8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk

The prostate gland warmer was nothing more than a 9 foot length of wiring that held a blue light bulb on one end, and a dildo-y tube on the other. We were rather discouraged to find out that the light bulb was not activated solely by the mighty electrical currents generated by a human rectum like a potato in a 4th grade science fair project. Instead, the gland warmer was, like most great devices that you cram in to an orifice, a plug-in.

Photo courtesy of The Museum of Quackery.

When plugged, the light bulb would glow and transfer its heat to the dildo-y end which itself was deeply entrenched within your end. The dildo-y portion would then yield its invigorating warmth to your glacial prostate, melting away its erection hindering properties and leaving behind the feeling of a gentle, loving hug on your inner-cock regions. Or, as the gland warmer's advertizing put it, "stimulate the abdominal brain."

"Abdominal brain." Now there's a phrase that should never have gone out of style.

All right, we promise, no more terrifying ass-instruments on this list.

Wait, one more. And it's called the goddamned RECTO ROTOR. Yeah, a name like that deserves the all caps up there.

Standing at six inches tall, it was claimed that the RECTO ROTOR would "reach your vital spot to such good purpose," which kind of insinuates that there are some other products out there that reach the "vital spot" with nothing but malevolence in its heart and world domination plans tucked under its arm.

Now picture this having a seizure in your ass.

Once the vital spot was touched, a simple flip of a switch would send the infernal machine in to a hellish convulsive fit as it vibrated its way deeper in to your ass like an oil prospector drilling for crude. But here's the thing: the Recto Rotor knows there's no crude in your ass. It's smarter than that. So what does it do? It supplies its own crude. With the turn of a dial the vent holes atop the rotor ooze a white-ish lotion all over your prostate like... uh... well... sorry, we just can't come up with a visual comparison for that.

The ad boasts that it's, "Large enough to be efficient. Small enough for anyone over 15 years old." Please Lord tell us that's just an eyeball estimate, and not the result of extensive product testing.

"Okay, so today we learned that 14 is too young, that's good to know.

Honestly, we're beginning to think being a turn of the century inventor meant one had latent homosexual desires that manifested themselves in the form of utterly useless butt-related thingamajigs. We're picturing lots of repressed Doc Brown-looking guys standing over our exposed buttocks, wielding two phallus shaped electrodes bridged by a crackling blue current of electricity.

Photo courtesy of The Museum of Quackery.

Well, the good news is this one doesn't go up your ass. The bad news, well, guess what that little loop thing hooks to?

We've mentioned this dong-shocking belt before, but the subject deserves further study.

First, it was intended to cure the completely made-up disease of Neurasthenia (defined by Wikipedia as the "stresses of urbanization and the pressures placed on the intellectual class by the increasingly competitive business environment" with symptoms including headache and impotence--hey, that's us!).

To active the belts' wondrous healing powers one first had to submerge it within an activating solution of sulfuric acid, vinegar and water. Then -- depending on the manufacturer -- the internal batteries were to be sprinkled with a "special powder" to bring the charge to life. The "special powder" was really just baking powder. So the whole thing probably ended with your penis coated with a rabid white froth.

"But why the penis?" you ask. Because the electric belt came with a penile strap that would transfer its healing electrical pulses straight in to your wang in an attempt to shock it out of its perpetual sexual slumber. Oh! And don't feel left out, ladies! There's a genital accessory for you too! Sadly, we couldn't find a clear enough picture of the cooter-shocker, but we can venture to guess that it looks a lot like a maxi pad topped with an array of frayed and rusted copper wiring.

Or perhaps...

In the same vein, the competing product the Manhood belt operated in a different manner. When worn, your natural body sweat activated the healing solution.

And by "healing solution" they meant red pepper.

The red pepper would wrap the penis with a warm, tingly sensation that would make its way up the torso and in to the vocal chords, producing a scream of astonishing anguish. That scream meant it was working.

Photo courtesy of The Museum of Quackery.

Insecure about your lack of enormous boobs, ladies? Husbands, want to modify your wife to suit your needs without expensive surgery? Well back in the day you could always put down some hard-earned money for this set of rubber tubes topped with pink, boob-ish looking suction cups, aka the Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump.

All the ladies had to do was slap the cups to their milk silos and repeatedly pump a foot pedal like a person just about to wrap their car around a tree. The suction would elongate the breasts thereby giving the illusion of growth when, in reality, the only physiological response was horrifying bruising that made it look like they had been in a brutal tit fight.

Brutal Tit Fight is also a good band name.

Yeah, those turn of the century folk sure were idiots, thinking they could dupe people in to buying their grossly illogical machines that promised wonder cures for all the genitals they were applied to.

Oh, wait. These were sold in 1976. They sold more than four million of them.

And check out Dr. Swaim's intriguing essays on health issues facing the human race, in Brown Fat: How Evolution Is Saving Us From Our Own Fat Asses and The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks so DOB can keep up his OBGYN practice.