5 Bizarre Dark Sides to Modern Orchestras
Most people think of the orchestra as a hoity-toity elevator music club invented for your granny's listening pleasure. And while it's true that most members of their audiences are probably knocking on death's door , playing in one must still be an honorable, noble profession, right?
But like all forms of music, the orchestra has a the seedy underbelly of drugs, horrific injuries and low pay.
#5. Performance-Enhancing Drugs Are Rampant
Fucking up in baseball is so common that there's a special stat for it. In an orchestra, though, a single fuck-up can mean the difference between a sweet piece of Mozart and The NY Times talking about how shitty you are. And even the best, most practiced musician is going to get a case of nerves when walking out in front of a half-empty concert hall of sedated senior citizens. So what is the modern solution to performance anxiety?
Beta blockers. Magic pills that steady the hand and smooth out the notes.
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Her betas ain't going nowhere.
Traditionally used to help with heart issues, these pills work by counteracting the effects of adrenaline. This drops blood pressure, slows the heart, reduces breathing rate and turns Speed into a exercise in zen. The end result is a noticeable increase in playing quality. Yep, it's steroids for violinists.
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"That's a perfect rendition of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! Shame that we're playing Bach."
How widespread is the prescription-strength orchestra? A study way back in 1986 found that 27 percent of musicians admitted that they took beta blockers. Though beta blockers are the reason that a North Korean pistol shooter was stripped of his medal, there's no push to start piss tests before Prokofiev. After all, this is a great alternative to what musicians used to use to settle down: tranquilizers or beer.
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Pictured: The BBC Philharmonic.
#4. Playing is Dangerous
Playing music is goddamn terrible for your body. Hearing aid companies, for example, will advise that all musicians risk progressive hearing loss since the average orchestra is loud enough that it violates OSHA sound regulations. Anyone who practices for more than a few seconds a day could end up with a case of repetitive strain injury. But we're not talking about that (or the fact that string instruments shred your fingertips and violin players get horrifying, oozing sores on their necks). There are nontrivial, potentially life-ending injuries that a wind instrument player can sustain.
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Like chronic noogie syndrome.
Yes. Life-ending. It is possible to die from playing a fucking trumpet. There are the horrifying cases of strokes in people who were playing trumpet so awesomely that their brains exploded.
If death is too scary an outcome, serious trumpet players can merely shred their mouth muscles until they require surgery to play again. It's called Satchmo's syndrome after Louis I-motherfucking-invented-jazz Armstrong. In addition to losing the ability to control his mouth adequately, Satchmo also played enough to start bleeding from his lips, which presumably made him all the more badass.
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"That frothing blood-rimmed mouth sure makes Ride of the Valkyries more immersive!"
Trumpet players, and indeed all brass instrument players, use something called a Valsalva maneuver. It sounds like a military tactic but is actually the same thing you do when taking a shit. The Valsalva maneuver transiently raises blood pressure as the body strains against, well, nothing but itself. Now, repeat this daily for years. End result? A whole clusterfuck of symptoms. Increased incidence in eye problems that are related to glaucoma. In fact, brass players could very well end up like this 50-year-old trombone player who tromboned so hard his retinas began to bleed. Holy shit!
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"ARE YOU READY TO CLASSIC?"
#3. Orchestras are Notoriously Sexist
In 1980, a letter arrived for one Mr. Conant, letting him know he had advanced to the next round of auditions for the spot as the principle trombone player with the Munich Philharmonic. That's a big deal, considering they've been around for going on 120 years (though they probably don't tout the fact that they at one point were known as the Orchestra of the Fascist Movement), so you can imagine what an opportunity this would have been. You can also imagine the hiring committee's surprise when Herr Conant appeared with a big smile, a large trombone and a huge set of breasts.
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"That's very nice Ms. Conant. Give the trombone back to your husband and we'll get started."
Since initial auditions are done blind, the members of the committee had not realized that their best trombone candidate was (gasp) a woman named Abbie Conant. In spite of her XX composition, they let her finish the audition process and hired her. However, shortly after Ms. Conant arrived, her fellow musician's latent fear of vaginas began to show. For the rest of her career, Ms. Conant was exposed to a scale of sexist bullshit that deserves a medal for its scope, audacity and stupidity.
After two years of probation and rave reviews, she was mysteriously demoted. When she questioned why, the conductor said, "You know the problem, we need a man for the solo trombone." Subtle!
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"Your lungs are a little too emotional and high pitched for our tastes."
Subsequently, Ms. Conant was forced to submit to a physical exam determining her fitness to play her instrument. And when the orchestra demanded that she be evaluated musically, she came up with over 95 people to vouch for her, while the orchestra could only find two schmucks who couldn't make it anyway. The end result of this evaluation was praise so glowing that it rivaled Chernobyl in the moonlight.
So how have things progressed since then? Well, for starters, the Munich Philharmonic stopped auditioning people behind screens to avoid making the terrible mistake of hiring a talented woman. Their sister orchestra in Vienna only started allowing women as full members in 1997, after which point they hired ... four women. In the U.S., things are comparatively better: about 35 percent of the orchestra is female. Still, women have a 7.5 percent better chance of being hired if they audition behind a screen so that the hiring committee isn't crushed by the power of breasts.
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"I can't even wave my baton without hitting an ovary around here."
Even within the orchestra, things aren't quite equal. Women are disproportionately underrepresented in the brass and percussion sections. One explanation is that violins are less heavy, which attracts the frail weak women who can't possibly lift a 3.5 pound trumpet. Women conductors are even more rare than women trumpet players: As of 2009, fewer than 12 percent of all conductors were female.
We're going out on a limb here and say that the imbalance isn't due to the weight of the baton.
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It's most likely due to breasts destabilizing their centre of gravity.
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Replyas a french horn player I spent 90 percent of my life in orchestra playing the same damn note over and over again. The two best pieces of my life were a musicals medley where I got to play the main theme part of phantom of the opera (and believe me there are few things more f*****g epic to play than that as a french horn player) and... ABBA. Serously ABBA arranged for orchestra is actually really interesting to play if you're a brass player for some bizarre reason.
ReplyI still spent most of my time wanting to punch the violinists and flautists in the face for getting all the interestng parts.
Also you if you play brass you should get used to trying to play with lips that ar a)buzzing and b)go totally numb after a while
On top of all of this stuff, it's also a very emotionally draining thing. Good musicians put their heart into what they play and that's probably why we have the reputation of being "emotionally unstable."
ReplyI'm not going to lie here.... I cry A LOT when I perform well, especially during marching band. Eight minutes of straight-up emotion with only a piece of silver and some noise to express it by? Talk about intense... All bands aren't like this (that's how you get good yet boring performances) but my high school is.
Oh god that picture with the cello and the Canon in D line . . . you have no clue how much any sane cellist HATES that song.
ReplyAnd it follows us all EVERYWHERE.
I am a violinist and I hate that song. It's overplayed even more than Eine Kliene Nachtmusik, and at least that is moderately interesting to play.
Orchestras are hell to just audition for. It's always a constant f*****g battle
ReplyHate to say it, but most orchestral works feature a soloist for only brief moments in the composition. Take a look at a famous score like Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." Everyone gets their "black dots." I promise.
ReplyYeah, I don't think that's really an issue musicians care about...I'm not a principle player and I still enjoy playing (then again I am a first violinist, so perhaps it's worse for say the cellists).
Using one trombonist as an example for sexism doesn't really fly so well. Having played in a few symphonies myself as a leader of the trombone section, I've noticed many women playing principal roles. The thing is that symphonies prefer men in the brass section because they have a tendency to have bigger lungs. This doesn't discount the fact that you need women to play the more graceful parts.
ReplyIf you read the article about this woman, she was actually examined by a doctor and a trombone specialist who found her to have sufficient lung capacity and excellent breath support, far above average and definitely enough to meet the needs of her orchestra.
"they have a tendency to have bigger lungs. This doesn't discount the fact that you need women to play the more graceful parts."
And if you'd actually paid attention you'd know this has been scientifically proven to be sexist hogwash.
As the son of two musicians, I can vouch for a lot of this. My dad made a decent living as a music professor during the week and church organist on the weekends, but we were far from rich. My mom played part time for the local symphony, which was dissolved earlier this year due to budget problems.
ReplyAnother thing not mentioned here is the long hours that music students put in during college. You might belong to multiple musical groups, each one requiring hours of practice every week just to earn a couple of credits. The best advice I've heard is if you MUST major in music, major in music education, rather than performance so that you can at least get a half decent teaching job out of school.
Good thing I play in a Mariachi band then. Also, I'm going to take a wild guess and say the article writer is a Trumpet player, due to the disproportionate number of Trumpet references.
ReplyIt's not just orchestras that are sexist. When I played alto sax in high school, I auditioned for district jazz band by cassette tape (as required). I made my tape in my teacher's studio (he was the woodwind professor at the local college), as did one of his male students, who was the same grade and skill level. However, when the tapes were judged, our names were used as identifiers instead of the numbers that were used in live auditions.
ReplyAnyway, the guy made it and I didn't. When my teacher played the two tapes for his wife (also a music professor at the college) and asked her which tape was the male and which was the female player, she thought my tape was the male player as well as the superior performance. He did the same test on a male colleague and got the same results. I was pissed, but sadly not surprised.
Thank you so much for the Canon in D reference. I hate that f*****g song. Played at every f*****g wedding. I refused to learn to play it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesMy wife is a bassoonist and can't stand the Canon in D either. In fact, I can't think of a single musician who likes it (and I grew up around musicians).
@Chana: Nah, you didn't refuse, you just weren't good enough.
TIL that Canon in D is the Comic Sans of musicians.
Played every goddamn year for high school Baccalaureate . . . Every. Fucking. Year.
not for nothing, but a six figure salary is good anywhere, even in New York. sure it's not penthouse living, but its way above average here.
ReplyTru dat. Who do I have to blow to get six figures?
This article brings up good points and ideas, but most of these are problems that can be encountered in a lot of areas in society. Sexism is everywhere, not just inside orchestras or symphonies. There are plenty of jobs that are shittier and pay less than being a musician in an orchestra, and I, for one, can honestly say that I don't do drugs to perform better music. I'm sure a large portion of other musicians can say the same. The problems you pointed out are but a small percentage of people and places out there, and it's rash to write this article when these problems are so far and few. It's like me writing about the dangers of football and health risks just because the occasional player dies or collapses from heartattack.
ReplyIf anything, I have to feel really bad for string players. Being a musician myself, I understand what it is like to love playing music so much that you would join something like an orchestra from which you have no hope of earning a decent living from.
You sir fail. "It's like me writing about the dangers of football and health risks" let me stop there. Football is a horrible sport if we're talking about health risks. In fact, there have been articles (one here on Cracked I think) about HOW dangerous it is. Head trauma/concussions being the worst part, but there're other injuries too. So your whole point (which is very weak anyway because you only take 2/5 of the things in this article and then sort of casually mention how they sort of might not apply to orchestras/just orchestras) in that respect makes no sense. You're welcome.
@ JamesRingel
Calm down and take some vicotin.
I take offense to the stereo-type that you have to be old to enjoy Classical music.
ReplyThe REAL dark side that is quietly ignored: the gross prevalence of mental and social disorders that run rampant in the orchestral world (sociopathy, psychopathy, obsessive compulsive disorder, manic depression, etc).
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesMany have chosen this career path because they can live and work quietly amongst fellow sociopaths and socially dysfunctional peers. Many never developed emotionally past childhood. They chose a career and workplace that will allow them to continue to behave childlike or emotionally disturbed, so long as their public performance is not obviously affected. Misfits who are unsuccessful or fearful of being a part of the larger community outside their orchestra.
(This is not to say ALL, simply many)
You're an asshole.
You have a twisted view of people who play music. It is not at all fair to assume that this is the world of orchestral music. It takes a lot of hard work and passion to do what musicians do. I play music myself, but I would never want to join the orchestral world because of low pay, and because of people like you who are unable to appreciate what we do and call us sociopaths or socially dysfunctional.
Actually, DuhMinnows sounds, to me, like they are speaking from experience. Having been in both orchestras and choirs, I totally agree.
Sorry but what are you basing this on? You can apply what you've just said to literally any workplace. I've studied music in a conservatory and played professionally and I can tell you that, while there are a few people that are just plain unpleasant, the vast majority have been absolutely lovely. Friendly, welcoming and of course excellent for when it comes to partying.
@BobNickMad: That's just the sort of thing an emotionally undeveloped socially disfunctional sociopath would say. Double a*****e on you.
I don't believe calling people who have dedicated hours, days, YEARS of their childhood and adult life devoted to creating and recreating a form of art should be labelled any of the above (where have you got your facts from exactly?). Due to the nature of being alone in a room working on the same damn bars over and over again - yes it can become lonely but i think you'll find a lot of orchestral players not only teach within music services/organizations but a lot of them belong to education projects that are run by the orchestras themselves. Most, if not all orchestras have an education department of some sort.
There are the same amount of unpleasant people in an orchestra as there are in every office and as many psychopaths. It's a working office too, they just sit differently and have better acoustics! And yes- most of them go to the pub after work on a friday too.
"They chose a career and workplace that will allow them to continue to behave childlike or emotionally disturbed, so long as their public performance is not obviously affected" - emotionally disturbed?! are you joking?! Maybe this is how you feel because you're bitter that you don't feel the same passion where you work?
Being a musician is living a life of self criticism EVERY DAY and obviously can take it's toll on some players. Being in an orchestra is our community - and it is there to perform for the "larger community" as you call it. You are essentially separating the "orchestral community" to the rest of it's country/area.... that's like you saying Roman Catholics go to a Roman Catholic church because they don't want anything to do with anyone else?!
You could do with dedicating the same time and effort musicians put into their creativity -into your commenting on something you evidently have no idea about - you may get somewhere in life (other than being extremely opinionated of course- if this is your aim in life, you're doing a grand job).
@TeabagSmith: I love you.
Odd thing for them to discriminate against women in the wind sections; most peal divers are women due to their (on average) proportionally increased lung capacity that would also help with wind instruments.
ReplyYou know why they have increased lung capacity? Deepthroating. 'Nuff said.
Nah, it's because Japanese men like to look at tits.
Fun fact: The word Orchestra is actually derived from the greek "Orc-Hestia" as one of the first known symphonies created for so many musicians was an epic tale of a battle between Orcs and the Grecian Goddess Hestia. The last remaining copies of the sheet music were sadly destroyed when the Great library of Alexandria burnt down.
ReplyRob Pavarian. Check it out on the yootoobs.
ReplyTacet is Latin, not Italian, but aside from that, I thought this was a cracking article.
Replydepressing is more like it.
its the same word in italian, and in music, directions are given in Italian, other than that it was a cracking comment
"Tacet" doesn't mean anything in italian.
Reply