6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off
#3.
Complimenting Her Looks
You've got it this time. After a night of chatting up ladies, acting disinterested and dancing like a seizure victim, a gorgeous woman for some reason comes up to talk to you. Amazingly, you're holding it together and all signs are pointing to the two of you bumping uglies at the end of the night. In an effort to seal the deal, you compliment her on how attractive she is.
Moments later, she's scurrying off with the drink you bought her to rejoin her friends and make jokes at the expense of you and your Ed Hardy T-shirt.
The Cracked office dress code.
What the Hell Happened?!
Shockingly, women really do want you to care about more than their great tits. In a study by one of the leading dating sites on the Web, they found that telling a woman she was attractive actually made her more likely to reject you. Also making her more likely to reject you: that collection of Pokemon cards you refuse to dispose of because "they'll make you rich someday." But we digress.
Words like "sexy," "beautiful" and "hot" made a woman much less likely than average to respond to your initial overtures. Meanwhile attempting to show interest in her by mentioning some of her pastimes, favorite things, etc. resulted in a much higher than average response.
Keep that in mind if you ever get the chance to chat up Megan Fox. Don't tell her she's gorgeous. Talk about all the other things you know she's into like bad acting, terrible tattoos and not wearing a lot of clothes. She'll be yours in no time.
Don't forget, "being shinier than a G.I. Joe."
#2.
Being Nice
What more can women want from you? You feign interest in attending their Real Housewives of Orange County viewing parties, listen to their drama with their asshole ex-boyfriend, help get them home free of the risk of date rape when they're really drunk--you even stop by with painkillers to help with their hangover the next morning.
There is literally nothing you could do to be nicer to them and yet you're still just a friend, a "great guy," and therefore completely rejected.
What the Hell Happened?!
We really hate to say it but women are scientifically proven to like "bad boys." Apparently there is something called the "dark triad" (dibs on the band name) of personality traits that still exist and even flourish in humans despite the fact that, evolutionarily, they are bad for the continuation of the species.
They include exploitation, thrill-seeking/callous behavior and self-obsession. Since people like this are assholes, science dictates that they should have been bred out of the gene pool a long time ago. Of course, they weren't. And it's because the ladies love bad boys. Scientists found that the higher a man scored on the "dark triad" (seriously, that name is the shit) scale the more sex partners he had had and the more likely he was to be looking for short flings.
Assholes have all the fun.
Basically, while they won't make great long term partners, for thousands of years women have been engaging in one night stands with "bad boys," getting knocked up and prolonging not only the suffering of man but also the use of Axe Body Spray.
You hear that ladies? The self-centered, destructive jerks of the world are all your fault. Try using some self control once in a while. Or, at the very least, a condom.
#1.
Having the Wrong Name
So far, nothing has worked, and that girl you've been putting the moves on up and started dating someone who can only be described as "Jersey Shore-like." Desperate, you attend a singles mixer. One of those things where everyone has to wear a geeky little name tag and guys try to look successful but laid back by wearing both a tie and jeans.
Good luck, shit-eyes.
Everyone here is looking for a date. There is no way you can strike out. Yet every woman you approach smiles, then glances at your name tag and suddenly turns away. You haven't even said anything yet! What could you POSSIBLY have done to turn her off this time?!
What the Hell Happened?!
You can blame your parents for this one. Apparently, your first name can drastically influence how successful you are and, yes, even how attractive people consider you. According to a study of 6,000 people, men named Michael, James and David are the clear winners, with all three placing in the top ten for Most Successful, Luckiest, and yes, Most Attractive names. George and Paul on the other hand? Well, just resign yourselves to a life of minimum wage jobs, accidents and loneliness (unless you're a Beatle, apparently).
Your best bet is to go for women named Anne, who suffer from the same horrible affliction as you: uglynameitis.
YOU SICKEN ME.
These scientists are totally serious. One even wrote a book that includes a section helping you change your name as an adult in order to reverse all the misfortune your parents unknowingly saddled you with. So to all the Georges out there, simply start answering to Ryan and the ladies will come flocking.
Shit. It's true.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
In the event that you do find yourself on the verge of sealing the deal, make sure you've read these first: 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences) and 7 Kama Sutra Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated Today! Shit!) to check out some hot chicks that won't reject you.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.
On point #1, I'm pretty sure you get more minus points for wearing a name tag to a party.
ReplyGotta thank my parents for naming me David.
ReplyNice. My name is Michael. I'm a "clear winner".
ReplyHey now. I've gotten more dates at Pokemon card tournaments than anywhere else. Only partially because I'm usually the only girl in the Masters class not there because her boyfriend dragged her there. And when they're not too embarrassed they lost to a Tyres deck.
ReplyThat's the thing, though, most people at Pokemon gatherings are guys, and for that matter nerdy guys, who women tend not to want, so they are in no position to be picky.
"Dancing well" is a Western notion that's always amazed me.
ReplyI remember the story of an anthropologist who monitored an African tribe (the details escape me, as referenced in plenty of other Cracked articles). Everyone danced during their gatherings. When asked to participate, he said "I can't dance." They looked at him funny and said, "But you have feet."
I quit
ReplyI guess my son's name won't be Donovan after all.
ReplyI believe that the "not liking nice guys" thing may be because a nice guy is typically a nice guy to EVERYONE, not just their object of desire. This might cause a female to believe, since he does nice things for everyone and not just her, that he
Replyisn't interested in a relationship.
That's just my opinion, though. :)
why does everyone say "this doesn't necessarily apply to me specifically, therefore it is completely wrong!"?
ReplyThis is a pretty stock response to many Cracked articles. It's a logical fallacy known as "special pleading".
Elsewhere known as a "juvenile sense of self-importance" and "blind stupidity."
You know, dating would be so much easier if we were still in the Old West, and I could just shoot everybody in the face.
ReplySo, if a guy had a name like Ryan George/George Ryan or Paul David/David Paul would he be considered average looking?
ReplyI'm not sure, but you just gave me an idea.....I'll change my name to Ryan David.
No, he's considered odd for having two first names.
Why is everybody in here putting asterisks for words like b***h and a*****e, stupid f*ck*rs. Guess what guys, women only "want" you so they can use your sperm for a baby and then have someone around to support the baby. Ask any honest married man about it. So you might as well treat them like shit. They seem to like it and they will definitely treat you like s**t after you get married.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesthere not, it filters out swear words with asterisks you stupid f****r (how do u like it?) there is an option to turn the nauty words back on u know?
@BogeyOneTwo
That can go both ways, (no pun intended) men are just as likly to have an extra-maritial affair as a woman is, or more. Some women only want a good, honest relationship, and the guys are the ones who are shallow.
Also, if you treat a girl like s**t she will more likely than not leave you, for someone who cares for her.
All I got out of that was "I just went through a bitter divorce"
I think I'll take my relationship advice from someone smart enough to figure out automatic sensors in comments sections, if you don't mind.
Luckily, I already (unwittingly) follow half of these steps. Unluckily, I'm fairly certain that the demographic this attracts is not the demographic I'm looking for. I usually act disinterested (usually because I'm legitimately not interested), never dance, and I'm usually slow with the compliments, but I'll talk to women, try to be a nice person, and I'll admit my name is a little unorthodox (DON'T look at my username it's not my real name). However, with that said, I don't think I want to nurture a relationship with someone who dislikes that I'm a nice individual and is heavily judgmental of people based on their name. Personally, I think women who DO do that need to seriously look themselves in the mirror and ask what the hell they want out of their sex life. If it's sex, well by all means go get sexed up. If it's a semi decent relationship...what the hell are you thinking?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNice, well-put.
sooooooooooooo whats your name?
Well I for one can say that being a guy named Courtney is not helpful. However, I wised up around 18 and started going by Court which seemed to make things better.
It has to do with evolution and s**t, it's not because they are mean or anything, it's not a conscious judgment. Nature made us assholes, I am truly sorry :/
I don't like "bad boys", I seriously don't, I know you won't believe me, but any guy who treats me badly doesn't have any chance at all of sleeping with me. As for the whole not liking "nice guys" thing, it's partially true, I don't like men who are really aggressively, overwhelmingly nice to me right away (before they even know me) because I know they're probably just doing it thinking I'll feel obligated to sleep with them and if too much time goes by and I don't put out they'll start showing their true faces and whining to their friends about what a frigid b***h I am and how I "used" them or as soon as I do sleep with them the quality of the way they treat me will instantly plummet. It's also a red flag when a complete stranger walks up to me and instantly starts gushing about how beautiful I am (for the same reason that the "nice guy" act is a red flag) another one is if the first question a guy asks me is "how old are you?"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThis may come as a shock, but the guys I'm most attracted to are the ones who just have real conversations with me, you know, as if I were a person.
So was the paragraph and a half enough justification to deem yourself "different"? I highly doubt this article was put out there to generalize ALL women, it was to note TRENDS in a certain demographic, namely the women who frequent bars and clubs when looking for "boyfriends". Unless you're one of those women, I highly doubt this article will make anyone around you start making assumptions about your character.
@Reyo,
What did you even mean by the question at the beginning of your comment? Because the way you phrased it sounded like you thought that I thought that the act of writing a paragraph in itself made me different...and that doesn't make any sense...and why was different in quotation marks? Did you think I was saying that I was different and there for special? Because I assure you that I'm well aware of the fact that I'm no more different from anyone else than anyone else is from me. Everyone is different, so being different is nothing special. You really must have misinterpreted my comment, because you seem to think that I was disagreeing with the article; I wasn't, I was just saying that they seem to have slightly misinterpreted their findings. Most of the things the article says are true, just not in the way that the author thinks they are. I think I'm well equipped to weight in on articles that seem to be trying to unravel the "mystery" of how women think for the same reason that so many other women have written lengthy responses here, because I am a woman.
What I meant by my question was that all of that paragraph was really not necessary, nor should it have been any sort of epiphany causing information for anyone. Throughout reading it, I was wondering where you'd get to the bit that I haven't already been force fed by people whenever the issue of "girls like bad boys" pops up. Every time it does, a dozen and a half people feel the need to point out that "not all women are like that!" and quite frankly...it's starting to make me think that each person who does decide to write a mini thesis on the subject is more trying to convince themselves than anyone else.
"Pfft, whatever, that is totally not true for me..."
"BITCH GET IN HERE!!"
"Yes babe!"
That's an extreme example of what goes on in my head whenever I read paragraphs like yours. No, I'm not saying that's how it is for you, but for some reason I can't get that scene out of my head when the issue comes up.
... all right, I give on women. Think I'm into dicks now, I'm familiar with their workings.
ReplyPeople look at me weird when I talk about my boyfriend because of his name. Lawrence. Or Larry, as I affectionately call him. Say the name Larry to someone they get a picture of the stupid, blue collar worker (also they think of a white guy) and not the sweet, intelegent collage scholar (with a blue collar job...now...wow a 20 year old college student who is actually working!) that is my man...(also his last name is Hernedez...so...)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMy blue collar working father was named Larry! Lol
Lawrence is a great name... but Larry - no.
You should maybe get him to spell-check your comments huh?
is this really true
ReplyYeah, I agree with a lot of the comments on #2. It's more of a pushover versus nice guy thing. I also think it's a lot of what kind of girl are you going for and in what environment. If I want an angel, I'm going to have to treat her like an angel. If I'm at the night club having fun, well, so are they. So I've got to be a little more "devil may care" type.
ReplyI find #6 rather difficult to understand. My first thought was, "So, if he sounds stupid, maybe I should give him a chance."
ReplyBut then I realized... what if he's just f*cking stupid?
I’m not so sure about #6 – it depends on what you’re saying. If you’re babbling mindlessly, that’s not so attractive. But if you’re having an engaging, easy conversation, it can only help your chances…
ReplyI also have to disagree with #5 – if a guy doesn’t seem interested in me, then I’m not interested. Period. I’d actually go far as to say that one of the main qualities I look for in a guy is being interested in me. Crazy, right?
A lot of comments have already hit the nail on the head for #3, but I’ll go ahead and state the obvious and say that too much flattery comes across as desperate and/or insincere (which it probably is). But a compliment doesn’t necessarily go amiss – it probably works better than outright ignoring the girl anyway, despite what #5 says.
Ahhh, #2. The old “nice guys finish last”, inevitably leading on to “girls dig jerks”. A distinction needs to be made between an actual nice guy, and guys who won’t stand up for themselves. Each to their own, but as a general rule girls don’t usually gravitate towards the latter. Likewise, a guy who's assertive shouldn't automatically be considered a bastard. There is a huge difference.