Why I Won't Be Watching The Super Bowl
Every Saturday we ask some of our favorite writers to fill in for us. Today, a man by the name of John Devore gives you a brief history of the sport that will be dominating your weekend. Mr. Devore has been an editor at Maxim and has written for other magazines (which are like the internet, but on paper and with skinnier pornography). You can find him online at Chickenhead.com.
Tomorrow is our nation's high holiday: The World Series of Football. The armchair atheists have it all wrong. America is not a theocracy full of McJesus zombies praying for LOTTO windfalls. We're a secular nation, Mammon-damnit. Greed is a delicious, evil root that tastes great with butter and sour cream, and tomorrow our land will explode with nacho cheese, body paint and testosterone-jacked Orcs racing to make as much money as they can before their bodies fall apart. The contest is between the attitudinal woodpeckers and the industrial revolutionaries, and I predict that I don't care who wins.
The skinny guy in the back's the punter.
"Isn't it anti-American to not watch the Super Bowl?" you might ask. Buster, I crap fleets of thimble-sized bald eagles, each screaming "U-S-A!" I snuck into the tribal areas of Pakistan inside a living camel and beat Osama Bin Laden to death with a waffle iron, and I kept it a secret because I want the terrorists to feel safe. I just called you "buster." That's how I am with America.
But I hate football because, as a nation, we can do better. There are so many sports superior to football, and yet we embrace a game that's only enduring value is that its ebb and flow allows television networks to spackle every inch, crevice and animated infographic with commercials. I love commercials as much as anyone. Advertising is the only mass art form that conveys our collective fears and hopes, and it will adorn the hologram walls of space museums hundreds of years from now.
"My God, they really were retarded."
But football gets in the way of commercials. You know why soccer isn't more popular in America (besides the socks, lack of scoring and the fact that Europeans look like elves)? It's because it is nearly impossible to wrap commercials around that game. You can go 10 whole minutes during a soccer match without finding out how to get "cash 4 gold." Advertisers hate that, and so they make sure you hate it too.
Did I just claim that football sucks worse than soccer? I'll do you one better: Football sucks worse than golf, and golf is a just a happy walk through a pretty park with a club of men who are directly responsible for drunk joy-riding our economy off a cliff. Do you know any regular dudes who love to golf? You do? I'm sorry, then, you're a dick purse.
Just some regular dudes.
But football is worse than golf. Football ruins the half-time show, which is the totally amazing love child of two subtle American art forms, Monster Truck Rallies and Broadway. Speaking of, the sport itself is in denial. I like my mass homoerotica to be out, loud, and proud. Plus, why settle for a gigantic metaphor for war when we've got two raging, and another couple warming up on the sidelines.
See I know football. I grew up a Texan, and we Texans are the closest this country will ever get to Vikings. Growing up, my father worshipped three people: Jesus, Patsy Cline and Tom Landry. I worship Zeus, Dark Phoenix and the main Keebler Elf (the Warlord Elf Pimp who's in charge of getting those cookies from the tree, to the box, to my shouthole) but I don't blame Texas loving football. It's a religion there, and even the poorest, bleakest West Texas town has a sparkling ziggurat upon which local high school pigskin warriors are celebrated and sniffed at by scouts, before their future use to society is sacrificed to appease the gods of sporting combat.
A pep-rally at a small West Texas high school.
But you can't blame Texans. They spent the better part of the nineteenth century hanging Comanches, Mexican bandits and horse thieves. Old habits die hard. There's a lot of residual bloodlust to work out there.
But come on, we can do better. Why isn't bull-riding (Beef NASCAR as I call it) the American sport to end all sports? It's an epic battle of the wills between a man and an angry cheeseburger; and if that doesn't typify our awesome civilization, I don't know what does.
How about UFC? It's like boxing, except there's more blood, missionary position and brain damage. If they renamed it "Knuckle Rape Thunderdome," it might bring about the end of all other sports. Hell, I'll take Badminton over football. They play with something called a "shuttlecock," and that's pretty funny, especially if you're a 34-year-old hack comedy writer. Shuttlecock. The jokes just write themselves.
You might be asking where baseball, America's alleged pastime (emphasis on "past"), fits into all of this. Baseball is radio, and radio is a lot of words, and words suck. Let the batter keep his bat and supply the basemen with barb-wire wrapped hubcap shields and then we can talk.
You don't have to say yes. Just say you'll think about it.
Go ahead and watch the football show. Pump your fist and celebrate pointless berserker rage, grotesque consumerism and spandex sodden with man juices. Just don't invite me to your parties. I'll be rolling with my bitches, those football widows who will spend tomorrow taking in a matinee of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button before indulging at the Cold Stone Creamery and talking about Gossip Girl. Enjoy the game. Just know that the whole time, I will be eyeball-molesting your girlfriends and wives.
I also hate football because when I was a teenager, I was a fat asthmatic who couldn't make the team.
Don't miss today's update of Daisy Owl, in which we learn Why It's A Good Idea to Mute The TV Before Answering the Phone. And check out John's first guest column, in which he explained Why America Is Still Awesome.
This article was well-written, I'd like to see more of this author.
Replyand GD it i cant seem to edit either
ReplyAnd sorry for the triple post, my reply button isnt working, but i did have spaces in that, it bacame a wall of text when i submitted it. I do apologize.
ReplyWow i didnt expect it to be that long lol
ReplyI know I shouldnt get sucked into this football vs x sport debate, but alas a cant resist. Actually it compelled me to register just for this...
ReplyFirst of all, I have played both rugby and (Canadian, still gridiron) football. Both were fun to play, one more so than the other. So I'm not super prejudiced, I have some perspective anyway.
I prefer rugby. As a player, its has far more variety. I get to do everything, defense offense, the parts where noone is sure what it is. i get to play fo a full 80 minutes, and I love it. Where as football, I did the same thing over and over, stopping that guy from hitting this guy. It was fun to do, but anything fun gets old after so many times. I also couldnt stand the helmet. No peripheral vision, and it just got in the way. Just like the pads...Oh, the pads..
Look, no one will deny that greater force is applied in a football hit. BUT the guy hitting has pads, and the guy getting tackled has pads. Therefore its fine to fling your entire body at someone, delived a devasting hit, and both get up and do it again. In rugby, there are no pads for anyone.. (well, there are these thin little foam things if you want, but those are for p***y backs.. noone wears them). So you are putting your body against another, man vs man. you can't dangerously fling yourself, because you will hurt yourself. So the hits you with more caution and controll than would be necarry in football. BUT, while a smaller force, is applied directly to your body.
What I'm saying is that I think the hits are about the same. AS A PLAYER. Of course massive flying football tackles are impressive to watch. But once you play rugby, you realize what those hitc can feel like.
Now, heres a quote from klayb: "the way i see it, america called the rest of the world a bunch of pussies for not having a contact sport, rest of the world got angry like the nerd that often kills the bully, except this time it got really stupid and the lack of money just made it worst since theres no protective gear, and clearly theres no reason to protect there genitals."
FIRST of all, rugby far, FAR predates football. Football is DERIVED from rugby, and was created by North Americans slowly changing the rules of rugby. The CFL was the Canadian Rugby Football League until the sixties I believe.
And the point about no protective gear? I dare you to try playing rugby with a cup. I DARE YOU. It would be on no help whatsoever, and you probably lose a testicle. And requiring no equipment other than a ball means its is far more accessible to poorer areas in the world... same reason as soccer. take thirty street kids and one ball, and youve got a game. Theres a reason that the rugby world cup is the third largest sporting event in the world, after FIFA and the olympics.
And when its man vs man, I fail to see how needing padding makes it manlier. Flesh vs. flesh. Thats tough.
And there was a comment about rugby players not being able to keep up with the speed of football. Well, my answer is that its easy to run a few sprints with a minute break in between each. The majorty of the players never leave the vicinity of the line of scrimmage. And, maybe there were bigger, slower rugby players in the past, but the modern game requires speed as much as anything else, as well as endurance. 80 minutes of constant play is incredibly exhausting. I know, because I just started playing club this summer, after playing high school which is 50 minute games. Modern rugby requires speed, endurance, strenth, and skill from all of the players, for the entire game. I doubt you'll see the paunch present on many American football players on as many rugby players.
End of rant. I cant tell how long this is right now due to the little comment box, but I'll see in a second...
I'll never understand why the debate about american football vs rugby is always about the protective gear. Since when is a sport measured by size or absence of the gear!? I prefer american football because, once you understood the rules, it's a very strategic game. Between downs I can second-guess the next moves. During breaks I can watch replays. The only downside is that watching a live game you'll never know if you need 2, 3 or 4+ hours. But protective gear?
I agree with Puchkin, I like football better because its the most tactic and strategic game there is, players have to learn huge playbooks, study film, remember asignments.
While I dont think Rugby are just a bunch of guy hittin each other I doubt they have the same level of strategy as football.
hello from midland. i also don't understand what the big deal is.
ReplySoccer kicks your "football" in the nuts any day of the week
ReplyGig'em Aggies.
ReplyAmerican safety rugby has no build up. Before you can say "what happened" one of the orgies has already started and finished. In soccer 90 minutes build up with a massive eruption of cheers leading to a f**king happy riot! People are so f**king psyched they run around hugging creepy strangers, haul their drunken ass outside and proclaim their love for anything loudly to the entire world, mock a fan of the opposing team. The opposing fan gets so mad with passion for his team that he starts kicking the s**t out of the previous dude who kicks the f**k back because the other f**ked made his shirt dirty.
ReplyAnd I don't even like sports!
So nothing happens for 90 minutes and then you hug a creep.
"when I was a teenager"
ReplyAre you sure you ever stopped being a teenager? Sure, you got older, but everything about this article screams teenage angst combined with a snotty, limited, understanding of just about everything.
Lol is that comment for real?
Rugby union (what here is being called rugby) and rugby league are much better sports than gridiron. They aren't such pussies that they need to wear more armour and padding than a Roman centurion. They also have to play both sides of the game so they are therefore smarter because try know both how to run he ball and tackle.
Replydifferent game is different. rugby players would get schooled in american style football while football players would get rocked in rugby.
Dude, if rugby players got hit nearly as hard as football players do they would almost certainly die. The padding is there for a reason, and people still come out of the games sometimes with life altering injuries. The two sports are different. You can't compare them like that.
Also, GO STEELERS
ReplyAnybody who is anti-football can go suck a dick. I don't see anything wrong with the sport, because there aren't that many commercials, along with things expressed later here. On average, there are 8 minutes of commercials for every 22 minutes of the show, usually with 4-5 commercial breaks every 30 minutes. So, with a 2 and a half hour football game being aired, there are 40 minutes of commercials and 110 minutes of football, with only 15 commercial breaks. That's not a lot when they're aired over such a long time period. Other sports are inferior to football due to the facts i will now list. Also, before you read the following rant, keep in mind that I am fat, lazy, and will probably never get above middle class with my fast food chain job.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesGolf: You have to have the fewest points in order to win.
Hockey: This is not a sport, it is (generally) a large, mostly Canadian, brawl, with large sticks, and the side option of hitting a puck with the sticks.
NASCAR: Not a sport, you have to wear a diaper.
Basketball: I play occasionally, and started to get pretty good, but is still inferior to football, because you can barely have physical contact with another player without getting fouled.
Bull riding: A bunch of wannabe cowboys who just sit on a 1000+ pound, horned cheeseburger that has the intention of throwing the "cowboy" high into the air, then gutting him with its massive horns.
Baseball: I never really got into this, but I got very good at it on the console, specifically The Bigs 2. Another sport in which you hit a ball with a stick, but now, if, and this is a big "if", IF you manage to hit the ball, you have to run in a circle and hope they don't catch the ball you hit.
Rugby: This takes a while to explain, but rugby is a complicated sport, easily defined by that the fact it is soccer, but you can pick up the ball. And also, it's hockey without sticks and Europeans (again, mostly Europeans, not all) instead of Canadians, as in, people beat the s**t out of each other with the option of scoring after you kick the goalie in thwe shins.
That last one reminded me of my least (maybe) favorite sport. Cage fighting: There's not much to say here. I have thought and thought, but there's just nothing about it except for the massive h**oerotic feeling brought about by the fact that two guys (one gay and one straight) are laying on top of each other, the gay one with the goal(?) of making the other one gay as well or tap out before that happens. They punch each other a little too.
That's all for now. I will now list the pros of football.
Football: Where can I start? First of all, the Super Bowl commercials are just plain EPIC. Doritos, Gatorade, and Dr. Pepper all endorse the Super Bowl. Who endorses the MLB? Frito Lay sunflower seeds. The game of football itself is well thought out. You haave protective gear to reduce risk of injury (from 90% to 50%, albeit), but there's still that little taste of danger, the feeling of living on the edge. I do sometimes dislike the commercials, and the manipulability(this might be the only word i misspelled) of the officials anger me, especially when they make it obvious.
You have just enough players for the coaches (the brain of the team) to create elaborate plays and pull off tricks that would be imposible with any fewer players. The massive variety of options are stunning at first, and are difficult to grasp. Star players make the game, but don't steal the spotlight, unlike basketball, where Kobe Bryant scores 80 points and the closest player to that is Pau Gasol with only 1/2 a point.(he assisted Kobe). And if a player becomes a douchebag, he usually does something shortly after that that gets him suspended or taken down a notch. The time system is well thought out, with 4 15-minute quarters. Anybody who argues with me may make me so angry that i write another one of these. That's how this one started, by me reading the comments and getting angry at the irrational football haters. Which made me make an account. Which allowed me to type this. Which gave me time to cool down at the football haters. Which means more comments will invoke another rant. Which means you have to read this much text again. Goodbye.
What if I just don't like any sports a*****e?
I can do it too!
American Football: You couldn't even give it an original name for christs sake. You have to wear outfits which are quite frankly, gay. It's basically rugby but for pussies because of the protective clothing. Nobody except America really cares about it, yet soccer has a massive following. You will basically never find a European school that would even consider starting up an american football team, yet Americans can find a soccer team in their school alright.
Football: Big, muscular, sweaty men who tackle each other over a little ball.
Sports: Getting a ball from point A to point B.
Dodgeball is indisputably the best sport ever. In no other sport is point B someone's nutsack.
TL;DR
So it took you all those words to say you are a gay man living in the closet (you want physical contact but with padding or else it is gay) and Super Bowl commercials are epic. Ok then. Oh sorry just noticed you are e1337, which I think means I must be wrong, forget everything I wrote.
so what universe do you live in that a football game is 110 minutes?
Love your description of rugby. and hockey. I lol'ed
the way i see it, america called the rest of the world a bunch of pussies for not having a contact sport, rest of the world got angry like the nerd that often kills the bully, except this time it got really stupid and the lack of money just made it worst since theres no protective gear, and clearly theres no reason to protect there genitals.
ReplyRugby isn't a contact sport now?
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hold on now... dont bash the game, bash the way its played. if it wasnt so flashy and commercial now itd be ten times better. i do like soccer, i wish more americans got into that... basketball is cool. but rugby? really? its the same thing as football just less organized.
Replynascar is not a sport. i drive every day and some might say i race when i do that. fuck nascar. ill watch GT races, with like porsche, bmx, mercedes, mazda,... u know, real cars. and they drive real tracks, not straight up circles.
lol Beef NASCAR. Rubgy is pretty cool, I think its a cumulative thing, a lot of hits add up and all of a sudden guys are like having spleen operations in the off season and possibly the odd amputation. However the NFL's best collisions, without pads would result in sudden death for both parties. Plus Flozell Adams could arm wrestle 5 rugby players at one time.
Replyskkflip...what part of "hot girls love football" do you not understand? It's going to be hard for you to prove your guarantee about my barbecue by posting on someone's blog...idiot.
ReplyDevore, one more thing...you can be a fat asthmatic and still enjoy golf (ref. John Daly, only by asthmatic I mean chain smoker). Maybe you should check it out. Or maybe you're on some sort of internal environmental crusade against it.
Im an American football fan myself, but I always kinda laugh at how heated this stupid debate gets every time. People on all sides and those who just hate sports in general, get their panties in a bunch over the superior sport argument, and it's worth a chuckle. I like hockey and rugby plenty but cant stand to watch soccer. It seems dull. That said, Ill never hold it against a soccer fan for loving their sport. Football is an extremely technical sport. It's not one you can easily just pick up and play for the first time like soccer is. It's also an expensive sport to play, with a large field, goal posts, and extensive pad system. I can definately understand why alot of the world doesnt like it. Figure people should just get less worked up over something meaningless in the end (entertainment) and enjoy their respective sports or lack thereof without getting all elitist on everyone. Then again, Id miss reading some of the comments.
Replywhatever AvidReader, I guarantee that your barbecue is a regular Cockfest.
Reply