christmas has become more of a hassle than a celebration.
The pure disappointment on his face is palpable, and to make matters worse, this decoration doubles as a piggy bank.
Luckily, he can still get work as a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot.
That means Santa Claus has no choice but to haul money in his sack, the same sack that once held the desires and hopes of children and now only holds the physical manifestation of greed. For everyone who complains that the spirit of Christmas has been lost, we can't imagine a more perfect mascot to represent your sadness, and it can be yours for only $18.
#4. Crawford the Snowman
George G. via Angelicdreamz.com
At first glance, this is almost cute. A snowman with string-bean limbs, a giant head, and a nervous smile is sort of adorable. But counteracting all of that is the atrocity sticking out of the middle of his face. The length, the list to the right, and the general floppiness of that carrot are all unsettling. We can't quite put our finger on it, but this looks familiar, and if you're shouting "It's a dick!" at your computer screen, then you need to find somebody who will drive you to a hospital, right now.
No, it looks like something much more upsetting and vile ...
Oh, that's right, it looks like a sea worm crawling into the face of an animal carcass to feed. Those dead, placid eyes on the snowman only further our suspicion that we're actually looking at a worm frantically burrowing into the brain of a cartoon character. So good luck seeing anything else now, and merry Christmas!
George G. via Angelicdreamz.com
When Tim Burton's animated models do not turn out as expected, his wrath is terrifying to behold.
#3. Uncanny Valley Santa
The creator of this festive holiday decoration has the courage to ask, "What would a wincing sex doll version of Santa Claus look like?" Unfortunately, the answer was far sadder than anyone could have imagined. That's clearly the face of a decoration that doesn't want to exist, cursing its immobility and praying that someone would accidentally brush too hard against the rocking chair on which it sits, catapulting it into the fireplace and ending the misery.
Of all the decorations on this list, this one is the most honest approach to what Santa would actually look like. Not because the flesh tones and the hair are more real-looking, but because those are definitely the eyes of an immortal man, a man who has seen all the travesties in human history and watched everyone he loves grow old and die. The dead stare of pained disbelief is exactly what children would see if they actually caught Santa coming down the chimney.
#2. Monkey Man
We might be hazy on Christmas facts, but we're pretty sure that if we counted all the animals in the Nativity, we wouldn't stumble across a trumpet-playing baboon we never noticed before. Particularly one wearing an ascot and lace doilies around its ankles. But hands down, the weirdest part of this ornament is that whoever created it clearly couldn't decide if they wanted to make a monkey or a human and finally just settled on both. Not since The Island of Doctor Moreau has there been an animal/human hybrid we've wanted to see less than this little creature.
No amount of charming velvet and tiny buttons is going to offset the fact that it's draped over an eerily euphoric were-baboon. If you ever receive this as a gift, it's probably best to hide it on the back of the tree, or, if you have one, at the bottom of your garbage disposal. It's the only way you can be certain that you won't wake up with it sitting on your pillow in the middle of the night.
#1. THIS IS NOT A LION
The website selling this thing claims that this is a baby lion. What we're seeing is a lipsticked mutant baby that is part lion, part reptile, and suffering from smallpox. It's a never-born creature that never should have had its first breath, smoking a pipe filled with the tears of innocents and the lost dreams of dying men. Because THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
There were more contributors to this article than could fit on a byline, and you can find more from each of them by clicking their names: Adam Wears, Brittany Renee Hall, Tracy V, Raoni Lacerda, and Kelly Stone.
For more people making the holiday a little less cheerful, check out 6 Real Life Supervillains of Christmas and The 5 Most Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Albums.