Why I Won't Be Watching The Super Bowl
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Every Saturday we ask some of our favorite writers to fill in for us. Today, a man by the name of John Devore gives you a brief history of the sport that will be dominating your weekend. Mr. Devore has been an editor at Maxim and has written for other magazines (which are like the internet, but on paper and with skinnier pornography). You can find him online at Chickenhead.com. Tomorrow is our nation's high holiday: The World Series of Football. The armchair atheists have it all wrong. America is not a theocracy full of McJesus zombies praying for LOTTO windfalls. We're a secular nation, Mammon-damnit. Greed is a delicious, evil root that tastes great with butter and sour cream, and tomorrow our land will explode with nacho cheese, body paint and testosterone-jacked Orcs racing to make as much money as they can before their bodies fall apart. The contest is between the attitudinal woodpeckers and the industrial revolutionaries, and I predict that I don't care who wins.
"Isn't it anti-American to not watch the Super Bowl?" you might ask. Buster, I crap fleets of thimble-sized bald eagles, each screaming "U-S-A!" I snuck into the tribal areas of Pakistan inside a living camel and beat Osama Bin Laden to death with a waffle iron, and I kept it a secret because I want the terrorists to feel safe. I just called you "buster." That's how I am with America. But I hate football because, as a nation, we can do better. There are so many sports superior to football, and yet we embrace a game that's only enduring value is that its ebb and flow allows television networks to spackle every inch, crevice and animated infographic with commercials. I love commercials as much as anyone. Advertising is the only mass art form that conveys our collective fears and hopes, and it will adorn the hologram walls of space museums hundreds of years from now.
But football gets in the way of commercials. You know why soccer isn't more popular in America (besides the socks, lack of scoring and the fact that Europeans look like elves)? It's because it is nearly impossible to wrap commercials around that game. You can go 10 whole minutes during a soccer match without finding out how to get "cash 4 gold." Advertisers hate that, and so they make sure you hate it too. Did I just claim that football sucks worse than soccer? I'll do you one better: Football sucks worse than golf, and golf is a just a happy walk through a pretty park with a club of men who are directly responsible for drunk joy-riding our economy off a cliff. Do you know any regular dudes who love to golf? You do? I'm sorry, then, you're a dick purse.
But football is worse than golf. Football ruins the half-time show, which is the totally amazing love child of two subtle American art forms, Monster Truck Rallies and Broadway. Speaking of, the sport itself is in denial. I like my mass homoerotica to be out, loud, and proud. Plus, why settle for a gigantic metaphor for war when we've got two raging, and another couple warming up on the sidelines. See I know football. I grew up a Texan, and we Texans are the closest this country will ever get to Vikings. Growing up, my father worshipped three people: Jesus, Patsy Cline and Tom Landry. I worship Zeus, Dark Phoenix and the main Keebler Elf (the Warlord Elf Pimp who's in charge of getting those cookies from the tree, to the box, to my shouthole) but I don't blame Texas loving football. It's a religion there, and even the poorest, bleakest West Texas town has a sparkling ziggurat upon which local high school pigskin warriors are celebrated and sniffed at by scouts, before their future use to society is sacrificed to appease the gods of sporting combat.
But you can't blame Texans. They spent the better part of the nineteenth century hanging Comanches, Mexican bandits and horse thieves. Old habits die hard. There's a lot of residual bloodlust to work out there. But come on, we can do better. Why isn't bull-riding (Beef NASCAR as I call it) the American sport to end all sports? It's an epic battle of the wills between a man and an angry cheeseburger; and if that doesn't typify our awesome civilization, I don't know what does. How about UFC? It's like boxing, except there's more blood, missionary position and brain damage. If they renamed it "Knuckle Rape Thunderdome," it might bring about the end of all other sports. Hell, I'll take Badminton over football. They play with something called a "shuttlecock," and that's pretty funny, especially if you're a 34-year-old hack comedy writer. Shuttlecock. The jokes just write themselves. You might be asking where baseball, America's alleged pastime (emphasis on "past"), fits into all of this. Baseball is radio, and radio is a lot of words, and words suck. Let the batter keep his bat and supply the basemen with barb-wire wrapped hubcap shields and then we can talk.
Go ahead and watch the football show. Pump your fist and celebrate pointless berserker rage, grotesque consumerism and spandex sodden with man juices. Just don't invite me to your parties. I'll be rolling with my bitches, those football widows who will spend tomorrow taking in a matinee of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button before indulging at the Cold Stone Creamery and talking about Gossip Girl. Enjoy the game. Just know that the whole time, I will be eyeball-molesting your girlfriends and wives. I also hate football because when I was a teenager, I was a fat asthmatic who couldn't make the team. Don't miss today's update of Daisy Owl, in which we learn Why It's A Good Idea to Mute The TV Before Answering the Phone. And check out John's first guest column, in which he explained Why America Is Still Awesome. |
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lol Beef NASCAR. Rubgy is pretty cool, I think its a cumulative thing, a lot of hits add up and all of a sudden guys are like having spleen operations in the off season and possibly the odd amputation. However the NFL's best collisions, without pads would result in sudden death for both parties. Plus Flozell Adams could arm wrestle 5 rugby players at one time.
skkflip...what part of "hot girls love football" do you not understand? It's going to be hard for you to prove your guarantee about my barbecue by posting on someone's blog...idiot.
Devore, one more thing...you can be a fat asthmatic and still enjoy golf (ref. John Daly, only by asthmatic I mean chain smoker). Maybe you should check it out. Or maybe you're on some sort of internal environmental crusade against it.
Im an American football fan myself, but I always kinda laugh at how heated this stupid debate gets every time. People on all sides and those who just hate sports in general, get their panties in a bunch over the superior sport argument, and it's worth a chuckle. I like hockey and rugby plenty but cant stand to watch soccer. It seems dull. That said, Ill never hold it against a soccer fan for loving their sport. Football is an extremely technical sport. It's not one you can easily just pick up and play for the first time like soccer is. It's also an expensive sport to play, with a large field, goal posts, and extensive pad system. I can definately understand why alot of the world doesnt like it. Figure people should just get less worked up over something meaningless in the end (entertainment) and enjoy their respective sports or lack thereof without getting all elitist on everyone. Then again, Id miss reading some of the comments.
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whatever AvidReader, I guarantee that your barbecue is a regular Cockfest.
Well this article and in particular the comments compelled me to do a little research on youtube about the football (American) vs rugby debate. Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7tGY-VDx3o pretty interesting, basically it says that while Rugby players hit more, because they are unpadded they don't go hurtling their bodies quite like football players can so the hits are not quite as powerful as football hits. Essentially, making them equal if you ask me.
WOW!
You guys need to calm down! Football fans: I'm one of you (Go Steelers!) its just one dude's opinion, not a fact, settle down. Non-sport fans: give me a break, its just a little competition, so you aren't athletically gifted, neither am I, I suck at every sport, have fun watch ANY sport. Soccer fans: two totally different games, and just so you know, to us, all soccer is is kicking a round ball back and forth across a huge f*****g field, I understand the strategy and like to play but to us its just not exciting, even though it is continuous. Rugby fans: I really don't know much about rugby, but from what i have seen it seems pretty cool, a combo of football and soccer. As for the pads issue, look up on you tube some "big hit" compilations, thats why there are pads, people would die. Period.
Earth to Devore: Chicks, especially hot ones, love football...and even the ones who don't watch weekly still can only be found at Super Bowl parties. So good luck with all the ugly, hippie, hemp-wearing smoker chicks at the Cold Stone Creamery. The rest of us will be too busy getting hot girls drunk at our Super Bowl barbecues.
"It's an epic battle of the wills between a man and an angry cheeseburger"
Best. Line. Ever.
I totally agree. I can't watch the damn sport because of all the ads. Who ever heard of watching one play and then having another block of commercials. &*^$*#! Football
I actually tend to respect the strategy of football. It's the only sport where the coaches really do matter as much as or more than the players. Outside of that, however, it's a terrible sport; it's slow, it's interrupted, it's more concerned with the technicalities than the actual playing of the game, and the superbowl frankly sucks because it's worshipped. Even the prissy girls I work with dragged a TV out of the breakroom to watch it and b***h that customers were still coming in.
Dear Mr. Devore,
Thank you for the line,"It's an epic battle of the wills between a man and an angry cheeseburger..."
Sincerely
At least when non football fans cry its because of something cool like their mom died or something similar. Not because a group of men don't get fancy rings to wear. *sniff sniff* can you smell the h**o-eroticism on the field?
Wow there was even gay bashing towards the author! Really, I seen the term "faggoty" in there several times. The reality is that you jackasses sound like you would suck [insert quarterback's name] if you seen him in real life. and you want to see something "faggoty" go to youtube and find the videos of the super fans crying because their team lost the playoffs.
And UdoShan, get over yourself. Seriously...
Haha! Good article. As a non-American I don't really see the point of football myself. Rugby's the way to go!
This article isn't Anti-Super Bowl, it's Anti-Football, period. He could've written this drivel in the pre-season, instead of giving us his "I'm-too-cool-for-football" rant. I mean if he hates Football so much, that's fine, but don't write some crap-tacular article about it! Personally, he lost me once he declared Bull Riding, Golf and ('gasp') BADMINTON to be superior over Football! It's brainiacs like this that got Poker force-fed to us on ESPN! (Nothing against Texas Hold-'Em, it's just NOT a sport!)
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hold on now... dont bash the game, bash the way its played. if it wasnt so flashy and commercial now itd be ten times better. i do like soccer, i wish more americans got into that... basketball is cool. but rugby? really? its the same thing as football just less organized.
nascar is not a sport. i drive every day and some might say i race when i do that. f**k nascar. ill watch GT races, with like porsche, bmx, mercedes, mazda,... u know, real cars. and they drive real tracks, not straight up circles.