For better or worse, Twitter is a full-fledged phenomenon these days. And why not? How else are we supposed to know when Ashton Kutcher is going to the grocery store? But as fantastic as it is to finally be able to let people know that you're in a shoe store without having to tote along a laptop, technology should be used with caution. There are just some places where you really shouldn't get your tweet on. For example...
#6. From a Bar
Unless you're a sports announcer or you happen to be hosting the last hour of the Today Show, getting hammered while doing anything that involves communicating with people via technology is usually a bad idea. For most of us, tweeting while drunk isn't a problem, provided you are among the 99.9 percent of users that nobody gives a shit about. But for celebrities, it's a whole different story. For every tweet, there are countless scrutinizing bloggers and journalists praying that you say something stupid.
San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Brian Wilson found this out the hard way.
After blowing his first save of the season during a day game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that couldn't hit their way into the second round of a Whack-A-Mole tournament, fans and sportswriters started looking for something to blame his shitty performance on. In short order, they came up with a plausible theory thanks to this...
As Wilson's tweets from the night before reveal, not only does he drink pansy ass coffee drinks and aspire to be Don Johnson circa 1985, but he was hanging out in a bar (and coming dangerously close to getting into fistfights) until after 1 am the morning of the game. Sure, damn near all of us have shown up to work hungover before, but we aren't getting paid millions of dollars to do our shit.
Above: Cracked headquarters, Monday morning.
After word of the ill-timed tweets got out, fans far and wide were questioning Wilson's dedication to the game. A few feeble attempts at explaining himself later (it was all made up!), Wilson did what most of us hope all Twitter users will do eventually. He deleted his Twitter account entirely.
#5. On Vacation
What would Twitter be if it didn't give users the opportunity to lord the awesomeness of their station in life over their lowly friends?
It's only natural that if you're heading out for a kickass vacation you would want to tell everyone about it. That's great if you're just relaying the information to people you trust. But some people find joy in telling the entire goddamned world about it. But with that joy comes some inherent risks, chief among them, the risk that Internet criminals will know that your home and the thousands of dollars worth of computer and video equipment inside it are unoccupied and waiting for hot singles in their area to steal them and pawn them off for drug money.
The above video is a news report about Israel Hyman, a professional podcaster (really?) who posted a tweet to let the entire Internet know that he was going to be out of town for awhile.
In turn, the Internet (or at least a very small portion of it) decided to break into his home and take some shit. Granted, it can't be conclusively proven that the tweet led to the break in, but damn, is that really the kind of shit you want to tell everyone about? Prior to the Internet, did people who left town post giant signs on their house saying they were bailing for a few days? Nope, that would just be stupid. But apparently, posting the same information on the Web is completely reasonable. In our professional opinion, for his blatant stupidity, Israel kind of deserved to have his shit tooken. (Welcome to the comments section, Grammar Police!)
#4. From School
Understand, when we say don't tweet from school, we're not talking about students. You little bastards can do whatever you please. Social Networking is one of the only things making money these days so maybe tweeting your way through Pre Calc is the exact type of training you need for the future.
Instead, we're talking about teachers. Listen up Teach, children are the future (insert shivers down spine here), it's your job to ensure that future is not one that resembles the underrated Mike Judge cult-classic, Idiocracy. The least you could do is lay off the tweeting when you're in class and pay some attention to your flock. And we're sure 99 percent of the teachers out there do. That's more than can be said for some as of yet nameless teacher in Scotland.
This beacon of positive childhood development found time between handing out hall passes and confiscating switchblades to post several derogatory messages about her students on Twitter. A number of those tweets were posted during classroom hours, including these niceties:
"The thought of having some of my S4 beyond exam time doesn't bear thinking about."
"Had S3 period 6 Friday for last two years, usually following two periods prep time. Don't know who least wants to do anything, them or me"
"Have three Asperger's boys in S1 class - never a dull moment! Always offer an interesting take on things."
"Haha, and you say there's no cure for Asperger's? That's great, you're hilarious, keep it up."
We're not sure what S3, S1 or S4 means, but we're guessing it's similar to the metric system in that most Americans don't care to learn anything about it. Of course, once parents got wind of the teacher's lackadaisical attitude toward their presumably asshole kids, they were furious. One parent expressed her outrage thusly, "She is paid a lot of money to do her job and it is unbelievable that she is sitting talking about them on a computer rather than teaching." Highly paid teachers? You foreigners is so crazy!