6 Companies That Are Clearly Catering to Supervillains
Becoming a full-fledged supervillain is not something that happens overnight. It takes years or even decades of meticulous planning, resource accumulation and controlled scheming.
Or, you know, just a large expense account and a grocery list. After all, thanks to the magic of the free market ...
#6. There Are Companies That Sell Sexy Female Bodyguards
Obviously if you're going to get into the supervillain game, you need a team of highly trained bodyguards/ninjas around you at all times. They'll provide the last line of defense at the climactic fight scene, after all. The problem with real bodyguards, however, is that they tend to look like this:
Getty
"Hilarious one-liners are extra."
And you'd be looking at that mug all. The damn. Day. That's not how you roll -- you need something more sophisticated. You need an entourage of (preferably sexy) women who'll spin-kick the first tuxedo-wearing spy who comes along. You need look no further than the Athena Academy.
They specialize in providing top-of-the-line protection from highly trained female bodyguards, with offices in the U.S. and Greece providing female "close protection operatives." If you are already surrounded by women and want to train them up to be bodyguards, Athena will happily do the training.
Athena Academy
They'll even teach you how to avoid breaking your neck on a stool.
And business is booming -- in certain social circles, like the Russian money crowd and the Third World despot clique, you're nobody if you don't have a Kill Bill-esque team of karate women around you at all times. For instance, a certain Muammar Gaddafi had been known to travel with an entourage of female bodyguards before his current, um, difficulties. Hell, even the British monarchy employs them.
Getty
He may be a butcher, but the man has excellent taste in berets.
#5. There Is an Open Market for Doomsday Weapons
A craftsman is only as good as his tools, and taking over the world requires some top-of-the-line death machines. But it's not like you can just pick up world-conquering gadgetry at some public market.
Getty
"Aisle 5, next to the napalm."
Oh, wait. You totally can. You just need a ticket to the Eurosatory convention in Paris, where the real Tony Starks of the world unveil their newest means of "keeping the peace."
Private military and defense contractors from all over the world converge every two years at the convention for networking, panel discussions and product demonstrations. Yes, it's exactly what you're picturing.
Eurosatory 2012
"No, it's cool. That guy I shot was just a journalist."
And, yes, you can totally get in on the action. Just fill out the pre-registration form and wait for your admission pass. While technically this is an invitation-only event, "invitation only" is a flexible term and invitations can be and have been scored by just random guys.
European Security and Defense
"Hey, Scott, it's like one of those things from Terminator!"
Can you hop into one of their futuristic Halo-type armored buggies and take it for a spin in the parking lot? How do you know if you don't ask?
Defense Talk
And, more importantly, don't you owe it to yourself to try?
Can you pick up machine guns and point them around and make shooting sounds with your mouth? Hell, why would this even exist if not?
Defense Talk
"Guys, check it out! I'm committing a war crime."
Honey, go get us a cart!
#4. You Can Order Custom Underground Command Centers
When beginning your supervillain career, the first must-have item is not a suitably evil alias, nor a white cat to stroke, nor even your very own doomsday device. Without a proper supervillain lair, those things will make you little more than just a particularly confused crazy cat lady. That's a problem -- very few supervillains are architects themselves, and it's kind of difficult to hire one that won't call 911 when you include phrases like "James Bond-proof" in your specifications. If only there was someone out there capable of handling such a project without asking all those pesky questions ...
Hardened Structures
"Oh yeah, that giant armored tower in a subdivision isn't at all unsettling."
Which brings us to Hardened Structures, a construction company consisting of not only engineers and physicists, but also goddamn future-scanning analysts and ex-Navy SEALs. Their whole modus operandi seems to be "We build suspicious stuff for money and never ever ask why." On the outside, their operation seems to be that of your average bomb shelter manufacturer -- until you start catching hints of something that goes beyond mere business. For instance, their website has a separate section for the upcoming 2012 apocalypse, complete with interpretations of Mayan prophecies and their very own 2012 product line.
And luckily for you, Hardened Structures totally deals with regular citizens as well as corporations and the government. Yes, they will build the shit out of your supervillain hideout. Naturally, it'll cost you -- their projects have run customers up to $90 million. The villain on a budget can begin with an entry level model called Genesis (yes, they even provide the lair with a suitably supervillainy name). Genesis is designed to accommodate a small family -- of henchmen, presumably -- and can be placed in almost any location, from the middle of the desert to your own damn cellar.
Hardened Structures
It's a perfect place to keep your secret family.
For extra safety, you can also opt to flat-out fortify your existing home with a ballistic "level 8" hardened exterior.
But that's not what you want, is it? You want something large enough to house a small army, with enough room for your weather machine and maybe even a shark pool for that inevitable final showdown with the hero. Well, how about the underground Genesis Dome, a series of interconnecting giant domes, living chambers and hallways that can be assembled into the exact configuration and size of your desire like LEGO blocks?
Hardened Structures
You could definitely live here for two, even three weeks before going completely insane.
Or maybe you want something more original, in the form of one of their "special projects," made after your exact, skull-shaped requirements, anywhere you desire?
No, wait -- now you know what you want: their special order, custom-made island fortress! They're not only totally self-sufficient and able to withstand most threats from missiles to tsunamis, but also can be built in, around and under already existing structures and natural formations, such as a gothic castle or that mountain conveniently shaped like your face.
You're a phone call away from your own vault.
Of course, for that you are going to need ...
The interview with the lawyer guy is an awesome read. I wish I could marry him myself.
ReplyWell shit, and army of 1000 men for the entire year would cost roughly 769 million
ReplyFor that price I'll hire 50 athena bodyguards and have them super Spetznaz trained so they're able to take out at least ten men a piece. It would all be pennies on the dollar!
DynCorp are actually bigger bastards than Blackwater
ReplyThey're into child slavery and prostitution, torture and a bunch of other ridiculously evil s**t
Most people will forgive the odd war crime here and there, execution of prisoners or whatever... only a rare few won't mark the line at hurting children
DynCorp is also really diverse. They're kind of like the Empire in Star Wars, in that not everyone that works for them is really evil. Some guys turn wrenches or wash airplanes and it pays pretty good so they keep doing it.
Cue Clerks discussion.
The guy who "has killed someone with a laser" is not Verges, but Roland Dumas, a former minister and lawyer himself. Not as revolting as Verges, but together they offered to defend former Ivory Coast president Laurent Gbagbo.
ReplyThank you for the shopping list, cracked! I'll hire sexy bodyguards, buy an island, build my secret lair there, hire enough mercs to blast the crap out of James Bond, use my on personal weapons to take down the world's nations, and finally keep Verges on speed dial just in case a superhero manages to cart me off to jail. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies...or I would, if I had $300 million. :(
Instead of spending the 30 plus million a year on 100 soldiers of fortune, I will hire an army of 95,000 homeless people. I'd sure be able to get a lot more done, too.
Actually, hiring homeless people would help the economy.
I guess you want your world to have a good economy when you've taken it over?
Hire the hot bodyguards, rig up the island/lair combo then start screwing with the smaller countries. You could be the next col9onial britain!
The maze-like building in the "Hardened Structures" banner reminds me of the maze from Takeshi's Castle.
ReplyHow is providing female bodyguards catering to supervillains? Some people might feel more comfortable being surrounded ALL THE TIME by people they don't really know if those people are women.
ReplyFor guys who "care about the truth", it is always amazing how you still refuse to acknowledge all the "evidence" against Gaddafi is either staged or forged. What? Is like we'll have to wait until The Man recognizes the bombing on civilians never happened? "Ups! Bad intelligence is bad, sorry ;P".
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI'm sorry but you must either be a fool or as mad as Gaddafi himself; even if you knew nothing of him till the recent problems in Libya a quick bit of research would show how crazy the man is. Look at: the Purification laws; his foreign policy; a little act of terrorism called the Lockerbie Bombing; his approach to anyone he sees as 'dissenters'... the list goes on and on. I could say that you cannot argue that all of this was 'either staged or forged', I suppose you could but you would be an ignorant moron if you did.
Obvious troll is obvious.
Staged or forged by whom? I'm not suggesting that oil wasn't the primary motive for international involvment in the Libyan civil war this year, where they stayed out of the other countries undergoing the Arab Spring uprisings, but if you think Gaddafi's some sort of misunderstood good guy, you're just as gullible as those who think the Iraq war had something to do with terrorism...
you must realize, jario, that if there's a sudden big pan-media blizt against a government approved target, then we all lap it and blindly repeat it like it's gospel. Our views and opinions are downvote sensitive. It's the new age of vapid opinion.
It doesn't matter if there's actual real evidence for whatever government approved bangwagon we're riding .. we don't really have a clue what "evidence" means - or care .. what we think/say/do has to be cool - who gives a s**t if it has no more substance than a football chant. Any variation from the authorized message will be met by emotional ranting and abuse.
The Cracked audience is really the nerdy safe conservative US kid. Lots of weapons and military wanking goes on here. A clear sign that you should expect that the general Cracked opinion echoes authorized opinion.
When USA (or their friends) bombs civilians it's called unavoidable casualties
When someone they hate does it, it's called a war crime
Good example:
- Milosevic's men kill ~40 possible combatants in Kosovo, he gets attacked by the combined UN and 'dies of a heart attack' before trial
- Bush's men kill 6500 civilians in Afghanistan, he gets a dunce cap and retires on a ranch with 50 million dollars in spending money
Dix, the US millitary goes out of it's way to prevent the harming of civilians.
They warn days in advance before bombing/invading a city so that any civies in the area can get out. Naturally this removes the element of surprise and allows the baddies to ready up, but it saves a crapload of innocents.
Also why spend 30,000 dollars on a smartbomb when you can simply carpet bomb the whole area for a hell-of-a lot cheaper? To avoid civilain casulaties. (now it is true that allot of the reason is to better destroy the people they are targeting, but most of the weapons development nowadays is specificatly to reduce casualties all around.)
Cracked ate up my comments ... :(
ReplyThe Beast is sated. We are safe.
For now...
So it's not just me.
It's not like their privacy policy says stuff like "We will only retain personal information as long as necessary for the fulfillment of those purposes."
ReplyYes, how terribly creepy. In a perfect world, of course, your estate agent would hold onto your personal details indefinitely and hand them out to anyone who asks nicely.
That's how I found out your real name isn't johnnye.
So exactly what percentage of Cracked comments are deleted immediately, because other than this one, every attempt I've made at a comment today has vanished.
ReplyThey aren't vanishing though, they seem to be disappearing and then appearing later.
After reading the interview with Verges, I'm almost convinced that he might actually BE Satan.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOr just a very competent defence lawyer.
I fail to see the difference ceknight78.
Most of the guys he defended weren't "evil", they just had a bad reputation because the people who hated them had a lot of stocks in media
ceknight78,
Anyone who says they would gladly defend Hitler if given the chance is clearly evil.
I feel an irresistable urge to point out that a lone lawyer is not the same thing as a company!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYou should fight that urge. It will only make you look like a tool.
Like any good supervillain, Jacques Vargas has dozens of clones of various ages in a hidden bunker eighty meters below the surface of his private island. So he's pretty much an institution.
I'd bet good money he operates as a corporation to protect his private assets, thus making him a company.
Legal firms ARE companies, though. And I'm sure that Verges owns one.
I love #4. "Well we're used to taking advantage of idiots then shooting them..But ive shot enough for one lifetime" "So lets pander to their bullshit and make them give us money for something that wouldnt survive one of our attacks." "...No one's quite THAT stuid."
Replyand a business was born.
But won't most of those islands sink into the sea with the rising sea levels?
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesnot if the world governments pay the ransom!
Not in Baltic sea they won't (quite as much as in the oceans, anyway). But who cares? You can just have the base built watertight and buy your own nuclear submarine!
which is why a good super villain has his nuclear sub at the ready so he can wage undersea warfare on james bond.
Not if you boil away the seas as your first act of supervillany...
Well, then you'll have an underwater villain lair. That's, like, the next step in villain lairs! Castle -> Volcano -> Island -> Underwater -> Moon.
Finally, something to do with all this money that has nothing to do with white cats or Nehru jackets. I feel so relieved... calling Athena Academy right away...
ReplyAh, yet another reason to stay in school.
ReplyHardened Structures: A Subsidiary of Vault-Tech.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou'd think underground would be the last place you would wanna be during an earthquake.
I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who thought of FallOut3 when I saw the Hardened Structures thing.
For a brighter future, underground. Vault-Tec Industries.
I wonder if somehow you could use all of the above to become the Batman. Now I just need to be a billionaire.
ReplyNaah, if you want to become an Adam West Batman, maybe millionaire will suffice.
v ... maybe with a time machine - a million bucks only buys a shiny car and some lattes these days.
Useless bullshit. What a waste of money. Behold the glory of private companies, you goddamn bastards! Pissing on money that should have been elsewhere, like, I don't know, in freaking AFRICA!!
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesWhich would instantly end up in the hands of the warring governments responsible for the destitute in Africa in the first place.
Thats why you need private armies. You can invade an African country that isn't cooperating with relief organizations and really do some good. But that would be an even bigger money sink because there is no profit in altruism.
''... because there is no profit in altruism.'' And who do we need to thank for that?? f*****g CAPITALISM!!! Which I utterly HAAAAATE!!!
There may be no profit in altruism, but that's generally why it's called altruism: you do it even though you don't stand to gain.
benkoj, no you don't hate capitalism. You don't at all.
Haha.
Yes comrade, let us all be communist together. We can all share equal portion of lack of wealth and live with poverty and in shack on street. You too can know the joys of waiting for hours at time in line for loaf of bread. We all will work in dangerous factory and live like the animal. But is no need to worry, because will be much of cheap vodka.
Communism oorah!
Edit: I don't mean to offend any Russian citizens, rather it's a throwback to the USSR.
This is why I'm glad 11 year olds cant vote.
I'm a card-carrying communist, and I am here to say that you, benkoj, are a total cock.
Goddamn, successful f*****g troll, right there. High five, bro!
Are you suggesting that there actually was a time when altruism was profitable or just that people should be rewarded financially for altruism?
You must be poor. Rest assured that once my army of fem-ninjas is fully geared in the latest death suits, the poor will not be nearly as uppity. They won't have time, due to the 16 hour days in my uranium mines.
I love how the amount of "thumbs up" and "thumbs down" really say it all..