5You Have a 1 in 3 Chance of Surviving Getting Stabbed in the Heart
If getting stabbed through the ticker is bad enough to kill Dracula, surely no human can survive having their heart turned into shish kabob. Right?
Your odds of surviving a stab wound directly to the heart are roughly 1 in 3.
It's why the first person you convert in your new coven is a surgeon.
Yes, we realize that's not as favorable as the "getting shot" stat above, but come on. If Arnold Schwarzenegger had gotten stabbed in the heart in one of the movies where he plays a human and then came back like nothing had happened, you'd have been screaming bullshit. If in real life you stabbed a dude right in his heart and he just got back up, you wouldn't be saying, "Damn, that's a badass!" No, it'd be more like, "AAHHH! ZOMBIE! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!"
Quick, think of something before he dies -- "You've been businessed." Goddamnit.
Now, don't get us wrong; getting stabbed through the heart sucks, and if it ever happens to you, you should definitely stop what you're doing and go straight to a doctor. But according to a seven-year study on penetrating cardiac injuries involving more than 20,000 consecutive trauma patients, the survival rate for patients who were stabbed in the heart was 32.6 percent -- slightly better than the 31.9 percent for all passengers and crew on the Titanic.
In a twist of ironic justice, if you do this on any ship, the crew will stab you in the heart.
So, for those of you keeping score, if a heart-stab victim and a passenger on the Titanic were racing each other toward a finish line called "survival," the guy with the dagger in his heart would probably be the winner. Unless the Titanic passenger was one of the priority lifeboat passengers, like if it was some rich person's baby. But then, how would he race? You need to think these things through, people.
4Venomous Snakes Kill Fewer People Than Insects
First of all, we're going to limit this specifically to venomous snakes that bite people. You already probably know that most snakes aren't in that category, and are content to hang out in your yard and eat toads and mice. But those stats you hear about how snakes won't kill you -- that's not referring to the bad snakes, right? No matter what anyone says about snakes in general, if you run into a damned rattlesnake or cobra, it's still going to murder your ass, isn't it?
Dude, just let 'em have the damn baskets.
Out of the 7,000 to 8,000 people who receive venomous snakebites in the U.S. each year, guess how many actually die as a result?
It's five. Freaking five.
"He's not pissed off enough. Flute me up some Bizkit."
For comparison, that's fewer than the total number of people killed by non-venomous insects each year.
Hell, there's a good chance that even if you are bitten, you won't even get any snake venom in your body -- these are called "dry bites" and constitute anywhere from 25 percent to more than 50 percent of bites from venomous snakes. This means that women are more likely to fake an orgasm than deadly snakes are willing to go all the way when they bite, which, now that we think about it, seems like a major cop-out on both fronts.
That's why you can have stories like Sant Ram of India, who supposedly was bitten 60 times in three years, because apparently snakes think he tastes great. He was still alive the last time anyone heard.
"Well, there's your problem. Found this little guy hanging out in your colon."