Look, we all have screwed-up priorities sometimes -- tell us you haven't at least once skipped class or work so you could, say, watch an all-day Frasier marathon. But as we like to point out, some people seem to be training to win the gold in the screwed-up priorities Olympics. For example ...
#6. To Get Rid of a Wart, a Man Blows His Finger Off With a Shotgun
For Yorkshire resident Sean Murphy, the painful wart on his finger was a source of frequent irritation and distraction, like being perpetually attached to a wacky sitcom neighbor. He tried everything he could think of to get rid of it, but after five years the wart was still there, constantly barging in uninvited and trying a new get-rich-quick scheme every week. Clearly it was time to get out the shotgun.
"Shotguns are like the Swiss Army knives of ... uh, guns."
That's right: After "no amount of creams, ointments or doctors' appointments" helped, Murphy decided it was time to take things to another level. He just so happened to have run across a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun that had been responsibly disposed of underneath a hedge, and Murphy had decided to keep it rather than alert the authorities because, hey, free shotgun. So, Murphy sat down with his new boomstick and, after a lot of careful deliberation, drank a whole shitload of beer. Then, after some much less careful deliberation, he took aim and blew the wart into oblivion ... along with the finger it was attached to.
Murphy was apparently surprised to lose his entire finger in the incident, and blamed the result on the gun's recoil. You know, instead of the copious amounts of alcohol in his system, or the fact that trying to shoot a wart off of a finger with a 12-gauge shotgun is like trying to ... actually, there is no comparison we can come up with crazier than this. In fact, from now on when trying to demonstrate overkill, we'll use the phrase "Like trying to remove a wart with a shotgun."
Then again, do you see any warts in this picture? Then problem solved.
The consequences didn't end there, though. Since the British legal system doesn't accept "finders keepers" as a defense against illegal possession of a firearm, Murphy found himself facing up to 15 years in prison. Fortunately, his lawyer was able to argue the sentence down to a fine and community service, which Murphy presumably will not be fulfilling by performing charity banjo recitals.
But if you think that losing his finger would get Sean Murphy down, you don't know Sean Murphy. According to him: "The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me a lot of trouble." And in his defense, here's what his finger looked like before he decided to vaporize it:
Holy shit, what did he do -- finger bang a witch?
See, that's covering, like, 3 percent of his finger there.
#5. Woman Goes into Labor in the Middle of a Skyrim Presentation, Stays to Watch
The birth of a child is one of the most magical and important events in any person's life. For most people, that is. Other people apparently just cross their legs and squeeze real tight so they can sit and watch video games.
Such is the case of Stevi and her fiance, Chaz, who attended QuakeCon (a video game convention) while Stevi was uber pregnant. But the baby wasn't due for almost another whole month, and Stevi just loved video games so friggin' much, so what could it hurt, right?
"What's with all this kiddie crap? I told you chucklefucks that my baby needs an Alienware."
Right. So Stevi and Chaz settled in to watch a demo for the as-yet-unreleased Skyrim (you may have heard of it -- it was kind of a big deal), and when the Frost Dragon appeared onscreen, Stevi got so excited that she felt a contraction. At first she thought nothing of it, seeing as the kid wasn't due yet and it might have just been false labor, but when the contractions continued, there was no longer any question -- it was time for a tiny new game nerd to enter the world.
Time to drop everything and hightail it to the hospital! Right? Not exactly. You see, Stevi and Chaz are hardcore gamers ... so hardcore that they decided they'd stick it out for the entire half-hour presentation. Contraction after contraction, the pair toughed it out in order to get an eyeful of Tamriel, the Dark Brotherhood and the Bosmer, which, if you've never heard of them, let us inform you, are totally worth ignoring the birth of your own child for.
"Honey, looking at that map, do you get the feeling that we are just complete fucking children?"
Wait, no. No, they're not. But as Chaz explained later, they "stayed for the rest of the demo because [Stevi] is a trooper and loves Skyrim." Once the presentation finished, Stevi and Chaz finally decided to get their asses to the hospital, where Stevi gave birth to a healthy baby girl, whom she (no shit) named Atari Lynn.
Our advice to little Atari: Just open with this story whenever you meet someone new -- we find it's easiest get those pity looks out of the way right off the bat.
"I can't even get her to look at an Xbox. All she wants to do is homework."
#4. Teen Sells a Kidney for an iPad
At some point in his life, every man has seen an awesome toy like, say, a brand new Ferrari, and facetiously said something like, "Oh yeah, I'd give my right nut to have one of those!" Well, as far as we know, nobody's actually gone out and chopped off half their manhood for a new sports car, but there's one kid who did something arguably even more idiotic for something only marginally less likely to increase his chances with the opposite sex.
We're referring to a teenager from China, known only by his last name, Zheng, who really wanted an iPad 2. The only problem was, he was lacking the cash to buy one, being both a teenager and in China. So, like most teenagers in need, he turned to the best source of help he knew: the Internet. After negotiations with Nigeria's finest royalty presumably fell flat, Zheng came across an advertisement that promised to pay handsomely for something of his that he really wouldn't miss. Just, you know, a goddamn kidney.
"Hey, if you're willing to trade in your sphincter, we can throw in a couple of BlackBerrys."
Now, this is the part where most of us would get nightmarish visions of waking up in a motel room bathtub filled with ice, with half a day missing and a nice new jagged scar for our troubles. But not our friend Zheng, oh no: This teen took one look at that ad and he signed himself right up for major surgery. So that he could get an iPad.
If you're thinking this is where Zheng ran into a roadblock because he needed something like, oh, we don't know, maybe "parental consent" or perhaps "a psychological evaluation" in order to sell off a major organ, you're wrong. You see, in China, selling your organs is apparently so easy, a child can do it. So Zheng went on down to the hospital and sold his kidney, just like that, and returned home with his shiny new iPad (and a laptop to boot), which immediately made his mom suspicious.
"Wait, where is your sister?"
When she asked the boy where he'd gotten the money for the loot, Zheng instantly fessed up. The fact that this was also about the time he started feeling pain from complications from the major freaking surgery he had just put himself through probably was another reason for the quick confession.
Zheng's mom was understandably livid, but when she demanded restitution from the hospital -- preferably in kidney form -- she was denied. The kidney thief didn't work for them. It turns out the hospital had rented out their operating room to a shady private individual because, really, why not? The police were also of no help, and it looks like Zheng now has to live with his choice for the rest of his life. But hey, on the upside -- Angry Birds!
"YEAH! Finally! Wait, why is it turning off? I just charged the goddamn thing!"