#2. Brainerd Diarrhea
If you've ever experienced the horrible consequences of a bad sushi restaurant, then you'll know the pain of shitting like a garden hose for a miserable day or so. Imagine doing that for months on end, and you'll have some idea of what it's like to come down with Brainerd diarrhea.
Time at last to catch up on How I Met Your Mother.
The disease gets its name from the town of Brainerd, Minnesota, where the first known case occurred, and which has the dubious honor of being the only town to lend its name to an explosive case of the buttsquirts. People afflicted with this condition typically experience 10 to 20 episodes per day, often accompanied by nausea, cramping and fatigue, possibly caused by running a daily toilet marathon while screaming "Oh God, oh God."
And these spells can last up to a year.
Eight outbreaks of Brainerd diarrhea have been reported since 1983, out of which six occurred in the United States. The original was the largest, with 122 people inflicted with a yearlong fire-hose butt. Beyond that, nothing much can be said about it -- there's some evidence that you get it from unpasteurized, raw milk, but doctors can't identify any specific reason for it beyond God's cruel imagination.
"You know what you did."
Hey, speaking of terrifying poop diseases ...
#1. Porphyria, the Vampire/Purple Shit Disease
People who suffer from porphyria experience a constellation of equally terrifying symptoms: Their gums recede to give the appearance of fangs, their skin bubbles and boils when exposed to sunlight and they can only be treated with injections of blood. If this sounds familiar to you, you're not the only one -- it has been theorized that porphyria sufferers contributed to the vampire legend.
The garlic thing is just because garlic is tasty.
Unlike most of the vampire tales we grew up with, however, sufferers of this particular disease tend to poop purple. There's also crippling abdominal pain and "mental disturbances," which probably come as a result of squeezing out a bright-purple turd.
Porphyria is caused when heme, a part of hemoglobin, isn't produced properly. As to why is literally anybody's guess. Scientists state that this could be because of a mutation in the DNA, but that doesn't explain why alcohol, drugs, infections and even estrogen could trigger attacks of certain types of porphyria.
Fortunately, sex and rock-and-roll still just cause STDs and tinnitus.
Scientists note that they've identified a gene mutation that's associated with having the disease ... in 20 percent of people. They also note that 80 percent of cases have no such mutation, which they probably reported with a bewildered shrug. What we're saying is there's always a chance that, one day, you too might crap purple and then develop an unstoppable urge to bite your neighbor.
For more terrifying things we have no answers for, check out 6 Terrifying Diseases That Science Can't Explain. Or discover 7 Horrible Ways the Universe Can Destroy Us Without Warning.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out If Mitt Romney Had a Kickstarter.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see how that itch on the bottom of your foot is going to kill you dead.
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