8 Terrifying Skeletons of Adorable Animals
Skeletons are kind of scary. Or at least, they used to be. They were a horror staple back in the day, but they've become anachronistic and kind of goofy now. They're right up there with wart-nosed witches and sheet ghosts on the scare-o-meter. But that's just because we've been looking at the wrong skeletons. As with everything, it's really the cute creatures that are harboring the true horror, just beneath the skin ...
#8.
Cthulhu!
Looks Like:
This is like something that crawled out of the deepest depths of the Bermuda Triangle, most likely from the wreckage of an ancient alien spacecraft from a distant planet that has evolved beyond compassion and mercy.
But Actually is...
Via We love platypuses: They have the grace of a duck, the furriness of an otter and the lethal poison-injecting feet of, uh ... what was that from again, platypus? But all that affection is gone now that we know they're packing a pair of industrial-size shears inside their goddamn heads. The playtpus' inexplicable existence has always been arguably the best evidence for the absence of an intelligent and loving creator within the universe. But now that we know the platypus has been hiding gargantuan mandibles inside its face this whole time, a few things have changed. Now we're sure of two things:
1. God absolutely does exist.
2. He's easily the best horror writer working today.
#7.
Night of the Thing That Should Not Be!
Looks Like:
How should a man react when he finds a thing like this in the woods, reeking of death metal and Satan? Would you crack it open to free the imprisoned souls of the orphans that it no doubt contains? Or rub it three times to summon an apocalypse genie who will grant you an army of zombies? Or just run home, grab your Teddy bear and cuddle the shakes away?
But Actually is...
Via Oh God, look at that son of a bitch. He's the daintiest, most adorable little motherfucker in existence. He's so cute he's kind of making us mad. He's the animal equivalent of Tiny Tim. He might be small, but you just know he has big dreams.
That cute bastard, and the owner of that terrifying skull up there, is a muntjac deer. They're a small breed native to South Asia but have spread all throughout the world, as far as Japan and even England. And it's easy to see why: You'd take that overwhelmingly cute little fuckhead anywhere. You'd name him Carl, and he'd wear tiny turtlenecks. And then, when you finally got back to your native land, he would strip off his skin, play a bitchin' guitar riff and raise his army of hell-bangers from beneath the Earth. And you know what? You'd still kind of love him. He's just ... he's in your heart now, y'know?
#6.
The Bogeyman Cometh!
Via Looks Like:
Just when we thought everything was right with the world, we find something straight out of Guillermo del Toro's private nightmare factory. We've already decided two things about the previous owner of this skull: It could taste fear, and it drank children.
But Actually is...
OK, so actually not the most terrifying creature in the whole of existence ...
Getty
But compared against the cuteness of the animal it came from, that skull is so fucking unsettling that the very concepts of ratios and percentages fled in terror when we tried to use them to quantify it. There's not even a good reason that Bugs here needs a jawline shaped like the bastard child of a squid and an eagle. Lettuce and the occasional piece of carrot are all these little fluffy bastards eat, and we handle both of those things pretty well with our nonfreaky teeth, and almost completely without the use of razor-sharp superfluous beaks, thanks.
#5.
Day of the Cyclops!
Via Looks Like:
People are always pointing to signs that the end is near. For some, it's pollution and global warming. For others, it's wars and plagues. But we're a little more optimistic than that. No, for us to truly accept doomsday, we'd have to see something like ... we don't know, maybe a giant goddamn Cyclops skull.
But Actually is...
Getty
Yep, that horrific destroyer of worlds is in fact just a lovable ol' rumbly-tumbly elephant -- the huge hole is where their trunk goes, their eyes are on the side. Who knew they be hidin' such freaky-ass head bones beneath that wizened visage? Hell, even the elephants are freaked out by their own skulls, to the extent that they've been shown to recognize and pay homage to the skulls of their own species. This is either out of a sense of mourning or a sense that they'd better not run the risk of pissing off whatever the hell that thing use to be.
Via animal.discovery.com
"Argh! Kill it again! Kill ittt."
If you believe a couple of paleontologists, the Greeks came up with the myth of the Cyclops because they discovered the skulls of prehistoric elephants in places like Cyprus, Crete, Malta and Sicily. That's right: The goddamn Spartans were so scared after finding these bones that the only logical conclusion they could come up with was that a gang of fucking immortal man-eating monsters used to live there, and they should probably get back to the boats before they came home.
I freaking love platypi. But for some reason the first thing that comes to my mind is secret agents. Hm.
Reply:: belatedly :: The maxilla is only the primary lower-face (but above the lower jaw) bone. The bones never completely fuse together, instead forming "puzzle" structures of sorts, attaching at the sutures. In a fully mature adult (in their 40s or beyond, in this case), the bones can be right up against eachother, but ultimately, they are not a part of eachother. In young adults (under 30), the bones are separated by thin "sheets" of a dense fibrous connective tissue that is aptly named "Fibrous Connective Tissue Proper." Where Proper means that it wears lovely gowns to the ball, and never forgets to curtsy.
ReplyIncredible. Hippos are freakin' DEADLY.
ReplyYep. Deadliest animal in Africa.
And Killer Whales are dicks.
whoever who made those drawings... he (or hopefully,she) is awesome.
ReplyHippos are scary, though.
ReplyThat's what I was thinking they are some of the most viscous animals on the planet from what I have gathered from many various reputable places.
Right on aba1. My fear of animals directly corresponds to their viscosity.
The actual killer whale skull looks creepier.
ReplyFail. #3 is a Blue Whale skeleton.
ReplyGreat article + nifty artwork btw.
ReplyPlatypii are adorable but also poisonous and quite aggressive, so you probably shouldn't discount the fact that they actually are Cthulhu, or at least some sort of cosmic terror in embryonic form. Cthulhu is all-knowing and reality-warping, so he should be able to cobble together some sort of decent disguise.
Also: Owl- MOnkey!! That's the absolute best idea for a genetic engineered animal ever. if anybody wants to genetically engineer an owl/monkey hybrid -or just sew an owl's beak and wings onto a small, large-eyed monkey- please be aware I would pay handsomely for such a creature, particularly if you were willing to create an army of them and train them to disembowel my enemies.
These enemies wouldn't happen to be a wimpy lion, a robot hoping to gain empathy, a straw man looking for knowledge and girl from kansas and her small canine pet would it?
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Replythats the trouble with reconstructing an animal using only the skeleton, its hard to guess what the soft bits looked like
ReplyCreepy skulls, still the most adorable animals ever!
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ReplyAs opposed to all those adorable skeletons out there?
ReplyWe call those ones skemmies.
The artwork for this is fantastic, and the entries are hilarious. Now if only my inner zoologist would shut up about how that's not a killer whale skeleton at all.
Replywell that's not nice, just just sayin it ain't then not tellin what it is. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.
I'm in no way educated in this, but from the pictures I've seen it looks like maybe a blue whale skeleton. It's certainly not an orca; anyone who's ever seen a picture of Shamu can tell these bones are from a WAY bigger whale (look how tiny those people are!).
Clearly, the skull contains the soul. Since monkeys are little bastards, rabbits castrate each other with those f*****g teeth, and hippos are the most dangerous damn animals ever.
ReplyThe most dangerous game is man. I should know, I've been hunting them for years.
That's one of my favorite short stories.
Hippos are really incredibly aggressive and territorial. One time Steve Erwin had to cross a river in Africa full of hippos, he said it was the scariest moment of his life the man who wrestled alligators and handled poisonous snakes with ease knew enough about hippos to be scared of them.
ReplyYou know you're hardcore when other animals clean your teeth.
I'm sure someone has noted that Sandworm Death Strike would be a great band name.
ReplyIn their debut album, ''Coming up for you!''
Agreed, also sounds like a character in some B list sci-fi novel/movie
Rabbits eat hay! Those be big ole grinding teeth in the back. They also chew by swiping the grinding teeth side to side, so it's kind of like a crazy slicing grinding torture pit. If you're grass, or hay or whatever.
ReplyOr an armored knight, an old lady doing laundry, or a snake...
Hei gais, guess which article I came from?
There is nothing cute about orcas or dolphins. They disembowel sharks FOR FUN.
ReplyAlright, so there's nothing cute about them, there's something f*****g awesome about them!