4Dexter's Laboratory: "Dexter's Rude Removal"
Throughout the course of the series, Dexter's Laboratory was no stranger to "adult humor," sneaking in sly references to things only Mom and Dad would understand. But there are subtle, racy allusions, and then there's the secret unaired episode, "Dexter's Rude Removal," in which Dexter's sister straight-up calls him a "skull-fucking douchebag."
No images exist of this episode, so here's a skull-fucking douchebag.
The episode was designed as a treat for adult fans of the show, reserved exclusively for comics conventions and other special occasions, and has never been (and will never be, according to series creator Genndy Tartakovsky) aired on television. As a result, only a few people claim to have seen it. The episode is so peppered with explicit profanity that South Park would blush, and Cartoon Network won't touch it even for a late-night time slot, when it can pretty much air an interspecies orgy with the cast of Madagascar and get away with it.
Hey human, wanna smush?
These kinds of in-house gags aren't exactly new. As far back as the 1930s, Warner Bros. was amusing itself by making Porky Pig swear. But what makes Dexter stand out is just how far they went. The plot involves Dexter inadvertently creating evil clones of himself and his sister Dee Dee, and for the rest of the episode, the clones unleash a torrent of profanity at each other while flipping off and mooning the audience. At one point, while eating dinner, clone Dexter tells his mother "this shit is fucking great," after which clone Dee Dee scolds him for "fucking cursing in front of fucking Mom."
At which point Dexter bopped her on the head.
So where can you find a copy of this? Well, it looks like you can't. Even with Cracked's powerful connections within the comedy industry, Genndy and Cartoon Network are keeping it pretty tightly under wraps. But really, it's only a matter of time until someone leaks it onto YouTube. After all, if the U.S. government can't suppress an alien autopsy video, what hope does Cartoon Network have?
3The Original Shrek, Starring Chris Farley
Shrek was a surprise smash hit, leading to three (or maybe it's four? We kind of lost track) sequels, various spin-offs and minor depression in people who liked the first two and decided to see the others. But the Shrek we know is almost unrecognizable from its original inception many years earlier as a vehicle for Chris Farley.
And we all know how Chris Farley treated vehicles.
The film is actually loosely based on a children's book by William Steig called Shrek!, a title so exciting it demanded an exclamation point. The book detailed the coming-of-age story of a young ogre. After Steven Spielberg bought the rights, it was in development hell for years -- it was at one point intended to be a hand-drawn film, then stop-motion animation and finally, motion-capture like Avatar.
Farley was hired to play the lead, who at this point was a shy and sensitive ogre still living with his parents and being pressured into the family business of scaring people. The glowing review from DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg was, "It looked terrible, it didn't work, it wasn't funny and we didn't like it." That wasn't Farley's fault -- by all accounts he did an astounding job recording 95 percent of the film's dialogue before he passed away.
Instead of trying to patch up the remaining audio with a soundalike, the studio decided to let Farley's legacy lie and recast the role with fellow SNL alum Mike Myers. Myers had only one minor request -- a total Page 1 rewrite, radically changing the story and changing Shrek from shy, sensitive and Chris Farley-esque to an older, curmudgeonly misanthrope. It wasn't the last ridiculous demand that he would make -- after years of production and before Shrek hit cinemas, Myers changed his mind about the dialogue and asked if he could start all over again with a Scottish accent, a request we imagine was followed by five straight minutes of disbelieving stares.
"Also, Smashmouth songs. All over the goddamn place."
Luckily for DreamWorks, Myers really seemed to know what he was talking about. A film that Katzenberg admitted was 90 minutes of slow, agonizing train wreck became a smash hit at the box office and beat Pixar to the Oscar. But somewhere, deep in the vaults of DreamWorks Animation, there are locked away the Shrek recordings that Chris Farley made, presumably next to the Ark of the Covenant and all those novels J.D. Salinger wrote in New Hampshire when he wasn't drinking his own urine.