The 7 Most Needlessly Terrifying Pieces of Heavy Machinery

If you never dreamed of driving a huge tank fitted with a giant chainsaw while growing up, then congratulations on having been a well-adjusted kid. As for the rest of us? Well, people like us grew up and built these machines for real. That's why right this moment, somebody somewhere is behind the wheel of ...

#7.
The Chain Trencher, aka Chainsaw Tank

This looks like a battle tank used to fight a Cyclops, or a giant chainsaw with tank treads (which is exactly what you would use to fight a Cyclops). Either way, we imagine it can push its way through gridlocked traffic in spectacular fashion.

What It Is:

Actually, this one is exactly what it looks like -- a giant goddamn chainsaw with wheels. The chain trencher makes large gashes in the earth, usually used for laying pipe (heh).


Also, there are giant man-portable trenchers. The Warhammer guys totally called that one.

Vermeer, the company that manufactures the trencher shown above, makes models that can dig trenches up to 18 feet deep and four-feet wide, which is roughly the size of a fat giant. But that pales in comparison to the Tesmec 1675, shown in this video ...


Imagine all that dirt was Nazis, and you'll have some idea of how awesome our Wolverine screenplay is.

... which at its deepest can dig down 24 feet and as wide as 5 feet. This should give you a good foothold for building a subterranean lair.


It also kind of looks like a giant robot chainsaw penis.

Now, as terrifying as it looks, it can only go through dirt -- it won't help you cut through solid rock. No, for that you'd need ...

#6.
The Rock Wheel, aka God's Circular Saw

This looks like something The Shredder built to rob banks, or a vehicle from a future world where the only currency is violence.

What It Is:

A rock wheel. It's basically a giant circular saw on treads, and it's used to cut trenches through concrete, asphalt and, you guessed it, solid rock. So really, robbing a bank still seems like a practical application.

Seriously, this has never been written into a movie before? Villain uses one of these to saw into Fort Knox and take all the gold? Hell, we're surprised nobody has done that in real life.

We're not saying the rock wheel will give you a better shot at taking over the world, we're just saying we don't understand the point of taking over the world if it doesn't give you the opportunity to own things like this.

Via Ky MacPherson
You can't look at this and not scheme.

#5.
The Walking Harvester, aka the Tree-Eating Robo-Spider

This thing will poach your nightmares with its horrible claw and fling them screaming back into your face. We expect that at any second, Ewoks will emerge and start throwing rocks at it. It looks like it should be guarding Dick Jones at OCP headquarters, ready to throw a goddamn tree at RoboCop's head. Really, it looks like anything but a lumberjack.

What It Is:

A lumberjack, more or less. Existing logging machinery can't get into every place that trees grow. The idea behind the Plustech/Timberjack walking harvester is that it can cross terrain that a machine with wheels or treads wouldn't be able to and clear out trees like a giant green Jean-Claude Van Damme in a head-kicking contest.


Go ahead. Try to take those logs from him.

Also, the harvester won't tear up the ground around it like a track or wheel, making it about as environmentally conscious as a machine designed for eating a forest can be. Currently it's only a prototype, and there aren't any others in existence, but the benefits of walking technology almost guarantee it a place in future machinery, not just in forestry but in other applications, such as construction and the military.


Also, this.

#4.
The Feller Buncher, aka the Tree-Ripping Mega Claw

Obviously, this is a robot brontosaurus with a saw on its head. Left to fend for itself, it satisfies its bloodlust by bursting into two-bedroom houses, holding the occupants down with its mighty claw and shearing their faces off. An army of these could conquer the world using nothing but fear, because anybody who looks at one would assume that conventional weapons are useless against it. And trying to hide from one in the forest is clearly ridiculous, so really, the mountains or a desert would be humanity's best hope for survival.

Via tigercat.com
The word "hope" feels so meaningless when you stare into the face of a feller buncher.

What It Is:

The feller buncher, like the Timberjack, is a logging harvester. It cuts through trees like grass -- and we're not exaggerating. It takes less than a second to bite through a tree trunk, and it can cut through them in bunches, grabbing one after another in its massive claw. It really does need to be seen in action.

At 20 seconds, the feller buncher starts cutting down its first tree. Before 21 seconds, the tree has been cut through and is securely in the grip of the machine. At 25 seconds, the machine starts on the second tree, and by 26 seconds that tree has been lopped down and secured. Two trees in six goddamn seconds. Somewhere, Captain Planet just shit his pants.

Not that he had anything left in his bowels if he previously saw ...