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The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps

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One awesome thing about the iPhone is the vast ocean of low-cost software applications you can download to do just about any damned thing.

With so many choices it's hard to know just which ones to buy, and we're sorry to say we can't help you there. But if you were looking for a list of the most retarded ones, you're in luck.

#15.
Harmonica

Music synthesizers aren't anything new, but this one has the dual enhancements of portability and instantly sapping you of all dignity. You can "play" this application by running your finger along the edge, but since shame is no longer a factor we imagine its users slap that touchscreen right into their piehole.

Per their description, Harmonica is "indispensable" to "annoy your co-workers" or even "impress that pretty girl". If you believe that slobbering on your iPhone is going to be the best mack maneuver in your arsenal, you should buy it. You're probably correct.

#14.
Tickle Me!

Tickle Me! makes your iPhone touchscreen respond to your playful tickles with the uproarious laughter of a child. Disturbing? Yes. But if this functions as a release valve for pedophiles, it could be a godsend.

#13.
myLite Colored Strobe and Flashlight

This incredible technology produces colored flashing lights from your iPhone screen, which by the way is already illuminated. Per their description, "Rock concerts will never be the same with the myLite Color Flashlight by DoApp. Going clubbing and wanna be hip? Whip out the myLite -- the chicks dig it and the guys will scream out 'whoa, dude!'"

We're sure they will. Also, The app allows you to select the color of the light emitted, so it's only a matter of time before this becomes the CSI tool of choice when sweeping for semen.

#12.
EnigmaClock

God, clocks are so sickeningly predictable. Always incrementing time by standardized units and presenting them clearly. Boooooring. What modern, dynamic people need is a clock that does none of the above, often times obscuring night and day altogether.

The EnigmaClock uses a unique algorithm to present time as an elaborate mathematical riddle, so once per hour you can shove your iPhone into your friends' faces and scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? NO? THEN FUCK YOU!"

#11.
Hold On

The object of this application is to track how long you can keep a finger on a static position on the touchscreen. You can later use this data point to plug into a spreadsheet and chart precisely how much of your life is being wasted.

#10.
Alarm Free

Imagine you're walking down a dark alley, when you are approached by a hulking mass of criminality. You only have your iPhone to defend you. Fortunately, all you have to do is unlock the screen, launch this app and a faint beeping sound will usher forth to notify all SWAT teams in earshot to swoop down to your rescue.

Or, more likely, the guy who was just going to steal your watch and jewelry is probably going to opt for your iPhone as well.

#9.
iBeer

If you relish smuggling "outside beverages" into stadiums or movies, but shun actual refreshment, this product is for you. The iBeer application animates the draining of a hopped beverage, but without all of the pesky flavor, inebriation, and casual sex that comes along for the ride.

The iMilk application is likewise available for the underaged. They'll think it's hilarious, right up until their lack of actual milk intake causes early onset osteoporosis.

#8.
Pour1Out

Expanding on the above in an even more retarded way, this application allows you to simulate dumping the contents of a digital 40 ounce in memory of a dead homie. Or more likely, a fallen Elven Sorcerer that met their end in an Azeroth drive-by.

The application was sponsored by 40cozy.com, a company that literally manufactures insulating covers for 40 ouncers. They're great for birthdays and weddings!


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I hope to hell that you got your iPhones free, because otherwise, you just wasted a lot of your own money.

The iPhone is distinctly unimpressive when placed up against the other smartphones on the market. Anyone who's bought one, have fun with your unremovable battery and your complete lack of expandable memory.

Posted on 1/1/2009 4:32:23 AM

ever notice how the last items in a cracked "worst" list are usually actually pretty f*****g sweet?

Posted on 12/24/2008 10:45:59 AM

My mom still prefers to use an abacus instead of a calculator.

Posted on 12/11/2008 4:22:36 AM

Hey yankeemango, you know what I have? a flashlight.

Posted on 12/7/2008 6:26:00 PM

alicehuang002

Who cares? There're way too many rumors coming out each day. And most of them turn out to be untrue. I even start thinking if it is true that Charlie Sheen once found his love
on the celeb and millionaire daitng site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** Whatever.

Posted on 12/3/2008 5:19:40 AM

I like ibeer and the lightsaber! But i got them free, anyone that pays (like my causin) is stupid.

Posted on 12/2/2008 5:28:38 PM

alicehuang

Who cares? There're way too many rumors coming out each day. And most of them turn out to be untrue. I even start thinking if it is true that Charlie Sheen once found his love
on the celeb and millionaire daitng site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** Whatever. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Posted on 12/1/2008 4:39:06 AM

My Blackjack II can beat up your iPhone.

Posted on 11/30/2008 6:28:19 PM

Actually, myLite came in very handy after Hurricane Ike in Houston. I didn't have power for two weeks and I used myLite at night to navigate around my pitch black apartment. Hold On app is pretty ridiculous though.

Posted on 11/30/2008 4:45:19 PM

@RedCricket:
Should read: "Night Elf Mage who met their end in Horde gank ride-by."

-A. Speakman

Posted on 11/29/2008 2:14:51 PM

Phone Saber?

Friggan awesome...

Posted on 11/29/2008 11:20:11 AM

My buddy has at least 3 of these apps. Yes if you're wondering he is single

Posted on 11/29/2008 8:00:21 AM

Seems like everyone who has an iPhone,had that beer simulator.i can't even count how many I've seen without it.

Posted on 11/28/2008 12:30:32 AM

We shall not forget the new
#1. Scratch and Sniff Caller ID.

Posted on 11/27/2008 7:26:45 PM

"Going clubbing and wanna be hip? Whip out the myLite -- the chicks dig it and the guys will scream out 'whoa, dude!"
It is very likely that this is the lamest thing i've ever read. I feel uncomfortable reading it.

But I definitely want #1 and#2.

As for the time, it's 3:28, right? Right?

Posted on 11/27/2008 6:40:57 PM

WoW is garbage, and so is the iPhone.

That is all.

Posted on 11/27/2008 3:07:46 PM

Warcraft existed before WoW

http://www.battle.net/war3/human/units/sorceress.shtml

noobs

Posted on 11/27/2008 2:50:46 PM

Hey RedCricket.

I so love when nerds get riled up over WoW jokes that are actually funny, more so because they're not actually saying what WoW is really about. Because that would make them nerd jokes, and no one likes those.

Posted on 11/27/2008 1:48:22 PM

you forgot to add music. playing music on a phone is completely pointless.

Posted on 11/27/2008 1:24:21 PM

I love I Can Haz Cheezburger! I'm totally getting that one!

Posted on 11/27/2008 10:18:14 AM

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