7 Ridiculously Over-The-Top Modifications to Deadly Weapons
If we know our audience, most of you are armed right now.
And at some point you'll be sitting in your armory, drunk off your ass, sorting through your various weapons of death and thinking, "You know, I should really combine some of these to make one super weapon."
Well, you're not the only one. That's how we wound up with...
#7.
The Chainsaw Bayonet
Starts With:
The AR-15, an assault rifle which apparently just isn't good enough on its own.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Attaching a fucking chainsaw to the barrel. In theory, this provides the AR-15 with a viable melee option in the event that every round in the magazine has missed its intended target. Cracked feels at that point, the chainsaw might as well be an enchurrito.
"This is a very good idea!"
To try to prove us wrong, the creator has posted his weapon on YouTube:
Yeah, it should be noted that while the chainsaw bayonet seems to be ideal for dispatching a band of marauding pumpkins, it would probably not fare as well against enemies that can move and/or shoot back.
Really Will Only Be Used By:
Gears of War nerds trying to carve FENIX into the side of their mom's hatchback after pulling an all-nighter drinking Mountain Dew game-fuel out of their collectible Halo 3 Slurpee cups.
#6.
The Wasp Knife Air-Shooting Knife
Starts With:
A nice, sharp diving knife, designed for hate-killing the living shit out of octopi, sharks, other divers, Snorks and Ursula the Sea Witch.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Adding a gas canister in the handle to inject a basketball-sized wad of freezing cold gas out of the blade, and directly into the object of your stabbing aggression. It's labor-saving technology!
The knife's official website cites many practical applications for the gas-inflation technology, such as floating carcasses to the surface to avoid attracting more predators and punishing disobedient children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
Also, if you hate watermelons, you can stab AND blow it up. Finally.
What the website doesn't explain is why anyone would shell out $400 for what amounts to a pointy can of Dust-Off, unless the army finally read all those letters we sent them and are preparing to fight the greatest threat our nation has yet faced: terrorist sharks.
Really Will Only Be Used By:
James Bond. In Live and Let Die, Bond dispatched Kananga with a shark-gun pellet to the face, inflating him like a balloon until he exploded. We imagine MI6 buys this Wasp Knife shit by the gross.
#5.
The TAC-15 Machine Gun/Crossbow
Starts With:
The crossbow, favored weapon of Wookiees and Renaissance Faire nerds everywhere.
Becomes Ridiculous By:
Not being a standalone crossbow. The TAC-15 is designed as an "upper" attachment for the AR-15, a space generally reserved for the portion of the gun that fires bullets.
It appears that the AR-15 is kind of the gun-dweeb's version of Linux: All kinds of modifications can be made to it, but most of them make about as much sense as tying your dick to a roller skate. The AR-15 also happens to be a semi-automatic rifle, which, by the way, is what we invented specifically so we wouldn't have to use crossbows any more.
It's like this, but for weapons.
The website for the TAC-15 offers no logical reason to put the crossbow on top of an assault rifle body, and the best we can come up with is if you also strap a laser or railgun underneath it you'll be set to do battle wherever your time machine lands you.
Really Will Only Be Used By:
NRA members who also enjoy RenFair.
Note that if cheating at Civil War reenactments is your thing, please see the combination AR-15/black powder musket.
#4.
The AA-12 Fully Automatic Shotgun
Starts With:
The ever-reliable shotgun.
Become Ridiculous By:
Making that shotgun fully automatic and adding fucking grenades.
Yes, the AA-12 is fully automatic, capable of firing 300 rounds per minute, and yes, those rounds can be super-sized to grenades. Military Police Systems, who owns the patent on the AA-12--hereafter known as "GigaShotgun"--has been trying to sell the weapon to various militaries for 18 years without much success, presumably due to the divisive nature of their slogan "You can never have too much shotgun."
Apparently even the most militant dictator realizes that should the need to buckshot five people a second arise, an emergency escape submarine would probably be a better investment.
Really Will Only Be Used By:
Currently there is but one user of the AA-12: the HAMMER Remotely-Operated Weapons System, which is a completely autonomous robot designed to be attached to either unmanned ground or aerial vehicles. In other words, it gets driven around by other robots. This puts us roughly one coffee-spilling intern away from the wrath of an unstoppable death machine.
Sleep tight.
On the other hand, a crossbow is a lot more stealthy than a gun. So #5 could be useful if you're an assassin and a regular soldier.
ReplyOnly thing is, the crossbow replaces the rifle's barrel.
I signed up an account just to say this, because every time I see it, it makes my head explode:
ReplyIt is not a bazooka. A "Bazooka" is not even an actual rocket launcher; it is a nickname for the M1A1 and M9A1 (And technically the M20) rocket launchers, based on the similarities in appearance of the launcher tube to a musical instrument inventented by 1930's comedian Bob Burns. Do not refer to the M-388 as a bazooka.
P.S. 99.999% of all guns ever do not use a clip for direct ammunition feed. They use a magazine. Maybe 15 guns in all of history use an en bloc clip.
Think I might check the price on that AA-12, because seriously, one can never have too much shotgun.
Reply#5{TAC-15 Machine Gun/Crossbow}
ReplyThis gun makes more sense than you realise, the crossbow is quite an effective stealth ranged weapon and when you need mre conventional firepower you have a the machine gun at your disposal.
I can so see special forces using a weapon like this.
One little problem: the crossbow REPLACES the barrel of the rifle if you look a little closer at the photo. You have to take off the bow and put the gun's shooty bits (technical term) back on before you can use it as a rifle again.
u forgot to mention, the Davy Crockett has a range of 2000 meters, and a blast radius of 2500 meters, FACEPALM!!!!!!
ReplySeeing as it was only about a 0.1 Kiloton, somehow I think not.
Fistablasting reminded me of bender in futurama, and his invented crime of "burgalarcenarsony"
Replyactually, the revolver/knife/brass knuckles (and probably cappichino machine) was used by a parisian street gang calling themselves the apaches, also. dammit parisians! why is a normal revolver not good enough for you! why do you have to have this moster and the Lefaucheux 20-Round!
Replymight i comment that the crossbow attachment has a singular stratiegic advantage being that its not f*****g LOUD in general situations i would agree with you the gun is more useful but if you don't want to be heard the crossbow makes sense and the AR-15 is commonly used by special ops units making quiet an important feature
ReplyThe Chainsaw Bayonet. When a redneck has a gun, finds a box of random s**t, and his daughters on her period.
Reply"fistablasting" had me giggling like an idiot.
Reply7 and 5 are f*****g stupid, an 1 is the definition of overkill.
Reply6 is surprising useful if you're a diver in certain parts of the world. I've seen footage of someone using it on a tiger shark, and lets just say I wouldn't have wanted to be the shark.
4 totally owns on Modern warfare 2.
On 3, I've read an account of Wilkes expedition, and the users reported being pleased with the Elgin's performace. And that gun/knife/knuckle thing was made by a French street gang (they do exist) called the Apaches. And yes, they were psycotic dickshits.
And on #2, covering a bomb in that would be total overkill, which is why the army found a much better way of using it: covering our tanks with blocks of the stuff. Seriously, it's called explosive reactive armor, and it can actually deflect armor piercing missiles before they hit- although it kinda sucks to be an infantryman escorting said tank.
The nicest thing about the Hammer (or the freakiest) is how much that looks like Skynet's Hunter-Killers. Awesome.
ReplyAlso where'd ou find the pic of the two greentunics with crossbows? Chick be bangin'
I think the point of the crossbow on the AR-15 is because crossbow bolts still have one small advantage over bullets, and that is the low noise level. So it's good for stealth, but that's it.
ReplyAlso terror. I have a piece of metal sticking in s less terrifying than "I have a large stick buried in my body"
Where are the tase-chucks and octo-shot sword?
ReplyInstead of strapping chainsaws and crossbows to AR-15s wouldn't it be a little more efficient to, oh i dunno, just carry an extra magazine?
ReplyA magazine filled with chainsaws? Truly a masterful vision if there ever was one! Huzzah on you sir!
#7 was hilarious, because I instantly thought Gears of War after seeing that weapon.
Replythe knife-gun?kinda like sora's gunblade from final fantasy.
ReplyI think you mean Squall. Sora has a KEYblade.
@rocmegamanx sora was also an incredible minor charater in the ff series in those games i dont thing i every saw sora fight
the tac 15 seems like a good option for a survival weapon,adding a silent re-useable option to an ar-15
ReplyExcept that the crossbow section is replacing the barrel. Meaning you can't fire bullets until you dismantle it and reattach the barrel. Now, if someone can make one that goes over the barrel somehow, instead...
reply to keegan139: In case you(AND THE GUY/GIRL/WHATEVER who wrote this)never bothered to do any REAL research on it,the crossbow DOES NOT replace the barrel.the two co-exist
Now #3 is what i call a tacical knife.
ReplyI wonder if you can rocket jump with number 1, lol!;)
ReplyInto the stratospere. Well, the few charred atoms that are left anyway.