7 Badass Cartoon Villains Who Lost to Retarded Heroes
The hero's tale requires that he overcome long odds to defeat the bad guys. We understand that; nobody would have rooted for Luke Skywalker if Darth Vader had been a small, handicapped child.
But many of the cartoons of our childhood took this idea to absolutely retarded extremes, to the point that it strained even our childish suspension of disbelief. These are the badass villains who had no business coming out on the losing end:
#7.
Dr. Claw
Dr. George Claw is the head of M.A.D., a criminal organization whose main purpose is committing crime and wreaking pointless havoc. Take notice that they don't mention profit or power as a main goal; those are only unexpected bonuses.
M.A.D. 1: You know, we could have looted some stuff before burning down that warehouse.
M.A.D. 2: Why?
There was one time when Claw teamed up with his Japanese counterpart, Waruda, to steal all the jewelery in the world. Yeah, you read it right. All the jewelry. From the Queen of England's crown to the ring in your great grandma's icy death fingers. Why? Presumably, for the hell of it.
They also had their logo stamped on everything. You might think it's a weird move for a criminal syndicate, but, you know, you can't underestimate the value of brand management.
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
Inspector Gadget.
The whole "spawning any weapon from his hat" man machine thing sounds like he'd be a powerful hero, but then you realize he's less "combination of man and machine" and more "combination of machine and pure incompetent asshole."
Gadget is constantly being outwitted by his own dog and his 10 or 11-year-old niece. They were the ones who always ruined Dr. Claw's schemes, often by replacing the objects he tried to steal with worthless replicas. It's worth noting that Penny apparently had the same neurological condition as the guy in Memento as she needed to write down everything she was thinking in her 128kb laptop.
Really, Dr. Claw?
#6.
No Heart
Well first of all, he is an evil wizard, and we're assuming the name isn't referring to a medical condition. He lives in a dark castle surrounded with dark clouds, where we suppose he performs some dark rituals of dark wizardry.
Look at that bastard. Dark robes, a cloak that hides his face in shadows, it's deformed features a mystery other than a pair of glowing, evil red eyes. He also has shadow minions, who may be more fucked up than he is. Whenever children are having good feelings, they just literally suck the feeling out of the children, injecting a creepy pedo-vibe that you don't usually get in Saturday morning cartoons.
Also, he is a shapeshifter, so he could just go and shapeshift into some world's leader and start World War III. We tried to find out what power would be more convenient for world domination and we only came out with a gun that had infinite ammo and also great boobs. Then again, he could shapeshift into an even bigger gun with even bigger boobs. Damn you, No Heart!
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
The Care Bears.
Little fluffy bears who cared. And lived in clouds. Loving everything. Loving each other. Really, when these guys weren't throwing alcohol-free birthday parties they were baking cookies. They sprinkled some light out of their fluffy tummies. Tummies that No Heart should have been able to gut with a single swift move. Instead, they got him with the fluffy tummy light trick over and over again.
If the world's most ruthless shapeshifter doesn't stand a chance against fluffy bears, then imagine how screwed we are when the army of Teddy Ruxpin's finally become self aware and crawl up out of the land fills.
#5.
Gargamel
An evil wizard with a degree. He lives in a forest in the middle of nowhere in a run-down hovel, so we're not sure how much good it's doing him.
In his early appearances in the cartoons he wanted to capture Smurfs in order to make gold. Later, he decided he wanted to eat them instead. Finally, he got tired of making excuses and admitted he just wanted to slaughter Smurfs because murder is awesome. That's why he named his cat Azrael, which is a name for the angel of death.
In addition to being an alchemist, he has the godlike ability to create life, and once created Sassette, a female smurf. If he can make his own smurfs, why does he continue to hunt the free ones? Because he's fucking Gargamel, that's why!
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
Tiny (just "three apples tall") peace-loving communists that survive on Smurf berries and very limited skills.
Each smurf is named for their single, completely worthless "talent." You've got Hefty Smurf (remember, very small), Brainy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, Dreamy Smurf, etc. There is no Nucleary Smurf or Snipery Smurf or Impaley Smurf to be found.
A normal man of no supernatural powers shouldn't be losing to this group of penis-sized commies. Hell, the goddamned cat should have taken care of the whole village in an afternoon.
#4.
Duke Sigmund Igthorn
The Duke was once a fierce knight loyal to the crown of King Gregor, ruler of Dunwyn. If you know anything about the Middle Ages, you know what kind of shit this guy's got on his resume: Burning down enemy villages while little babies and peasant girls cried for mercy, collecting skulls for the castle's towers, going to war and coming back bathed in enemy's internal organs while bleeding horribly from his own gruesome wounds.
After forging his personality in the fires of cruel knighthood, Sir Igthorn became a duke and began a quest to take over the entire kingdom of Dunwyn. What he lacks in arcane knowledge or demonic blood paths, he compensates with badassery. Also, Igthorn commands a legion of bloodthirsty orcs. We don't know if you've watched enough Lord of the Rings to know this, but you don't win the loyalty of orcs with kind words. Igthorn, no doubt, killed half of them and tortured the rest until they swore loyalty with bitter orc tears in their eyes.
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
The Gummi Bears.
Okay, not the actual candies, but the ones in the candy-inspired Disney cartoon.
The story goes that not so long ago Gummi Glen (sigh) was a forest infested with hundreds of Gummi Bears until Duke Igthorn cleared it out, single-handedly. Now, there's only six left and they are somehow giving him a hell of a fight to keep him from taking over the kingdom.
And how do these stupid bears stand a chance against the bloodthirsty hellspawn known as Ightorn? Because of the Gummi Juice, a substance that gives the Gummi Bears the amazing power of BOUNCING.
Get those things bouncing and a bloodbath ensues
Wait a second. Were they really trying to sell us candy by portraying them as sentient, heroic and lovable? For a toddler, doesn't that take the fun out of biting their little heads off? Hell, maybe the whole thing was a roundabout pitch to get us to finish the job Igthorn started.
Gargamel is an awesome guy... he demonstrates how to destroy a manly society by including a female... TWICE (he created Smurfette and Sassette).. he also demonstrated how gay the Smurfs are and how incompetent in male-female relationships were...
ReplyI like to think of the old MLP as total bullshit because it's like saying a little girl can kill Osama. While I feel the new MLP makes a little more sense with their villians and defeating them. But you know, thats just my opinion.
ReplyLol. They forgot about the part where Scorpan randomly decides to help the ponies because he's some kind of prince under a spell or some other bullshit.
ReplyI love the Care Bears, Smurfs, the rescue rangers and my little ponies!!!! I used to watch them when I was a lot younger...those were the days! :o(
ReplyI don't consider Claw that intelligent. In fact, MAD is practically a fore-runner of Team Rocket, what with the idiot boss and bungling henchmen who display their logo everywhere.
ReplyI'd like to argue the "three apples high" statement.
ReplyI just smoked about an apple's worth of weed. Those Smurfs had to have been stoned 24 / 7.
Wait a minute, I thought the last one was Discord! Weird.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSomeone should talk to the Hub and make Tirek a thing again.
Betcha they partially based Discord of of it. Like a mix between Tirek and Q.
So discord is new?
You're a dumbass.
Gargamel is a bourgeois zionist terrorizing the peaceful proletarian
ReplyThe REASON "There is no Nucleary Smurf or Snipery Smurf or Impaley Smurf to be found." is right there...not to be found...you can't see them because if you SEE the sniper, he's not very good at it.
ReplyThe Smurf Tactical Arms and Recon (STAR) team is the elite, they're the reason only Gargamel (the incompetent bastard) is the only threat to the village.
and they just leave him around to guarantee that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash at the annual budget reviews.
When I was four, that Care Bears cartoon was the THING for me. They had, you know, fun characters and all the sunshiny crap, but hey, I was four. Then, last night, I discovered Nostalgia Critic.
ReplyTaste the rainbow, mother f****r ! God I love that line :P
Why do most of these villians seem to lose to animals that they can either squish or shoot with a AK47?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThat is the exact same thing I was thinking the entire time, but use a flamethrower on the gummy bears, I have experience in these matters...
Because the power of the cosmic stars/loving friendship/sheer will has been scientifically proven to be far more effective in combat than machine guns.
The exception is, of course, if you're Bruce Wayne. Then you just sort of win by default.
Hear that folks? Straight from the horse's mouth! Tell the crazy office shooter you that he/she is your friend and you love them, and the bullets will disappear and they will be knocked acroos the room like a Chuck Norris roundhouse.
Half these stories take place in a medieval fantasy world. Why do YOU think they didn't shoot them?
You know, after FiM came along, it always feels weird going back to this article (which has always been one of my favourite ones BTW) and seeing the older Ponies. I can't help but think "Ah, to think that's what Ponies USED to be like. Ho ho ho - not anymore though..."
ReplyAs for elsewhere, if my television or whatever so much as mentions anything about ponies/unicorns/etc, I pull a Count Orlok, rambling about how they're coming to get me.
Also, I always wondered if there was any link to No-Heart and DAAAARK HEAAAART. Perhaps No-Heart indulges in a bit of Christopher Walken in his spare time?
You watched that Nostalgia Critic episode, didn't you?
Indeed. I figured my ever so subtle use of one of his more famous memes would have clued fellow dwellers of this domain in on that.
Tirek only was in one episode; he was overconfident. :) It was really his own power that was his downfall; if he had not used the "power of darkness" it would never had been consumed by the rainbow of light... The dark-bow became the full rainbow that was the Rainbow of Light.
Reply...and his army consisted of butterflies, birds, and a prince that all had been transformed into evil-looking creatures, lol... not so awesome there. :P
HOLY s**t you know that.
Not quite. It was FIVE episodes. I only remember because I was in elementary school when I first saw it, and I was RUNNING to the TV after school to see what was next. All the creepy stuff!
And then they ruined it with all the syrupy stuff in the rest of that season's eps. :(
This was a great article! As an 80's child I thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks for the trip down memory lane!
ReplyI also have the Gummi Bears opening theme song stuck in my head, so thanks for that too.
None of these people are badass
ReplyThats Why My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Is Awesome
ReplyBronies are taking over the internet
I hope they rule with more virtue than the lolcats.
Sadly, after being turned into dragon slaves and freed again, the ponies were broken and had to be put down. Then everyone started singing again. The end.
ReplyTime for a game of disappearing bears...
ReplyDAAAAAAAAAARK HEEEEEEART!!!!!!
I haven't seen a single one of these shows, and I'm not sad about it.
ReplyThese shows are for children, who view themselves as powerless amongst all us adult villians. So if idiotic plushies can defeat Satan, then children might stand a chance in the real world. Makes sense.
ReplyExcept they don't.
That's a horrible thing to teach children.
You're giving kids WAY too much credit. When I was watching Pokemon, I wasn't thinking about how Ash was facing ALL of these challenges despite being 10 years old, ergo, life should be that bad. I'm fairly certain I was enjoying seeing Ash and Pikachu shoot lightning at misc. people/objects.