5 Celebrity Careers Launched by Ethnic Makeovers
It's 2009, and race still matters. Especially if you're in front of the cameras and realize that in these enlightened times audiences like racial diversity as long as, you know, everyone looks sort of white.
Here are five celebrities who found fame and fortune thanks largely to an extensive ethnic makeover.
#5.
Cindy Margolis
Cindy Margolis was born a gorgeous, brunette, Jewish girl. She continued being all three of those things in the 80s, when she was making okay money as a model. Her biggest credit was "Ribcage Girl" in a video called Shape up for Sensational Sex.
She needed to take that next step to stardom, and she knew that here in America we like a certain type of girl.
This type. This is the type.
The Metamorphosis:
A. Nose job. She had them thin the bridge of the nose. Now it makes us sound like dicks to say she did it to make herself look "less Jewish" but the truth is, the procedure is depressingly very common for that exact reason. The first nose job ever performed was on a Jewish patient, in an era when it wasn't done out of vanity, but because of the terrible things that tended to happen to Jews in those days. So our society has advanced, but only to the point that you still have to do the procedure if you want to sell a certain number of bikini posters.
B. Cheek implants. Fuller, higher cheeks give her a more "All-American" or Midwestern look.
C. Eye lift. Notice the complete re-sculpting of the area around her "ethnically" bushy eyebrows.
The Payoff:
Umm, how about this for starters:
After making the change to wholesome blonde, Margolis's bikini pics became a sensation in 1995, on some newfangled device called "the World Wide Web." She soon became a modeling phenomenon, advertised as "The Sexiest Woman Online."
However, this life of extreme fame and fortune, just for laying around, is eclipsed by her greatest achievement: Her own reality show where douchebags line up to win her affections.
So surgery or not, that appears to be the ceiling for Cindy.
#4.
Jackie Chan and Lindsay Price
Jackie Chan has been doing action movies since before a lot of you were born; doing stunt work in the early 70s for action movies in Hong Kong, then becoming an international movie star in the late 70s and early 80s. He spent the next 30 years beating the shit out of hapless opponents in hilarious ways.
Lindsay Price, meanwhile, saw her career sputter after her role as Janet on 90210 was through. Her roles were limited to guest parts and horrible, tanking TV shows. Of course, tough times can usually be expected from someone whose mom and dad are adopted siblings.
The Metamorphosis:
A. Both Lindsay--whose father was Korean--and Jackie had blepharoplasty, more commonly known as an eyelid tuck. This is a hugely popular surgery among Asians, where the eyelids are given an extra forced fold to appear more open and "Western." Jackie Chan supposedly had his done back in 1976, knowing that being a movie star meant getting a foot in the door in Hollywood, where the attitude was that stars of kung fu movies should look Asian, but not that Asian.
B. Lindsay also had a chin implant, which gives the jaw a rounder, more Caucasian look. Interestingly, these implants are traditionally done with silicone, which explains the common desire to motorboat Lindsay's chin.
The Payoff:
Lindsay Price's IMDB page says it all. Notice the distinctly Asian names of characters she plays until 2007:
Kimmy Kim, Dr. Honda, Michael Lai, the list goes on.
Then, in 2007, the character names distinctly change:
Joanna Frankel, Nikki Wickersham and the "big" role that's kept her paid: Victory Ford in Lipstick Jungle.
What's most intriguing is Lindsay's chameleon-like ability to flip on command:
Maybe we should just shut up about Ms. Price and her aggressive mutant powers.
#3.
Rita Hayworth
One of the defining silver screen sex symbols, Rita Hayworth was born with the much less American-sounding name, Margarita Carmen Cansino.
She was raised in a Spanish dance family, and spent much of her childhood dancing in bars (see? It's totally a legitimate way to raise a kid.) After Hayworth, er, Cansino's father moved the family to Hollywood, the 16-year-old signed with Fox studios. She tried a few minor roles, but never got her big break. Fox studios decided not to renew her option.
The Metamorphosis:
Columbia Pictures came along and, not being much for political correctness, pretty much told Cansino that her lack of success was due to her being way too Spanish-y. So, Cansino agreed to go along with a few surgical processes, such as:
A. Painful Hairline Electrolysis
Cansino had a low hairline, which pegged her as a Latina. This is the same discrimination which kept Vega out of the World Warrior tournament, until he wore a mask to conceal his hairline.
Cansino submitted to getting electric shocks to kill her follicles and stop them from growing. Keep in mind this is the 1930s, when "anaesthesiology" usually meant "stroking your hand while you chugged from a flask of bourbon." Next time you have a hot hair curler or a live wire, poke yourself in the forehead with it several hundred times. Now you're as pretty as Rita Hayworth... well, not yet, you still need some...
B. Skin Lightening
Now that you've got fresh shock marks on your forehead, scrub them with this bleach solution. That's exactly what Cansino did, all over her entire body. Skin lightening is a dangerously unregulated practice even now, but it was significantly worse 70 years ago. But, Cansino wasn't done yet, before she signed with Columbia, she also had to have a...
C. Hair Color and Name Change
Carmen Cansino became Rita Hayworth. Her dark hair was died auburn. The transformation complete, Rita Hayworth now looked Saltine enough for Columbia:
The Payoff:
Not five years before, the young immigrant's daughter was dancing in smoky bars for coins. After her "honky-fication," she became the hottest thing in sanctioned Armed Forces self-pleasure. A picture of her kneeling on a bed in a nightgown sold 5 million copies. Her likeness was fashioned on the side of atomic bombs.
Columbia starred Hayworth in many successful pictures, most notably, Gilda. Rita Hayworth found herself dancing with stars like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly. Eventually, she settled down and married a prince.
The next time somebody tells you the path to success is "just be yourself," tell them Rita's inspirational story. It's all about skin-bleaching.
Well, not always...
Rita Hayworth was actually kind of pretty before she had the makeover.
ReplyLOL what a bunch of lies. Rita skin was darkened during that movie with Charlie Chang. She was pure white. Spaniards are white and I know since I had been living in Spain for 15 yr and I am a white US man, Next you will say that George Clooney is not white either.
ReplyBTW MMonroe changed her name and went from dark hair to blond. Very common in those days.
Yeah, what Ward Churchill wrote IS true most of the time, he's just not a good source (he likes to do hack things like out of context quote mining and never contextualizes anything).
ReplyLindsay Price's mother is Korean, her father is German and something else. (I didn't know this before, I looked it up after reading in this article that they were adopted siblings.) Her father's parent's adopted a Korean girl, and that's how the two met (and fell in love).
ReplyBeyonce should be on this list. I'm a fan of hers, but I noticed she is starting to look less and less African American. Check out the album art from her album 4, and then look at pictures of her from her Destiny's Child years. Totally different look.
ReplyI think that's just... really sad. Stupid as it may sound, people should be appreciated as they are. They shouldn't have to look whiter in order to be liked; for a society that touts diversity and embracing other cultures, we sure have a lot of s**t to get together.
ReplyWow. Lindsay Price was so much prettier before. Now *I* look more Asian than her, and I'm only 1/8 Asian. O.o
ReplyWhether or not she was prettier before really SHOULD NOT be the focus.
Love how some commenters are picking out little phrases just to be offended at.
ReplyWow, the one on Ward Churchill took me by complete surprise, I had read his paper a while back.
ReplyFor your information: It is arguable that Jackie Chan got the eye-lid surgery to look more "western". Those eyese are not exclusive to westerners or caucasians to be exast. There are plenty of asians with those eyes naturally. In addition, black people have those eyes. So I ask: Is having eyes with double eyelids a western exclusive feature?
ReplyIt wasn't said that he wanted to look caucasian, just less asian.
Whats up with the 4 thumbs down? Farking nazis.
Sorry but Rita Hayworth looks much better than Margarita Carmen Cansino
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat is a completely subjective assertation driven by a complex series of lessons in cultural preferences in physical beauty throughout your life, and the LEAST you could do to not sound like a semi-racist a**hole is to put an "I think..." somewhere in there, acknowledging the fact that it is a subjective value judgement. Douche.
I thought she looked pretty before the makeover
I would f**k either one. But then again, I would f**k any female with a pulse who isn't morbidly obese.
Lindsay Price was so much prettier before.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI think so too, but opinions don't get pissy landlords and the rent off your back.
I completely agree.
That is a completely subjective assertation driven by a complex series of lessons in cultural preferences in physical beauty throughout your life, and the LEAST you could do to not sound like a semi-racist a**hole is to put an "I think..." somewhere in there, acknowledging the fact that it is a subjective value judgement. Douche.
I see what you did there FlyingShoes
Lindsay Price and Rita Hayworth looked so pretty before their transformations.
ReplyLove Iron Eyes and can understand him....but Churchill is a douchebag bilge pump and deserves everything (bad) he has coming to him.
ReplyI like nappy hair. Correction, I love it. I don't like that so many black girls wear extensions to have their hair seem more white (longer and straighter). Seriously, I wish our culture could accept that short or nappy hair on black girls looks damn good.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI hate the word 'nappy' so much. Is that just me?
I remember the first time I touched an afro. It was so soft.
The part I hate is that many Black girls do it subconsciously. They don't realize the look they love praises other cultures while destroying their own. Black girls go through the most to change their hair, I;ll rock dreads till I die. It's much less work.
funny, i'm black and was born with very soft, curly hair. if i blow dry it, it straightens. and it's the so-called 'enlightened' people like you that take one look at my hair and assume i'm trying to be something i'm not.
but how about this: why shouldn't black women be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their hair without being subjected to your personal opinions being stated as some sort of political awareness? white women die their hair red; i've never seen a forum of blondes accusing them of being ashamed and trying to look irish. so why do we have to play by a different set of rules?
to top it off, you are probably the same type of people that get offended by any notion that black people are different from white people, or feel themselves being judged by white people; yet, you by your own words have just judged any black woman who decides that she likes the way her hair looks straight; or decides it would be cool to have her eyes match her outfit that day; or in general just decides she doesn't want to look a certain way to appease YOUR idea of what black looks like. you're basically THE worst type of hypocrite. but if i decided to go against my natural look, or if a woman were to add extensions in her hair to have dreadlocks, THAT would be acceptable to you? what about women who wear afro wigs? that isn't natural, that isn't them being who they are, but you would find THAT acceptable??
and while you spend so much time feeling sorry for the "black girls [who want to look white] subconsciously," in all your pro-black, i'm nappy so i'm more conscious than you glory, what else, exactly, have you done to help your black community? have you bopped your nappy afro down to an urban league or community program and volunteered to help any of the black people you're so concerned about not being proud enough? when was the last time you spoke to a crowd of at-risk urban black children to help them get ahead in life? have you joined, or at least attempted to join, the peace corps, or any other mission, to go to africa and help the black culture that you think you pay omage to with your kinky hair? wtf does a hair texture have to do with what one gives back to their community? how does my, or anyone else, choice of hairstyle give you the right to assume how we feel about our race? what exactly makes your idea of black and what is representative of being black so utterly benevolent that you can stand in turn and judge someone else's sense of heritage by the way they wear their hair?
shut the f**k up. you're not conscious, you're not aware, you're not neo-urban. you're just a judgmental dick.
I agree with Robwyld about Lindsay Price. Also, her mother was Korean.
ReplyI think Lindsay Price was hotter before the surgery. What a shame
ReplyOh great...more 'evil White race' bashing on Cracked...what a surprise...
ReplyThanks for your insightful comment. I'm glad you took the time to read the introduction and every entry to find that the author doesn't agree with any of this, but realizes for some entries, it was a product of the times, and for all of them, it was desperation to become famous. I also love that you realize that this in no way blames whites or any race, just the racial complexes we have in the West
I don't like how this author is wrongfully stereotyping a whole people as having a low hairline! Go check Spain's basketball/soccer National team, models and actresses and you will see none have low hairline. Oh and just FYI it's been published (Daily Mail) that Rita's father was of Jewish descent so hey Maybe a low hairline is a Jewish"-y" thing. right? What an a-hole this Hoovler is, I bet he is the type of American that expects to be served enchiladas at a restaurant that serves Spanish cuisine...
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesReally? For one your getting offended by racial hairline stereotyping...for another you do the same thing calling it a possible 'jewish'y' hairline...You also don't prove a point by saying 'but I've seen it myself!Go look if you don't believe me!' while quickly blaming it on someone else. Your like a kid trying to prove the dog broke the vase...
Seriously. I completely agree with Chixchik. I bet you're the type of person who expects every Russian you meet to be hilariously drunk all the time.
And I'd add that any given racial feature doesn't happen on every given member of any given race. Even those that do are to varying degrees. Where did the author say all Spanish people have low hairlines? Nowhere. But Anglos and other Europeans rarely have hairlines that low, whereas it's not rare among the people of Spain. That's nothing against the Spanish, it's just observable fact. Christ, not everything observable about race is racist! Stop fishing for something to be offended about and give it a f*****g rest!
You said Africans have brown skin! Racist! What about Dave Matthews, Charlize Theron, and the guy from The Mighty Ducks/Lethal Weapon 3!
Also, there is nothing wrong with having a lower hairline. I'm Irish/German and my hairline is quite high. It gives me an overly large forehead that blinds people when it's sunny and frightens little children who think I might be Frankenstein.
Karen: "If you're from Africa, why are you white?"
Gretchen: "OMG Karen you can't just ask people why they're white!"
I'd call you retarded, except that would be an insult to the mentally challenged. The author is just telling us what happened! Obviously it was the studio who decided it made her look too latina. THEY were the ones who made her do it after all. Also, while it is certainly undeniable that America's Latino races all share a history of being RAPED AND PILLAGED by the Spanish, they also share one other SMALL feature: They're all from the New World! Many of them also had a significant amount of African descent mixed in during the last several centuries. So comparing them to current Spanish (you know, that Western European and therefore Caucasian country) ascetics is just, well, STUPID. And while it is of course never true that every single member of an ethnic group will share a particular physical characteristic, that's why we have generalization, which is where stereotypes come from. Almost any American looking at the two pictures of her side by side would think the first looked like a Latina woman and the second looked like a Caucasian woman. And that is due in part to her noticeably lower hairline in the first picture.
I remember there was one Beverly Hillbillies episode where Mrs. Drysdale was holding a Thanksgiving photoshoot with these "Indian" actors who were really Jewish. The Clampetts, ie. Granny, think they are real Native Americans, hilarity ensues, and they all end the episode eating gefilte fish.
Reply