6 Pieces of Music That Mean The Opposite of What You Think
If you're like some Cracked readers, you own an extensive collection of classical music that you listen to during one of your daily top hat parties or afternoon pipe appraisal sessions. This article isn't for you.
For the rest of you, while you may not be that familiar with all classical music, surely some pieces have reached you after becoming absorbed by pop culture. Some are used in movies, or TV shows, or really intense Super Bowl promos, but the point is, they're everywhere today. You can hum them on cue, you get them stuck in your head, and you have entirely mistaken ideas regarding their meanings. They almost certainly include:
#6.
"Here Comes the Bride" (aka "Bridal Chorus" by Wagner)
Why You Know It:
The title "Bridal Chorus" might not stick in your head, but surely "Here Comes the Bride" does, unless you've never been to a wedding or seen one on television or have been completely removed from pop culture for your entire life. It's been played by everything from pipe organs to a full kazoo orchestra as the bride walks down the aisle. When you hear it, you know the bride is on her way, probably all dressed in white, and that a wonderful, loving wedding is about to take place.
Followed by a few hours in whichever motel is closest to the church.
The Original Context:
Mass murder.
The tune comes from the opera Lohengrin, where the "Bridal Chorus" is actually sung to the heroine Elsa and her new husband, Lohengrin, by her handmaidens after the wedding, not before! Hah! That's a pretty wacky misunderstanding. People have been getting that wrong for years! Oh, and after that song, Lohengrin murders the fuck out of five wedding guests before ditching Elsa.
So yeah. World War II makes a little more sense now.
Wait, What?
Lohengrin is not a happy opera, as you probably could have guessed from all that murdering Lohengrin did. The marriage lasts all of two songs, after which Lohengrin abandons Elsa, and opera being opera, Elsa dies of grief. So the organ music you hear at a wedding is less celebratory and more like an ominous, foreshadowy, shit's-bout-to-go-down sort of thing. They might as well play the theme from Jaws.
It's pretty much not a wedding until someone pulls a sword.
#5.
The "Hallelujah Chorus" from Messiah by Handel
Why You Know It:
Like the "Wedding March," the associations of the "Hallelujah Chorus" are now the stuff of pop culture legend. It's that grand, epic, joyful song where what sounds like an assload of people scream-sing "HALLELUJAH" at the top of their lungs. It's used in joyful religious movies, it's used hyperbolically whenever something good happens in silly movies or cartoons, and you may have even hummed it to yourself after some minor personal victory. Hell, turn on your TV right now -- Oscar Mayer has been using it in a commercial for sliced turkey, and you can probably catch it right this second.
If this product takes off, Thanksgiving 2011 could see as much as a 40 percent drop in holiday-related knife fights.
Most people, of course, know that it's actually about Jesus (not turkey). It's probably Christmas music, or maybe Easter, right?
The Original Context:
Well, no, not exactly. The "Hallelujah Chorus" is all about Jesus -- it comes from Messiah, a choral work entirely about Jesus Christ -- but the "Hallelujah Chorus" is pretty much the soundtrack for his second visit to Earth.
This one.
It's the end of the world as Jesus knows it, and he feels like reigning from a monstrous black cloud while we all collapse below in various states of undress.
Wait, What?
There's a very explicit timeline to Messiah. Every piece of music is about part of Christ's life, from start to finish to ... after finish. The "Hallelujah Chorus" draws its lyrics from the Book of Revelations, widely acknowledged as the "Shit Goes Crazy" portion of the Bible. We're all cheering and scream-singing while Jesus ends the world around us. Hell, the section of the show after this song plays is called "The Aftermath."
Which is apparently when Jesus gets stabbed in the neck by Seattle's Space Needle.
It is said that when he'd completed "Hallelujah," Handel was found crying and clutching the music. When his assistant asked what was wrong, Handel held up the score and said, "I thought I saw the face of God." Yeah. That'd scare the shit out of us, too.
In fairness, Handel was kind of a drama queen.
#4.
"O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff
Why You Know It:
Looking for terrifyingly dramatic music to score your vampire movie? Desperate to find a song that will induce pants-shitting to throw on top of your TV show about the end of the world? Did you find footage of a cute kitten and want to make a funny video by juxtaposing it with trumpets and nonsensical (Latin) screaming? Then "O Fortuna" is what you want. You recognize it from movies, commercials or shows that didn't want anyone to miss how motherfucking dramatic they were. It gets used in political ads so often that Rachel Maddow plays it for laughs on her MSNBC show. If "I am very serious" was a song, it would be "O Fortuna."
This is the original album art. We're not certain, but it looks like somebody's about to get laid.
The Original Context:
While the music was written in the 20th century, all of the lyrics of Carmina Burana are taken from over 200 medieval poems that are about a) unrequited love, b) how lame the church is, c) like, the government, man, or d) drinking. If that sounds like high school, emo poetry that's because it totally freaking is.
The last line is, "Everyone weep with me!"
Wait, What?
The hyperdramatic "O Fortuna" is just a totally badass song that got saddled with a kinda goofy poem written by some medieval student. The lyrics are about gambling and having bad luck and losing your shirt. It's sort of like setting "Achy-Breaky Heart" for the full orchestra and chorus. And it's all arranged and put together by a really weird German who wanted to celebrate "the triumph of the human spirit through sexual and holistic balance." (Pro Tip: German sexual and holistic balance in the 1930s was not something you wanted to get on you.)
WHAT THE FUCK?!
ReplyIf O Fortuna is "emo poetry", then Pink Floyd is insane stoned rambling (which is actually the description for Oasis, so that is totally wrong!). It is f*****g serious poetry, about how no man, no matter how powerful, brave or virtuous, has ever been able to challenge his destiny/luck/fortune. Here's the translation that Wikipedia will give you:
O Fortuna
velut luna
statu variabilis,
semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.
Sors immanis
et inanis,
rota tu volubilis,
status malus,
vana salus
semper dissolubilis,
obumbrata
et velata
michi quoque niteris;
nunc per ludum
dorsum nudum
fero tui sceleris.
Sors salutis
et virtutis
michi nunc contraria,
est affectus
et defectus
semper in angaria.
Hac in hora
sine mora
corde pulsum tangite;
quod per sortem
sternit fortem,
mecum omnes plangite!
O Fortune,
variable
as the moon,
always dost thou
wax and wane.
Detestable life,
first dost thou mistreat us,
and then, whimsically,
thou heedest our desires.
As the sun melts the ice,
so dost thou dissolve
both poverty and power.
Monstrous
and empty fate,
thou, turning wheel,
art mean,
voiding
good health at thy will.
Veiled
in obscurity,
thou dost attack
me also.
To thy cruel pleasure
I bare my back.
Thou dost withdraw
my health and virtue;
thou dost threaten
my emotion
and weakness
with torture.
At this hour,
therefore, let us
pluck the strings without
delay.
Let us mourn together,
for fate crushes the brave.
It's pretty dramatic and existential- which is precisely what emo poetry is like.
Why wasn't "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Julian Fucik even mentioned? That's got to be the most 'opposite'-meaning piece of music currently played.
ReplyIt's available on youtube.
I simply can't accept that anyone, American or otherwise, could possibly believe that the 1812 was NOT about Napoleon's invasion of Russia.
ReplyThe Hallelujah Chorus is supposed to be a celebration after God rids the entire world of all evil, which is kind of the point of apocalyptic literature. I don't take the predictions too literally, but Revelation was it was originally meant to encourage the early Christians under Nero (those who were being fed to lions and such). It was meant to say, in the words of my pastor "it's going to get worse but then it's going to get better, so everybody get a grip, ok?"
ReplyExactly. It *was* meant to be a joyous occasion, so it doesn't really belong here.
"Oh, and after that song, Lohengrin murders the f**k out of five wedding guests before ditching Elsa."
ReplyLohengrin attacks people sent to murder him. He "ditches" Elsa because she broke the one condition under which he married her, thereby losing the one thing Lohengrin demanded of her, which was faith in their love.
I know this is an exaggeration for the sake of humour. And I also know no Cracked fan will actually care. But if you're going to write something like this, at least try to base it somewhat on fact, then it'll be funnier, instead of pandering to the thoughtless dolts who were already in guffaw mode before they opened the page.
OMG!!!(!!) You just blinded me with your ridiculously basic knowledge of a single opera that in no way could have been found on Wikipedia.
FYI: The language the author uses is technically true. Lohengrin killed a bunch people and then left Elsa. The info given was accurate, concise, and got the point across. Did you want a whole irrelevant summary of a complicated opera that ends with a swan turning into Elsa's long-lost brother? Before you start insulting the "dolts" in "guffaw mode" (really?), you should probably know what the hell you're talking about. I sense somehow, however, that your comment was less about providing criticism or information and more about trying to show the world how smart and sophisticated you are (which is unfortunate, considering you seem to know as much about opera as you know about comedy).
i like how the fact that Wagner was batshit insane and ripped a lot of British folk music wasn't mentioned
Replytoo bad you couldn't throw a contemporary song in with this list, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine
ReplyWhy do SOOOO many people use Green Day's Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) in weddings? Do they not notice the first part of the title? It's about a break up and saying "fine, go, good riddance, see if I care about all the memories we built together!" It'd be like using You Outta Know haha
this was such a cool article! :)
People use Green Day music at their weddings? I grow more depressed every day.
Church organ music generally creeps me out in any context. I'm not surprised.
ReplyHow about "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss? Thanks to the 2001: A Space Odyssey movie, most people think it represents the birth or the beginning of something kick-ass big or important. While the wikipedia article says it was inspired by the book of the same name by Friedrich Nietzsche, which "deals with ideas such as the eternal recurrence of the same, the parable on the death of God, and the prophecy of the Übermensch"
ReplySo, it really is a WTF fest.
No mention of "Walking on the Sun" by Smash Mouth? You know, the song used in advertisements despite being a satirization of capitalism and advertising?
ReplyWell somebody sold them the rights. Satirically, perhaps?
thanks, but no thanks. i'm going to continue to think that "o fortuna" is about men in armor fighting on horses with broadswords...blood and mud splattering all over...with beautiful damsels wearing nothing sitting at home in the palace being "attended to" by their handmaidens. yep, when i listen to "o fortuna" i feel a little tingle in my dingle...and i like it.
Replyas for the war horse, 1812 overture, it's the horn fifths that make that what it is. think the theme from "masterpiece theater" on steroids.
Dude, it really IS about that. Well, something close to that (and more scary and intense, perhaps). It's about man being a slave of his fortune!
I mean, \m/
i was wondering why i had never heard of 3, now i know its cos it is used by you Americans to celebrate a French victory over us in the UK, and we didnt want your colony anyway
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBritain did fine in 1812 since it was basically a draw and the American invasion failed and we got to burn down the White house too.
Yeah, not to mention the grapes on the main dining table in the White House at the time were extremely sour.
JRDZ: Yeah, and then a lot of the British soldiers were killed by a rare tornado.
EdDeRs: If you read the article, you'd see the song was about a Russian victory over the French. With reading skills like yours, it's no wonder you'd think the UK would fight (and lose) two wars for a colony it "didn't want anyway."
JRDZ: By your standard, World War I was basically a draw because the Allies lost a Gallipoli. A country can lose a battle and still win the war.
Unless TV has lied to me... Isn't "Land of Hope and Glory" used in graduations in USA?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesPachelbel's Canon in D, too...
Every graduation I've been to uses Pomp and Circumstance, But I could see Canon in D being used.
Pomp and Circumstance *is* Land of Hope and Glory.
Nice use of Montclair State's obscurity in #2
Replyi listened to just one of the classical music ones just t remind myself and next thing you know my whole cracked session had awesome classical background music it's awesome :D
ReplyThese days, most productions just have on-stage action during the Ride of the Walkyries. It's hard not to (and anyway, it's not like the theme disappears when the Rhinemaidens start to sing). I've seen many productions, and not one has had the curtain down during that piece.
ReplyHoly crap, we have GOT to get Max Weinberg those cannons!
Reply1. As it has been pointed out before, Second Coming of Christ is a merry affair for most Christians (and the Haendel's oratorium was a piece written for Christians in mind). It means eternal happoiness for devout Christians (preceded with some time done in the Purgatory for those less devout). So, in Christian context it is an extremely cheerful song, because it references the ultimate happiness. Of course, the commentary in the article stands true if this piece is played out of Christian context (you know, the end of the world is not exactly alluring idea to everyone).
Reply2. Carmina Burana was not an "emo poetry", far from it. It is in large part a collection of works mocking and satirizing "classical" medieval poetry and many are direct parody of various popular songs and poems (there are however, some 'classical' pieces among more frivolous ones). Think medieval equivalent of Weird Al Yankovic or Tenacious D. On the other hand, 'O Fortuna' is actually a nice but rather mellow poem, more a kind of poetry parodied by other works from Carmina Burana. And you know what's funny? Many German Mittelalter Rock bands play various parts of Carmina Burana to the catchy folk-rock tunes. And such music is much more fitting than the elaborate orchestral Orff's compositions.
Woo-Hoo! Now that Pomp And Circumstance is debunked we can get rid of that piece of crap music! My entire graduating class wanted to strangle the band by the time we'd actually graduated, because they insisted that we listen to it during the entire 3 weeks of graduation rehearsals... 90% of us still cringe at the mention of that infernal piece of music...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd we will replace it with something fresh. Like that Vitamin C song.
CZeke: Which is effectively a tune cribbed off Pachelbel with lyrics over it.
Yep, I know. My joke is that for a few years after the song came out (maybe still, I don't know), it was used just incessantly at graduations.
Just a side note for the war of 1812: Both the Russians AND the French thought they won the war. They BOTH built a Triumphal arch, the French one in Paris, the Russian one in Moscow. For some reason, only the French arch is remembered till this day.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSo......I guess the French won at the end.........???
the French had an arc built circa 1808, before the invasion of russia, to commemorate the epic wins of the napoleonic wars so far. They started another project of a hugeass arc but it was built like 30 years after the war and it was made in the memory of french war heroes or something. Anyhow, when Napoleon invaded Russia in 1812 he inderestimated a few things
1. He thought that Russia is like Europe. In Europe his army was greeted in every town by the commoners, who all liked Napoleon's ideas. Well, duh. In Russia he was not only unwelcome, he had to march for ages before he could reach a town/city and stock on food (population density like 10 times lower than in western europe, hehe)
2. He thought that once he has Moscow, he had won. So he was working towards that goal, hoping he could restock in Moscow and feed his huge army. Well, duh. Once Russian field marshals figured that out, they burned Moscow down, like reduced it to ashes, and abandoned the city. (for the french burning paris is close to blasphemy, so they never thought the russians would do literally anything to win)
so he entered Russia with a 650 000 men army and left with some 25 000. Then Russian and the allied forces chased him all the way to France and took Paris in 1814. And Napoleon got exiled to the island of Elba. If that's not a defeat, then what is?
That and WWII make me very proud to be Russian. The rest of modern history: not as much.
Oh, and the space race, which we won... until the last bit.
What Napoleon didn't plan on was that NOBODY invades Russia and succeeds. Long ago, Rasputin went to the border and did the YOU SHALL NOT PASS! thing from Lord of the Rings. Since then, only Russians could conquer Russia.