6 Bizarre Incidents that Prove God Hates Sports
Whether we like to admit it or not, a whole bunch of us only watch car races in hopes of seeing a spectacular crash. Likewise, we follow other sports like reality television, never happier than when some big star goes apeshit on national TV. In other words, many people only become sports fans when things go horribly wrong.
This article is for them.
#6.
The Baseball Game that was Called on Account of Bees
Ahh, bees. Mother Nature's way of telling us "I love you guys, but seriously -- screw you sideways for Chernobyl and plastic bags."
Bees are a big problem for backyard barbecues and honey thieves, but as far as we can tell, they've never substantially altered the course of a professional baseball game. That all changed on March 25, 2005. After five innings, the Colorado Rockies and the Arizona Diamondbacks were forced off the field by hundreds of angry bees.
Via MLB
Sergio Santos exhales bees onto the field, Green Mile style.
Darren Oliver, pitcher for the Rockies, was the first player targeted. The swarm apparently smelled his coconut hair gel and decided his head was the perfect place for a giant bee feast/orgy. The Diamondbacks tried to take the field in the sixth, but "by then the bees had spread over the entire field." The shortstop was chased into the far end of center field and, after a brief discussion, the humans elected to flee Tucson stadium.
Via ESPN
Darren Oliver runs from a bee, screaming like a 12-year-old girl.
This sounds like the sinister prelude to a bloody worldwide invasion, but so far the bees have held back their awful wrath, and incredibly, no one in the crowd of 8,029 reported any stings. The Invasion of Tucson was simply a show of force from the Mother Hive. People of Arizona: You live or die at the pleasure of the All-Queen!
Via Science Daily
"Sleeeeeep!"
#5.
Zeus Hates Soccer
When someone mentions the "dangers of soccer," getting hit in the face with a ball, or possibly getting gouged with some cleats comes to mind. But it isn't a contact sport like football or rugby or sex-jousting, so there really isn't much to worry about. Unless, of course, you've pissed off Zeus, which at some point soccer apparently has.
What we're trying to say is that soccer games seem to be absolute magnets for lightning. Even when it's not storming.
Getty
They're making evil in there.
On May 3, 2009, a bolt of lightning struck a soccer field in southern Germany and wounded 26 teenagers. One even died on scene, but was later resuscitated and is now (presumably) some manner of supernatural crime-fighter. More recently, this April, a lightning bolt injured seven more young soccer players.
Getty
With sick, extreme fisheye-lens wrath.
The details vary in each strike. In Germany, the players reported no stormy weather or warning whatsoever. Meanwhile, at a soccer game in Michigan, 10 players were struck by lightning as they huddled underneath the same tree for cover. Which we're fairly certain is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do in a lightning storm, second only to perhaps climbing said tree and waving a 9-iron in the air.
Photos
Lightning, preying on trees -- and everything else within 100 yards of it.
But both of these disasters pale in comparison to a 1998 soccer game between two Congolese teams. They were tied in a thrilling (well, as far as soccer goes) 1-1 game when a storm began to brew overhead. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning streaked out of the sky and hit the visiting team -- killing all 11 players instantly. The home team was left unharmed, leading to immediate suspicions of witchcraft.
We actually don't have a convincing argument to counter that claim.
#4.
Head-On Collision Ends a Doubles Match
Professional tennis seems like it gets a raw deal in America. You've got athletes serving up balls at more than 130 miles-per-hour directly at each other, yet it seems like we only give celebrity status to about one player per generation. We're honestly astounded that human beings exist with the reflexes and visual acuity to actually play this game. Which just makes it all that much more hilarious when something goes ridiculously wrong.
Via Sports Shooter
Nope, we're not above laughing at that.
This is precisely what happened during a Toronto doubles match involving the Aussie Mark Philippoussis and his partner, Croation pro Goran Ivanisevic, who already had a history of unlikely game-ending injuries. For example, Ivanisevic once broke multiple fingers after accidentally closing a door on his hand.
The trouble started when both men went after the same shot. Ivanisevic tried to head it over the net, while Philippoussis attempted to play it with his racquet.
Via AutoBlog.com
Known in the sports world as an "oh shit" moment.
The Aussie and the Croat were so focused on making the play that they both missed it entirely. Philippoussis and Ivanisevic collided head-to-head in mid-air, Three Stooges-style. Ivanisevic ended up requiring stitches, while his partner staggered away with a concussion. The two never partnered again, which is probably better off for everyone who doesn't make a living as a comedy writer.
Via TheSharkGuys.com
Not that we're complaining -- look at it!
Ivanisevic's battle with spatial awareness came to a head in 2003, when he was forced to withdraw from a tournament after stepping on a seashell at the beach and injuring his foot. For subsequent matches, we assume Ivanisevic was issued a football helmet, thick mittens and galoshes.
The only thing wrong with Cracked is its lack of appreciation for sports. And I'm pretty sure many sports fans are fans because of their passion for sports, not because they like to watch things go wrong.
ReplyCoconut hair gel? Really??
ReplyWhy is it whenever the author of an article on cracked makes a joke about Britain I see tons of Brits picking fights with Americans about some trivial bullshit? I'm British and I welcome getting made fun of, it genuinely annoys me to see a load of British people regurgitating the same tired arguments again and again. Americans are different to British people, get over it.. We are still all people for goodness sake, can't we all just.. get along?
ReplyBy the way America, you're fat hehe
Dangers of playing soccer? Well one time I was hit in the stomach by the ball and it popped my intestine open. And this was in grade 9 GYM CLASS. The ball was kicked by a 14 year old girl. She apparently has super powers or something.
ReplyIf you think soccer isn't a contact sport, you've been playing soccer with pussies.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesEvery time I play a game someone ends up getting stitches.
Didnt realize anyone BUT pussies played soccer.
Compare the protection worn by American football players and football players and you'll se who's the pussy.
I remember seeing more than one video of some soccer player's leg snapping in two, a la Theisman. Ish.
Julius Peppers and Reggie White... two 280 pound muscled animals paid millions to hit you really really hard... it's like saying MMA fighters/Boxers are bigger pussys than Pro Wrestlers or something.
Football[the real football] rocks......watched and played all over the world.....unlike as played only in a part of a continent.....even mexico knows better.......theres nothing as exiting as Brazil-Argentnia or Man utd-Liverpool match........Dont get me started on the players............
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI agree that the non-American football is the only correct football, but it is still mind-fuckingly boring
American football is called football because the ball is a standard foot in length. Football (in American English: Soccer) is called football because it's played primarily with the feet. Both sound correct to me.
Love when Brits get uppity about calling Soccer, football or Futbol when it is they themselves that created the name SOCCER for their sport
"as far as soccer goes"? f**k you, man.
Replymad?
It isn't 'Manchester City's First Division Football League', there is no such thing.
ReplyI think you're getting confused into thinking that Manchester City refers to the actual city of Manchester, when in fact there is a Football team called Manchester City. So he didn't play in the fictitious 'Manchester First Division' as you claim, but the regular English First Division FOR the football team Manchester City (the country's top league at the time).
Incidentally Brentford FC aren't called 'The Brentford Bees', 'the bees' is just a nickname. All football teams have a nickname that isn't used in the official name of the club. Stoke City are nicknamed 'the potters' because of the town's former pot making industry, but they're not called 'The Stoke Potters' or anything.
Plus, that's not Chic Brody in the picture. That's a Scottish member of Parliament with the same name.
But apart from that, good article!
"Mon-Queda" made me snort in laughter at work.... awkward!
Reply"Mistar" is Indonesian term for "goal pole". And there's no chance in moslem (and pig hating) country like Indonesia to have any band of pigs, let alone to stampede on some soccer team.
ReplyAre you sure you've done your research correctly? There is no one credible news source about the accident when I google it.
Why the thumb-down? This guy is serious. Im an indonesian guy and well,i have never heard of the accident. And be noted,unless u live in an indian tribe (which is still exist in the new guinea) you will find it ridicolously hard to find/locate/see a pig or pork. Let alone many enough to go on a stampede. Boar is however,more common,but they never make a group,they wander alone or at least only a small family.Pardon my bad english.
The home team coach was an archmage mastering level 10 chain lightning spell.
Replywhat about the earthquake during the world series?
ReplyNah, doesn't fit the article.
An earthquake affects a pretty wide area. All the items in the article seem isolated to the sports events or the athletes in them
A bolt of lightning also hit a Manchester United training session while they were touring the States on a preseason friendly tour.
ReplyWell if you're gonna nickname your team "The Red Devils" you should expect some kinda fallout from the big guy
In #2 I think the author is overestimating the strength of British beer. I just got back from England and while there I noticed how hard it was to find a beer above 6% ABV and was astonished to find several beers below 4% ABV (which is the legal maximum strength of Utah beer). In San Francisco I have to search to get a beer that is less than 7% that isn't Budweiser or some similar mass produced beer. I think the myth that British people can drink so much is because they have to almost drink twice as much for the same effect.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieswhere were you!? did you go to a real pub!?
Honestly think you went to a very bad area for drinking/were drunk at the time..
Ordinary mass-market British beers aren't all that alcoholic- Guinness only runs 4.2%, less than Budweiser! But if tyou go to a Real Ale festival, you'll find stuff which will melt your dental fillings.
#5 (specifically the last part) deserves to be higher up on the list. That is way too disturbing of a coincidence.
ReplyAfter the humans are dead... the war against the bees shall begin. Beware, bees! You shall face your doom!
ReplyThat was the same year the Rocks made the world series if I remember right. Also, there was a blackout at Coors Field during one of their playoff games later that same season, also (jokingly) attributed to the vengeance of the bees.
The tennis thing doesn't belong here. Not only is it not an act of God, but it's not even really a "bizarre incident." A couple of athletes ran into each other, and...?
ReplyBadminton. Discuss.
Replythey play with a c**k, discussion over
RESEARCH FAILURE: Football (or, as some call it, "Soccer") IS a contact sport.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesAlso, don't try to insinuate that football in un-exciting when your version of football stops every 30 seconds to spend change the entire team around - because that doesn't get tedious at all.
You forgot the part where American's don't care
Stopping every 30 seconds is still better than running back and forth for 90 minutes doing nothing.
I'm mostly with The Void on this one. For one thing, Football (as everyone outside of the United States calls it) is named appropriately. It primarily involves people kicking a ball with their feet. It is indeed a contact sport (it involves tackling and kicking and everything!), just not in the same level as American Football. Whilst American Football can be exciting, people should watch Rugby if they want to see that kind of contact sport without the rest breaks and pansy padding. Rugby players wear a gum shield, sometimes shin pads and, occassionally, head gear, which is more like a pretty much reinforced cap to be honest - not the ridiculous helmets and kevlar body armour. Which, I would like to point out, should be written with the letter "u" in it... Rant over.
No. Soccer is not a contact sport. The body contact is discouraged as in freekick, penalty, yellow/red cards.
It's called football because it's played on your feet. Pretty much games that weren't played on horseback were known to be "foot" games back in the day. The name soccer a bastardization of it's full name association football. The pads worn in American football allow the players to hit each other much harder. It's kind of like boxing gloves, a lot of people have the misconception that the gloves worn in MMA fighting make their punches harder, but not necessarily so. They do not have the weight behind a punch like a boxing punch due to the glove. A boxing glove is mainly used to keep hits from causing cuts (although they still happen), but a boxing punch is a lot more powerful because of it. Same principle with all the football pads, much harder hits.
Yeah, there are fouls and everything, but there's A LOT of contact with no body protection. How many times in a single match do you see two players jump next to each other, looking to head the same ball, no helmets? How many times do you see the goalkeeper go for the ball with his hands against the feet of a sprinting forward? I've seen countless players pass out, break their legs, their arms, their skulls, get stitches in their f*****g faces mid-match and not leaving the pitch. Contact is not a priority, but it is damn dangerous. Shocker injuries happen all the time.
But don't take my word for it, do as follows: a) go to youtube b)search "football injury" or something, c) ignore any video in which people are wearing helmets and d) shudder.
It IS a contact sport. While you can be penalised for contact which is too aggressive; body-checking, contact during fair tackles and jostling are all perfectly legal
Dude you broke the first rule about Sex Jousting. I have to inform the elders.
Reply