#2. $25,000 Hot Chocolate
It has to be the all-time simplest pleasure of childhood: hot cocoa on a freezing winter day.
And we do mean simple -- you take a mug of hot water, add a 20-cent packet of hot chocolate mix, heat it up and enjoy. If you are feeling fancy, you can add milk, or buy a packet with mini marshmallows, or pay $5 for the same thing at Starbucks, but that's generally as complicated as hot chocolate gets.
"Mom won't let me back inside for another four hours. But I don't care right now, because this is goddamn delicious."
But damn it, your children are going to have the best. When they come in from the cold, they're going to have the hot chocolate equivalent of an Escalade with spinning rims encrusted with African conflict diamonds. They're getting the $25,000 mug of hot chocolate at the same restaurant that featured the $69 hot dog: Serendipity 3.
BE HUMBLED IN ITS PRESENCE:
The frozen hot chocolate (sorry -- "Frrrozen Haute Chocolate") contains 28 different cocoas from around the world and truffles from France. Also, it includes five grams of Swiss gold mixed in with the rest of the ingredients.
The goblet it's served in is crowned with gold (and diamonds), and then you're given a golden spoon to eat it with, which we assume you get to keep. And as if all that isn't enough decadence, at the bottom of the dish is an 18-carat gold and diamond bracelet, not for eating, but for wearing.
Nevertheless, if you ever actually eat the rest of this dessert, you'll put more precious gold in your mouth than any human ever has.
Except Flava Flav.
#1. The $800 Beer
Beer runs are the third most common reason to go to a convenience store, right behind needing to take a piss and committing armed robbery. And while everybody knows there are the occasional microbrews that cost as much as a six pack for every drink, beer is still considered the working man's beverage of choice.
Damn it, there should be some way to make even our middle class neighbors jealous when drinking the stuff, right?
You Blue Moon-swilling chucklefucks will get yours. Oh, yes.
Enter Antarctic Nail Ale, a beer sold for a whopping $800 bucks a bottle. Why is it so pricey? Well, along with being from one of the aforementioned microbreweries, the 30 bottles produced were all made from actual Antarctic ice, as in the stuff that's melting at an alarming rate. Making a beer out of Antarctic ice is like making straws out of triceratop horns -- it's no wonder it's so expensive.
*Contains no more than 2 percent mammoth guts.
Another reason these guys are charging $800 per bottle is that they say the money is going to a good cause. And by "good cause" we mean the Shepherd's Conservation Society, also known as "eco-terrorists." These guys, who are apparently ALL ABOUT animals, brought back some chunks of Antarctic ice after their last whale-saving expedition. Why ice? Because fuck penguins, that's why. So for $800 you can get a nice little buzz, claim to have consumed an ecological equivalent to the dodo bird and donate money to a group that has been known to throw goddamn acid at whaling ships.
"I find the best way to protect the sea is rampant douchebaggery."
If you're uncomfortable with supporting eco-terrorism, you could go for a slightly cheaper beer: a $765 bottle of The End of History. When it comes to this particular beer, there are two things you need to know. One, at 110 proof, this beer is more alcohol than water. And two, it's packaged inside a dead animal.
You thought we were joking, didn't you?
For more rich people shit, check out 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick and 5 Awesome Vehicles for the Extremely Wealthy (And Insane).