5 Minor Screw-ups That Created The Modern World
Today we continue our crusade to convince the world that most of the truly important events in history happened due to some kind of ridiculous accident.
It should be no surprise that some of the best examples of this have occurred during wartime. War, after all, combines mankind's most lofty ambitions with its deepest stupidity. That means that some of the most crucial moments in warfare have played out like ridiculous slapstick.
#5.
The Colonies Were Saved by a Poker Game
Thomas Paine described December 1776 in his poorly-Xeroxed The American Crisis as "times that try men's souls" for a reason: It was the single suckiest month in the single shittiest year in American memory.
"It is a dark time for the Rebellion ..." - Thomas Paine
By Christmas Eve 1776, the city of New York had fallen, the Continental Congress had fled Philadelphia and General George Washington's ragtag Continental Army had just barely survived the single most hellish commute in New Jersey history. The rebellion was off to such a disastrous start that, hell, even the Canadians were schooling the U.S. in warfare.
Fortunately, we all know that Washington was able to stave off defeat by heroically crossing the Delaware to win key victories at Trenton and Princeton. The Colonies would live to see the new year.
"Wool stockings and typhus for everyone!"
Of course, for every heroic Hail Mary play, there's a defense that has screwed the pooch. What was regarded as a miracle for the Colonies was a disaster for the British.
What ruined it: A poker game.
While Washington's heroic crossing of the Delaware may be firmly implanted into the American psyche, the truth is actually a whole lot stupider than what we were taught in history class. It turns out a loyalist spy named Moses Doan observed Washington along the Delaware on Christmas Eve, along with what he described as "a boatload of soldiers." He immediately notified Col. Johann Rall of the Hessians about the impending attack but was turned away because the colonel was engaged in a heated game of chess -- or, depending on who you ask, a poker game.
Since the colonel had no wish to be disturbed, Doan left him with a note that read: "Washington is coming on you down the river, he will be here afore long." Rall, still deeply engrossed in his game, stuffed the note into his pocket without giving it a thought.
"I had a pair of threes. You never back down on a pair of threes."
Sure enough, Johann Rall was found dead the next morning, his little "Washington is coming on you down the river" note still unopened in his pocket.
... And that's why America exists.
Had things been different:
If the British had been ready for Washington's surprise attack, everything changes. Washington could have been killed or captured as he made his way across the Delaware, along with Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, James Monroe and a handful of other Founding Fathers who were freezing their balls off as well that worst Christmas ever.
"I swear to God, if there isn't a Kinect under the tree I am going to scream."
Also, to make matters worse, the timing of Washington's victories at Trenton and Princeton was just the buzzer beater the nation needed to keep the Revolution together. Had Washington failed at either battle, which is an occasional subject for scholars, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Delaware "would have surrendered almost immediately." America would have just settled for forever being one more British colony.
#4.
An Unlocked Door Dooms Constantinople
For a brief period in the Middle Ages, perhaps best described as "all of it," the city of Constantinople was one of the biggest deals on the planet, back when it was the citadel to the Eastern Roman Empire. The city survived barbarians and Attila the Hun, withstood siege after siege from Arabs, Bulgarians and Russians, and outlasted its Western Roman counterparts for a solid 1,000 years. When the city fell in 1204, they took it right back and held it for two centuries more.
And then ...
What ruined it: Some jackass who forgot to lock the door.
Shit got real for Constantinople -- and the entire Christian world -- in the form of Sultan Mehmed II of the Ottoman Empire. Equipped with the best soldiers and technologies 1453 had to offer, Mehmed II rolled into town that April with as many as 200,000 troops, over 100 ships and some huge, huge cannons to crack through the city's legendary walls.
The Medieval Death Star.
For the next two months, shit went down like Disc 2 of the Kingdom of Heaven director's cut, but withstanding sieges was what Constantinople was best at, despite being hopelessly outnumbered. That's how you survive for 10 centuries.
But fortune smiled on Mehmed II on May 29, 1453, in the form of human stupidity: Some jackass had forgotten to lock Constantinople's Kerkoporta gate during the siege. No treason, no bribery; it was 100 percent accidental, "Pobody's Nerfect" territory.
"Hello?"
As the Ottomans raised their flags over the Kerkoporta gate, the city fell into panic, and its defenses collapsed. The city was pillaged, its inhabitants massacred and enslaved, and Emperor Constantine XI killed. Thus passed the Byzantine Empire, the period known as the Middle Ages, and, at long last, the Roman Empire ... thanks to this unknown medieval fucktard.
S.P.Q.R. (27 B.C. - 1453 A.D.)
Had things been different:
Although the Byzantines had clearly been taking a nosedive for some time, there's no reason to suggest that Constantinople could not have withstood Mehmed II. Sieges in general are expensive as hell and absolutely terrible for armies, and Mehmed's own Grand Vizier Candarli Halil Pasha protested the invasion from the beginning out of fear of crusades and/or Dracula.
Had the Kerkoporta gate actually been locked or at least gone unnoticed long enough for Mehmed to call it quits, there's a good chance this would have meant no Ottoman conquest of the Balkans, no "Istanbul," no Hagia Sophia mosque...
... and about 400 years of completely rewritten Russian history. After all, it was Russia's Ivan III who married Constantine XI's niece right before Constantinople fell. This lucky break is why Moscow to this day considers itself the Third Rome, right down to the seven hills. Why the hell else do you think they called themselves czars? For their health?
Hell no ...
#3.
Hannibal's Army is Devastated by a Cane
One cannot underscore how enormous Hannibal's crossing of the Alps during the Second Punic War was for the ancient world. As far as Rome was concerned, crossing the Alps was damn near impossible. Today it would be like China launching an attack on Los Angeles by tunneling through the goddamned Earth. That is how outside the box Hannibal of Carthage liked to think.
Once Hannibal finally made it across the mountains, his campaign through Italy would become remembered as one of the most perfectly executed military operations in history. His victory at Cannae remains the archetype for military pwn3ge to this day, and his tactics were so revolutionary that the Romans had no choice but to study him all they could. It is for this reason that Hannibal has been called "the father of strategy."
Just seeing him was a war crime.
It's probably a testament to the man's genius that he tattooed his wang across the face of history in what was ultimately a losing effort. He gave the Roman Empire the fight of its life for sixteen insane years, but at the end of the day, Rome was standing, and they'd picked up a bunch of pretty sweet tricks.
What ruined it: A cane.
As we mentioned, Hannibal chose to sneak his army into Italy using the single most treacherous route on the planet, and crossing the Alps with fucking elephants ended up killing more of his men than the Romans ever did. Part of this was due to the Alps being coated with snow on snow, and rest of it because of a certain pass Hannibal took his men and beasts through called Certain Death.
There is an episode in the Roman epic poem Punica which details this odyssey where Hannibal tried to demonstrate to his men that a certain cliff was safe to pass along. He chose to do this by ramming his cane into the snow. This in turn triggered an avalanche, which wiped out one- to two-thirds of his invasion force, killing 18,000 of his 38,000 men, 2,000 of his 8,000 horses and a shitton of his precious pachyderms.
For a brief moment in Italy, it was literally raining elephants.
According to the story, he lost nearly one-half of his infantry and one-fourth of his cavalry before he was even ready to start getting his hands dirty. Since Hannibal happened to be one of the greatest generals who ever lived, he was able to work with a -67 percent handicap to give Rome hell for 16 years, but that brings us to one of history's great "What If's."
War was a lot more fun back before pants became standard issue.
Had things been different:
There is no doubt in the world that Hannibal would have conquered Rome, since the only thing holding him back was losing a big chunk of his army while coming over. Carthage would have completely supplanted Rome in history, and just about everything in the Western World, from its laws to its art and architecture to its genetic makeup, would probably look a lot more, um ... Tunisian?
you can tell that the picture of the 'bangers and mash' was'nt taken in england... should be in the shape of a hedgehog really :)
ReplyI just want to say that when the Ottomans took over Constantinople no one was "raped" nor "Murdered" true the royal family was killed but that hardly counted as murder back then, royal familes in Europe did the same thing if they had no direct ties and even when ties were present it was still liable to happen also when the Ottomans took over Constantinople there were only 40k residents and within a few years it grew to over 100k. Muslim armys were quote tolerant to conquered peoples and if they were not, empires like the Mughals could never have existed with only 15 muslims out of 100 people
ReplyTrenton: balls deep in history.
Replypoker wasn't invented until the 1820s brah
ReplyCrap your right
#5 is actually your loss. If America had remained a British colony, you'd be a nice, stable constitutional monarchy and parliamentary democracy just like Australia and Canada right now, with a benign and adequately competent, if dull, government.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesYou really classify the British government as competent?
jurisprudence, how exactly is the British government incompetent? have you looked at the rest of the world lately? They invented the judiciary system, and modern democracy. And they have major 3 parties that vie for power, as opposed to Americas 2. I'm genuinely interested for your response
and if we had remained a british colony, we would have been shafted even more during WWI and WWII while the british tried to scrape together money for wars that were hemorrhaging money and man power. that in turn would mean the US would not have been able to provide weapons and man power made by our own innovation that helped turn the tide of battle. sounds like a win to me
I certainly wouldn't refer to the current Canadian government as either benign or competent. Dull, maybe. Clownshod neofascist pricks, for sure.
well one possible outcome would have been the soviets dominating a good chunk of the world after world war 2..considering britain even won the first world war without America's help. Britain would have been too weak to stop the Soviets, who would have overran all of Eastern Europe and Asia as America would not have existed to defeat the Imperial Japanese. Combined with the fact that Britains colonies were gaining more and more independence as the second world war ended, and without America's nuclear weapons, the Soviets would have overran the rest of Europe and we would now might even be living under a Soviet dominated world
In reply to EdgeUK. England did not invent modern democracy, that is the equivlent of saying Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb no the Roman Empire beat you by over a millennia and Athens was over a millennia and a half, you mearly stole the idea from them at clamed it for yourself America became great due to its freedoms as will any free country although America is gardly as free as it was 50 years ago it is still pretty damn strong, had it remained a british colony mexico might have remained full size philepeans would not be a puppet during ww2 France collapsing durring ww1 and mabey no ww2 as half of europe would have remained in german control. Also Napolean would not had as mich money since most people dont sell territory to thier enemys and france may have fallen bassicly everything that has happened thus far would never have happened the same and any ideas would e tenicly correct and wrong due to The hypothisis contray to fact fallacy so anything daid goes and is wrong
And if the Kerkoporta was locked it would also mean no Assassins Creed:revelations :P
Reply
Reply"...America would have just settled for forever being one more British colony" ... it still is, isn't it?
good one. damn i wish i had your wit
Every single f*****g link on this article is replaced with the word "Canadians", followed by a random number.. just me?
ReplyYeah man, I get the normal pages.
John Paul Jones. You can't name your kid that and NOT have him grow up to be awesome.
ReplyOne of the things I love about where I live ( Upstate New York, Albany to be exact) there is a ton of history here! A lot events from the seven years war happened here, and what Tanaghrisson did is just a small sample of the crazy s hit that happened during that time as well as before and after that! Living here taught me many things, two big ones being politics is a dirty dirty business and history is far from boring!
ReplyAs always, good article, Jacopo. Interesting to think if Jones had been successful, sinking the British fleet in port would have severely crippled aid to British troops in America and seriously shortened the Revolution. (Hell, we might have been able to take credit for victory without 'le French' reminding us we desperately needed their help.)
ReplyThat's why drinking and sabotage don't mix.
I think I've learned more about history on Cracked then at school.
Replytoo bad the same can't be said about your grammar
George Washington didn't make a mistake. He was just thinking ahead.
ReplyTanaghrisson also thought a head will do him a lot of good. Moisturises the skin and all.
hasnt anybody noticed? John Paul Jones attempted to invade us, and then, 200 years later, John Paul Jones took over the UK with a Mr. Page, a Mr. Plant, and a Mr. Bonham (its Led f*****g Zeppelin fool!)
Replybut if he had attempted to invade the UK, he would have got his arse wipped, the UK had one of the best armys at the time, and and graound invasion would have gone horrible
This author states that the Turks enslaved or massacred the inhabitants of Constantinople. IN FACT, because of their ISLAMIC TEACHINGS they were far GENTLER than the Christian crusaders who sacked Constantinople in 1204. People need to learn the truth about Islam and not be swayed by the current hysteria against it. I urge all readers to learn the truth for themselves. There will undoubtedly be lots of bigoted comments against Islam in response to my comment. Again, I urge anyone reading this to find unbiased sources, or even meet actual Muslims in the US and talk to them. Peace.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesDon't be so touchy.
Yes because the Ottomans cut the genitals off of their pow's and the Christians... wait, nope, didn't go that, no Jannisaries in the West. And please don't assume that we judge modern day Moslems by the standards of the 13th century. Unless you are in fact 800 years old, your assumption that you'll be stereotyped is stereotyping and implies that Moslems can do no wrong. You're people, you can fk up.
I don't hate all muslims, just those Taleban and Al Qaeda pricks
You do know that Islamic law allows a sultan to give his fellow soldiers three days of looting, raping and plundering of the newly conquered territory right? But after that, ofcourse, the rule of law is back. And what has this got to do with the Crusaders and their sack? Constantinople was sought after ever since the Arabs left Arabia with their new religion.
And there was another consequence of the fall of Constantinople and it has nothing to do with Russia (ok, not so much) and this very much made the modern world - how about the Renaissance? Yes, Arab texts had been floating around Europe for a while, but it was the fall of Constantinople that led to the flowering of the Italian cities, who welcomed the fleeing Greeks, who came with their libraries bursting at the seams.
Watcher, pretty much everyone involved in those wars was a terrible person, and that includes the Muslims. While Saladin, the Muslim leader who fought the Christian Army during the Crusades was undeniably the most chivalrous and honorable warrior from that time, most Muslim warriors, including the Muslim army which attacked Constantinople, were terrible, murderous, pillaging scumbags.
I taught this as part of early American history (homeschooling) also because, since the French were eliminated as a threat after the treaty of 1763, the American colonies didn't need the British for defense anymore. The British actually made it safe enough for the U.S. to HAVE a revolution.
ReplyTHE UK RULES! WOO WOO WOO! YOU KNOW IT!
I have finally reached the conclusion that this idiot is a horrible writer. I'm staggered it took me this long in truth. Don't think I've ever laughed at anything he has written, and his picture captions are stunningly weak. Time to find some more Seanbaby.
ReplyIf you haven't laughed at anything he's ever written, why'd you go to the trouble of reading this? Your comment implies that you have read his articles before.
wtf is bangers and mash?
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesSausages (aka bangers) and mashed potatoe (aka mash)
I believe it is supper tonight.
Weird, my mom makes that sometimes... and she's Dominican
We Americans are so retarded to things outside of our own country. I bet you have a spotted dick! HA!
Although to be fair that particular offering does look like someone took a dump on the plate. Bon Appetit....
ran76 - nothing weird mate...Dominicans have been under British rule for a while now...she should be quite familiar with bangers and mash
Actually, the Kerkoporta incident has most likely been ruled as treason. In any case, the fighters of Constantinople were outnumbered more than 200 to 1 and would probably have fallen soon, anyway. Those cannons were destroying the walls the defendants worked to rebuild during the night.
ReplyAs a history major I can account for the first half of your comment, but not the second. The incident is generally considered to be an inside job amongst respectable authorities, but since there isn't any factual evidence to support this theory it has never been ruled as such. Secondly, Constantinople would have almost definitely survived the siege seeing as those Turkish cannons were running dangerously low on ammunition and were the only weapons the Turks had that could even dent in the defenders.
I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, and maybe they have, but the "Seven Years War" actually lasted from 1754 to 1763, which would mean it lasted, in fact, NINE years. Oh, and Peruvian hats are made in Bolivia. Just thought I'd throw that little extra bit o' info-ie goodness in there.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIt wasn't called the "Nine Years War" in Britain because they had already had a nine years war. In the UK and Canada it's still referred to as the "French and Indian War." We're the ones who refer to it as the "Seven Years War."
Wait, I've always heard it refered to as the French and Indian War when I was in school in NYC
in europe it was the 7 years war... the french and indian coincided but was just the american campaign
It's called the Seven Year War in Britain, and I can guarantee you'll struggle to find one person in a hundred who could tell you when it was or what it was about.
I was always taught it being called "The French and Indian War", I never thought that made to much sense because it was between the British and the French with Native Americans fighting on both sides. French and Indian war sounds like the French fighting Indians, Seven years war makes a little more sense.