#2. Geraldo Rivera Meets Count Duckula
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Right off, even the "Duckula" in the title logo of this comic is shrugging, like it's saying "Yeah, I don't know how the hell this happened either."
Yes, it's the classic comic duo of Count Duckula and journalist/talk show host Geraldo Rivera, and if you draw a Venn diagram of both fanbases, the only way the two groups would touch would be "inappropriately." We have no idea who this is for, who asked for this, or why the hell you would give it to him in the infinitesimal chance someone did ask for it. As a challenge, we tried to come up with something weirder, and we only came up with Gerardo "Rico Suave" Mejia and Count Quackula.
Mark Sennet/Oynx, DreamWorks Animation
One has no shirt, the other has no pants. Together, they fight crime.
The comic begins with Geraldo filming a show in Transylvania where he is about to open the other secret vault of Al Capone. This is a reference to a super-hyped Geraldo TV special from 1986 where we discover that the only thing Capone was keeping in his vault was his unused oxygen. This comic was published late in 1989, so that reference had more than a few flies feasting on its rotten carcass by the time Duckula took it out for a spin. This time around, the secret vault turns out to be just the back door to Duckula's castle. Having his special ruined again, Geraldo decides to make a last minute change and film a special about vampire ducks.
Geraldo knows this is how all Eastern-European cannibal sodomite snuff movies begin.
And then hilarity ensues ... or it would have ensued if the references in this comic weren't just as confusing and inexplicable as its existence.
Stephen Kink, celebrated author of Batman, apparently.
Continuing with the story, as much we would prefer anything else, Duckula's archnemesis, duck vampire hunter Dr. Von Goosewing, crashes the show to try to kill Duckula, but the only rancid undead monstrosity he manages to kill here is the humor ... even more.
You can tell it's fiction because someone thinks Geraldo getting 'stache blasted by a chair is a bad thing.
This is also a reference to something that happened to Geraldo. In 1988, during a show about skinheads who strangely had heads full of hair, a fight broke out and Geraldo's nose lost against a flying chair. At least this time the reference was only a bit more than a year old, and we think the comic is basically saying that Duckula is as bad as racism. That's OK with us.
But it was all for nothing, because Duckula, being a vampire, cannot be captured on film.
However, Geraldo's shame is captured perfectly, as always.
Duckula and company get kicked out of the studio and return to Transylvania. In the end, the only thing we can learn from this is that Duckula's comics were terrible and that's why they only lasted 15 issues.
#1. Superman Meets Everyone
As we've said before, Superman has appeared in a comic with literally everyone. But that doesn't just go for other superheroes and the Quik Bunny; the Man of Steel has also met countless celebrities, like that time he and Orson Welles fought Martian Hitler.
Supes totally saved Welles' "rosebud" from that dick shot.
In this story from 1950, Welles has just finished shooting a movie when he comes across an experimental rocket to Mars and manages to lock himself inside right before it launches. Once on Mars, the director of Citizen Kane realizes that the Martians are huge fans of Hitler. Their leader even calls himself "Martler" and grew a little mustache.
He also had one of his Martian gonads removed for full accuracy.
Welles tosses the Nazi space dwarf aside and sends a message to Earth warning about the Martian invasion -- unfortunately, no one believes him because of that time he trolled them with that War of the Worlds hoax.
"Wait, that's my colonoscopic vision. Perry should get that ass-troid checked out."
And then Welles and Superman end the invasion by using Martler's unconscious body as a ventriloquist dummy to broadcast a peaceful message to all of his followers.
Dammit, if only the Allies had thought of this during World War II.
There was also the time Don Rickles agreed to make a one-page cameo in a Jimmy Olsen issue, but then comic legend Jack Kirby (the same man who "adapted" 2001: A Space Odyssey into a comic about a robot superhero) took that one page and turned it into a deranged two-issue saga featuring Rickles' crazy spandex-wearing twin. Rickles was shocked.
"So that's why Kirby asked for those photos of me in my underwear ..."
But the most unnerving guest appearance in a Superman comic has to be the time he met President John F. Kennedy ... after Kennedy was dead. Months before his assassination, the Superman writers had prepared a whole mini-storyline where JFK knew Superman's secret identity and helped him protect it by dressing up as Clark Kent. The comics ended up coming out just a few months after Kennedy was shot to death.
That's, um, a rather unfortunate choice of words there.
So think about it: One day thousands of kids in America opened an issue of Superman that promised a surprise guest star inside (the cover said "Who is the mystery masquerader?"), only to find out on the last page that it was their recently dead president. No wonder Don Draper's kids in Mad Men are so messed up.
Related Reading: These aren't the only insane celebrity cameos we can dig up- not even close. And Jay Leno teaming up with Spider-Man won't sound half as crazy when you've watched him beat up Hulk Hogan. If, wracked with the throes of addiction, you simply must have a STRONGER hit of ridiculous celebrity cameos, we give you this list of famous Americans in Japanese ads.