7 Legendary Acts of Petty Revenge

Everyone gets pissed off sometimes. Occasionally, even the most even-headed among us will overreact in childish ways, such as locking your boyfriend out of the car or calling your girlfriend "the Devil." But there are some people who take petty revenge to dizzying levels of perfection.

#7. Getting a Bunch of Scientists to Sign a Paper Saying You're Stupid

Being a scientist has to be tough. They spend their days staring down microscopes, knowing full well that when someone asks, "What do you do for a living?" any answer they give is going to elicit nothing but blank stares.

Via WhatWouldOakleyDo
"Whatever. I'm just in it for the sweet ninja outfit."

When it comes to dealing with people who believe in creationism, it's got to be especially tough. Typically, scientists shrug it off as a fact of life, knowing that no matter how much evidence they collect, some people will simply never accept it.

Creationists tend to be less resigned, and often try to prove the legitimacy of their theory by compiling lists of scientists who doubt evolution. All in all, hundreds of these lists are circulated. When you take a close look at the list of supposedly well-respected members of the scientific community, you notice that they often include television writers and lawyers, and that the people listed as actual scientists either weren't actual scientists, completely disagreed with that statement they supposedly agreed with, or don't actually exist.

It was exactly as relevant as a Flogging Molly set list.

Deciding they'd had just about enough of this bullshit, The National Center for Science Education decided to compile a list of their own -- one with very, very strict guidelines. Each scientist who signed had to agree that creationism was, in fact, silly and that it should not be taught in schools. They had to be from an area of science where their expertise was actually pertinent and, finally, because this apparently needed to be stipulated, they had to be an actual scientist. Oh, and in order to sign, you had to be named Steve or a variant thereof. As it stands, over 1000 Steves are on the list, including Stephen Hawking.

Explaining the reasoning behind the stunt, the scientific community noted that they could have easily compiled a contradicting list of tens of thousands of signatures. But focusing on scientists not named Steve would have taken too much time, and they had things to do.

Via Universe Today
Like building this.

#6. Putting a Bear on Your Property

Lord Byron is considered one of the greatest English poets ever. Normally, words such as "badass" don't belong in the same sentence as "poet" -- something Byron was keen to change. Despite having a club foot and a crippling eating disorder for virtually his entire life, the poet managed to earn a reputation as an extravagant, melancholic, courageous, unconventional, eccentric, flamboyant and controversial figure. Or to translate: He owned all of the sex.

Via Wikipedia Commons
All of it.

When not boning his way through the aristocracy, Byron was really into his pets in a way that was less like a cat lady and more like the Beastmaster. When he went to college, he tried to take his pet dog with him. Cambridge Trinity College was having none of it and stuck to their strict "no dogs allowed" policy, seemingly unaware that they were currently talking to Lord Fucking Byron. After being told no, Byron pleaded with the college to make an exception, but they wouldn't budge.

Seeing an opportunity to display the subtle dignity of the poetic soul, Byron went out and purchased a bear, then brought it to Cambridge.

That's right. Soak it in.

It didn't take long for college officials to notice the abnormally large portion of the student body running in the same direction while screaming , "AAAAAHHHHH BEAR!" When they confronted him about the fact that he was essentially wagging his dick at them in front of everyone, Byron simply asked them to show him where in the rules it said that he couldn't have a bear. Amazingly, there wasn't a specific rule against it. Even more amazingly, Cambridge apparently operated on sitcom logic at the time, and officials decided they had no choice but to allow the bear to stay. Presumably they knew that if they did manage to evict the bear, Byron would have simply arrived to campus the next day riding a sled pulled by tigers.

Via Wikimedia Commons
"Please don't make me buy a Minotaur."

Byron lived quite happily with his pet bear, but he wasn't done taking a piss on officials just yet, so he sent a sarcastic letter to the college suggesting that the bear should apply for a fellowship. Eventually, to everyone's relief, Byron left Cambridge -- presumably riding his bear into the sunset and no doubt leaving a big steaming pile of bear shit in the headmaster's office.

#5. Insulting You With a Royal Band

The Queen's Royal Guards are a British institution charged with greeting and playing for foreign dignitaries from around the world. In America, they are mostly known for having made Leslie Nielson's eyes cross that one time in Naked Gun. Anytime a notable person of importance visits the country, it's a British tradition to have the Royal Band has to play for them, and anyone who saw the ridiculous hats on display at the royal wedding should know how they feel about letting traditions die. But sometimes the band doesn't want to play, because sometimes the person of notable importance is a douche bag.

The band faced just such a dilemma when Saudi King Abdullah came to Britain. Being sensitive artsy musician types, certain band members didn't agree with the king's tolerance of human rights abuses and his promotion of such delightful books as Women Who Deserve To Go To Hell. But it would be breaking hundreds of years of tradition to not play for him.

Via Telegraph
Hey, for all they know, this book is awesome.

The band finally agreed to go with tradition and play for the king, choosing a song that truly represented how they felt about him: "The Imperial March (aka Darth Vader's theme song).

Of course the Saudi King had no idea what was going on, but everyone else sure did. Imagine hearing the song associated with one of the scariest and most evil fictional men in history, then watching this guy stroll by, surrounded by bodyguards and booing protesters.

King Abdullah, without his mask or helmet.

King Abdullah hung out with the Queen for a while then left, completely oblivious that the band tasked with heralding his arrival just called him a dickhead while the entire nation was watching. We like to think that he kind of liked the way it made him seem all powerful and shit, and set up his palace so that it plays every time he enters a room.

#4. Putting Your Extramarital Affair on a Billboard

YaVaughnie Wilkins's life was practically a modern-day fairy tale. For eight years, she was the girlfriend of business tycoon Charles Phillips, president of Oracle software and member of president Obama's Economic Recovery Advisory Board.

Via CBS News
Awwwwww ...

The problem was, Phillips was married, and had been the entire time that they were together. No one knows whether or not YaVaughnie was aware of her boyfriend's marital status.

What should have been clear to Phillips were the red flags that were waving as early as 2004, when YaVaughnie wrote an essay in which she urged men "to be cognizant of the devastating penalties for making the mistake of loving a woman and at some point changing his [sic] mind."

"In defense of men," she continued, "there should be a law that prevents them from marrying before taking a class and passing tests that they understand [sic] that 'till death do us part' and 'as long as we both shall live' is more often than not, a delusion."

Via Weekly Blitz
The essay appeared in I'm Fucking Crazy magazine.

Six years later, YaVaughnie finally decided to call shenanigans on Phillips' two-timing ways ... which she did by plastering giant billboards across New York, Atlanta and San Francisco broadcasting their relationship to the world in script font right out of a romantic comedy. There was the photo of the two in blissful embrace, and a syrupy quote attributed to Charles: "You are my soulmate forever!"

And, as the spiteful little cherry atop this three-story-tall revenge sundae, the billboards also directed people to a website that YaVaughnie had filled with photographs documenting their eight-year relationship. Total amount spent on the billboards and website: $250,000.

Via Examiner.com
For an extra thousand, she could've had her arm wave.

Although the billboards were removed after only a few days, Phillips was forced to admit to the relationship, issuing a public statement that said, merely, "I had an 8 and a half year serious relationship with YaVaughnie Wilkins. My divorce proceedings began in 2008. The relationship with Ms. Wilkins has since ended and we both wish each other well."

Via Wikimedia Commons
And by 'wish each other well,' I of course mean that I hope she gets eaten by sharks.

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