How to Be a Good Husband During 'Lady Times' [COMIC]
Basic Instructions is a twice weekly updating web comic that offers absurd advice on how to live your life. Some of those updates will be happening here on Cracked.
Previously Scott has taught us How to Take 15 Minutes to Make One Simple Decision and How to Tell If She's Into You Or High On Cough Syrup.
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I remember when I had to pick up some tampons for a female coworker, I was trying to make sure no on saw me (I was 17). When a guy friend called me from across the store, I got startled and knocked the entire display over.
ReplyJeez ladies, chill and take a Midol.
ReplyDerailing at it's finest.
Plus, I'm absolutely confused as to why you concluded that the best way to respond to women upset about sexism was with sexism.
Hell, if my lady asked me to go to the store for her and buy what she needed, I wouldn't dress it up. Myself or what I'd say. I'm obviously a guy, and if someone tries to poke fun I'd agree with them. "Yeah, it's pretty heavy and I ran out. Damn my vagina."
ReplyYeah, this "embarassed to buy tampons" thing is pretty weird.
"I'm so ashamed to be dating a woman in between the ages of 10 and 50! God, what a pathetic waste of life I am! Better that I should die."
This is the worst comments section in the history of comments section. I usually never go through the comments section but I made the BIG mistake of going through the first few comments and then like a self feeding horror-disgust vortex they sucked me in forcing me to read more and more until all the joy I had ever experienced died a horrible whining induced death. f**k menstruation.
ReplyThis comment saved me from the suction. I read one or two comments and began to feel the pull, but remembered this man's pain, and was able to resist.
"I'll start assembling a disguise." Ha
ReplyI'm glad my periods are rather tolerable. I get a cramp once in a blue moon
ReplyWell, I liked it. Good advice for any man. Note to commenters, birth control had a lot of awful side effects that I didn't realize were caused by it for many years. My ladytimes got much easier after having four kids. You should try it!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI'd much rather have horrible periods than four children. I like my vagina the way it is, I really do.
That said, birth control pills don't cause side effects in everyone and are, in general, safe to take for long periods of time. I've been on the pill for years and I've never had any side effects at all. Plus, I have one or two day periods that are hardly there. Birth control FTW.
I don't understand why so many women get so emotional before or during their periods, though. Yeah, some girls get bad cramps, but that is not an excuse to act out at all.
It's called having hormones. They affect everyone differently- your personal experience doesn't define that of ~50% of the population.
I'm going to have to agree with Miss Riddle. They aren't that bad, get over it.
I know this is really f*****g late for a reply, but I guess I'll do so anyway.
Andromeda, I never said that my experience applied to the majority. I have no clue where you came up with that conclusion.
Yes, I realize that some girls have worse/different periods than me. This is not the point of my post. A girl who experiences a normal range of hormone fluxuations is perfectly capable of controlling her emotions. Yes, she might experience some irritation, sadness, and loneliness the week before her period (remember, THIS is when PMS is said to occur), but these random surges of feelings are controllable. I don't see how these random surges are somehow excusable because they were caused by hormones rather than, say, a fight with a boyfriend. It's never okay to vent your frustrations on unsuspecting victims who did not cause your feelings whether said feelings were caused by hormones or not. Now, some women have PMDD, and that is an ENTIRELY different matter, as the mood swings and etc are definitely more severe.
So, no, 'PMS' is not an excuse to act irrationally emotional. Men have occasional surges of hormones too, and these surges affect their moods just as well. Sorry ladies, but you don't get a pass on this one.
Now, I'm not saying that no one has a hard/difficult/severe period and you certainly have a right to complain about horrible cramps. Complaining and acting irrationally angry are two different matters, however. There are also many, many options for cramps, some that are over the counter. I realize that they do not always fix the problem, but even a little help might be good. If you can't afford a doctor, I recommend that you try the health center/planned parenthood in your area. If you can prove that you are lower income, you can get very cheap/possibly free birth control.
There's also a current theory that suggests PMS in general is nothing more than myth created to oppress women. It's pretty interesting whether you agree with it or not. After all, hormone surges aren't unique to women or periods.
@ KatelynBriggs: Actually, that's extremely unhealthy. You need to have a period at least every three months, and birth control is supposed to help you regulate your cycles... After the three month mark, you're highly susceptible to ovarian cancer... You should get checked out...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMeggy, that's not true at all. Stop it.
There are certain forms of medical birth control that can stop periods all together, such as implants. While there are some serious risks with such, not having a period while using them is actually a pretty normal thing and isn't a serious issue.
sounds like a big hassle. I prefer condoms
Meggy that's completely wrong.
When birth control pills were originally made it was decided women should keep having their periods because a) male scientists thought women would go crazy without them for some reason and b) they're a handy monthly sign that you're not pregnant.
I haven't had a period in a year. It's called birth control.
ReplyEnjoy realizing you don't love your husband when you go off birth control and the way you respond to virtually every biological signal he puts off does a 180.
It annoys me to hear all this whining about the menstrual cycle's pain. Isn't that what Midol is for?
ReplyI like some of the comments I see written by females. Indeed, women should not get all pissy because men don't understand- how are we supposed to? What, you want your boyfriend to get a f**king vagina for a week?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd as for nutkicking, for any who don't understand, it's usually not that bad when it's kicked.
No, the real worry is when you pinch it between something and your leg- that'll immobilize your leg for a whole day.
excuse me getting kicked is the worst pain in this world. i would literally rather get shot in the foot than get kicked square in the nuts. ive even heard of cases where the pain is so bad that people have gone in to shock and died
+1 Getting kicked square in the crotch is unimaginably painful. Anyone who says otherwise has simply never experienced it.
A pain a regularly dished out when I was a young 'un- mostly through a liking for playground football and shockingly poor co-ordination. Only I could go for a tackle and end up kicking the wrong ball...
1 day a month? More like 5 days to a whole week! Damn uterus! =(
Replyf**kin' A
ReplyIts really not like getting kicked in the balls, more like punched in the stomach... For me at least.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'd say it's more like getting kicked in the small of your back... repeatedly... for days at a time.
You know that builder's injection foam that swells up? For me it's like having that injected into my uterus. I spose the nearest thing for guys is sort of having that injected around your lower intestine.
Umm, that is exactly what being kicked in the balls does, at least to me. It isn't an intense pain that centers on the testes (or not just that). It migrates up to your stomach, and makes you feel like you need to throw up and cry... PE was not a fun time for me while I attended school...
I paid $32.67 for a XBOX 360 and my mom got a 17 inch Toshiba laptop for $94.83 being delivered to our house tomorrow by FedEX. I will never again pay expensive retail prices at stores. I even sold a 46 inch HDTV to my boss for $650 and it only cost me $52.78 to get. Here is the website we using to get all this stuff, FullBids.com
ReplyDamn you, spam bots!
Eh.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesPeriods really aren't that bad. A heat pack and some tea are usually good enough for me.
Lucky you :P
Are you sure that you're a woman?
Actually, most women are like this. I do think it's funny how all the women who experience painful cramping etc. assume that everyone else has the same experience.
I've never dated one of the "heat pack and tea" ones, only the "leave for a week or I will destroy you" ones. Is there some kind of radar system I can employ? A "my periods don't cause me to fly into a demon rampage" Facebook group?
Meh. Even though I'm female I don't understand this. If you're having cramps or a headache just take tylenol, what are you a Christian Scientist or some s**t? And be responsible for buying your own f**king supply of tampons or pads. It's not your man's problem!
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesYou must be the lucky ones that have it easy. I don't have mood swings but in truth for any guy to understand the pain I feel I would have to repeatedly kick them in the nuts for two days straight. Tylenol doesn't do anything, that stuff is weak. The prescription meds hardly takes the edge off, which is why I'm switching to bc to avoid the damn ordeal all together. When it comes down to it, I doubt many guys would be prepared to make a trip to the store for whatever if they were simultaneously being kicked in the nads, I'm just saying. Also, what does being a "Christian Scientist??.."....have to do with anything?
@ Cyrielle Are your cramps bad enough to have you curled into a fetal position in pain for an entire day? If so, then we are one in the same. Also, try ibuprofen; it beats the hell out of Tylenol, and disregard the instructions that tell you to take one. I take 2 or 3 every four hours, and now my "lady times" are practically pain-free.
@ Rachael Lulz...Christian Scientists. And I agree: ladies, suck up and get them tampons your damn self.
Seriously, women love to compare periods to being kicked in the balls. If that were the case, you wouldn't be able to MOVE for several days, much less talk, eat, or anything else. Hell, i doubt you'd be able to breathe. Don't compare your pain to something you have never and will never experience.
Being kicked in the balls repeatedly You probably wouldnt be able to do anything. At all. You would probably be on the floor screaming the entire day. Which I doubt is like having a period.
You'd be surprised, some days I can barely move because of cramps, back pain and nausea.
I don't deal with the cramps like that, but mine are irregular. Try bleeding heavily for 3wks straight - go through a super plus in 10 minutes. You don't have to cramp for it to suck ass royally. And a guy could imagine that. Try having diarrhea for 3wks straight - no pain, just constantly needing to use the bathroom to re-cork it. I'm thankful that I don't usually have them at all. I consider it a privilege.
Mary, if ibuprofen can rid you of your pain, you don't experience severe pain at ALL. That's not bad pain. Suck it up.
Bad cramps are still no reason to become emotional, though. That's not an excuse. I had a cyst and had horrible cramps before I got on the pill, and yet I somehow managed to avoid any mood swings or hysterics and buy my own tampons. Imagine that. Plus, if you know that you're going to get horrible cramps, why wouldn't you buy your stuff beforehand?
ive been kicked so hard that i was puking hours later
Um, if all of your pain goes away with Tylenol then I'm very happy for you. Not everybody is that lucky. And last time I checked, the Church is okay with us taking pain medication
Miss Riddle: Everyone has a different kind of pain threshold. Perhaps yours is much higher than mine, I don't know; but if you don't believe me when I say that without medicine my cramps make me literally near immobilized, then there's nothing I else I have to contribute to this conversation, other than asking you to take my word for it (which you obviously don't).
I'm going to share something with you, and I want you to honestly tell me whether or not it is strange that I think this. A lot of the time, I wish men had a period just like women, because that way, there would be no rude back and forth discussions between men and women about who has it worse and how-you-should-act-because-you-don't-know-what-it's-like type discussions, or the "you're not happy so you must be on your period, and not at all because I did something wrong" type attitudes. I dunno. Then again, we could all just be grown-ups, but that is impossible.
ReplyNot gonna lie: that is strange, but at the same time, sweet of you to think so. Seriously, what are you playing at?
Honestly, yeah, it's unfair to the girls cause they have to endure it and everything, but it's also unfair to the guys because we get hit with "Ugh you don't know what it's like, you're lucky to be a guy" and patronized even though it's not our fault and we have no way of knowing what it's like.
Lady Times? I call it "b*****b week."
Replyone day a month? try 7...
Replyyeah, it's a friggin 1/4 of our lives. if my husband remarked that it was just one day,... oh, he would be in trouble. His job for the first two days is to make sad faces and get me water and pain killers every few hours. And if he gives me tablets instead of liquid jells... oh, he's going to be in trouble. No, but seriously, my husband is fairly good at this except when I am crying in agony and he asks what's wrong?... like I need a new reason to cry 20 minutes after I said I'm on my rag. pfhhh.