The 7 Dumbest Video Game Innovations That Actually Exist
#3. Dark Room Sex Game -- Sound-Only Wiimote Porn
Dark Room Sex Game is an erotic video game created by a group of students in Copenhagen who apparently never got over the fact that Nintendo's Wii remote sort of looks like a dong (if dongs were rectangular and had little buttons in them). However, even if you're the sort of person who has been waiting for a Wii porn game since 2006, you'll probably be disappointed to find out that this game has no graphics. (You might want to mute the following video if you're at work, though.)
The game is played by standing before a speaker that makes erotic sounds and whipping your Wiimote in tandem with a partner. There's no screen, so to an outside observer it might as well be a female tennis match simulator. If you and your partner follow the audio cues correctly and achieve a good rhythm, the game will let you know you have won by having a loud orgasm.
The winner is then rewarded by an overwhelming feeling of shame.
The designers, who classify this as a party game, say they took away the visuals to make it "more erotic" and force players to "user their imaginations" (but not too much, because no one likes the guy at every party with the visible boner). They also admit they were inspired by the "phallic shape (and rumble) of the Wiimote" and that the ultimate goal is to make players feel embarrassed and satisfied at the same time. A less obvious objective is preparing us for when the machines take over and robot handjobs become a thing.
For extra awkwardness, there's even an "orgy mode" where two couples compete to see who can reach climax the fastest (so it's more like "premature ejaculator" mode). While Dark Room Sex Game is designed to be played with Wiimotes, it's actually a PC game. Of course, if they do license it to Nintendo at some point, we're guessing they'd probably find a way to slap Mario on the cover.
"It's-a me, thumbing your brown eye!"
#2. Kiss Controller -- Turn French Kissing into Bowling
Bowling video games probably reached their zenith with Nintendo's Wii Sports mini-game -- once you are able to play by performing an actual throwing-ball swinging motion, where else can you go? Well, artist Hye Yeon Nam found the next innovation: kiss bowling.
One of the players wears a headset in front of his mouth and the other has to stick a little magnet to her tongue with some Fixodent. The one with the magnet then inserts her polarized tongue into the other person's mouth and uses it to maneuver the virtual bowling ball.
The strength of the throw is controlled by the potency of his boner.
At this point you have to try to keep your tongue as straight as possible in order to maintain the direction of the ball, while at the same time wiggling it as fast as you can to increase the ball's speed. This goes on for the most horrible 20 seconds of your life. It's like this was designed by someone who has only ever been kissed by overbearing psychopaths.
"Well, that score was definitely worth souring our relationship forever."
So, as impressive as this invention may seem, we're just not convinced that the tongue is the optimal choice for a controller, especially when you consider factors like bad breath, possible muscle cramps and the human need to breathe. Add that to the fact that the deep throating has to be carefully coordinated, and that you have to be wearing all that shit in your face and keep glancing at the screen to know how you're doing, and it's like someone really went out of their way to suck all the fun out of kissing and bowling both.
#1. Deep Sea -- The Creepy Gas Mask Game
Turns out sound-only games aren't just for porn: whereas Dark Room Sex Game wants you to feel aroused, Deep Sea wants to scare the living shit out of you. For starters, it forces you to wear this thing:
Via Populationgo.com
"Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me."
That is a gas mask, yes. So it's not just that you can't see the graphics: You can't see anything at all, and you can only hear the creepy sounds that come from the game itself (everything else is canceled out by the headphones). In Deep Sea, you are underwater and surrounded by unthinkable creatures coming at you from all sides. An AI character tells you which way the monsters are coming, more or less, and you have to try to shoot them down with your joystick. If there's a hit, you'll hear a scream -- if you miss, all you will hear is your shot drifting away into the sea (and, eventually, your own scream).
The game is extremely claustrophobic, and this is all quite intentional: In this interview, the game's creator admits that "It's meant to be a difficult, frustrating, scary experience." Even worse, he says, "I saw somebody rip off the mask and I realized ... I think I'm on to something here."
"The fear-urine was another big indicator."
In fact, the more scared you are, the harder the game gets -- the game actually keeps track of your breathing and plays back an exaggerated breathing sound that increases the more nervous you get, sooner or later drowning out the game's commands and getting you killed. Even if you're not claustrophobic at all, you might be after playing it.
And as if the experience wasn't traumatic enough, the game is also designed to be played in public spaces only, meaning that as soon as you take off your mask you realize people have been watching you lose your shit for the past 10 minutes.
Which is still less shameful than playing Wii tennis in public.
For more things we wished wouldn't happen in the gaming world, check out 5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying to Get You Addicted and The 6 Most Ominous Trends in Video Games.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover the things Bucholz does around the office that nobody ever asks or wants him to do.
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#1 sounds fun, but I'm not so enthusiastic about sharing the mask with sweaty fanboys...
ReplyThat last one sounds like a shitload of fun.
Replyit makes sense that there is a being who does to us the same thigs we do to the paramecia.
ReplyWITHOUT US KNOWING IT, THINKING THAT WE DO THE THINGS WE DO BECAUSE OF OUR OWN FREE WILL.
Boom.
Before I start reading this article I just want to give a thumbs up to the "bag of dicks", not because I enjoy "bag of dicks"...just the phrase.
ReplyDeep sea looks completely awesome.
ReplyAgreed. I want to play it so bad right now. Games that can scare the living s**t out of you are rare these days, but this one seems like it can easily pull it off.
I pity janitors that work in places where the peeing game is installed. Really.
ReplyI, too, would like to play video games by singing ABBA songs.
ReplyNow I'll begin this comment by saying I loved Cracked (always start with a positive), however I found this article to be...really boring.
ReplyDeep Sea: Oh, that is so Fallout.
ReplyHow does #1 qualify as "dumb" exactly. If anything, it sounds more like bold new direction in horror-based gameplay.
ReplyI agree. No.1 sounds f*****g awesome.
Oh come on, it's so obvious. The maker of the game knows it, those people testing it in the video know it, the Cracked writers know it, everyone who sees the video know it. Game #2 is not meant as a "FRENCH KISSING bowling".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf you play it the RIGHT WAY, it negates all of those problems written in the article about it.
-No more hassle over glancing to the screen to verify the distance/angle. That woman can do that, plus, she would then have to communicate it to the guy, which would make this a fun co-op game.
-Bad breath would no longer be a factor. (Bad something else maybe, but only if you're a dirty savage)
-Muscle cramps? sure she might have some, but only if the guy's DOING IT RIGHT. That's actually like an extra objective.
-Breathing will never be a problem for at least one of the people involved at each session.
Plus, the bowling loving dude gets his satisfaction with getting a high bowling score, while his playmate gets hers by um...anyway, everybody wins! Fun activity for the whole family!
That last sentence was..... odd.
^ Kind of reminded of a line or two out of Chevy Chase's Family Vacation movies.
So how do you fasten the sensor to your johnny?
I want that gasmask game.
ReplyIf that urinal oriented game got anywhere near where I live in the south... well lets just say the bathrooms are dirty enough without giving the deviants something else to aim at.
ReplyThe south doe not have the monopoly on dirty restrooms.
I made a home made version of the DEEP SEA game. To play it you need to have a brown paper grocery bag and four friends. You go stand in the middle of your room with the bag on your head, and your friends walk by you in different patterns and make stupid ass noises and you need to slap at the direction the sound is coming from. When your heart beat increases and you start slapping more widly and breathing heavier, they circle around you FASTER and make even WEIRDER sounds at a LOUDER range. When you connect and slap them, you get a point. The game is called: How the f*ck did the guy who created Deep Sea get an award?
Reply#2: You cannot deny that this was a real great idea to start picking up other chicks.
ReplySomehow I think the pick up stage would already be well initiated if convinced them to play this game.
I think the peeing game would be quite awesome! It's just what urinals have been missing :D
ReplyI believe the screaming technology could be put to good use for "Mario party" games .. anyone who has ever played that game ( with actual other people) knows what 'colorful" epithets that series of games can produce.. especially if one or more of the players are drunk.
ReplyMy brother in law would always win if there was a screaming option instead of manual controls. It would be no fun.
Anyone know where we can play #1? Seriously, we should have a cracked convention with these games and other list related activities.
ReplyYes, like Roosevelt and f*****g ducks. This would be the best thing ever.
#1 could be made with just headphones and any old sleeping eye covers, no? Or closing your eyes. I'm sure the mask adds to the effect, so, you know, put a bag over your head or something.
ReplyThe gas mask also contains the stuff that monitors your breathing.
Life is short,goo.gl/Oepcn is what you need.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTell me more..
Taste the Googlé!
No thanks, I still have a bottle from last time.