5 Terrifying Bastardizations of the Wikipedia Model

#2. Pagan Wiki

We managed to bring up Christianity in the first two entries, so to deflect the forthcoming accusations of anti-Christian bias from Conservapedia, let's target Paganism as that seems to be the faith that files the fewest lawsuits. I don't know much about Paganism, other than that Christianity "borrowed" from its holidays and remixed them P. Diddy-style, so I should learn something from the PaganWiki.

I'm finding "Hitler" seems to be a pretty good baseline for these, so let's try that. A search for Hitler leads you to an "On This Day..." feature:

July 31:

"1940 Date of fables meeting of British Witches to raise cone of power to stop Hitler's invasion of England."

Whoa, holy shit! They raised a magic shield that thwarted fucking Hitler! Is there a picture of that happening?


There is now

So Paganism is clearly the most awesome religion on the planet, and I converted in the course of typing that sentence. My first step was obviously to find some spells. I wasn't so naive as to think I could jump right in to cones of power, so remembering my D&D days, I went for what should be a beginner-level spell: "Magic Missile."

No results found? Hell, even Wikipedia has a page on Magic Missile, though I don't see the specific instructions for casting it I was hoping for. Probably only open to Premium users.

Fine, how about some plain old "Black Magic"?

Black Magic:

"A racist, sexist, creedist and classist term used to refer to magick being done for 'evil' purposes or by people of whom the user of the term disapproves. Magick is neither good nor evil, positive or negative. It is the use of the power that determines the path that it will take."

Alright, alright. I get it. Paganism is in fact simply another religious faith with dignified ceremonies and a rich history, and doesn't actually have a list of witch "spells" that you can cast like Harry Potter or...

Oh, wait. Here it is.

Spells:

Oh, hells yes. Take a look at the list and you'll know which one I went for:

War Water:

"War Water is essentially iron-infused water made by leaving iron nails in water to rust, then straining. ...Formulas for hexing War Water may also call for water collected from a thunderstorm and/or the inclusion of the spellcaster's urine (Illes 1048).

... A more pragmatic "foot track" hex suggests shaking up an unstrained bottle of War Water and 'hurl[ing] it at the doorstep of your enemy, where it should break, leaving a rusty, dangerously sharp mess for him or her to step in' (ibid.)"

So... the idea is to piss in a glass jar of filthy, rusty water, then throw it at your enemy's door in hopes he'll step in piss and broken glass the next day? Why is this not the dominant world religion again?

Where it Really Gets Weird...

Essence of Bend Over:

"Essence of Bend Over is an herbal formula used to command and dominate others, and is sometimes used in sex magick... Common uses of Bend Over include turning the tables on an employer, controlling a desired lover, breaking hexes, and turning back evil spirits."

Yes, we'll use it to "turn the tables" on our employer, all right. Nod nod, wink wink. We'll turn the tables on him good.

For further research, see...

The Wiki of Charmed fan fiction.

#1. Metapedia

Hmmm, what's this? Metapedia? "The Alternative Encyclopedia." Got to be some kind of new-age hippie bullshit. Metaphysical truth or whatever. Well, let's see what they have to say about the Fuhrer.

Adolf Hitler:

"For a brief period Europe was united under Hitler and the Soviet Union was held in check. However in the end, Hitler's Germany was defeated by forces outside of Europe: namely the military might of the United States and Asiatic nationalities within the Soviet Union. Adolf Hitler remains one of the preeminent individuals of the Twentieth Century.

Huh. That seems... oddly positive. But, neutrality is what online encyclopedias are supposed to be about right? And you know you're unbiased if you can be neutral about Hitler. Though I am disappointed they omitted the part where his invasion of England was thwarted by a cone of magic.

Wait, there seems to be another omission. Looks like the writer forgot to write about the Holocaust, and in fact the word doesn't appear in the Hitler entry at all. Let's do a search for it...

Holocaust:

"Over the years the Holocaust story has been challenged by brave individuals who have risked ridicule, loss of position, and imprisonment in their defense of the truth."

Huh. Well... they must have included a reference for that. Let's see... yeah, the source appears to be a website called Jew Watch.

Waaaaaaait a second. Guys, I think Metapedia might be Nazis.

Let's look around. "Sports" takes you to...

Afro-American Sports:

"The University will not release 'academic records' of black athletes - many allege a conspiracy of coaches, teachers, administrators, alumni and the media to recruit illiterate below-average intelligence blacks solely for the promotion of the 'Black Sports Cult' that has become a 'religion' in American with millions of majority Americans 'brainwashed' with their obsessed voyeuristic fixation on watching the scholastically retarded sports heroes jump up and down, bump into each other, perform ritualistic homosexual acts, do strange primitive 'victory dances' on the field and ritualistically follow the cabalistic magical numerics of the 'scores' of the games...

An odd theory on why people like watching sports. Maybe some context would help. I see at the bottom this falls under the category "Negroids," with a cluster of related links.

OK, I couldn't leave without clicking on "Wiggers."

Wiggers:

"Wiggers (Whiggers or Whiggas) are degenerate Europeans who dress, speak, act, and use the customs of Afro-american slum dwellers, especially in relation to Hip Hop culture."

They've even included a photo for illustration purposes...

Where it Really Gets Weird...

Like a lot of these Wiki clones, Metapedia fills out their archive by simply copying and pasting pages from Wikipedia (which Wikipedia allows). Hilariously, the Wikipedia-borrowed stubs are stamped with this huge warning:

So for instance, you need to filter the Wikipedia entries that still use the prejudicial term "homosexual" instead of the modern and accepted term "Sodomite."

But here's the best part. Let's say you are a 13-year-old middle school student trying to write a paper on, let's say, Armenia. So you Google and stumble across Metapedia, where you find a concise, straightforward little summary without even a hint of bigotry. Then you follow the link to Armenian Genocide, and skim right over the passing reference to "Negress Condaleeza Rice."

You paste that passage right into Microsoft Word and declare your homework finished. Meetings with school officials ensue. Social workers show up at your house. Dad is shouting, Mom is crying. Thanks, Internet Nazis!

For further research, see...

Christopedia, the Christian encyclopedia that "the saved can edit." They edit it to say that President Barack Obama is "...the first mulatto and first person having ties to a known terrorist ... to be elected President of the United States."

At the bottom of the entry, their "External Links" include The Assassination of Barack Obama, an art exhibit featuring walls painted with nooses and giant black dongs. I'm not kidding.

If you like having your mind blown by Mr. Wong, he has a horror novel coming in the fall that is currently outlawed in 74 countries. Also check out his look at 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't), or just browse through his entire article archive.

Or rest your mind by browsing our latest batch of Top Picks from around the web.

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