#3. Flies Live in the Matrix
With all our advanced technology and opposable thumbs, a human killing a fly should be a breeze. Anyone who's tried it, though, will know that it is no easy task. No matter what angle you use to sneak up on one, no matter how fast and stealthy you may be, the fly usually manages to, well, fly away, happily giving you the insect equivalent of the finger the entire time.
You son of a bitch!
There's a reason that Mr. Miyagi is always trying to catch one with chopsticks, because it turns out flies have abilities that make Neo look like your drunken dad. First up, see those weird eyes? They give your average fly 360-degree vision, meaning sneaking up on one is next to impossible. Then, after the fly swatter comes into view, it takes it just 100 milliseconds to spot and calculate the exact escape route needed to get away. That's quicker than you can blink.
How is this possible, science? What's that? You don't know?
Yes, all science is able to tell us is that a fly just seems to know exactly what it needs to do to escape, instantly. The reaction is so quick scientists believe it borders on instinct as opposed to any sort of active choice made by the fly. Which is sort of good news, since we definitely wouldn't want it to use that time to think about all the ways it could use our blinking time to, say, call its friends over to take a group dump down our throats.
Dude, it can hear us -- don't make eye contact.
Heyyy ... wait a minute. So, flies can see the world in slow motion, sensing danger coming long before it strikes and move instinctively out of the way? Yes the bug known for spitting up on everything and getting bullied by spiders are the ones with the real world spidey sense! Damn you, flies. Now every Spider-Man comic that has ever existed has been a lie.
#2. Mosquitoes Know Your Blood Type from Across Your Yard
Ah, mosquitoes, the scourge of summer! Mosquito bites are a minor -- if awfully itchy -- annoyance to most of you, but a bit more of a pressing problem for all the people that have gotten sick and died because of them. So what we're basically saying here is, screw mosquitoes.
And while the worst thing about them is the bite, the most annoying thing is how they always, always manage to find you and know exactly when to strike to cause maximum annoyance.
There's a reason behind this: they can sense your presence. Like a much creepier version of Professor X, mosquitoes have the innate ability to sense where people are. Through a complicated combination of smell, sight and heat detection, mosquitoes are able to pinpoint your exact location from over 100 feet away. If that doesn't sound impressive, bear in mind that a mosquito is usually less than an inch long -- that's like you being able to detect dinner from a mile away.
"Hope you don't need this blood, jerkface. Heh. Heh. *slluuuuurp*
But wait, there's more: they can also detect your blood type, again from 100 feet away. Even if you stand next to other people with different blood types, the mosquito will home in on the ones it finds tastiest (sucks to be you, people with type-O blood).
Even the most advanced mosquito repellents are just able to mask your smell, making you sort of invisible to the mosquito. Yes, the best defense we have against one of man's deadliest enemies is to hide and hope they don't accidentally bump into us as they lazily buzz around.
Oh, and don't wear a hat. Mosquitoes love hats.
#1. The Termite With a Gun for a Face
As we have mentioned before, ants are a terrible force hellbent on conquering the world and we should totally cower in fear before them. However, there is one group of insects that does not fear ants at all, but instead fights their evil empire at every opportunity like an army of small, disgusting Luke Skywalkers. That group is called termites.
*VRRRWOM VVVRWOM CSHH!*
Termites tend to get a bad rap because they eat houses and are really just pretty much a bunch of super-organized roaches. Be that as it may, termites are kick-ass bugs that should not be underestimated. In fact, a certain species of them is in possession of one of the most advanced weapon systems in the animal world. Every soldier of the Nasutitermitinae termite has something called a fontanellar gun -- in its face. The gun shoots projectile glue (glue being a pretty good defense against insects, as every fly that has ever made acquaintance with fly paper will testify) at its opponents.
Imagine being an ant soldier and going up against a termite in a territorial battle. You're pretty evenly matched and similar in size, but you're confident because you're a freaking ant and he's not. That is, confident right up until he shoots you in the face. With the gun he's got built into his face. No flailing mandibles, no spraying toxins from his butt. He doesn't need that shit, because he already has a goddamn gun face.
Every termite mound is a giant middle finger, taunting every ant within miles to come get some.
And they don't keep it one-on-one, either -- when the termite colony is threatened, soldiers gang up to mow down their ant foes with a barrage of their adhesive ammunition. Which, as it happens, is also lethally poisonous.
And just to really rub it in the ants' faces, the termites fire their formidable faceguns blind ... not that they have a choice, seeing as they have no eyes.
A true ninja needs no eyes.
You know your weapon's alright when mother nature has to step in and take your eyes away just to level the playing field.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn how to arm yourself against the insect and arachnid uprising.
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