7 'Ancient' Forms of Mysticism That Are Recent Inventions
#3.
Ninjutsu
The secret collection of ninja skills and wisdom known as "ninjutsu" has been around for like a thousand years, and you're still able to learn it today, despite the fact that modern America lacks a strict class system, honor-based fighting rules and any real opportunities for assassinating feudal lords. Throw a shuriken in your average martial arts dojo and it'll hit someone offering to teach you ninjutsu. Maybe you'll even end up getting invited to one of those secret underground death fights!
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"I can teach you nine ways to kill a man for a Mounds bar and some soda."
The Reality:
We've already revealed that ninjas never wore black jumpsuits and masks like Hollywood taught us. But surely ninjas actually existed in some form, right? Sure, probably. The problem is that no one in Japan or elsewhere has ever proven that they have access to any ninja-related tradition going back earlier than the 20th century. The Bujinkan school practiced by Stephen Hayes, who popularized ninjutsu in the West in the 1970s, isn't taken seriously by traditional martial arts schools in Japan, and its claims to historical legitimacy are based on a bunch of "ancient scrolls" that the leader won't show to anybody. Another man who claims to be Japan's last "real" ninja, Jinichi Kawakami, says that he learned ninjutsu from a mysterious stranger he met as a child who mysteriously left no evidence of ever existing.
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"Hey, a mysterious stranger! Let's see if he can teach us karate."
Basically, it seems like everyone in Japan can claim that their high school gym teacher was a hidden warrior who taught them the Way of the Ninja and Americans will flock to them for training in the hope of being able to wear those cool black suits and punch people in the head.
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Above: Karate. Although, to be honest, we consider everything Japanese to be karate.
#2.
Friday the 13th
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As newspaper articles and Dan Brown alike tell us every time the date rolls around, Friday the 13th's bad reputation dates back to October 13, 1307. Dozens of Knights Templar were arrested en masse by the corrupt king of France, right when they were looking forward to the weekend. The knights, whose mission it was to protect pilgrims traveling in the Holy Land, were imprisoned and tortured, and their leader was burned at the stake in Paris on March 18, 1314. As he died, he laid down an epic curse on those present, many of who then dropped dead within the year. The French were so impressed with this that they dutifully decided not only to remember the curse forever, but also to base their superstitions on the day of his arrest seven years earlier.
"From now on, stupid people will avoid driving or gambling on the anniversary of this day."
The Reality:
There are plenty of historical references to both 13 and Friday being considered unlucky. But in another example of life imitating art only pretending to imitate life, nobody thought about marrying these two superstitions until the early 20th century, when a bestselling novel by the name of Friday the Thirteenth was released.
This 1907 book told the story of a crooked businessman who plots to crash the stock market. No Knights Templar, no hockey mask, just your run-of-the-mill Wall Street business thriller that inexplicably led us to mark off our calendars, call in sick and hide under the bedcovers once every couple of years in terror of some arbitrary combination of numbers.
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"Sorry ma'am. None of our pilots will fly today. You'll just have to sit in the terminal."
#1.
The Viking Religion
Vikings are awesome, as are the myths of pre-Christian Scandinavia that come with them. There are giant hammers, eight-legged horses and Ragnarok, in which the universe is kicked to death by fire and the bad guys pilot a ship made of corpse fingernails. It's like one giant, eternal '80s metal album cover. But for many people -- those who feel a deep connection to Norse culture, want to join a prison gang or are just angry at their parents for making them get up early for church when they were young -- Scandinavian paganism is alive and well, known as Odinism or Asatru by modern followers.
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Above: Everything we know about Vikings that doesn't also involve Dungeons and Dragons.
The Reality:
You're begging us now, "Please, Cracked, don't tell us that all of that stuff about Thor and his hammer, Odin, Loki and other Marvel properties are horseshit made up to sell some books!" Unfortunately, our dedication to the truth is only seconded by our dedication to killing your dreams. Pretty much everything we know about Scandinavian paganism comes from the Eddas, two books compiled in the 13th century by a guy with the hilarious, Muppet-like name of Snorri Sturluson.
Aww, he looks like a Zoloft commercial.
But wait, the 13th century's still pretty old, right? Yes, but there's a problem here: Snorri wrote the books several hundred years after Scandinavia had been Christianized. Oh, and Snorri himself wasn't exactly a true believer: he declared that the "gods" he was writing about were just dead heroes who got talked up later.
Some random hobo ended up memorialized as Odin.
That would be bad enough, but Snorri's collections also contained elements that seem to be cribbed from the hot new religion, like Odin sacrificing himself by hanging on a tree and getting pierced by a spear. In fact, some buzzkill scholars have even suggested that Ragnarok itself is no more than a retelling of the end of paganism under Christianity, or even a co-opted version of the Biblical book of Revelation. Basically, Snorri was working at the end of a 200-year-old religious telephone game, and we've just got no way of knowing what was in the original version and what was the result of one guy saying, "You know what religion needs? More giant hammers."
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For more modern ideas that were here before us, check out 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.
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This author's contempt for the people that are into these things is getting in the way of his research.
ReplyThis article sucks. It's filled with inaccuracies. The article is focusing on when a particular term was first coined, especially with Yoga and Satanism. See there's this thing called 'evolution' and it happens not just biologically but also with any given subject including movements or philosophies. Lame.
ReplyI was a fan of your site until you completely bashed my religion, Before you start making generalized assumptions you might want to do your homework or at least hire someone that actually knows what the hell they are talking about. I am a practicing Odinist and am very proud of that fact. Our faith was practiced well before Viking age and will be for a very long time. Biased and poisoned words like what your site is spreading is the problem with todays society. Instead of actually doing some scholarly research you are just spreading crap and unsubstantiated generalizations. Where are your references and and citations? where is your proof? You have none. Do you actually think you are journalists? You are nobodies who can't get jobs writing real news or anything worth reading. As far as I'm concerned because of scum like you, our country is actually becoming dumber instead of learning facts or reading something that has substance!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYou mad? Do something, Mr. Scary Viking Berserker. . . Oh I see, you're just a frustrated goth? As you were.
You see how some of the words are blue?
Blood & Iron is right. The article uses Snorri Sturlason (whose name in Norse languages is nothing like a muppet name, but thanks for insulting an entire culture). Sturlason wrote "The Prose Edda"... which is the greatest legend ever told in northern Europe, the story of Sigurd the Dragonslayer and the Ring of Andvari... the same story which happened to inspire dozens of the greatest historical epics Europe ever produced, including--but not limited to-- the Nibelungenlied, Richard Wagner, and JRR TOLKIEN the Lord of the Rings. His account is a retelling from oral tradition, fragments of which were recorded in *700* AD in the work known as "The PROSE Edda"... which should be noted, is not the same as the Poetic one which Sturlason wrote, and said Prose contains several other poems regarding the norse ways before Christianity came in and burned all the mainland sources to ashes. IE, the only reason we have them today is because they written in Iceland, and no one wanted to travel that far (from Europe) to make the effort of Christian purification.
Sturlason also wrote the "Heimskringla" Which is the story of the Norwegian kings, many of whom Cracked has used in articles of badasses. The only reason we even KNOW of those kings (as the above mentioned Christians burnt everything around 1100 AD) is because Sturlason wrote down the oral traditions (by order of the Norwegian king) in the 13th century. So, insult blood and iron all you want if it makes you feel better, but the fact is Cracked is using both sides of the coin, in some articles quoting Sturlason's epic as badass, in other's dismissing the same work as ridiculous (as this article did).... ALL THE WHILE ignoring one MAJOR original work that existed fully 600 years earlier and pretty much says all the same stuff Snorri did in his Prose.
This is the 2nd time I've come across this bad information at Cracked. I used to take them as hilorious fact-tellers, but since they have obviously not done their research TWICE and repeated the same error, I will have to take them as just another site hoping to make a name for itself among millions of other identical sites by spewing out whatever seems to work without performing any actual fact checks. Sad, really. And no, I do not follow neopaganism. I just know wth I'm talking about, unlike columnists trying to make a name with intolerance and their blind followers who just follow the links the columnists post without knowing a dmaned thing for themselves.
You're either a troll or an @$$hole.The author is telling the truth about the Eddas.
Sorry dude,both of our gods got pwned by the Christians,it's how the religious food chain works.
You're wrong about yoga, but that's okay. You tried. Failed, but tried. Oh, also wrong about Satanism.
ReplyWell, the kind of Satanism propagated by the CoS has only been around since 1966. But the most part of the satanist don't even care about LaVey. He's good as a start out to learn what satanism might be, but that's about it. And "devil-worship" has been around for as long as mankind exists. And if you had read LaVeys biography, you'd know that he was indeed not atheistic. He actually believed in the devil. I bet he'd rotate in his grave at where the CoS had gone since his death, hadn't he been cremated.
ReplyAs for the pentagram: Yes, it was used for protection. But don't get it confused with the inverted pentagram used by some satanists. Same goes for the cross. But really, over-use of those things are mainly for people that don't manage to get rid of their christian upbringing. Or never get past the first step of shocking.
Let me guess: "shocking" is one of those gay things "Satanists" do to emphasize how totally not-Christian you are?
Does it involve "The Shocker" at any point? You might be on to something . . .
There is plenty of archaeological evidence for certain elements of Norse mythology, but I'd imagine most of the details we're familiar with are probably Snorri's invention. Yeah, they worshipped someone named Thor, someone named Odin (Woden, Wotan, depending where in northern Europe you are), Frigg, etc. Same is true for a lot of Celtic mythology. Most of it was written down by later Christians, but there is archaeological evidence of many elements from literature. I'd venture it's safe to say you just want to get your hard evidence from archaeological remains and take literature with a grain of salt- which is kind of the rule of thumb for Classical mythology as well.
ReplyThis article is meant for complete morons.
ReplyUm, but Roman chariot races WERE a very obvious forerunner of NASCAR. (I apologize for that. Roman charioteers, I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings.)
ReplyAll right, I actually stopped reading this article half-way through because I am pissed. "Satanism" yes, was developed by Anton LeVey. Satan WORSHIPPING goes back eons. Every bit of referencing this article made about Satanism is wrong as Satanism has absolutely nothing, zero, ziltch, nada to do with the devil.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually you're the one who brought up any connection. In reality the Church of Satan is atheistic, using the concept of the devil to symbolize the inherit evil inside everyone, which they hold we should submit to.
Ah, there are two kinds of Satanism. Theistic and Atheistic. The Church of Satan is atheistic, but there are Satanists who do literally believe in Christianity (or another established religion), but worship the opposing force, Satan or the equivalent thereof. So, yes, Satanism can have plenty to do with the devil, depending on the denomination.
Nobody actually worships Satan. Satanism is just a method for atheists to rebel against Christianity.
I'm not an old Indian dude... but yoga is...well, different from what you make out to be in this article and also different from the stupid exercise craze you Americans have.
ReplyGreat article. The only one I really knew about was Satanism. It's important to note that Satanism for the most part isn't even much of a religion, more like a moral philosophy. In fact I don't believe they actually worship Satan. It's actually a pretty interesting philosphy contrary to what it may look like.
ReplyOn a completely different note, I don't care what yoga instructors claim about the origins of their practice. Anything that gets women wearing yoga pants is fine by me.
You guys are pretty lucky one of those argumentative old indian dudes hasn't landed on this articles yet. they will waste no time in declaring outrage
ReplyLet's see some sources, all who are claiming this article is BS. Provide evidence to back your claims. Nobody has so far. I see nothing but butthurt.
ReplyThis isn't Wikipedia, dude. It's a comments section. There doesn't have to be a dubious link for every little thing. Try GOOGLING some stuff, man. I did, and some of these counterarguments panned out.
And when he says this isn't Wikipedia, he means it's not for Asperger's riddled fags.
I wonder how many of these people commenting actually read the article. At least two comments are saying s**t like, "Whatever man, Norse mythology was older than 1300" and s**t like, "Ninjas so too were real, just because Hollywood made them look ridiculous doesn't mean they didn't exist!!!" Yeah, obviously. That's also why the article never said anything of the sort. It's in fact 100% true that we don't really know jack s**t about how the common, average man and woman lived and worshipped in pre-christian Norse communities. We only have stories passed down that eventually got written down way after the fact. No one said the Norse religion was a new thing, only that the reconstruction of it is stupid, because we have no way of knowing how it really went outside of allegorical stories, hearsay, and scant archaeology. And no one said ninjas didn't exist either. Ninjutsu isn't some age old martial arts. Period. That's what it said, in fact there's even a link there to another article that describes the true ninja of it's day. Ninjas were real, but nothing similar to what we think of. People only see what they want to see I suppose. Crazy.
ReplyYup, because sacrifices to Odin in the bogs of Denmark don't date back to 450 BCE.... seriously, I wonder if this was written by payed off Christians to abolish all pagan and silly myths in the world. Throw the bbile in there while you're at it.
Reply"once every couple of years"...The 13th falls on a Friday about twice a year...
ReplyThank you RebeccaIversen and blindthrall, I was just going to say those things, as I, myself, am an Asatru. :D
ReplyActually, norse mythology has been around for much longer than just the 13th century. Snorri only compiled the second edda. The first edda was written earlier and both eddas were based on folklore stories. Norse mythology has been estimated to be from around 500-700 years BC based on archaeological evidence of an offering of a boat.
ReplyAlso, the ninjas thing is wrong. No the movies are not right, but it is pretty verified that a bunch of peasants were tired of their cops beating and raping them, so learned to defend themselves. I don't know if any ninjas from that line are around anymore. Its also believed that to be a ninja you trained at a school that the only way to get to was an already ninja to take you there. That said, don't know if that exists anymore. Ninjas may not be around now, but they did exist in history. Just because something was perverted in later years doesn't mean it never existed.
Bullshit on #1. You're basically saying any oral tradition is false, which means about 60% of the historical timeline is unverifiable.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAny oral tradition is unreliable. Not false, but unreliable.
But the author is, in essence, claiming that it's false, VictorWolf. Even if what we know today isn't entirely accurate, that doesn't mean it's history was a figment of someone's imagination.
60% of the stuff you read in the newspaper is bullshit. What makes you think Snizz Jarlsnorg or whoeverthefuck is more reliable?
Look - I once wrote a prayer to Elvis and left it hidden in the archive of an Albanian monastery. The idea was that in 200 years, or whenever some grad student was brought in to organize the place, someone would find the "prayer" and write his dissertation on Elvisism.
How do you know the middle ages weren't FULL of assholes just like me?
The thing I find funniest is that if the author hadn't tangled with things with such prominent popular culture profiles, even if he'd done so in exactly the same manner, this wouldn't have gotten one tenth the complaints. Watch out. He's in ur pasture, rustlin ur sacred cows.
ReplyI don't know if its the same for others, but my bad reaction is there is much evidence to support things he claimed are false. They have been perverted through time but at one point in history they existed. Thats like saying because you are an adult you were never a child.