The 6 Most Retarded Police Standoffs of All Time
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Police standoffs in movies are always cool, with lots of tension, ticking clocks and often ending with Bruce Willis throwing a European through a window. Real life, as we so often see, is much, much stupider. #6.
Retarded Rambo Defused by the Power of Beer and Generosity
Thomas Clemens took his wife, her friend and their twin infant daughters hostage, thereby scoring a 4x "women and children" innocent victim combo bonus. The police found him with an AK-47 in one hand, a 12-gauge in the other, a Glock and a Magnum tucked into his waistband--and presumably the most terrified pair of testicles in the world just below the barrels.
This was a serious problem for the police, who know there are many ways a situation like this can go wrong, and not a lot where it can go right. Then sergeant Richard Horner asked "Wait a minute... what if he's retarded?" Horner, hereafter to be known as Saint Manly the King, approached Mr. Clemens, who was adding to his "Armed Asshole Of The Year" resume by swigging beer with one hand while waving automatic weapons around with the other (alas, he failed to mix the two up, thereby saving the world the hassle). Horner casually asked Thomas if he could have a swig of the beer.Thomas figured "Hey, this guy likes beer like I do--and he has a gun like I do! Maybe these police fellas aren't so bad!" When he leaned over to share the beer, the cops piled on and violent subduing ensued.
Nobody was hurt, and Thomas had to live with the fact that he probably could have held out if he had just been a little more of an alcoholic. #5.
Outnumbered 60 to Nothing
When a Michigan sheriff and two deputies went to serve a warrant on John Shulick, he didn't react well. He came down the stairs, smashed the sheriff in the face with the butt of a shotgun, then sprinted back inside. Police from all over the area sped to the scene, and the standoff was on. More than 60 cops showed up, guns trained on the building. All roads were closed. People huddled in their homes, anticipating the well-armed madman going out in a Scarface-style hail of bullets. Hours passed. The man wouldn't respond to pleas, orders or threats. He wouldn't say anything at all, in fact. The siege dragged on for 35 hours. It seemed as if nothing would break the will of this psychopath. The police fired tear gas canisters, presumably to relieve the monotony, but there was no response, mainly since Shulick's furniture is incapable of human speech.
That is to say, Shulick wasn't home. What the cops didn't know was after his confrontation with the sheriff, he bolted out of a back door to the building. The cops had been having a tense standoff with an empty apartment. A confused Shulick was apprehended shortly thereafter hiding on a neighbor's boat.
We guess it could have been worse. They could have found out they were having a standoff with a cardboard cutout, as cops in New Jersey did. #4.
Daycare Bomber Demands a Very Special Episode
John Knight did what many men dream of doing: he took a lawyer hostage. But to ruin whatever popular support that may have earned him, he also threatened to detonate a bomb he had with him, in downtown Jacksonville (an area including a daycare, if you're looking for pro-tips on making terrorism even worse). He didn't want a million dollars, or the release of his comrades, or for the FBI to cut the power so that he could break into a secret vault and steal millions of dollars. No, he wanted the judge who sentenced him to one day of jail, five years ago, to resign. And he wanted her to do it on live TV. And if you think the lawyer he was holding hostage had anything to do with her or that case, you vastly overestimate the intelligence of the armed assholes.
You may be surprised to learn that Judge Tanner did what the guy asked, issuing the resignation right into Channel 4 cameras. It ended the standoff and Mr. Knight was apprehended, presumably being pretty damned proud of himself. Unfortunately for him, the law allows for people to say things on TV that aren't actually true. The only person who thought the judge saying "I resign" into a camera made the resignation legally binding was the crazy man.
We'd better watch out for his release, though. If he threatened to blow up a building after one day in jail, he's going to need the country's entire nuclear arsenal when he gets out this time. |
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...Seriously, folks...
"Now, as a society we have very good reasons for not allowing officers to scream "FOR JUSTICE!" and jam their hands into any pelvis they want."
and
"But we're pretty sure they just looked at a woman whose panic response was "fix problem by grabbing it and shoving it into my vagina" and didn't want to get within 10 feet without a HAZMAT team."
NOW THATS DONGTACULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the whole world is retarded
http://theworldisretarded.wordpress.com/
this article was worth reading simply for the use of the word 'confederetards.' AWESOME.
Traverse City, MI only makes it into the public eye for one of three things: THE CHERRY FESTIVAL, That two-part episode of Home Improvement where they went to the Sand Dunes (which are not in Traverse City), and ridiculous gun-battle stand offs with non-existent people.
I remember when this happened. School closed early due to proximity to the stand-off. Seriously.
"We would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for your meddling labia!"
Oh dear sweet god cracked I laughed so hard at that I started to get light headed. This article was dongtacular.
No....
Their not racial stereotypes,because,last I heard,Texans werent a race of people.
If anything,the republic of texas were a bunch of ethnic stereotypes.
wtf is with the scientology advert?
for one im surprised about this more then your libertas ads(they are f*****g crazy)
but seriously
what cynical people that read cracked and write for cracked would consider joining those loonies who kill their children (or let them die)!!
You missed off the incident where the Irish Police vs the Army had a shoot-out in the middle of the city, each believing the other to be terrorists!
Or do shoot-outs not count?
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Anyone know who the sexy nurse is in #1 or what movie she's from?
Even though you are writing for humor and not for journalistic accuracy (yeah, right), at least you should take 30 seconds and bother to put someone's name into Google. Police Captain Christine Michalosky, the "Santa" in #3, is NOT MALE. She's decidedly female, and according to Boston Herald columnist Jessica Van Sack in the Dec. 8 column “The Beat”, "Michalosky was one of the first women to don a Boston police uniform back in the 1970s".
So, as cute as the pictures you posted of the Jolly Old Elf were, you should have gone for pictures of his wife instead. I think the "pansy" comment was a little off, too. If she likes men, I think that's probably appropriate.
I liked this article.
But I can't believe you would run an add for Scientology on this site.
Receiving revenue from a relig... i mean corporation that has actually f*****g KILLED people strikes me as unethical.
Didnt you even run an article one time about "__ Unlikely celebrity Scientologists" or something?
Anyone read about the standoff between the plainclothes police officers and the undercover military intelligence officers in ireland?
Darwin awards, Military intelligence:uninformed men
"That would, in fact, be an SKS and NOT an AK-47."
P.S. I masturbate to Kim du Toit columns and am currently not wearing any pants. BE WARNED.
Except they probably didn't think to misspell "precedent." Point: Dobolina!
I'm glad to see Boston had some precent for the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" fiasco.
Oh wait, I'm not. That's f*****g retarded.
Someone else has already made this exact comment, right?
Wow, lots of people sure know their guns! To be able to differentiate between two types of them is SO awesome. I'm jealous.
The phantom time traveler is a f****n nob-jockey
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That was really God damned funny! Well done Sir!