The 7 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Campaigns
#3. Britain Convinces Germany That Carrots Give You Powers
Of course, boasting about military strength is what you do to prevent war. But once war has started, you want to do the opposite -- you want to hide your true capabilities from the enemy, so they can't counteract them. So, for instance, during World War II the British were in that position of being the proverbial guy who has to convince the other guys he has a small dick.
Wikipedia
"I need tweezers to masturbate."
During the Battle of Britain, the Germans started noticing that a crapload of their planes were getting shot down in instances where the British shouldn't have seen them coming. It was almost like they had some sort of radio device that could detect the presence of incoming objects -- actually, it was exactly that: Britain had perfected the radar and didn't tell anyone about it. Obviously the Brits couldn't let the Germans know they had access to this new technology, otherwise they could bomb the shit out of it or, even worse, try to create their own Nazi version. With the Germans getting increasingly suspicious, something needed to be done fast.
Britain's solution? Carrots.
carrotmuseum
Obviously!
British papers published a story about a RAF pilot called John "Cat Eyes" Cunningham who had shot down 20 enemy planes thanks to his superhuman night vision, an ability he achieved by eating lots of carrots. Other carrot-eating pilots followed, and soon the British government began publicizing the fact that carrots improve night vision -- which, of course, is complete bullshit. Carrots might help your vision not get worse, but they won't make it any better either. The pilots were winning the war thanks to radar technology, not by eating filthy plants.
carrotmuseum
Next - how bread crusts make your hair curly while actually it's just your terrible genes.
Still, the propaganda campaign worked so well that the British people began growing and eating their own carrots so that they could see better during the blackouts (running-into-walls related deaths went up 70 percent that year). The authorities knew they were lying, but it was all part of the ruse to fool the Germans. And as a result, some of you reading this had your mothers tell you to eat your carrots, because they were good for your eyes. All thanks to one bullshit propaganda campaign.
The Telegraph
"Don't worry, our housewives are way better at picking out BS than the Nazi High Command."
#2. Soviet Russia Was Not Afraid of a Little Ludicrous Exaggeration
The USSR's Stakhanovite Movement followed a pretty simple ideal: encouraging workers to over-achieve at their jobs out of love for the fatherland, by following the example of one great worker. The greatest Stakhanovites even received medals for "Soviet Valor" and were personally greeted by Stalin at the Kremlin.
Here's the thing, though: it was all bullshit.
Wikipedia
"Gotcha!"
The movement got its name from Aleksei Grigorievich Stakhanov, who in 1935 became a celebrity by breaking the highly specific record for amount of coal mined in 5 hours and 45 minutes with the winning total of... 102 tons.
If that sounds like a lot, you don't know that half of it. That's the equivalent of lifting the weight of three elephants per hour, or nine Honda Civics. One guy.
Getty
That's one elephant every 20 minutes, or the time taken for someone to Photoshop this.
Stakhanov's record exceeded the daily average for a normal, human minor by 1,400 percent, which meant he was clearly some sort of Russian Superman. Even the Americans were impressed by his coal-shoveling powers, as evidenced by the fact that he made the cover of Time Magazine.
Wikipedia
"Cover story: Absolutely Fucking Nothing Happened this Week. Also Unicorns."
Of course, this was all part of a propaganda campaign: the mine was actually giving Stakhanov credit for the work of the whole mine, not just himself. Basically, by agreeing to become the poster boy for a new state campaign he was fucking his co-workers over, since they now had to follow his impossible standards once Stakhanovism became a thing. Anyone who spoke up against the unfair conditions was labeled a betrayer.
Getty
"You're supposed to work around the bodies."
And then shit got really stupid: a few months later, another worker called Nikita Izotov shattered Stakhanov's record by hewing 240 tons in the same amount of time, which at this point is 10 or 15 times what the real record probably was. It's like a guy claiming to have scored 1,300 points in a basketball game. And other sources claim it was actually 607 tons, but it might as well have been 5,000, since it was a fake record anyway. Basically, whoever could think of the highest number won.
soviethistory
Nikita Izotov, having just mined eleventy billion tons.
Stakhanovism found its way to other industries like automobile, textile, timber, railroad, agriculture and even shoe-making. Since the whole thing was Stalin's baby, though, as soon as the guy died all of it was officially declared bullshit.
#1. North Korea Declares War On Long Hair
Oh, North Korea. No list about crazy propaganda would be complete without you. So what did they do this time? Well, see for yourself:
In case you couldn't tell what was going on in that video (which would speak well of your mental health), that's North Korea's hit TV show Let's Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle (an actual thing), part of an ambitious propaganda campaign exclusively devoted to fighting the evils of long hair while informing people of the acceptable hairstyles. Here are two examples of state-sanctioned hairdos, as shown on Korean TV:
atui88
"These men are pictured from the neck up. Because they're chest deep in bitches."
According to the campaign, not only does long hair embody capitalism, it also decreases intelligence by robbing the brain of essential nutrients. Presumably they're not encouraging Koreans to completely shave their heads because a race of super-intelligent beings would be a lot harder to oppress. Men must keep a hair length between 1cm and 5cm, and must have it cut every 15 days. If they don't, they run the risk of being named and ridiculed on national TV.
You see, the campaign actually spanned several shows, one of which involved a fun reality TV aspect: hidden cameras would catch unsuspecting people whose hair did not fit the state's specifications, giving out their names and addresses as punishment. A North Korean equivalent of Ashton Kutcher would then come out and harshly confront them and demand explanations with a stern, disappointed expression. A lot of people would escape as soon as they saw him, possibly crying in fear.
atui88
"... and bitchin' sunglasses."
The campaign did allow men over 50 to have hair longer than 7cm so that they can hide their baldness (they are not monsters) while offering no justification whatsoever for Kim Jong Il's shameful past.
Top News
To be fair he didn't find out he wasn't a woman until he turned 41.
Catch more of Danny Vittore on his Twitter, Blog or just plain badger him at dannyvittore@gmail.com
For more terrible pieces of propaganda, check out 6 Acts of Propaganda That Backfired Hilariously and The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters.
So 50 Cent Party isn't about spreading the word of rapper 50 Cent? Too bad.
ReplyThe story about Aleksei Stakhanov reminds me of Dwarf Fortress for some reason, especially the "You're supposed to work around the bodies" part.
ReplyCouldn't they find a better source for the Stahknovite debunking than a crazy guy who calls his blog "view from the bunker"? I'd believe the story was true before I'd believe someone who calls himself that.
ReplyIsn't judging people by their name so nice
The Chinese J-10 is just a lousy copy of the F-117A Nighthawk, which is so outdated already!
ReplyWrong...
@ArtisLeeroy The Chinese managed to get hold of a crashed F-117A from the Yugoslavians at the end of the Yugoslav Civil War, and then reverse-engineered the s**t out of it in Beijing.
Operation Christmas FARC was a success, 331 guerrillas were demobilized and left the guns, now they celebrate Christmas with their families. In the process, the operation coordinator Juan Manuel Valdez died in combat, this campaign achieved a 30% increase in the demobilization of guerrillas, I think it is not serious to make fun of something as delicate for my country because it was a successful, you should edit the article, respecting the situation in Colombia, today this is a much safer country, but apparently when you want to end a conflict peacefully many people scoff.
Replyjust because it worked doesn't mean it wasn't ridiculous.
"Fatherland" is a German term whereas the Russians assigned a female gender to their country and call Mother Russia the "Motherland".
ReplyActually, the Germans had invented the radar and the British only improved slightly on the design. So there is no question of the Germans finding out about the radar.
ReplyIt was specifically *airborne* radar that the British were trying to keep secret. Both sides had land and sea-based radar, but the British were the first to successfully use it in aircraft.
and they was the first to use it military in bigger scale.
The main aim of the "Captain Carrot" meme was to get the British to eat what was available. She, before the war most of the tastiest foods in Britain were imported by ship. With submarines blocking shipping, meat, fruit, and such were in short supply. Carrots and potatoes could easily grown in Britain. (There was a Potato Pete meme as well). And given the food shortages, many people probably did have vitamin deficiencies. If the Germans were fooled as well, that was just gravy. Well, not gravy, but some other healthy extra benefit. To this day, the Britsh have a Minister of offul, whose job is to encourage the consumption of liver, kidneys, pigs heads, and other "variety meats'.
Reply"..Since the whole thing was Stalin's baby, though, as soon as the guy died all of it was officially declared bullshit."
ReplyBut ... the Chinese perfected the art by creating Lei Feng.
And Chun-Li.
Cracked should have a neat little corner tucked away dedicated to everything North Korea related. They are, despite being genuinely terrifying, a source for endless comedy.
ReplyAhhhh! Damn you England! So many carrots I had to eat because of you. so many carrots
ReplyI won't complain about eating carrot, it's quite tasty when properly cooked. However, my mother force me to drink carrot juice every morning after I have to wear glasses. Ewgh!
I get it now. North Korea is actually the "Orwelland" amusement park, funded by our overlords to show us what would happen if communism wins. Isn't that more sane than the truth?
Reply"Let's Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle" is now my catchphrase.
ReplyI find nothing hilarious about #7. That s**t is scary.
ReplyIt's even scarier to think about how much of it is going on in America, too. Good thing we can forget our troubles with an ice cold Bud Light. Go America!
There should be nothing scary about our great nation embracing the Internet community. All we want is for you capitalist pigs to recognise that us glorious Chinese can use the Internet to spread our message of goodwill and prosperity as well. Also, handbags. Prada Gucci Vinci LV you can appreciate.
Operation Puppy? Moar like Operation Israel amirite?
ReplyYou said a funny thing that I agree with. Also, America is a nation of pigdogs who sex their automobiles with great vigor.
So they PAY YOU to troll in China!?
ReplyI wonder if they have a "Communism is awesome" meme.
If they paid 50c american for posts I'd probably sign up...
This reminds me of the Floating Chinese Government Officials meme. Funny stuff.
ReplyInterestingly enough, I always thought Top Gun was a hilarious propaganda movie, and probably unintentional.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI'm not surprised about this at all. My brother in law, a PRC Chinese nationalist who's in the position to know these things, tells me that all of it is lies.
He said, his country, China, never, ever, ever put a single human in space. The capsule has a fatal flaw Chinese engineers cannot overcome or fix, so all three launches were fabrications. Using transmissions concealed in telemetry relays, simulated 'real-time' voice and video.
The so-called stealth fighter cannot even propel itself, let alone fly. The whole world outside of China has only seen a model mockup; apparently the guys in China cannot design airplanes.
The anti-ship missile that made the news a while back is a complete fabrication, he said no such missile exists in China, its just a hoax to deceive the West. All Chinese-made missiles explode on launch, becase we all know everything ever made in China is crap that breaks instantaneously.
The 'aircraft carrier' that's causing a stir, well, he said it is so poorly put together if you look at it the wrong way it's gonna sink. And the other's they are building, he tells me the plans have so many design flaws, the Ford Pinto looks like a work of perfection.
Basically, he confirms what everyone in America knows, the Chinese military is total hype, and if America ever went to war, we would easily conquer the entire country effortlessly within a couple of days and only take a few casualties, while China would lose hundreds of millions of men.
This is... I'm not sure what to make of this.
This is an ironic example of propaganda, right? He can't possibly believe this.
He's a loyal patriot, why should he say this about his own country unless it was 100% true? His family is in high governmental positions who would order these things.
Also he is an acquaintance of a rich Nigerian prince !!
That's just what they want us to think!
What? I'm serious.
"a PRC Chinese nationalist who's in the position to know these things, tells me that all of it is lies."
This is confusing. How would a nationalist in the PRC know about sensitive weapons technology? This would be hard to find out from prison.
PRC = Communist ; ROC = Nationalist ; ROC aka Taiwan
Great article! But as long as you were talking about North Korean propaganda, you should have mentioned the prophecy their government made up regarding the birth of Kim Jong Il. According to his official biography, his coming was foretold by a swallow (always the most trustworthy of small insectivorous birds) and that a "double rainbow" appeared over his birthplace at Baekdu mountain. Seriously North Korea...if the whole brutal dictatorship thing doesn't work out, you could get a steady job writing a reboot of Monty Python's Flying Circus. I'd watch it.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI'm fairly certain that was covered in an older Cracked article...they never repeat list entries.
Wait, did this double rainbow go all the way across the sky? That's it, I'm moving to North Korea.
Isn't that the one saying he literally walked out of his mother's vagina, or something?
Walked out? Like, he was standing up? Poor Miss Kim...
Why? He's only 2 inch tall by then.
"We'll swoop in, destroy things and then act innocent. Were calling it Operation Puppy."
ReplyOMG that was effing hilarious. Best line of the article! Now I really want there to be an "Operation Puppy"!!! Damn you Cracked for putting ideas into my head!