7 People Who Never Gave Up (But Absolutely Should Have)

Perseverance is what makes mankind great. Where would we be if George Washington stayed home smoking his weed and boning his slaves? How many of us would still be masturbating to our mom's old issues of Glamour if the guys who invented the Internet hadn't stuck with it?

But for some people, perseverance beats them up, slaps them around and makes them dance around in a pretty pink dress. These are the people who should have known when to quit... but didn't.

#7. Troy Hurtubise, Bear Fighter

His Dream:

Designing and constructing grizzly bear-proof armor.

His Quest:

The strange journey of Troy Hurtubise begins with two seemingly unrelated events. First, when Hurtubise was 20, he was attacked by a grizzly bear while hiking. Hurtubise escaped unharmed, but he became extremely interested in grizzlies and wanted to find a way to "study" bears safely, and by "study" he apparently meant "get his revenge by beating the shit out of."

Three years later, when he was in college, Hurtubise was struck with the inspiration to build a grizzly-proof suit of armor while watching Robocop. This is probably not the first epiphany ever achieved while watching a Paul Verhoeven movie, but probably the first one that did not lead to either criminal charges or new laws being written.


"Your move, Bear."

Hurtubis, apparently unaware that things you dream up when you're stoned out of your mind at three in the morning watching Robocop should be promptly forgotten about, decided to build the damn thing.

But Should Have Quit Before...

Hurtubise spent the next seven years and over $150,000 constructing this:

Keep in mind that this is the Mark VI. That means that he made five suits before coming up with this. Hurtubise spent all of his money, nearly lost his wife and son, and wasted countless hours of his life building a suit that looks like it was thrown together by a couple of cosplayers the week before Dragon*Con.

But don't let its incredibly shoddy appearance deceive you, the thing actually worked. Hurtubise didn't want to pussy around with a bunch of "science" tests in some "lab." If you're going to test bear-proof armor, you go to the closest thing thing to a grizzly bear you can pay with beer: bikers. Hurtubise hired a bunch of biker dudes to beat the crap out of him with baseball bats and two-by-fours.

He also had someone hit him with a car and throw him off a cliff to prove that not only was the suit effective, but that Hurtubise was clinically fucking insane. After several more tests, a Mark VII and a new suit of armor called "The Trojan," Troy Hurtubise has still yet to use any of the suits for their original purpose: studying bears. Unable to find investors rich and/or stupid enough to back him, his financial difficulties forced him to sell the Trojan on eBay.

Unfortunately nobody on eBay was rich enough (or wanted to fight bears bad enough) to meet his list price, so he just ended up raffling the thing off. Broke, unable to interest anyone in his designs and exhausted from years and years of failure, Troy Hurtubise took a long hard look at his life, reflected on the mistakes he'd made and built another goddamn set of armor.

#6. Darius McCollum, Train Thief

His Dream:

Working for the New York City Transit Authority.

His Quest:

Obsessions come in all shapes and sizes, but fewer are harder to understand than an obsession with trains. For most of us, trains are means to an end. They take us to work, they allow us to experience the sights and sounds of a place when we're traveling, and they're awesome for secretly feeling up strangers. For Darius McCollum, they're the equivalent of a cheeseburger that blows you while you eat it.


"Hey. Hey train. Whatcha doin' later? Carrying passengers? Hot."

McCollum grew up in New York and by the age of five, when most people are still not 100 percent sure where the bathroom is, he had memorized the entire subway system. Shocked at how little respect and admiration this earned him with other kids, McCollum's obsession grew until in 1981, at the age of 15, he stole the E-train.

You may be asking yourself, "how the fuck do you steal a train?" Well, he didn't exactly steal it, he more sort of borrowed it. McCollum hijacked the train and drove it along its regular route. He was so good, in fact, that the passengers had no idea anything was wrong. Passengers only became suspicious when they noticed that the driver was doing his job in a professional manner and wasn't muttering "fuck 'em all" under his breath over and over.

McCollum was eventually caught and charged.

But Should Have Quit Before...

Instead of enjoying his joyride and devoting his energies into a full time masturbation regimen like other, healthy 15 year olds, he kept on stealing trains. McCollum has been arrested 26 times and incarcerated for 19 of them. All this just to pretend to do a job that the people who actually do probably loathe.


In a rare moment of clarity, McCollum wonders how his life would have been different if had just decided to be really into Star Wars.

#5. Jocelyn Wildenstein, Aspiring Cat-Woman

His Dream:

Making herself look like some kind of cat-human hybrid.

Her Quest:

Back in 1990, Jocelyn Wildenstein had what a lot of people would call a "charmed life." First, she was stinking rich. We're not talking comfortable, second house on the lake rich. Wildenstein owned a private jet, houses all over the world, a priceless art collection and probably a suped-up Camaro. All this and she didn't even have a job. She was living the American Dream.

Then, something horrible happened. About the time she turned 50, Wildenstein found out her husband was cheating on her. Feeling depressed and unattractive, she did what people with money do: She got some plastic surgery. A little something to help her self-esteem in a trying time.

But Should Have Quit Before...

She decided she wouldn't be happy with just a nip or a tuck. No, Jocelyn Wildenstein wanted to look like a cat. Whether she just went insane or snapped after watching one too many episodes of Ron Pearlman's show Beauty and the Beast is unclear.


We can see wanting to have his hair--it's fucking awesome--but his face?

But most observers are able to agree that whatever the reason, she was out of her fucking mind and rich enough to make it a reality. Wildenstein has spent the last 29 years and over $4 million transforming herself into Catwoman.

She has had numerous silicone injections into her cheeks, chin, forehead and lips, as well as facelifts and surgery to make her eyes look more "feline." But what's $4 million when you're loaded, right? Well, when her husband, Mr. Wildenstein, saw what she was turning into, he decided to divorce her before she had the tail and claws installed.

After a judge granted Mr. Wildenstein a divorce on the rare-used grounds of My-Wife-Is-Turning-Into-A-Catmonster, Jocelyn lost a huge chunk of her fortune. If that wasn't enough to create the "What the fuck was I thinking?" epiphany, it's probably not coming ... until she's got that first live mouse in her jaws.

#4. Glynn "Scotty" Wolfe, Wife Collector

His Dream:

Being married, at all times, at any cost.

His Quest:

Had his first wife not died after only a year of marriage, Glynn Wolfe might have led a very different life. The details of his first marriage are few, but he must have liked it because after his first wife died he got remarried ... 26 more times.

To be fair, Wolfe was a Baptist minister whose strong religious beliefs prevented him from living in sin. But he was also apparently a horn dog because he couldn't stay single. In order, Glynn Wolfe married:

Marcie McDonald, Stephanie Delaney, Victoria Ernest, Katherine Johnson, Rachel Jennings-Prescott, Charlotte Devane, Valerie Harborn, Charlotte Devane again, Frances Hunter, Carol Demmings, Priscilla Ralph, Katherine Archer, Lisa Walters, Katherine Archer again, Nina Morgan-Stuart, Chase Jones, Kathleen Briggs, Sharon Goodwin, Sharon Goodwin again, Demerle Goin-Rankin, Julia Santiago, Gloria Mascari, Vivian Alvers, Maria Velez, Eileen Shelton, Guadalupe Chavez, Maria Chavez (no relation), Christine Camancho and Linda Essex.

Wolfe's longest marriage lasted seven years and his shortest only 19 days. 19 days! What the hell can go wrong with a marriage in 19 freaking days? It turned out it was a dude, right?

But Should Have Quit Before...

Actually, we're thinking it's not marriage he was addicted to, but divorce. According to his son, Wolfe divorced one of his wives because she ate sunflower seeds in bed.


BITCH.

That may be irritating, but most of us wouldn't get divorced over it. But what did Wolfe care, it wasn't like he couldn't just find someone else. He knew how to play the game.


Hmmm... Maybe he was onto something.

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