10 Deleted Scenes That Would've Ruined The Film
#5. Blade -- Deacon Frost on the Blob
Blade was a dark and violent comic book movie before dark and violent comic book movies were "in." Indeed, it could be argued that Blade kick-started the Marvel movie juggernaut that's stronger than ever today. In the actual ending, Blade rampages, beats the shit out of a ton of shitty vampire dudes and has a lengthy sword-and-fist fight with Deacon Frost. The fight concludes when Blade loads Frost up with several syringes full of some kind of vampire poison. The final syringe, in fact, is kicked by Blade right into Frosts' fucking head. Then Frost explodes.
It's awesome.
The Deleted Scene:
In the deleted ending, Frost turns into a blood tornado with a face and spins around in circles until Blade simply waits for him to accidentally absorb the vampire poison.
At first it looks like Frost has burped out some thick cranberry juice, but soon the blood consumes him, pouring out of his mouth and filling up his pants in one huge clotted mess.
The vampire blood god looks like the worst half of a PB&J.
Instead of kung-fuing the vials of blue vampire poison into Frost's body, Blade waits patiently while Frost turns into a blood tornado with a face.
Above: Not what Bram Stoker had in mind.
Blade tries to whisper some witty one-liner about the poison, but Frost can't hear him, because he's already turned into a blood tornado with a face.
Also, in the Blade universe, vampire blood is the same color and consistency as cranapple juice.
Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:
Fucking blood tornado with a face, you guys!
No, but we actually do have more to say. Blade was released in 1998, the same year as Armageddon and Godzilla, but it had less than a third of their budgets, so the focus really wasn't on visual effects. The few effects seen in the film were used to good ... effect, but only because they were so brief.
Case in point.
Turning Frost into a blood tornado with a face at first sounds like a really stupid idea, but as you can see from the 1998 visuals, it's actually completely retarded.
Not unlike the year 1998.
Even back when Blade was released, this would have looked a bit ropey, and after two hours of ass-kicking vampire action, you don't want the audience's last impression to be of an angry twister made of the Kool-Aid guy's diarrhea.
#4. Donnie Darko -- Predict This
Donnie Darko was both praised and criticized for its nonlinear and fantastical narrative, but it was undeniably original. Whether you loved or hated Donnie Darko, you certainly couldn't argue that director Richard Kelly tried to dumb it down for the lowest common denominator.
It took us two years to realize that wasn't a hand doing the peace sign.
The Deleted Scene:
Not a whole lot happens in this scene. Donnie Darko is impaled at the end of his bed, quietly shaking as he waits for sweet death, or the end of the "Mad World" montage, whichever comes first.
"Hurry ... the fuck ... up."
Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:
One of the things people love about Donnie Darko is the weird, poetic, ambiguous way Donnie's death is handled. Sacrificing himself, staying in bed and getting crushed by a jet engine, would stop a series of events that would result in the love of his life getting killed. If he did it consciously, well that sure was sweet and noble of him. The way the room is shot in slow motion being consumed by the engine gives Donnie a mysterious and classy exit from the film, the kind of exit that would be appropriate for a self-sacrificing hero in love.
Nothing says "mysterious" and "classy" like "crushed by a jet engine."
But if Kelly had then cut to Donnie sitting there quivering like a stuck pig, that mystique would have been entirely shattered. No more poetry, no more class, just Donnie, twitching like a lunatic for 1o seconds.
#3. Hancock -- Blast off. With My Dong.
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Hancock was a sort-of-alright movie with a charming cast. It's about a superhero who is also kind of an asshole (Will Smith), his new nonsuper friend (Jason Bateman) and his friend's smoking-hot wife (Charlize Theron), who (spoiler) is also a superhero.
The Deleted Scene:
So Hancock is in a bar and a random chick walks in and clearly wants to put Hancock's dick in her hand. She's been looking for him everywhere because she's way into the idea of nailing a superhero.
Even one who smells like a bottle of Jim Beam left out in the sun.
The woman stares at and aggressively hits on Hancock long enough that he finally agrees to be a gentleman and take her back to his trailer for some super-boning. Wasting no time, she pounces on Hancock and tries to slap his ass with a package of Jiffy Pop the second she enters his trailer.
"Do you want some popcorn on your ass? You -- oh, you don't? Oh ... I guess that's just me, then."
Before they get started, Hancock, deep concern in his voice, tries to warn her that when he reaches the so-called "mountaintop," she should be as far away as possible. But because she's as dumb as she is horny, the message doesn't look to be received, as she seems to assume everything Hancock says is a sexual euphemism she just hasn't learned yet.
"Oh, yeah, I'll be far away. I'll be far away all over your testicles ... right?"
Refusing to hear any more warnings, the woman jumps on Hancock and they start pounding away, shaking the trailer wildly.
If this trailer's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin' unless you fancy death by supersonic sperm.
Just when Hancock is about to reach climax, he shouts "mountaintop" and unceremoniously throws the woman across the room onto a couch.
Then this happens.
In case it's not obvious, those are holes in the roof of Hancock's trailer. Hancock puts three sizeable holes in the roof of his trailer as he blows his load into orbit. His semen shot through the ceiling and into space.
The woman, understandably in shock, heads to the bathroom. While in there, Hancock stands outside the door and gets all sweet and emotional, thanking her for being understanding and offering to take her on a romantic super-flight.
But she's too freaked out, and there's nothing Hancock can do. She sneaks out a window and drives away.
Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:
On one hand, we respect that the filmmakers decided to show this. After all, if everything about Hancock is super-powered, it stands to reason that his semen would be, too. It's a nice deconstruction of the all-powerful heroes like Superman that we rarely think about.
On the other hand, he blasted holes in the ceiling of his trailer with his sperm. And, hey, Charlize Theron's character is just as much of a superhero as he is. If this scene had been included, it would mean Charlize had the lady equivalent of super-powered genitals, which would mean her very grounded, down-to-earth husband, Jason Bateman, was either totally unaware of it, or totally cool with it, and neither would make sense.
"It's terrifying -- one Kegel and my dick would be gone."
#2. Terminator 2: Judgment Day -- Wait a Minute ... But He Can't ... 'Cos That Hasn't ... What?
When making a movie featuring time travel, there are many things you have to keep track of if your film is going to make sense. Luckily, Terminator 2: Judgment Day largely managed to avoid screwing with the timeline, and only the most savagely nerdy will try to nitpick their way through the story to find some seam that doesn't quite fit with the rest of the timeline. The inclusion of this scene, however, would have seen James Cameron shit all over everything we'd just spent that last two hours enjoying.
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Titanic hadn't come out yet, and he couldn't afford to pull nearly as much shit.
The Deleted Scene:
After we watch Arnold melt himself, we immediately cut to the MEGA HAPPY ENDING. We fast forward to the new future, where the war was averted and everything's just great.
Apparently at some point the world's great architects sat down and pondered, "How can we make D.C. even uglier?"
Aside perhaps from Linda Hamilton's narrative skills. Those aren't so great. She is now in her 60s and sitting in a park, and says "August 29, 1997 came and went. Nothing much happened. Michael Jackson turned 40."
Hear that? It's the sound of millions of '90s-era boners suddenly shriveling up and dying.
Connor's narration goes on, saying that Judgment Day didn't come, and she wanted to yell at everybody that every day was a gift and they should use it well. Instead of yelling, however, Connor blearily tells us that she got drunk instead. What better way to value your precious moments in a peaceful world that you were fundamental in bringing about than by getting shitfaced because you're too lazy to yell?
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"Every day is a gift you ungrateful bastaURRRRRGH."
She goes on about a dark future still existing for her all while someone rolls past on a distinctly unfuturistic-looking skateboard and two others play the most baffling game of Frisbee ever.
Shitty retro-futuristic props, or foreshadowing for Terminator 5: Rise of the Disks?
She then says her son John now fights "on the battlefield of the Senate, his weapons are common sense and hope," before merrily tying her granddaughter's shoelaces and watching her play in the park.
Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:
Wait wait wait. Hang on a minute. How the hell can John Connor even exist if the war has never been fought? If the future is so rosy, surely there is no need for Kyle Reese to go back in time to bone Sarah Connor and produce John, let alone a granddaughter. What in the name of Sam Fuck is going on?
And why does John Connor look like he belongs in a goddamn Enzyte ad?
The reason the actual ending worked so well was because it was just as bleak and uncertain as the rest of the movie had been. To go from a dark and grim story featuring a badass Sarah Connor to a sunlit park with Frisbees and a contented (if possibly drunk) old crone with a Senator for a son would have ruined everything. Obviously, like this ending should have never gone beyond the script stage, let alone the "Let's put Linda Hamilton through six hours of makeup and spend a whole bunch of money inventing the perfect future" stage.
A horrifying future where orange denim dungarees are back in fashion.
#1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith -- Might I Suggest Fondling My Mustache?
It feels a little cruel to criticize this bewilderingly Certified Fresh final installment of the Star Wars franchise when it's been done so many times before. But fuck it.
The Deleted Scene:
Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with Darth Grievous, who is holding a Jedi friend of theirs whom we've never met and don't care about. He then says "Stinking Jedi" and murders her.
It's awful and pointless. We don't know who this Jedi is and we have no reason to care about her, but that's OK, because Obi Wan and Anakin don't seem to care, either. They're more into the idea of finishing each other's sentences like two galaxy-crossed lovers.
This happened. George Lucas wrote it and everything.
As stupid as it is for them to finish each other's sentences for absolutely no reason, it gets worse when Lucas decides to let the audience know that the Jedi have a series of secret codes. Anakin and Obi Wan are surrounded by fucking droids or whatever and, to hide their plans, they communicate via a series of eyebrow rubs, nose twitches and mustache twirls, the way a baseball coach gives signals to his pitcher, except this is supposed to be a goddamned Star Wars movie. So, Anakin does this ...
And Obi Wan says, "No, no, no, no ... might I recommend ..."
"Mustache twirl, perhaps?"
And he twirls his mustache, which Anakin shoots down, explaining that there are "Far too many [fucking droids or whatever] for that." Then Anakin proposes that they ...
"But have you considered eyebrow rub?"
Obi Wan agrees. Apparently, "chin rub + eyebrow rub + eyebrow rub" translates to "Let's use our lightsabers to cut a perfect circle in the floor below ourselves," because that's exactly what they do.
Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:
Let's ignore the fact that, even though Jedi are Wizard Knights with actual magic, they developed a secret language of face-touch codes. And let's ignore the fact that one of the codes is "mustache twirl," even though Anakin's lack of mustache precludes him from ever suggesting it. (Seriously, even if he thinks the mustache twirl would be the absolutely perfect maneuver in battle, he'd never be able to communicate it.)
Wookiepedia
How is Yarael Poof to signal danger without a nose?
And let's ignore the fact that, of all of the crunch-time scenarios that Jedi think might come in handy just for "whatever," one of them is "Cut a hole in the floor with our lightsabers and drop down, hoping that our new tunnel doesn't lead to certain death."
Except let's not at all ignore any of that, because it's all fucking terrible. More than anything else, this scene is remarkable because even George Lucas thought it was too stupid to be in one of the Star Wars prequels. Do you have any idea how stupid a concept needs to be for George Lucas to say, "Ehhh, we should probably cut that"?
Precisely this stupid.
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For scenes that we actually needed, check out 7 Famous Movie Flaws That Were Explained in Deleted Scenes. Or check out some scenes we're glad never got filmed in 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see the deleted scene that explains Bucholz' existence.
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So, wait, Master... You want me to steal third?
ReplyI don't think baseball signals make episode III any worse than the rest of the movie does.
ReplyAfter Jar Jar Binks can anything really be that stupid.
She would've been wrong. On August 29, 1997, Michael Jackson turned 39, not 40.
Reply"Darth Grievous"? You have lost all credibility pertaining to Star Wars. Entry #1 is rendered invalid.
ReplyEntry #1's sheer ridiculousness makes it incapable of EVER being rendered invalid. Whatever the reason.
I feel bad for saying this, but I've only ever seen one of these movies: Clerks, probably the least popular on here. And that ending would have ruined my life (and maybe Kevin Smith's)
ReplyI always thought that the Terminator was based on not a singular timeline but multiple timelines? If you go back and change something in the past it created a new branch rather than erasing over the old one. g*******t now my brain hurts.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"Timeline?! This is no time to argue about the timeline we haven't got the time! ...what was I saying?" - Troi in First Contact lol
It seems to change from movie to movie. Originally it's basically a time loop even though the characters insist that it isn't. Kyle and the Terminator going back creates Kyle and the Terminator. It's almost debatable if it wasn't for the picture at the end. Kyle recognises Sarah from a photo that's taken right after the events of the movie so in the future Kyle came from Sarah had gone through the whole mess. How that came to be is a mystery.
It's tough pin down but Terminator 2 changes that out for an uncertain future. You can change things but the changes don't ripple backwards and break time. ie, if they stop Skynet from being created the Terminator won't vanish and time won't explode due to a paradox.
Terminator 3 sort of half-arses it's way back to the original rules. That was always how it was going to play out even though that doesn't make sense. In the latest Terminator movie as well as The Sarah Connor Chronicles they go back to a flexible future. The future is changed by the time travel events. In the future nothing is playing out as it's meant to and in the present they see signs that different time travelers are from alternate futures.
In short the whole damn thing is a mess.
You can have a thumbs up purely for referencing Troi.
That is something that is never really explained in the movies. The implication is a single time line but then you have to ask if John Connor was perhaps born some other way some first time that wasn't with Reese as the father and then Reese changed that particular bit of history when we went back. We never really got details to know that the John that Reese knew in the future was a year younger than the John he fathered or whatever.
Not all terminators look the same. We see a different version in the dream sequence in T1 (Played by Arnies best friend and weight lifting buddy) How stupid would it be to make them all look the same?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually all T-800s look like Arnold Schwartzenegger. Except that one that had the body of Roland Kickinger, because Arnie was too old at the time.
Originally he said "They were infiltration units..the early models had rubber skin, they were easy to spot.." then they came out with the new models that "they grew skin, hair, teeth, bad breath.. the whole nine yards" so yeah.. it really never made sense for them to crank out even ONE duplicate (Sorry T2, your ONLY downside besides Edward Furlong) .. But if the Arnold T-800 was the infiltration unit it'd make no sense to make duplicates of the same one.. yet they did.. a Different "Arnold" unit in every film. T1 evil Arnie, T2 reprogrammed by JC Good Arnie, T3 reprogrammed by JC's wife Good Arnie, T4 CGI Evil Arnie.
Honestly not a lot of it made sense and they probably should have stopped with T2
Kalontas: no. All Model 101s of the Series 800 looked like Arnie. Series 800 was the flesh-covered, Series 600 was the rubber covered robotic infiltration unit.
Oh, by the way, it seems the author here isn't very well-versed in movies, or he would have realized that the "face-melting" scene in Roger Rabbit was a very deliberate take-off on the shower scene in Psycho. The two stills up there make it painfully obvious. Back when RR was released, that scene would have cracked up most audiences, because then most audiences would have seen at least part of Psycho. Not so much any more.
ReplyThus it would have been a very GOOD scene - for those that know anything about cinema.
No, it would have been a cheap homage, that as the author states would have damaged the actual integrity of the film's plot.
"Cinema". Gosh you are lame.
My rationale for the T-100 having Arnold's face was that he was the head of Cyberdyne Systems, so when the machines started making that model (let's say it was Mr. Moneybags' dream project), they went with the guy whose photo was all over the walls in the Cyberdyne bunkers and factories where the machines came from. I thought of this when T4 was in the works, and I wondered if they'd find a way to work Arnie in somehow even though he was all political at the time. Think of it - he could have actually been IN the film, by using footage from his public appearances and re-editing it as film about the former CEO. Just an idea, but I thought it had merit.
ReplyT3 changed a lot of the backstory of the first two. It implied that Skynet didn't invent anything. The HK's and other weapons were being developed by people. That left the Terminators and the time machine unexplained. So maybe they were trying to fill in that gap. Also, Reese had to wait on the Terminator to make his move because he did NOT know what he looked like. So they could not all be the same (they just kept using Arnold for recognition and call backs) and the one in his dream that attached their base was a different guy.
don't forget at the end of T2 the whoel timelien of Skynet the killer being the creator of all the havoc was wiped out. So haveing humans creat the t100 makes perfect sense... the idea that Skynet still exist also makes sense as it plays to our own built in sense of always needing something better.
the author of this article seems to have completely forgot that the future where Skynet becomes self away and them makes all kinds of killing machines is nothign more then a memory in Sarah and John connor's mind. The NEW terminator reality is one that was mroe man made. and it makes sense that way.
That scene from Hancock was deleted? It's been in every version I've ever seen...
ReplyMe too, actually a lot of these I have seen in the context of the films listed.
Super genitals: Or like Superman (Hancock, Hancockette, Wonder Woman, Super Girl) they can soften their touch. They can delicately remove a tear from a person's cheek or punch through their head. Not EVERY touch is super powerful. So yeah. Take that into consideration and don't always try to think of it as they'd kill someone with sex, it's moronic.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesLast time I checked, miss, I couldn't control the speed and velocity of my sperm. I could be the gentlest of souls but if I were super the way Hanock is, I'm fairly sure my orgasm would remove her head like a champagne bottle cork.
It's not moronic. It's FUNNY. There's a difference.
Neuronyx: Larry Niven wrote the classic exegesis of this idea: "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex". Do look it up.
Neuronyx: You're also a normal Terran, not a Kryptonian royalty which may have some... interesting properties. I don't know what kind of evolutional advantage would having control over sperm velocity give, but it's got to be possible, right? Right?
Didn't Obi-wan talk to Luke in his mind at one point? That seems like a better system than conspicuous hand signals.
ReplyHe didn't start doing that until after he was one with the force, so its' reasonable to think that that might not have been an option until then.
You guys don't know who Shaak Ti is?
ReplyYou'd think they did. Obviously they missed the Clone Wars cartoon shorts that aired on Cartoon Network before Revenge of the Sith came out. Shaak Ti was shown quite a bit in those. Also it explains why Grievous sounds like he has tuberculosis.
Yes but these are about the film. ONLY the film, not a myriad of other things. Why does everyone assume that everyone else should have watched all the bloody extended universe stuff just cos they did. Especially when it comes to star wars.
"Why surely the author must of heard of Geranndo Flack, the greatest bounty hunter of them all who also taught Jango Fett and was besties with Yoda? Your ignorance makes you look a fool sir!"
Star Wars3 scene; It's General Greivous, not darth.
ReplyThere was really nothing wrong with those scenes and u do know who she is if you have watched the 'Clone Wars' cartoons; in one episode Sha Ti's padawan and Osoka (Anakins padawan) become good friends.
And secret hand signals, gee the next thing u know the military will be using secret hand signals to communicate...
Oh, wait...
You mean the pretty much universal hand signals that grunts learn in boot camp, and almost anyone who's watched a few war movies has seen and knows? Those secret hand signals?
Because they're used for noise discipline and stealth, not secrecy. Not sure why?
Quick quiz: Two enemy soldiers you have surrounded start waving their hands at eachother and making lots of gestures. Do you..
A) Assume they're having some kind of nervous ticks
B) Assume they're trying to wave away flies or something
C) Assume they're using secret hand signals, but ignore it because you're not sure what the hell they're trying to say
D) Assume they're trying to communicate a plan via a series of gestures and immidiately incapacitate them in whichever way is best suited
(hint: The correct answer is not C).
You lose Crow81
Also:
*Shaak Ti
*Ahsoka Tano
Now, I'm not going to claim that that deleted T2 scene wouldn't have been awful, but I don't get the problem with John Connor existing... Just because she has a son and names him John doesn't mean it's the same John Connor by the same father.
ReplyExcept he's already born, he's that annoying kid in the film
Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. I don't think a Cracked author is qualified to discourse on the laws of causality.
The "Enzyte ad" comment in the 'Terminator' one-I about choked on my drink.
ReplyThe 'Hancock' one was hilarious, too. WTF?
I would hope that the author would be smart enough to realize that the visual effects in that Blade scene were not supposed to be the final effects as they would have appeared in the finished scene had it been in the movie. Obviously they were just temporary placeholder effects done for a workprint edit or something. It's an incredibly common technique in pre-visualizing effects heavy films, and has been around for a very long time (though in the days before CGI it was done with stuff like cheap videotaped model shots or incredibly simple animation instead. Look at all the old behind the scenes shows about the original Star Wars movies to see what I mean). I'm not defending the scene, as it's completely idiotic, but it's pretty clear that the director also noticed that fact and ditched it before they actually wasted their time and money on doing the final CGI effects, so all the criticism about those effects is kind of pointless.
ReplyI've seen Blade, the CGI genuinely is that bad
Yeah they really do look like that i'm afraid
In the First TERMINATOR movie - the Sarah Connor photo gets burned as the result of a base infiltration by a TERMINATOR who looks nothing like Arnie - everybody knows this right ?
ReplyYes, but he's not necessarily the same model.
It's been a while since I watched the dvd, but wasn't the bum scene supposed to be a nod to some bums in another movie? I need to brush up on my 80's bum lore
ReplyPossible quick brush up: You're probably thinking of Randolph and Mortimer. In Trading Places (Dan Akroyd, Eddie Murphy and 80s Jamie Lee Curtis' tits) they were the rich a*****e brothers who arranged the whole plot and *SPOILER ALERT* got ruined at the end. In Coming to America (Eddie Murphy) they had a brief cameo, shown to have become two bums (that Eddie's character gives a bunch of cash).
I saw Bubble a while ago and towards the end of the movie there was originally a scene showing that the murderer had a brain tumor, causing erratic behavior such as murder. Two hours of characterization, motivation, social commentary - no. Brain tumor! Everybody go home.
Reply