Hollywood may be a soulless machine of sequels, prequels, remakes and ripoffs, but there are some movies that even they won't touch -- some because they are undisputed classics that would only be cheapened by a sequel, and some because there's simply no rational way to continue the story.
Well, it turns out that if they've left those movies alone, it's not for lack of trying. Here are six absolutely real and completely insane proposed sequels that were fortunately never made:
6Se7en 2: Ei8ht
David Fincher's classic serial-killer flick Se7en has a pretty closed ending: Out of the four main characters, one is shot in the head, one is presumably institutionalized and another one now fits in a small box. However, where most people saw a finished story, the executives at New Line Cinema saw an ending filled with sequel potential, so they actually went ahead and developed a sequel centering on the one remaining character ... who is now magic.
In 2002, New Line Cinema grabbed a screenplay by the writer of Ocean's Eleven about a clairvoyant doctor who helps the FBI catch a serial killer and rewrote it as a sequel for Se7en, replacing the protagonist with Morgan Freeman's character from the first film. It's the exact same character, only this time around he has psychic powers (or maybe he had them all along but just didn't mention it in the first one).
"Because eat me, that's why."
This script was at one point sent to David Fincher, who said "it didn't make a lot of sense" and later commented that he would rather have cigarettes put out in his eye than do Ei8ht. So that's probably a no for him. We're pretty sure Brad Pitt would have sided with his pal Fincher ... but you never know about Morgan Freeman.
If he did Dreamcatcher, he'll do anything.
Once you start introducing supernatural elements, what's to stop them from bringing back John Doe as a crazy ghost who haunts Morgan Freeman? Or maybe Gwyneth Paltrow as his clumsy beheaded ghost sidekick. We're 90 percent sure these ideas were at least floated around by the execs before they mercifully abandoned the project.
But, believe it or not, this movie is coming out ... under its original name (Solace) and with Anthony Hopkins playing the psychic doctor.
Because Anthony Hopkins as a doctor who helps FBI agents catch a serial killer is the most original idea ever.
5E.T. 2: Nocturnal Fears
This sequel for one of the highest grossing and most beloved family films of all time would have taken everything that made E.T. successful and gone in the exact opposite direction: It would have featured evil aliens, animal murder and child torture. The one thing it didn't have? A sizable role for E.T. himself.
And instead of Reese's Pieces it would have been something hateful, like chocolate Skittles.
After the insane success of E.T. in 1982, Steven Spielberg and the movie's writer Melissa Mathison immediately got to work on a sequel. Within weeks of the original movie's release, Spielberg and Mathison had already produced a nine-page treatment for E.T. 2: Nocturnal Fears, which borrowed several elements from a previous idea of Spielberg's about a family being terrorized by aliens. Which sounds weird, but come on ... how can you go wrong with E.T.? Aside from turning it into a video game.
The story begins exactly like the first E.T., with a spaceship landing in the middle of the forest -- the only difference is that this time more than one alien comes out, and also they are evil. We know this because the treatment specifically says, "The aliens on board are EVIL." They look exactly like E.T., only they're albinos. We later find out that the white aliens hate the brown-skinned aliens and have come to Earth chasing E.T., whose real name is revealed to be Zrek.
Zrek Jefferson, to be more specific.
E.T., however, left Earth long ago, so these redneck aliens amuse themselves hunting and killing forest animals with their mental powers. Yep, instead of Reese's Pieces, they feed on fresh meat. Meanwhile, the kids from the first movie are feeling depressed because they still miss their turd-looking space friend. Elliott and his brother and sister somehow end up back in the forest and bump into the albino aliens -- the aliens sense that they know something about "Zrek" and freeze the terrified kids with their powers.
And this is where things get really messed up: The kids are taken into the spaceship and tortured by aliens for information on Zrek. Elliott is tortured until he passes out and then tossed into a cell with his siblings.
Drew Barrymore would have been around 9 at the time this movie was made, and therefore already addicted to cocaine.
At this point, the rest of the movie would have been rendered completely unwatchable by the horrified screams of every kid in the audience. And the foremost question in their minds (besides "Whyyyyyy?") would be: Where the hell is E.T.? Turns out he only shows up at the very end of the movie, when he rescues the kids and sends the bad guys to the other end of the galaxy ... before heading back into space himself. That's his entire role in the film.
Granted, this was just an initial treatment, and a lot would have probably changed before it got made, but the fact that it was written by Spielberg and Mathison themselves didn't bode well. In the end, Spielberg decided to abort the project because even he realized that it "would do nothing but rob the original of its virginity."
Above: Our best idea of what he was talking about.
That's ... one way to put it.