The 17 Most Important Things Said About the 2012 NFL Draft

For the handful of you who weren't following along, we covered the 2012 NFL draft live last night. On the job from the Cracked war-room, we had Soren Bowie (our resident NFL expert and a die hard Broncos fan) as well as Cody Johnston (has a last name that sounds sort of like that of Magic and Michael Johnson, who are both athletes). Here are the highlights ...

#17. Soren Is Displeased With Broncos, Cody Is Clearly Watching Lost on Hulu

5:01 Sorenb: Oh good, you're all here.

5:02 CodyJohnston: Thank God.

5:02 Comment From Michael Soren who is your team and who do you hope they take? Cody do you know the names of any teams?

5:02 Sorenb: I'm a Broncos fan. The broncos will pick up a DT in both their first picks, I imagine.

5:02 CodyJohnston: I'm familiar with the Gotham City Rogues.

5:03 CodyJohnston: And, now, the Broncos.

5:03 CodyJohnston: The... ::Illegible:: Broncos.

5:03 CodyJohnston: Denver probably.

5:03 CodyJohnston: Denver sounds right.

Getty
That's in Canada, isn't it?

5:04 CodyJohnston: I could probably guess some other teams.

5:04 Comment From Guest Who do you think will more likely Bust? Griffin or Luck?

5:04 CodyJohnston: Giants, Eagles, Tigers, Ravens, Crows, Dragons, and so on.

5:04 CodyJohnston: Those sound like team names.

5:05 CodyJohnston: Word is HBO's Luck has already been canceled.

5:05 Sorenb: Neither. They'll both be outstanding. Ryan Tannehill, though. That guy is terrible.

5:05 Comment From Daniel Obrien Who won the Super Bowl last year?

5:05 CodyJohnston: Never even heard of this Griffin show. Is that also HBO?

#16. Cody Apes Soren's Picks, Soren Comments on His B.O.

5:07 Sorenb: Cleveland absolutely will take Trent Richardson.

5:07 CodyJohnston: Yeah, Richardson is definitely going to go to Cleveland.

5:08 Sorenb: After that, who knows. They'll probably look for a wide receiver.

5:08 CodyJohnston: He had a really good year of sports last year.

5:08 Comment From Sam When will Brandon Weeden be taken?

5:08 CodyJohnston: Everyone's going to want Richardson.

5:09 Sorenb: Weedon will fall to the second round, I think. He's not that great.

5:09 CodyJohnston: This Bud Light Blue Room makes me want an ice cold Blue Moon.

5:09 CodyJohnston: Or just, not a Bud Light, I guess.

5:09 Sorenb: Andrew Luck looks and sounds like a regular sized Andre the Giant.

5:10 CodyJohnston: Speaking of products, I just have to bring up Old Spice right now.

5:10 Comment From Chris Oh shit a brandon stokley jersey

5:10 Sorenb: Finally I can wear mine again!

Getty
Put a helmet on Soren and they could be twins.

5:10 Comment From Edward why is Luck considered better t3 RG

5:11 CodyJohnston: Not because Old Spice is sponsoring this, but because I just really like Old Spice and would recommend it to whomever asked me what deodorant they should use.

5:11

CodyJohnston: If Old Spice wasn't sponsoring this, I would still want to take a moment and talk about Old Spice.

5:11 Sorenb: He's a better allaround quarterback. He makes smarter decisions. RG3 is really good but he's also more of a running quarterback which hasn't traditionally done well in the NFL.

5:11 Comment From Jesse Soren who do you think will best compliment manning out of the draft?

5:11 CodyJohnston: I've used it since high school, and it's never caused any problems for me. In fact, it's fixed some problems. Like, body odor problems and so on.

5:12 CodyJohnston: Not that I have body odor problems or anything.

5:12 CodyJohnston: (ladies)

5:12 Sorenb: Kendall Wright or Stephen Hill, The Broncos won't take a WR until the second round though. They need a defense.

5:12 Comment From Cuyler Who will have the best rookie season: Dontari Poe, Luke Keuchly or Courtney Upshaw?

5:13 Sorenb: Dontari Poe. He's going to be awesome.

5:13 CodyJohnston: Sorry, I got distracted by my love of Old Spice that is not at all influenced by the fact that they're sponsoring this.

5:13 CodyJohnston: What did I miss?

5:13 CodyJohnston: Hugs?

5:13 CodyJohnston: Looks like I missed a lot of people hugging each other.

5:14 Sorenb: RG3 barely fits in that gigantic suit.

5:14 Sorenb: When he hugs people it looks like his shoulder blades are about to explode out of it.

5:14 Comment From John Soren, can you verify that Cody does not have body odor problems?

5:14 CodyJohnston: Those have to be shoulder pads.

5:14 Sorenb: He smells like pine nuts and gasoline.

#15. Cody Gets Bored, Courtney Upshaw Stalks Soren

5:20 Sorenb: Man, this part of the draft is so boring.

5:20 CodyJohnston: Soren was just sarcastically surprised about whatever just happened on TV.

5:21 CodyJohnston: He was all "Oh, get out of TOWN."

5:21 Comment From RG3Skins Dolphins might move up.

5:21 CodyJohnston: And I was all "Heh heh, yeah. Totally expected. Heh heh."

5:21 CodyJohnston: They weren't nervous laughs at all.

5:21 Sorenb: They just want Ryan Tannehill, and no one else wants him.

5:21 CodyJohnston: Not at all.

5:22 CodyJohnston: "Man, this part of the draft is so boring." Soren, just now.

5:22 Comment From Paul What about the Jags? They need a WR bad, shouldn't they move up?

5:22 CodyJohnston: "Man, this part of the draft is so boring." me, literally any moment in time.

5:22 Sorenb: No one should take a WR in the first round. They under perform all the time.

5:22 Sorenb: Michael Floyd will be good but Blackmon will be a bust.

5:23 Comment From Buddhafw There's a dikta in your sister, and she is laying on the couch...

5:23 Sorenb: I'm lost track of the question now. Are we still fighting something?

5:23 Comment From Captain Ventris Soren, which draft pick will be the next celebrity to stalk you?

5:23 CodyJohnston: Alyssa Milano

5:24 Sorenb: Courtney Upshaw. He won't stop calling.

#14. Soren Can't Pick, Cody Explains His High School Nickname

5:30 CodyJohnston: But to answer your question for real, my nickname in high school was "Sports Guy".

5:30 Sorenb: Yes, the best wide receivers have generally come from the second round. The kids who go first are terrible team players because they've never been told no in their lives. They are hotshots. I don't like hotshots.

5:30 Comment From Shelly Anyone else feel bad for whomever the Browns draft?

5:30 Sorenb: Burn...

5:31 CodyJohnston: But not because I played sports, or was interested in sports, or knew the names of sports.

5:31 Sorenb: I think the Jaguars are going to take Gilmore and shot everyone.

5:31 CodyJohnston: It was because I wore sports deodorant to keep myself dry and smelling great.

Getty
Above: Cody's high school yearbook photo.

5:31 Sorenb: whoops, "shock"

5:31 CodyJohnston: Specifically, Old Spice sports deodorant.

5:31 Comment From Jack What will it take for the Cowboys to win the super bowl?

5:31 CodyJohnston: But it didn't have to be that.

5:32 CodyJohnston: Any old Old Spice product would do.

5:32 Sorenb: You're being ridiculous.

5:32 CodyJohnston: FIFTH PICK IN A SECOND

5:32 Sorenb: Well there goes my credibility.

5:33 Sorenb: Blackmon is going to Jacksonville. Apparently the pundits aren't listening to me at all.

Getty
SOME people prefer stacks of money to vindicating Internet comedy writers.

5:33 CodyJohnston: Now, when they say fifth pick...

5:33 CodyJohnston: That's fifth out of how many?

5:33 Sorenb: Cody, just...so many.

5:34 CodyJohnston: Like seven or something?

5:34 Sorenb: More, even more than that.

#13. Cody Fakes It Hard, Soren Talks Rugby

5:37 Sorenb: Keep your head in the game, Cody.

5:38 Comment From Anthony Hey Soren, as an NFL fan, what are your thoughts on Rugby?

5:38 CodyJohnston: "Head in the game".

5:38 CodyJohnston: Another sports phrase for me to remember.

5:38 CodyJohnston: Thanks, Soren.

5:38 Sorenb: I have nothing against it. It seems pretty agreeable. I like any game where people tape their ears to their heads.

5:39 Comment From Guest Cody, how many rundownscorepointhoopruns do you think Justin Blackmon will score this season? I hope several.

5:39 Comment From Bradford Which player, or position, are you most afraid the Broncos are going to pick if they screw the pooch?

5:39 CodyJohnston: I only recognized one of the words you just used.

5:39 CodyJohnston: But, yes, my name is Cody.

5:39 Sorenb: I think they might try to get a running back early which would ruin everything. They can afford to wait until the second or third round.

5:40 CodyJohnston: For football players, these guys sure are wearing a lot of baseball hats.

5:40 Comment From Darcy soren and cody, who are your favorite college teams to watch?

5:40 Sorenb: Boise State and Iowa. Cody, who do you like?

5:40 CodyJohnston: I went to The Ohio State University.

5:41 CodyJohnston: That's the closest thing to an answer that I can give you.

#12. Cody Mistakes Football For Game of Thrones, Soren Talks Jon Gruden

5:43 CodyJohnston: Seriously, I think Tyrion Lannister could go all the way.

5:43 CodyJohnston: He's been coming up a little short.

5:44 CodyJohnston: But he's got the stats and the smarts.

5:44 CodyJohnston: He just lacks the drive and ambition.

5:44 Sorenb: Cody, Tyrion has zero field IQ. I guarantee no one will even say his name today.

5:45 Sorenb: Mark Barron was a surprise.

5:45 CodyJohnston: WTF with Mark Barron is one of my favorite podcasts.

5:45 Sorenb: Where's his sports coat? How do we know he's, you know...sporty?

5:46 CodyJohnston: Soren, I think you've got your numbers wrong.

5:46 CodyJohnston: Don't jump the gun. I wouldn't count out Tyrion just yet.

5:46 Sorenb: It's weird how they always call players from Alabama "Bama Product"

5:47 CodyJohnston: But, seriously, football players, enough with the baseball hats.

5:47 Sorenb: These are people.

5:47 Comment From Joe Soren, speaking of Tampa safetys, who is your favorite of the Barber twins?

5:47 Sorenb: Tiki, his teeth are glorious.

5:48 Sorenb: Marion had so much hair his nose was almost touching his facemask.

5:48 Comment From daniel Soren, what are your thoughts on John Gruden? Hot or not?

5:49 Sorenb: His hair you can argue with, his hair you cannot.

5:49 Sorenb: Well that didn't make a lot of sense.

5:49 Sorenb: I think he's a great coach, and a mediocre announcer.

#11. Soren Mulls a Broncos Superbowl, Cody Supports The Bills

5:55 Sorenb: Well, it turns out I'm terrible at this.

5:55 Comment From Daniel I voted for Matt Kalil in the last poll because as an OLineman, he is big, hearty, and strong... and like all lineman, underestimated in the brains department.

5:56 Sorenb: You are smarter than me.

5:56 CodyJohnston: I don't want to steer things away from the draft or bring everyone down or anything, but I bet Joffrey Baratheon is raping an adorable puppy right now.

5:56 Comment From that guy I'm a broncos fan with the addition of manning what else do you think they need to go to the superbowl?

5:57 Sorenb: Like, a thousand things. A safety, a running back, two guys on the defensive line.

5:57 Sorenb: Oh, so I guess 3 then.

5:57 Sorenb: No, wait 4.

5:58 CodyJohnston: I just got word that there's a whole football team named after people named Bill.

5:58 CodyJohnston: That must make a couple thousand people feel really f*#%ing great about themselves.

#10. Cody Keeps Shilling Deodorant, Soren Plans Cracked's Flag Football Team

6:01 CodyJohnston: This draft is a real nailbiter.

6:01 CodyJohnston: Makin' me sweat.

6:01 CodyJohnston: Good thing I'm wearing Old Spice.

6:01 Comment From Eli Sorry its Peytons computer, he just gave me a swirly for using it.

6:01 CodyJohnston: And, again, I would be wearing it even if this wasn't sponsored by Old Spice.

6:01 Sorenb: Good. Now get back to your finger paints.

6:01 CodyJohnston: I know this sounds like a bit, like I'm doing a bit about being sponsored by Old Spice...

6:02 Comment From Joe Who would be drafted first in the Cracked flag football league?

6:02 CodyJohnston: But if this were sponsored by Bud Light (drink responsibly), and someone for some stupid reason asked "What deodorant do you use?", I would answer "Old Spice" and it would be an honest answer.

6:02 CodyJohnston: You don't have to believe me.

6:02 Sorenb: Seanbaby, Jack O'Brien and maybe Cody as a possible dark horse.

6:02 CodyJohnston: I don't expect you to.

6:02 CodyJohnston: Because, come on, this is sponsored by Old Spice.

6:03 Sorenb: Michael won't take it seriously and Brockway doesn't have the competitive spirit.

6:03 CodyJohnston: But I very seriously use it anyway, and I don't know what else to say to get you to believe me.

6:03 CodyJohnston: Regardless, good stuff.

6:03 CodyJohnston: Good stuff, that Old Spice.

6:04 Sorenb: Noooooooo

6:04 Comment From Old Spice Corporate Cody what kind of beer do you drink?

6:05 Sorenb: John Cheese is a loose cannon, I couldn't get him to play hard on every down for us.

6:05 CodyJohnston: I am contractually obligated to say Old Spice.

6:05 Sorenb: He also might hurt someone.

6:05 CodyJohnston: But if I weren't contractually obligated to say that, I would still say it.

6:05 CodyJohnston: I've drank it since high school, and I stand by it as a reliable, delicious product.

6:05 CodyJohnston: Regardless of the fact that this is sponsored by Old Spice.

6:06 CodyJohnston: Drink responsibly.

#9. Soren Talks The Eagles & Linemen, Cody Tries Real Hard

6:15 Comment From Tyler Soren, Was it worth it for the Eagles to trade up?

6:15 CodyJohnston: I'll rattle off some stats if you want.

6:15 CodyJohnston: A lot of good runs last year.

6:15 CodyJohnston: Good amount of goals and drives and stuff.

6:15 Sorenb: Good question. Man, I didn't anticipate everyone actually following the draft. I do think it was worth it, Cox is amazing and he fills a big hole for them. Oh, oh no. What did I just do?

6:15 CodyJohnston: My favorite part is when they get the ball into the area.

6:16 Sorenb: Cody, that's my favorite part too.

6:16 CodyJohnston: My least favorite part is when the team I don't like gets the ball into the area.

6:16 CodyJohnston: That's the worst.

6:16 Sorenb: What team do you want to get the ball into the area?

6:16 CodyJohnston: ...

6:16 CodyJohnston: ... Old Spice?

6:17 Comment From Alex Soren with both Poe and Cox off the board do you want the Broncos to trade back and pick up more value?

6:17 CodyJohnston: Just kidding, I'm a big fan of the other ones.

6:17 CodyJohnston: One of the animal teams.

6:17 Sorenb: No, there are still a lot of good defensive linemen out there. Jerel Worthy, maybe?

6:18 CodyJohnston: The parakeets or whatever.

6:18 Sorenb: Ugh.

6:18 CodyJohnston: Sorry. I mean the Parakeets.

6:18 CodyJohnston: No disrespect.

6:18 Sorenb: There are no parakeets.

6:18 Sorenb: Pick a predator, Cody.

6:19 Comment From Bryan Soren, how many hours did you spend researching prior to this chat so that you would have something to say?

6:19 Sorenb: Man, so many hours.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

76 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!