The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps

One awesome thing about the iPhone is the vast ocean of low-cost software applications you can download to do just about any damned thing.

With so many choices it's hard to know just which ones to buy, and we're sorry to say we can't help you there. But if you were looking for a list of the most retarded ones, you're in luck.

Music synthesizers aren't anything new, but this one has the dual enhancements of portability and instantly sapping you of all dignity. You can "play" this application by running your finger along the edge, but since shame is no longer a factor we imagine its users slap that touchscreen right into their piehole.

Per their description, Harmonica is "indispensable" to "annoy your co-workers" or even "impress that pretty girl". If you believe that slobbering on your iPhone is going to be the best mack maneuver in your arsenal, you should buy it. You're probably correct.

Tickle Me! makes your iPhone touchscreen respond to your playful tickles with the uproarious laughter of a child. Disturbing? Yes. But if this functions as a release valve for pedophiles, it could be a godsend.

This incredible technology produces colored flashing lights from your iPhone screen, which by the way is already illuminated. Per their description, "Rock concerts will never be the same with the myLite Color Flashlight by DoApp. Going clubbing and wanna be hip? Whip out the myLite -- the chicks dig it and the guys will scream out 'whoa, dude!'"

We're sure they will. Also, The app allows you to select the color of the light emitted, so it's only a matter of time before this becomes the CSI tool of choice when sweeping for semen.

God, clocks are so sickeningly predictable. Always incrementing time by standardized units and presenting them clearly. Boooooring. What modern, dynamic people need is a clock that does none of the above, often times obscuring night and day altogether.

The EnigmaClock uses a unique algorithm to present time as an elaborate mathematical riddle, so once per hour you can shove your iPhone into your friends' faces and scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? NO? THEN FUCK YOU!"

The object of this application is to track how long you can keep a finger on a static position on the touchscreen. You can later use this data point to plug into a spreadsheet and chart precisely how much of your life is being wasted.

Imagine you're walking down a dark alley, when you are approached by a hulking mass of criminality. You only have your iPhone to defend you. Fortunately, all you have to do is unlock the screen, launch this app and a faint beeping sound will usher forth to notify all SWAT teams in earshot to swoop down to your rescue.

Or, more likely, the guy who was just going to steal your watch and jewelry is probably going to opt for your iPhone as well.

If you relish smuggling "outside beverages" into stadiums or movies, but shun actual refreshment, this product is for you. The iBeer application animates the draining of a hopped beverage, but without all of the pesky flavor, inebriation, and casual sex that comes along for the ride.

The iMilk application is likewise available for the underaged. They'll think it's hilarious, right up until their lack of actual milk intake causes early onset osteoporosis.

Expanding on the above in an even more retarded way, this application allows you to simulate dumping the contents of a digital 40 ounce in memory of a dead homie. Or more likely, a fallen Elven Sorcerer that met their end in an Azeroth drive-by.

The application was sponsored by 40cozy.com, a company that literally manufactures insulating covers for 40 ouncers. They're great for birthdays and weddings!