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5 Insane Real Sports They Need to Add to the Olympics

#2. Canine Freestyle Dancing

Getty

What We Have Now:

Dressage, which is a type of equestrian sport, which is a fancy word for "making our horses do things while wearing foppish clothing."


As you can see, horses are very capable of feeling shame.

The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:

Canine freestyle dancing.

Via Nemasc.org
This is one tearaway crotch short of being bestiality.

Haha! Look at that shit! That doesn't do it justice, though -- watch the video below. If you can make it through without ending up with a gigantic smile across your face, then you have become a stranger to joy:

What they do is they teach their dog a series of tricks that they incorporate with music, which we guess is what some would simply call "dancing." It's gaining popularity around the world, to the point where it actually has its own worldwide organization. And it should, it's amazing.

If we can have horses walking around in squares and actually call that an event at the Olympics, then it's damn well time to have dogs that really dance. And that probably isn't too impossible in the future either, as many of the big shots in the organization are trying their damnedest to get this into the Olympics.

And we agree. If this was on your television, how in the hell could you justify not watching it?

#1. Calcio Fiorentino and Botaoshi

Via Theadrenalist.com

What We Have Now:

Rugby, or we will as of the 2016 Games. But to us Yanks, rugby is nothing more than American football without the padding, which means all the tackles are 150 percent softer.

The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:

Either calcio fiorentino ...

Via Wanderwoman17.com
"You're going down, bud- mrrph mrrmrrph!"

... or botaoshi:

Via Wikipedia
Also known as "legalized murder."

Let's start with calcio fiorentino, which is what happens when you take away the whistle-blowing and stoppages from American football and add a bit more shirtless violence to rugby.

The name roughly translates to "Florence kick," and, well, that's all you need to know. The game is so simple: 27 people on each team, no referees, no whistles, no lines and no timeouts. It's the no-holds-barred version of football, where you're allowed to kick, punch, wrestle and probably even insult the fat mother of every single player on the opposing team for 50 minutes straight.

Via Albaclub.ru
You don't mock a man who wears those pants. You bow to him.

Started in the 16th century by noble Italian families who would compete with each other to show off their power and prowess, calcio fiorentino is like the Royal Rumble at Wrestlemania, if you add a ball and take away the kayfabe. Italians still hold their annual calcio fiorentino match in front of a giant church, and the entire event is more like a festival than anything. The teams march around the city in a parade beforehand, cannons are fired when the games start and then shirtless men beat the piss out of each other in a gladiatorlike sand pit.

But as manly and violent as calcio fiorentino is, it pales next to botaoshi, which we are declaring the Greatest Game in the World.

In this game, you have 75 people on each team (yes, 75, that's not a typo). They have two rounds, and in each round, each team is either defending or attacking. The defending team has to protect their pole and make sure that it stays up, because once it starts, the attacking team does everything it can to bring the pole down, and whichever team can bring the pole down faster wins.

Via Sprichie.com
That looks perfectly safe and logical in every way.

And this isn't just random chaos. They actually have specific roles, which include the pole support, the barrier, the interference, the scrum disabler and the ninja, who we assume goes around silently slitting the throats of opposing players. They also have guys who stand on the top of the pole to fight off anyone who manages to get past the other 74 people blocking their way. And what happens to these guys? They get pulled off in a giant brawl of 150 people.

You might wonder how the hell Japan ever came up with a game that seems like a roundabout form of economic stimulus for the local emergency rooms. Well, maybe because it didn't actually start out as a sport in the first place, but as a military exercise back in World War II, and they still do it every year to initiate all the new cadets. Why the hell shouldn't they share it with the world?

Find more from XJ here. And, when he finally gets the hang of it, he'd really love it if you followed him on his Twitter.

For more Olympic coverage from Cracked, check out 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics and 5 Ridiculous Sports You Won't Believe Were Olympic Events.

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