Clash of the Titans: Badass Metal Video, S#!t Movie
Scott and Dan from the "Geek in the City" podcast were sitting next to me at the screening of Clash of the Titans I caught conducting a brilliant experiment. Scott watched the film normally with the rest of us, while Dan drowned out the soundtrack using an iPod loaded with his favorite metal play-list. Scott saw what the rest of us did: a passionless, pointless exercise in lazy, spoon fed bullshit. However, according to Dan, if you arm yourself with headphones and enough Iron Maiden to make your ears want to fight each other, you get the most epic metal video ever put on film. While I didn't have the foresight to bring my own soundtrack canceling apparatus, in hindsight Clash of the Titans almost makes more sense viewed as a collection of moving metal-album cover-art, made specifically for Iron Maiden to wail over.
Like this, but moving ... and a little bit gayer.
The plot is a pretty straight forward account of Perseus (Sam Worthington), the bastard son of Zeus (Liam Neeson). When mankind finally gets sick of being dicked around by gods wearing what looks like chromed out Michelin Man body-armor, they rise up. Zeus gets offended and agrees to let his brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) tweak humanity's nipples via a Kraken attack--just as a little reminder to keep those tributes rolling in. Mankind puts its faith in Perseus instead, and accompanied by nondescript meatpuppets wearing concept art from 300, he sets out to kill Hades' pet before it can destroy his city.
"Waitaminute, this isn't Sparta..."
It's an OK plot, but there's nothing added to it. Characters are delineated by their names (if we ever get them) and nothing else. Conversations play like rough drafts that never got rewritten. It's like the writers watched Soderbergh's Schizopolis but didn't get the joke . The movie's attempts at comedy are mostly just set-ups with halfhearted shrugs as punchlines. Even the fan service is lazy: It's as if the director said, "We need to do the Bubo thing. Sam, get the robot owl out of the prop chest. OK, wave it around. OK, drop it back in the box. Great, cut, print!"
Sometimes directing looks like waiting for a check to clear
Louis Leterrier (The Transporter, The Incredible Hulk) was hired because he's supposed to know how to do action. But in Titans, scenes just sort of happen, with no buildup or sense of progression. When fights do break out, they're shot incoherently. The CGI that replaces Ray Harryhausen's charming stop-motion is adequate, but the 3D effects applied in post-production are so shoddy, I'd actually recommend trading blurriness for the flickering and shimmering you'll get with your glasses on.
"Watch out for that cliche! It's huge!"
It's a charmless, gritty film; a poor, aesthetic choice considering how inherently goofy the source material is. The original was ridiculous, but it knew it and camped it up accordingly. Laurence Olivier sold the shit he was shoveling. Burgess Meredith gnawed at the sets like a jaundiced goat. Neeson just looks vaguely grumpy; Fiennes is doing a bad David Warner impersonation; and Worthington emotes like a dented bowling ball. Perseus could have a pulse, and Zeus could be the roaring, angry lion that Neeson is very good at unleashing, but nobody behind the scenes appears to have given enough of a shit to realize that.
It's a movie made for an audience that Hollywood money-crunchers have been trying to cultivate for a very long time; an audience who doesn't see the value in discerning taste, egged on by filmmakers such as Kevin Smith, who admitted he makes films that aspire to nothing more than simple retardation--and if you watch them expecting more, you're doing it wrong. This audience considers the concepts of "Fun" and "Quality" to be mutually exclusive. They celebrate the cognitive act of a single synapse firing like they figured out the end of The Usual Suspects within the first three minutes.
I don't think wanting your entertainment to actually try fulfilling its potential is asking too much. Jackass: The Movie is profoundly dumb, but it's smart about its stupidity, and tries to be the best lunatic shitshow it can be. Zucker/Abrahms/Zucker took goofy idiocy in Airplane! and The Naked Gun and stacked gags on top of each other like gifted architects building comedy skyscrapers. Titans keeps setting up moments that could become something more than blandly described plot-points, and then shrugs and decides not to. Nobody involved is trying to do anything, except Worthington, who looks like he's trying to pinch off an enormous turd. To release the Kraken, if you will.
More like Splash in the Toilet, amiright?
The Clash of the Titans remake is less a movie than it is a testament to the pursuit of aggressive mediocrity. For as shitty as the original was--and lets not be blinded by nostalgia and a plump fanboy boner for Harryhausen, it was a shitty movie--at least you got the sense the people in that fictional world cared about living in it, and the people behind the scenes were trying for something resembling vibrancy. They failed more often than not, but at least they tried. This is film by (comatose) committee, made with all the passion of a clockwatching temp, splattering half-ass effects against a smeared 3D sheen, applied as skillfully as a tweeker with a roll of saran wrap.
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You talk about Iron Maiden, show a picture of Helloween, then go on to do nothing but slate the film.
ReplyI read the whole article just waiting for another reference to Maiden... damn you for building my hopes just to shatter them more worthlessly than Perseus' adoptive dad's fishing boat.
Give me the original any day!
ReplyWhy a Helloween cover after an Iron Maiden reference? It's not like Maiden doesn't have their share of goofy album covers.
ReplyI went to see this movie, but it was sold out. Instead, I saw The Bounty Hunter. I would have rather seen Clash, because at least it had cgi.
ReplyI have not seen this movie yet and I really wanted to. But after watching many of your reviews, I can say that I agree with you 95% of the time. Thank you for saving me 12 dollars I'll be sure to use this gas to whine instead.
Replymemory stick
About the original, I disagree that it was bad. Quite the opposite, I felt it was a high-soaring adventure of the kind that used to be made back in the 50's, but with a gloomier look and feel to it.
ReplyAnd unlike the new one, the old one had actors who actually could pass for Greek.
Who said the original was bad? I'll rip their hearts out with a stick. It's BRILLIANT.
I agree with this article completely. Saw Clash of the Titans last night and it was terrible. Sure, the effects were decent, but the acting and dialogue was tasteless and drab. It was like the actors weren't even trying.
ReplyI watched Clash of the Titans today, and alternated between listening to Heavy Metal and Screamo. Let me tell you, out of the 17 people that I saw the movie with, I was the person who enjoyed it the most. I don't know if you guys meant it as a joke, but I actually did it and it was freaking awesome.
ReplyLove my Iron Maiden - A Matter Of Life And Death is my favourite album
ReplyReally? it is one of their worst in my opinion - their 80s material is pretty fantastic, you have up to 7 f*****g albums that can be rated between "great" to "PERFECT" in the opinion of pretty much everyone with working ears, but you still choose AMoLaD???
*frown* *sigh*
Whoever wrote this article. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
ReplyI watched this movie and enjoyed it enough, but it wasn't quite *there* for me. I couldn't really place what was wrong with it until I read this article. You neatly articulated what I'd been feeling. Thanks!
Replythis would have been a much better remake if they took all the fancy cgi and spliced it over the original movie special effects.
Replyi am totally going to do that when this comes out on dvd.
Ray Harryhausen's effects ARE what made the original what it was. You've just espoused taking something that was bad, but enjoyably bad (the original movie), removing the only good parts (aside from great actors hamming it up with bad dialogue) and replacing them with the s**t-smeared CGI of this film abortion.
I shake my fist at your ignorance.
"s**t-smeared CGI of this film abortion."
FTW.
I actually enjoyed it for the most part but i agree, they couldv'e done alot more with what they were given. Nelson was thoroughly disappointing in his performance
Replyit wasn't really a deep or Oscar-worthy movie, nor will it be remembered in 20 years as the original is now, at best, it was a quick entertainment fix for you to tweak on until the drug-mule that is the Summer movie rush pops out all the packages of goodness it so wonderfully smuggled into the fun center of your brain. all we can do now is get in our enjoyment receiving position and wait for the 30 pounds of pure, uncut movie goodness coming this vacation season
"Nobody involved is trying to do anything, except Worthington, who looks like he's trying to pinch off an enormous turd. To release the Kraken, if you will." - I'll admit I was badly in need of a laugh, which made me more susceptible, but regardless I laughed out loud at this line. Bobby Roberts, there's always room for improvement, but don't listen to the haters and keep 'em coming.
ReplyBobby Roberts you suck. Everything you write sucks. Your articles try so hard to be funny but they're all just f**king stupid. Your like Cody- If I see an article and know it's written by you, I know to just skip past it. You suck. Sincerely-The internet
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThen quit bloody reading already. You make it sound like there's a law forcing you to read it. I read it, I laughed out loud. You didn't - move on man. Life's too short for popping blood vessels on what is or isn't comedy
Don't let him get to you. He's just a troll (Note the lack of substance, dull vocabulary and misspellings that he probably slipped in there to get people riled).
Don't let him get to you. He's just a troll (Note the lack of substance, dull vocabulary and misspellings that he probably slipped in there to get people riled).
I don't see how a dick like this could get to anyone. He's just a pathetic, immature p***k with nothing better to do.
Don't like the articles when you see his name? why the f**k do you click them?
Oh really what misspellings are you talking about? You're really reaching there buddy sorry. Wow what responses, I detect some people sucking on Bobby's balls. I love the level of retardation it must require to be so eloquent with your replies. But keep pretending his articles are good. Maybe some day they will be.
The thing is that with 3D movies (ie Avatar) the directors and filmakers spend more time worrying about the 3D effects and how great it will look to actually spend some time making the plot original and develop the storyline.
ReplyThis was an incredibably stupid article, not saying the movie is good - I haven't seen it.
Reply"The Clash of the Titans remake is less a movie than it is a testament to the pursuit of aggressive mediocrity." - I found that line brilliant in its simplicity, b'cos it encompasses so much of what's wrong in this industry of mine right now
Did anyone else think that the 3 witches looked like the Pale Man from Pan's Labrynth?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYES!
I havent seen Titans, but if you mean the dude with the eyes in his hands..f**k that guy was like a childhood nightmare or something.
Del Toro should have made Clash. Imagine the possibilities!
I havent seen the flick and I doubt that I ever will. But my first thought, when I heard that Hollywood is doing a Clash of the Titans remake was: Holy s**t! They played God of War.
ReplyYeah I saw it a couple days ago, and it was not good.
Reply