#2. Andrew Jackson and Davy Crockett Take on an Assassin
One was a controversial and divisive American president who didn't shy away from getting in gun duels with his opponents; the other was a frontier folk hero destined to die at the Alamo.
Despite the fact that both Andrew Jackson and Davy Crockett were whiskey-drinking badasses who loved the American frontier enough to have sex with it, they surprisingly did not get along all that well. Crockett didn't like Jackson's treatment (read: genocide) of the Native Americans, and Jackson refused to buy into any of the stories that made Davy Crockett a living legend.
The first recorded case of jumping the shark.
Even though Crockett was a staunch Anti-Jacksonian, on January 30, 1835, he set aside personal politics in order to help President Jackson subdue his would-be assassin Richard Lawrence just outside the U.S. Capitol.
Jackson may be wearing funeral attire, but it's definitely not for his own.
As recalled by Jackson himself, when he saw the assassin raise his pistol, "I therefore raised my cane, with which I knew I could give such a stroke as to break his pistol arm, and was rushing on him when some of my friends seized him by the collar and pushed me back, thereby placing me in great danger."
"I could have had him, man."
Then, who should come flying out of the crowd but Jackson's enemy, Davy Crockett, not to hand the assassin a bigger gun, but to grab the gunman. Crockett and other members of the crowd put a beatdown on the assassin, while President Jackson himself started whaling on the guy with his cane.
So, there you have it. Hate gave these two men a common ground on which to stand. A frontier legend wrestled the gunman to the ground so that a president could beat him within an inch of his life using a piece of wood. That's American history, folks.
Stay tuned for our next article to feature Andrew Jackson, "7 American Presidents Who Dueled Elder Gods."
#1. A Motley Crew of Entertainers Take on the Nazis in the Most Roundabout Way Possible
One was a children's book author, another was the future creator of James Bond, another was a famous actor. They and others worked behind the scenes to unite the world against Hitler ... sometimes with their dicks.
Allow us to explain.
You really have no other choice in the matter.
Back in the beginning of World War II, Britain was all kinds of royally screwed: The Nazi war machine marched on and the U.S. had no interest in helping for fear of breaking its winning war streak in an away game. But Britain wasn't content to let the Americans sit it out, so they assembled a secret agent group nicknamed the Baker Street Irregulars to nudge the Americans into the war. Since this mission didn't involve stabbing or shooting people, the agents were chosen more for their ability to make friends, charm people and find their way into women's pants.
Casual cigarette smoking was key to this plan.
Thus the Irregulars group included (among others) Ian Fleming, the creator of James Bond and one of the few people badass enough to appear in several Cracked lists; Roald Dahl, the creator of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; singer, actor and playwright Noel Coward; and Leslie Howard, most famous for his role as Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind. Their boss was none other than the man who was the inspiration for James Bond, a Canadian soldier, businessman and inventor named Sir William Stephenson.
Half Roger Moore, half mildly puzzled.
The group's main mission was to befriend important and influential people and convince them to join the war effort or, if that didn't work, spy on them and gather enough material to blackmail them. And that's where their penises came in. Roald Dahl became the personal sausage delivery guy for Clare Booth Luce, Republican congresswoman and the wife of the owner of Time, Life and Fortune magazines. Her husband, Henry Luce, was considered an anti-British isolationist, so nailing the man's wife just to spy on him was actually a very important mission. After just a few days of it, Dahl called his superiors pleading to abort the project because, and this is a real quote, "I am all fucked out! That goddamn woman has absolutely screwed me from one end of the room to the other for three goddam nights."
A phrase he used in not just one, but two of his books.
Dahl's superiors told him how crucial his role was and reminded him how he was very literally "Doing it for England." Considering that at this point Dahl was already a war hero for his bravery in the RAF, we have to wonder what the hell this woman was doing to the poor guy that was worse than torture.
Oh yeah, we're wondering hard.
It wasn't all just sexy espionage and cuckoldry, though. In 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave a speech claiming he had a map of South America stolen from the Nazis that showed that they were not going to stop with just taking Europe and that America needed to get into the war. A lot of FDR detractors claimed he had made that map up, but they were half wrong: The map was a fake, but FDR didn't know that. The map was a forgery thought up by the Irregulars, who slipped it to American intelligence and hoped it would finally convince Americans to get fighting.
The U.K. only pretends to be friends with us, as all-out confrontation isn't polite.
Even after the Japanese cordially invited the U.S. to join the war by running planes into Pearl Harbor, most of the Irregulars stayed in the U.S. and continued spying because, hey, why not? They maintained jobs in the celebrity sector, and Roald Dahl was even invited to dinner at the White House by Eleanor Roosevelt herself because her grandchildren were fans of his books.
"You want to meet them? You must be joking, sir."
At this point, FDR not only knew about the forged map that made him look like an asshole, but he also knew Dahl's preferred method for espionage involved using married women's vaginas as periscopes. During the dinner, FDR casually commented, "I have had a very interesting cable from Winston," which was his way of pointing out he knew Dahl was a spy. There's no documentation of what followed, but we can assume it was probably Dahl sheepishly crawling out from under Eleanor's dress.
Jacopo della Quercia is also the proud author of "Go @#$% Yourself!" - An Ungentlemanly Disagreement, a book that was 99% written with the Wall Street Protests in mind.
For duos that shouldn't have happened, check out The 6 Biggest Over-Achievements in the History of Marriage. Or see why we shouldn't trust da Vinci in 9 Inventions that Prove Leonardo da Vinci Was a Supervillain.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see what happens when Jack O'Brien and Dan O'Brien combine forces (sexually).
Check out The All-New Cracked.com Zombie Page featuring our most popular zombie articles like 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen and 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly).
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