All right: Who wants to be waited on hand and foot by a legion of servants devoted to your every material need? Got those hands up? Good! Now, who wants to be buried underground, give birth every three seconds and be licked continuously by insects? Whoa! Still, uh ... still some hands up, huh? Well, all right; it takes all kinds of freaky water to float some boats. But for most of us, "insectile birthing prison" sounds like a perverse living hell dreamed up by a tag team of Japanese fetish porn writers and H.R. Geiger. That's just another day in the life of a termite queen, however.
Who proportionally has a 30-foot ass.
A single queen is the mother of every termite in her colony, which frequently have populations of over a million. She spends her life confined to a cell-like chamber in the middle of the nest, where she gives birth every three seconds, for the next 15 years. Holy shit, we had no idea any insect lived that long, much less lived that long in continuous labor.
We assume the incredible phallic overtones keep her knocked up.
And though his plight in no way compares, do spare a thought for the termite king. While his title conjures up images of a superbug commanding a million-strong army on the path to world (or at least those beams under the back deck) domination, the king -- a normal-sized termite -- instead spends his whole life locked inside the birthing chamber as well, to perpetually bone his no-doubt eternally pain-enraged queen.
"You're not running off with any of those thin-waisted little sluts. This is YOUR FAULT."
Most baby birds hatch as scrawny, helpless little things that need tons of parental care. But why is that? There's a significant evolutionary advantage to having your chicks born bigger and healthier. If you just lay a larger egg, your chick will have a higher chance of survival after hatching. Flawless logic, right? Evolution thought so, too, and decided to try it out on the flightless kiwi of New Zealand. Here's how that experiment went:
This is too big.
The spotted kiwi grows to about 10 inches high and weighs in at just under 3 pounds, yet it manages to lay an egg 5 inches long. For comparison, that's like a human being giving birth to a normal-sized second grader. A female kiwi can't even eat for two or three days before laying the egg because there's no space in her abdomen for her stomach. Not surprisingly, once the egg is laid, the mother wants little more to do with the rotten bastard and leaves the rest of the incubation up to the father. And if he complains for even one goddamn second, she'll take a hammer to his skull, swear to Christ, she'll do it -- try her.
"An omelet sounds real damn good right now."
After a privileged life of dining on only the finest bee spit, the time will eventually come for a virgin queen bee to move out of the hive and start her own. And thus begins one of the grandest spectacles of the insect kingdom, where thousands of male drones will compete to fertilize all the eggs she will ever lay. Truly, it is the most wondrous of all of nature's gangbangs.
Unfortunately for the males, there are a couple of complications.
Massive heebie-jeebies, for one.
First, once the queen lands, she's done with men for life. So if they're ever going to get it on, they have to do it in flight via a complicated docking maneuver wherein they employ an extended penile apparatus known as an endophallus -- basically a giant bee dong. It's kind of like Top Gun, when Maverick connects up to the tanker plane for mid-air refueling, only if he had to fight off Goose, Iceman and thousands of other pilots trying to do the same thing, too, and all with his waggling dick out in the air.
So basically, it's exactly like Top Gun.
The other bees just make do with Pearl Harbor.
Second, since this is all about getting his DNA passed on to the next generation, the male bee also has to stop the other fellas from getting a go afterward. Well, how the hell is he supposed to manage that? He doesn't exactly have pockets! Damn, if only he had something on him exactly the right size and shape to fit inside a female's genitalia that he could just shove in there and leave behi-- oh, dear God.
In one moment of terrifyingly profound masculinity, a male bee's first and only orgasm is so powerful that it blows his penis clean off, neatly plugging the queen.
This is just about ready to turn into a children's illustrated book.
Say what you will about the horror of the process, but when a queen honeybee gets fucked, she stays fucked.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover which columnist was screwed by evolution.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!