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6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead

By Danny Harkins October 26, 2008 729,807 views
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So with the whole meltdown of the financial system, you're probably thinking about rioting soon. But while you gather up your bottles and stones and get ready to face down The Man, there's something you should know.

The riot police and military are both plunging into the future of crowd control, inventing space-age weapons that won't kill you, but will make you wish they had. Such as...

#6.
The PHASR (aka Crowd-Blinding Rifle)

This futuristic weapon is being developed by the US military, who call it the Personal Halting and Stimulation Response rifle. Why such a clumsy name? Because they wanted to call it a PHASR. Get it! Like in Star Trek! How cute! There's no way this thing could turn out to be horrifying!

They also call these weapons "dazzlers," proving for the second time in two paragraphs that many weapons designers have never known the touch of a woman. It projects a laser and is intended to "dazzle" and temporarily blind the target. It's kind of like one of those annoying laser pointers crossed with the BFG from Doom.

Why It Won't Kill You:

According to the makers of the weapon, when used properly it doesn't, under any circumstances, kill you or do any lasting damage. The beam temporarily blinds bad guys so they can be arrested, or they can be set up as a perimeter defense to keep an attack at bay.

Why You'll Wish it Had:

Ever went for a piss in the middle of the night, walked into the bathroom and turned on the light? Hurts, huh? Well this thing is many hundreds of times more powerful, and specially designed to project a wavelength that's most effective at short-circuiting your eyeballs.

Not many other nations are developing this technology. Now, this could be because the US military is far superior to those of the rest of the world. Or it could be that the 1995 Protocol on Blinding Laser Weapons banned lasers and the US military just couldn't give a fuck about international weapons bans.

The ban came after concern from humanitarian groups, something about potential crowds of blinded refugees wandering around in a war zone and slowly starving to death. So the PHASR developers just turned own the power enough to skirt the ban.

The problem is that they still had to make it powerful enough that even the biggest badass enemy soldier would still go running the opposite direction, screaming and clutching his eyeballs, but that it somehow wouldn't do any damage to an innocent toddler's still-developing retinas. Seems like kind of a fine line there, but we're sure they know what they're doing.

#5.
The Active Denial System (aka Massive Pain Ray)

The Active Denial System (ADS) is a giant heat ray (or pain ray as it's informally and less ambiguously known). The weapon fires electromagnetic radiation at the target causing a painful burning sensation.

It can penetrate through layers of clothing, though apparently can't pass through thick metal such as a trash can, so basically Oscar the Grouch should be fine but Big Bird is fucked.

Why It Won't Kill You:

The military says the ray only causes the impression of burning (they say your hair won't actually catch on fire, for instance). The ray just barely penetrates the skin, just enough to make your nerve endings think you're on fire. To prove this, they often invite people to stand in front of it.

Why You'll Wish it Had:

The military insists the weapon is safe because targets run away so quickly, and don't get a whole lot of exposure. Likewise, concerns that it can melt your fucking eyes were answered by pointing out how quickly people snap their eyes shut and turn away when blasted with the beam. So, what if you can't run away? Like, say, you are wounded because you're in a fucking war zone? We suppose you're going to lay there and feel like somebody stuck you in a microwave oven.

Not to mention that all of the safety testing was conducted by the army. The same people who want a green light given on the weapon's safety. So the testing procedure probably went like this:

The Army: Is that weapon safe?

The Army: Yes.

The Army: Excellent.

That problem is all of the scenarios that don't come up in testing (for instance when cops found out that tasers plus pepper spray equals fire). So the military will have a lot of explaining to do when the ADS crosses streams with a PHASR up there and sends the victim into another dimension.

#4.
The Laser Induced Plasma Channel (aka Invisible Pain Fence)

The Laser Induced Plasma Channel, or Portal Denial System, is the kind of electric barrier/force field we've seen in sci-fi for decades. So, it can be set up in a corridor to allow only authorized people to pass through it. Should unauthorized people pass through it, well, let's just say they'll have an electrifying experience. They might get quite a shock. They will suffer severe electric burns.

It's basically this:


Yeah, go get yourself a crowbar.

Why It Won't Kill You:

The Plasma Channel delivers a non-lethal electric charge which means it won't kill you, just as tasers won't kill you. They just make you thrash around and scream about injustice. Besides, if you happen to see the below in a corridor and you don't stay the fuck away from it, then you deserve everything you get. And what you'll get is 10,000 volts. Darwinism in action people.

Why You'll Wish it Had:

Ever stumble and fall into a wall? Did it hurt? Ever stumble and fall into an electric fence? Did that hurt? Ever stumble and fall through an electric barrier leaving your body caught between the electrified plasma channels, twitching in the high voltage current while you scream out in pain at the Portal Denial System operator who can't hear you because he's listening to baseball?

If not, then don't worry. The system is being developed for both "military and civilian applications," so you'll have plenty of chances to find out.

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138 Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSMyY3_dmrM&feature=player_embedded

Fun Times with Non Lethal Crowd Control Weapons. Who needs a constitution anymore?

10/3/2009 5:03:51 PM
Lolercaust

They may not be lethal but they're all f*****g cruel.

9/9/2009 10:59:42 AM
mordredlefay

This article is f*****g funny!

7/23/2009 10:57:35 AM
Flashpenny

"I laughed my ass off when the guy on the XREP said they can take a "bad guy" out without hurting innocents.
If you hit an innocent it WILL hurt them because its a f*****g taser and they f*****g hurt."

I think they meant not KILLING innocents... Pain goes away (eventually), and Taser-induced paralysis is only temporary (it just lasts long enough to let the police handcuff the miscreant,) but death is forever.

My only concern is what might happen if these things get into the hands of professional kidnappers or, worse, a totalitarian state that doesn't give a rat's @$$ about human rights (I'm looking at you, China and Iran!!!!)

7/10/2009 3:32:16 PM
Luigifan

The Laser Induced Plasma Channel seems a might too comlpicated for something that looks like a hammer taped to a fiberglass pole could totally decimate but I'm sure they thought of the hammer on a non conductive pole scenario.

6/30/2009 6:29:24 PM
baronskippy

I agree to all the dont do it posts I am a firm believer in lead bullets! what is all this nonlethal nonsense. heat wave ... no hand grenade plasma... no napalm problem solved!

6/6/2009 6:52:24 PM
Bankrupter

@TaylorG

Golden Rice is for fags...you fagot

6/3/2009 1:22:49 PM
Devilman

"Malodorants are actually pretty freaking awful. It isn't just a bad smell, it's a chemical weapon that induces nausea, gagging and vomiting"
You can die from this when you're on the ground from that weapon, you can choke on it. f*****g retards.

5/23/2009 6:06:14 PM
blacktigercat

"Getting knocked over isn't going to kill anybody, right?"
Yeah, has anyone ever heard of hitting your head on the f*****g ground and breaking it open? Huh? Wow, there are some idiots out there

5/23/2009 6:04:14 PM
blacktigercat

I laughed my ass off when the guy on the XREP said they can take a "bad guy" out without hurting innocents.
If you hit an innocent it WILL hurt them because its a f*****g taser and they f*****g hurt.

5/23/2009 5:59:03 PM
blacktigercat

I laughed my ass off when the guy on the XREP said they can take a "bad guy" out without hurting innocents.

5/23/2009 5:57:41 PM
blacktigercat

...well judge, pretty much i was at the shopping mall and i was spending quarters i fished out of the fountain at the arcade, and i was proud of myself for winning enough tickets for a gag retractable knife. you know, the one with the spring in it that you can use to trick people into thinking you're really stabbing someone? some chick screamed, and next thing i know something hits me, and i go flying into the concrete and bust my head open, i'm screamin', meanwhile, cops are running towards me and next thing i know i'm in handcuffs. they didn't even yank the electrodes out of my ass before tossing me in the cop car! that thing could have still been carrying a charge by the time i was supposed to show up and tell all of this to you, but i decided it would be more fun to get high than go to my court date, next thing you know, dog the m***********g bounty hunter shows up, i get f*****g blinded with this white foam and get hit by another one of those electric shotgun shells, at this point, i'm actually looking forward to jail because i learned my f****n' lesson about breaking the law!

5/21/2009 4:16:27 PM
mrbigstick

What then? Would it be better to shoot at destrutive riots with real firearm?

5/21/2009 10:32:51 AM
Ales

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5/19/2009 7:40:21 AM
sugarmommymatch

gayinayor
I hardly think those realms of existence are referred to as "highgrounds".
I can hardly even believe that those areas even have anything higher that "wish I wasn't here. Oh god, I wish I wasn't here"

TaylorG
"Cracked.com
America's only HUMOR and video site"
The subtle sarcasm seems to be lost on your kind. Please take your attempts at political commentary somewhere else; few people will take you serious on a comedy website.

2/12/2009 6:36:09 PM
specter

@TaylorG: Do you really think they're serious? It's a f*****g humor site, you unobservant douchebag! They've made numerous jokes about things like this without going into a serious analysis. It's not a science or news website, its a humor website. And sadly, while it seems you've attempted to gain the moral and intellectual highgrounds, what you've really gained is the "f*****g idiotic" and "lacks the power to understand comedy" highgrounds.

2/11/2009 9:34:46 PM
TheGayinator

Those things are beautiful... God bless the U.S. Military.

12/19/2008 9:00:53 PM
JoeCB1991

best boobies clip ever! who's nailin' paylin! russell brand's firing on the bbc! boobies!

http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=bfa4055a7d13cd430dde&page=1&viewtype=&category=mr

11/4/2008 6:45:47 PM
dalekiloveyou

PALIN gets PRANKED by Sarkozy impersonator!

http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=831ed34ea48cb6e843fd

11/2/2008 10:27:06 PM
dalekiloveyou

All these snide, weak attempts at humor seem to be making the subtle implication that it's preferable that we continue shredding each other's guts and caving each other's heads in using old fashioned bullets. Am I the only person who thinks it's not essentially humorous that they're trying to develop something better than guns? But hey yeah let's pretend every thing is the worst thing in the world and that it'll be used in the worst way possible so we can write the most retarded essays ever. You even decontextualized xreps to describe them as something only the police would use to ruin your day. Do you realize how many tragic home shootings could be reduced to annoying home tasings if pa mccoy kept some of those things in his shotguns? Here's what this article would have read like if it was about food - GOLDEN RICE*: IT'S RICE FOR FAGGOTS!

*geneticaly modified rice with extra nutrients added, created to combat world hunger

11/2/2008 8:36:15 PM
TaylorG

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