Chimney Sweep's Scrotum: 10 Bizarre Job-Related Illnesses
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Not everyone can live the life of an Internet comedy writer, sipping on Thunderbird and eating real Kraft macaroni and cheese (not that knock off shit the peasants eat). As we understand it some people out there have thankless jobs that are not only devoid of riches and glamour, but actually can cause you harm. Horrifying, strangely specific harm. #10.
Chimney Sweep's Scrotum Cancer
Back in Victorian times, part of the chimney sweep job description was to go naked into the smaller chimneys because for some reason cleaning out caked on carcinogens whilst fully clothed just wasn't funny or sadistic enough for Victorian sensibilities. There was no higher form of entertainment back then than a decrepit, cancer-ridden chimney sweep with an ass crack Spackled shut with decades-old soot.
Unfortunately for the chimney sweep, a lifetime of this kind of work lead to chimney sweep's cancer, or Cancer Scroti, because any disease that happens to your scrotum is just that much more depressing. Malignant sores referred to as "soot wart" would appear, and then spread like a tiny, crusty army. At first it was thought to be a venereal disease, as chimney sweeps were apparently known for being sooty gigolos, but eventually it was diagnosed as the first occupational cancer.
Seeing as this took place in an age when medicine hadn't graduated much beyond putting leeches on stab wounds and drinking tea to overcome broken limbs the cure was to cut off the "affected portions". Surprisingly the cure almost never worked, and the newly sackless sweeps would invariably die of some form of internal cancer. It does explain why those lovable Cockney chimney sweeps in Mary Poppins sang such a sweet soprano, though. #9.
Bagpiper's Fungus
Ah, bagpipes; the beloved sound of Scotland and aquatic mammals in labor. Potentially one of the oldest instruments in existence that, after nearly 3,000 years of evolution, is still less appealing than a bag of smashed assholes. It doesn't help that the pipes are also home to a far more insidious villain than just the sound they make.
Bagpipes are made of sheepskin traditionally coated in treacle or honey on the lining to keep it airtight. The inside is sticky, dark and damp, much like the insides of the Scots who make them, making it a breeding ground for such wee beasties as spores and fungus, including Aspergillum and Cryptococcus.
Needless to say the pipers end up breathing those bacteria in and falling prey to illnesses like pneumonia, respiratory infections and an undiagnosed mental disorder that makes them want to continue playing the bagpipes. #8.
Cheese Washer's Lung
We had no idea cheese washer was even a career option (probably an oversight thanks to a drunken high school guidance counselor who only recommended haberdasher or whore), but apparently it's someone's job to buff and shine the Gouda before it hits the shelves.
While it seems a simple enough task, grab a shamwow and spit polish a few wedges, it's sadly not all glamorous cheese rubbing. With every breath you take, you could be sucking layer after layer of dairy drenched bacteria into your lungs, putting your immune system into overdrive and making your insides spongy and disgusting like aerosol Easy Cheese.
In time, your body will begin to ache and grow feverish, along with developing a shortness of breath. Given enough time, you will likely suffer weight loss and lung scarring and if it's chronic you'll be saddled with interstitial inflammation and alveolar destruction. We don't even know what that means but it sounds like the most hardcore thing that'll ever happen to a cheese washer. #7.
Butcher's Warts
Up to their elbows in prime rib, chicken breasts and pig sphincter, butchers are the unsung hero of every barbeque and bris. Besides enjoying a workplace that's typically bathed in blood and gore, butchers are subject to their own special malady, Butcher's warts, which are a variation of the Human Papillomavirus.
Modern medicine is still not sure why, but something about covering your hands in raw, room temperature animal offal makes human skin a haven for the viruses that cause warts. Not just common warts either, but cauliflower-like lesions which is a fancy way of saying they resemble the crotches of whores who work for coupons instead of cash.
These commonly appear on the hands of the butcher who is currently rubbing them all over your T-bone. Sure you don't want to give the tofu another try? #6.
Wool Sorter's Disease
As the name suggests, this condition usually afflicts those working with wool, like sheep shearers. What the name doesn't suggest is just how bad this disease actually is. The more common name is anthrax. Actual, terrifyingly awful anthrax. The stuff the terrorists were threatening to send around. Fucking sheep.
So say you're busy shaving and/or wrestling your favorite sheep one evening and everything seems kosher until you start feeling a little off. At first you think you're coming down with a cold or flu, but within a day or two your lymph nodes will start rotting and bleeding , you can contract meningitis, high fever, and severe abdominal pain before finally suffering a fatal respiratory collapse all from breathing in the bacteria hidden in sheep's wool.
Even when caught early, the mortality rate is nearly 100 percent. Fucking sheep. |
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One time, while I was mining, my right nut swol'up like a nectarine. I couldn't sit or squat or even move without spraying hot tears of agony. (From my eyes... just in case you think that's some kind of funky lingo for "infected jizz".)
I went to see my doc and he squeezed my fiery nut and told me I had "nickel dust" in my epididymus (sp?). Further, he said that the miners "get it all the time."
Somehow, these mineral flecks work their way into your privatest parts and f**k your junk up like that. From experience, I can tell you it's like tea-bagging the Devil!
"Chimney Sweep's Scrotum"? I like "Nickel Nuts", or a tasty M-word for balls that alliterates nicely with "Miner".
"you'll be saddled with interstitial inflammation and alveolar destruction"
The interstitial space is the space between each individual cell and the alveoli are the smallest working part of your lungs.(other parts being the right and left mainstem bronchus,the bronchioles,alveolar ducts and alveoli {might have missed some, been a while since i took anatomy})
I've lived in Scotland all my life (16 years) and I HATE the sound of bagpipes.
this list is why i love the site. i'm offically a cracked.com jay omg
Chimney sweeps' scrotum cancer is not believed to be the first occupation-related cancer...instead, it's breast cancer among nuns (identified a century earlier). Is now known that pregnancy, particularly for younger women/girls, has a preventive effect against the disease. (May be related to human chorionic gonadotropin hormone which is elevated by the placenta.)
That said, these all pretty well pale in comparison to Ebola. Not related to any occupations, but I would immediately ask for a mercy killing if I contracted any form of Ebola.
Those Filoviruses are f*****g bad ass. They're the kind of diseases that if they ever broke out, the entire human race would be fucked up the arse sideways with a pole axe.
Gotta say, if I had lived in those times, I would pay my chimney sweeps TRIPLE.
It makes me laugh that the link to the authority on all things sheepish is the Welsh NHS.
To anyone who doesn't know, the Welsh are eternally mocked as 'sheep-shaggers' in Britain.
You know what's fun, go to that site with the longest word on it and use the search function and try to find dirty words in the middle of it. You know some scientist put something bitchin awesome in there somewhere.
You forgot Mad Hatter Syndrome.
Hatters used to work with mercury and lead for a long time and it would cause them to "go mad," essentially.
Wow. My husband is a coal miner. Yet another thing to worry about.
manleyart: That would actually be the name for Tryptophan Synthetase A, a 267 amino acid enzyme that catalyzes the last step in synthesizing Tryptophan. :D
Gotta love enzymes and their functional names.
The tryptophan in turkey isn't enough to make you sleepy. What does it is from eating so much at Thanksgiving, that your brain redirects more bloodflow to the stomach and intestines to aid digestion, and away from other areas in the body (the brain being one). From an evolutionary standpoint, hell...if you can afford to have eaten that much back in the caveman days, you could definitely afford a solid nap.
The scrotum stuff scares the hell out of me though...no longer searching for a house with a fireplace. f**k that.
That's right, Bloed37; we women folk write s**t, too.
Holy s**t this article made my day.
*looks at author*
SUSAN?
WAT
Manleyart,
Not even close. If you accept chemical names as words (which most lexicographers do not), the longest word in English, or any other language, is the name of what is usually called titan, which can be viewed here:
http://luminaryuprise.wikidot.com/longest-word
No, the longest word in the english language is the full name for Tryptophan, the chemical in turkey that makes you sleepy:
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucyl phenylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyl lysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenyl alanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisol eucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartyl threonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartyl alanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenyl alanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolyl threonylisoleucylglutaminylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucyl arginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl prolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamyl methionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysyl histidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylglycylleucyl leucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenyl alanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenyl alanyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalyl glycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalyl prolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanyl arginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginyl valylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinyl prolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucyl leucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycyl arginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginyl alanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginyl arginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidyl leucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginyl alanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanyl glycylisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysyl alanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycyl alanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisol eucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucyl glutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyl lysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylprolylmethionyllysyl alanylalanylthreonylarginylserine.
However, for Chimney Sweep's Scrotum it would be:
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
One more addition to this list: Cashew Picker's Rash. This is a name I just made up for the phenomenon of cashew farmers/growers/harvesters getting poison-ivy-like rashes on their skin. They get it 'cause cashew shells have an oil very similar to poison ivy oil. Handling the shell will almost always give you a bubbly oozy rash. This is why cashews are never sold in the shell. And just to be safe, cashew nuts are usually roasted at really high temperature to destroy the bad oil in case any of it got on them. (Naturally, only the shells have the oil; the nuts do not have the oil in them, but through handling the oil could get on them.) What I want to know is, who was the first poor bastard to bust this nut, finding out the hard way that cashew shells give you a horribly itchy, horribly ugly, horribly contagious rash all over your body? Sucks to be you!
BTW: Chimney Sweep's Scrotum should really be number 1 on this list, 'cause it's the most God-awful disease I've ever heard of. I wonder if any women have died from Chimney Sweep Lover's Mouth after teabagging a chimney sweep with Chimney Sweep Scrotum?
oh my god there is a ghost in that mans lung!
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My cousins got their MFAs at SF Conservatory and Julliard. They play for the Hong Kong Philharmonic and both of them have fiddler's neck. It's a tiny, localised skin condition, which while a little off-putting, isn't really bizarre or horrifying. It's a small patch of dark, scaly skin, somewhat analogous to the callouses I have on my feet from ballet since it can be attributed to friction, moreso than poor hygeine. What does look a bit funny, however, is that their left shoulders are higher than their right ones.