6 Random Coincidences That Created The Modern World
The stuff they say about time travel is right. You go back in time and change one little thing, and suddenly the future is full of Nazis and dinosaurs.
If you go back through history, you find that time and time again the huge changes that shape our world today all hinged on some utterly random coincidence. Change it, and the entire course of history changes with it.
#6.
The Sandwich that Started a World War
You probably know from history class that World War I started with the assassination of an Austrian Archduke named Franz Ferdinand, kicking off a domino effect of events that left millions dead. You may not know, however, that what knocked over that first domino was a sandwich.
There was this guy named Gavrilo Princip. He was a Bosnian student and guerrilla, part of a group called the Black Hand. Sounds like the evil organization of mages that secretly controls the world, right? Unfortunately, it was something a lot less awesome: a Slavic independence group.
And for some weird reason, they really hated Franz Ferdinand.
To be fair, he had that kind of face.
The World-shattering Coincidence
Let's make sure to clear this up: Gavrilo Princip very much wanted to assassinate Uncle Franz. It was how it happened that was so fucking random.
In mid-1914, Ferdinand, his wife and the obligatory group of less important political figures and other random hangers-on that always accompanies a soon-to-be-assassinated fool, were cruising through the streets of Sarajevo in a (stupidly) open-top car.
The Black Hand had crafted an intricate assassination plot, which basically consisted of, "just kill this dumbass somehow." Unfortunately, as is always true with intricate assassination plots, something went wrong.
When Franz's motorcade passed by the assassins, one of the group, a guy named Nedeljko Cabrinovic, lobbed a grenade at the motorcade. The problem was he was using a shitty 1914 grenade, so it took 10 seconds to detonate, and by then Uncle Franz was out of range. The unlucky fools in the car behind them bit it instead, and the assassins dispersed in the chaos.
Cabrinovic took a cyanide pill that failed to kill him and jumped into a three foot river to "drown" himself. Franz and his party, it seemed, were safe.
But Franz was not yet done putting his life in insane danger. Against the advice of pretty much everyone, he insisted on going to the hospital to visit the people who were injured by the grenade. The driver, unfortunately, had no idea where the fuck he was going. They ended up crisscrossing hilariously through the streets of Sarajevo, until they just randomly happened to pass a cafe where, you guessed it, Gavrilo Princip was enjoying a post-failed-assassination sandwich.
After the obligatory pause of dumbfounded luck, Princip grabbed his pistol and turned the tide of history.
And How Did it Change The World?
First, WWI broke out ...
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
... Then there was the post-war economic failure...
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
Pictured: Gavrilo Princip's fault.
That's right. Most of the horror and death of the 20th Century may not have happened had Gavrilo Princip not gotten the munchies for a sandwich.
#5.
The Rejected Art School Application that Killed 35 Million People
OK, maybe we're being too hard on Princip. After all, we might not have had World War II if a particular art school had relaxed their admissions standards a little.
For instance, what do you think of this painting?
Sort of OK, right? You probably wouldn't hang it on your wall, but at least it does look professional.
Would you accept the painter to your art academy? If you said no, then you're just like the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna, who rejected a little someone named Adolf Hitler.
The Ridiculous Coincidence
In 1905, a young Adolf left his tiny Austrian hometown and moved to Vienna, all starry-eyed and with dreams of becoming a great artist. Unfortunately for the world, the academy rejected him. Twice.
Is this picture not inexplicably horrifying?
A few months after his second rejection, his mother died, cutting off his financial support. With no direction and no career to pursue, young Adolf was forced to move to the crappy Vienna slums, which were full of all sorts of filthy minorities, including Czechs, Croatians, Italians and, worst of all, Jews.
Hitler claimed that it was in Vienna when he became an anti-Semite. Specifically, it was one Orthodox Jew that he saw one day and simply couldn't shake from his mind. If only he had been somewhere else during these years, like, say, among a bunch of liberal artist types at the dormitory of the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna.
After spending several years in Vienna among all the disgusting non-Germans, Hitler decided to move to Munich. A year later, someone decided to go for a sandwich and WWI broke out. Without anything better to do, he joined the army, quickly rising through the ranks until he ended up a member of the German military police, tasked with infiltrating a little group known as the National Socialist German Workers Party.
If only there had been something else occupying his time, like painting naked chicks at the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna. And totally not thinking about how much he hated Jews.
And How Did it Change The World?
It was a little more than a decade after he joined the Nazi party that he got elected Chancellor and became the modern face of evil. We'll never know what would have happened had he gone to art school. Hell, maybe if he stayed in Austria, he would have gotten drafted into the Austrian army instead of the German one. There, some random Russian could have killed him in one of Austria-Hungary's many, many defeats during WWI.
#4.
The Cigar Box that Won the Civil War
What would you do if you found a cardboard box lying around in the middle of the countryside, like, say, an old cigarette carton or something? Would you ignore it? Kick it at a nearby squirrel for the hell of it? Assume that it contains something horrifying, like a human pancreas stolen by the Organ Mafia, and leave it alone?
During the Civil War the Union Corporal Barton W. Mitchell found just such a worthless-looking box, but did none of those things. He opened it instead, and that may be the reason that today the USA is one country instead of two.
The Ridiculous Coincidence
Late in 1862, the Confederate army was well into its invasion of Maryland. Confederate Supreme Commander Robert E. Lee drafted a document called Special Order 191, which described in extreme detail every movement of every brigade of his army for the next several months. He gave copies of the order only to his most trusted generals, including Stonewall Jackson.
He could wreck you with his eyelashes.
Jackson, however, was way too lazy to write up individual orders to each of his commanders, so he gave them all copies of 191. One of those commanders was Daniel Harvey Hill, who did what we always do with our tax forms and jury duty papers: he left them on the ground, in a box, wrapped around three cigars. He then forgot about them.
"Boy, I am not a good commander."
Several days later, the aforementioned Union scout, Barton W. Mitchell, found the papers at the campsite, probably thinking, "Holy shit! Free cigars!"
He recognized the cigar wrappings as looking important and sent them off to his commander. That guy, in turn, sent them to his commander. Through who knows how many chances for the scrap of paper to get lost, bled on, eaten by a horse or for the guy holding them to get blown up by a cannon ball, they survived until some aide somehow recognized it as Robert E. Lee's handwriting.
He gave it to Union General George McClellan.
And How Did it Change The World?
Ever heard of the Battle of Antietam? The bloodiest day in American history? The North won, and from that point on the South didn't really have a chance.
Well, the Union won because it basically had the equivalent to Prima's Official Strategy Guide on Robert E. Lee's Invasion of Maryland.
From then on, a Union victory was pretty much guaranteed. Lincoln felt secure enough to give the Gettysburg Address, slavery officially ended, the South was reunited with the rest of America and talk of seceding from the union was gone forever. Well, until we elected a black president, anyway.
Uh, those are characters from Fate/Stay Night, yes? What's the joke?
ReplyI once had an Italian class with a Bosnian girl whose grandmother was Gavrilo Princip's 2nd cousin, making my classmate Gavrilo's 2nd cousin twice removed. She felt a little weird about it.
Reply#1 is misleading. That event didn't give us Christianity. It took place 310 A.D.; after death, as in of Jesus Christ. Christianity was already established. I just thought it felt like something needing pointing out.
ReplyIt spread it throughout Europe by Constantine adopting it, which is what the article pointed out. Christianity being officially organized many many years after Jesus' death by the committee that chose the books they wanted for the New Testament (selecting Jesus as the official "messiah" from the many that claimed it) and discarded the other books, now that's a different story altogether...
A.D. stands for Anno Domini - 'the year of our Lord'. Not after death. FYI.
My friend just told me a nice place -- T' a'' ll m' i n 'g 'l' e. С'⊙'M '-- it's the most effective site in the world to connect with, date and marry tall, and big people.. It's worthy a try.
ReplySo based on number 4 the US is the entire world?
ReplyI am fairly sure the American civil war did not create the modern world, maybe the modern US but not the world. The US is just a small part of our planet sorry to break it to you guys. There are hundreds of other countries out there.
There was a cracked article somewhere else about annoying commenters, you should go read it
Actually, the U.S is not a small part of our planet. It is a very, very, very large and important part. No matter how much you dislike the U.S, it's here, it's important, and if it every went away, the ensuing chaos would probably destroy the world as we know it.
Two things about the last one:
Reply1) It was a vision, not a sight in the sky. It would be more realistic if the whole thing was in a dream, since a meteor passing through the sky hardly gets the combined shape of the X and P which was the symbol Constantine saw. It would technically be more realistic if it was described as a dream sequence where big C looked up to heaven and found an X merged with a P.
2) Constantine granted Jewish rabbis and priests the same rights as Christian ones, which then, since the Emperor was Christian, getting the same rights as Roman state priests. Many Christians were mingling Jewish holidays with their own to the point that Bishops like John Chrysostom worried that Christendom would lose its distinctive identity and become another arm of Judaism. Antisemitism came from the cold hard fact that Jesus was thought of by the Jewish Rabbis as the antichrist, the false messiah, and a bastard son of a Roman soldier and a Jewish whore. Which was where John Chrysostom's and a lot of other bishops' grievances about the Jews came from. THAT was the source of antisemitism, folks. Calling Christianity's, well, Christ, as THE false messiah and calling out His Mother, who is beloved in Catholic religion and lore, as a whore would certainly not endear Christians to Jews. And Jewish rabbis held onto that blasphemous opinion for 1900 years, only until the 20th century did they change. Which explains why the Catholic Church picked on Jews during Medieval times and beyond, but turned around and tried to save Jews during the Holocaust.
The Rabbis could've at least been ambiguous. Let people accept Jesus based on their own decisions.
Yeah preach it as it is. Judaism is the source of antisemitism. It is so clear now! I suppose Jewish people went to Hitler and asked for a really really hot sauna too and everything else is all a misunderstanding.
so Jesus sent the meteorite? xD
ReplyWhere is this sandwich and who do I need to kill to get it? (Better not have that cottage cheese on it...)
Replythat sandwich's gone off a bit by now
I will probably get flamed for this, but here goes: I feel like you are going a bit out of the way to bash God on #1, Swaim. Christianity was already huge and quickly growing in the Roman Empire at the time of Constantine, despite the Romans doing their level best to keep it down. Constantine realized this, and used the battle and the Edict of Milan to gain their support. Making it the official Roman religion just helped Christianity do faster what it probably would have done anyways. If he hadn't picked up on the trend, someone else would have.
ReplyPersonally, I am a Christian. Do I believe Constantine? I generally say no. However, I also think if it were a meteor, someone else (it was during a battle) probably would have seen it.
he was never a Christian, he created the catholic church so the roman empire would not get ripped apart in religious struggle. that means the catholic church were formed by a "heretic"
Swaim isn't the Author. It' some dude named Espino.
#6 is the funniest of them all. Everything because of one man and a sandwich. lol.
ReplyI know! SO FREAKING HILAROUS! Man, thinking of all those lives lost really gets me in the mood for a good gut laugh.
The Edict of Milan actually had little effect on Judaism. It merely stated that the empire did not anymore favour a particualr religion and gave all Jews (wether they be Jewish or Christian), all Christians and all pagans the freedom to practise their religion without interference from the state. It also allowed Christian Churches to take back all the property that was confiscated from them before the Edict. Why would the author assume that the Edict somehow short-changed the Jews?
Replycuz even though they were allowed to do what they wished religiously speaking, Jews weren't allowed to s**t without christian approval. since Christianity was the official religion, it be came the most popular, and we've seen how dominant religious groups tend to treat the other less popular ones....
Should have been included: Wilson's illness while negotiating the Treaty of Versailles. Not that ignoring ethnic nationalism while drawing the world's borders ever caused any problems or anything....
ReplyWas that really caused by the sickness though? America in the early 20th century (or any time before that), along with most of Europe, didn't particularly care what happened to land that wasn't theirs or people that weren't of their particular nationality unless their was a chance that they might obtain the said land. Also, Woodrow Wilson was a racist asshole, so its unlikely he cared much anyways. And if you don't believe me about Wilson, look it up.
Surprised you didn't mention the card game that led to America's independence. Apparently, until it was too late, a British Admiral sent his messengers away because he thought his poker game was more important than the news his spies had for him. That George Washington was crossing the goddamn river.
ReplyI saw that in a different Cracked article. :P
I wrote a paper about the Mongols some time ago, and I remember learning that they totally ass-whooped Europe's finest, including the famous German Teutonic Knights shortly before Ogedei's death. Every single knight died at the hands of the Mongols' superior tactics and weapons. It's pretty safe to say that had he not died and the Mongolian compaign not haulted, the Mongols could have gotten all the way to the UK. They had already beaten the best in Europe, so the comparative barbarians of England wouldn't have been so hard.
Replyodds are the Monguls wouldnt have concoured the UK, the Romans had trouble when it camr to the weather destroying there fleets, so the horde may have got across the channal, but they would have met the weapon that made the British isles a medevil power, the English Longbow, with Welsh bowmen (considerd the best in the world at the time) using them, the horde would have meen decimated
ReplyNot quite; the longbow shot about 50 pounds of force harder, but the longbowmen themselves were hardly as well trained as the Mongols, nor was the longbow as resilient. Mongols were trained to fire their bows with dead-eye accuracy... at night. Wearing ridiculous armour. While RIDING. They were so good at riding, the messengers slept while still mounted so they wouldn't lose time. The English tactics of the time were pretty much crappier all around.
And let's not forget that the Mongols had composite bows
Was there anybody else who wanted to listen to some Franz Ferdinand after reading this article?
Replyokay. i don't usually comment, but the end note stating that texas is talking about seceding because we elected a black president is nonsense. They're protesting the trillions of dollars in debt that Washington spends, not the color of the guy's skin. Espino, that's called lying, and it's generally looked down upon.
ReplyAnd it's worth noting that most of the seccescionist talk is half joking.
Sure, we can focus on taking down all the evil regimes of the world. There will always be another Hitler, always another Stalin, always another Frank. You probably don't know Frank, but he causes a lot of problems. But, we are overlooking the obvious. If you want world peace, declare war on sandwiches. End the sandwich and you end the conflict in the world. Start with the Grilled Cheese. The Grilled Cheese has already infiltrated our youth, sounds a lot like the Hitler Youth. The sandwiches must be dealt with.
ReplyWhat was that sandvich? Kill them all?!
ReplyGood idea!
"YOU ARE A LOOSE CANNON SANDVICH, BUT YOU ARE A DAMN GOOD COP!"
I'd say Constantine's conversion had way more to do with the already popular Christian religion, and getting those guys on his side. If he hadn't done it, then someone else would have.
Reply